Daddy Long Stroke

by Cairo

  “Nigga, I fuckin’ told you I didn’t want this motherfucking shit up in my house. I warned your black ass some bullshit like this was gonna happen. But you wanted to keep bringing these unstable broads up in here, disrespecting my goddamn house. But I tell you what. You done fucked ya last piece of ass up in here!”

  “My bad,” I said, pickin’ pillow cushions from off the floor and puttin’ them back on the sofa. Yeah, I know it was some weak shit. But what else could I say? He was right. I fucked up. I swear, I never seen dude go off the way he did walkin’ up in that piece seein’ his coffee table knocked over, the sofa cushions all over, pictures on the wall crooked. E’erything was outta place.

  “My bad? Nigga, are you fucking crazy? My bad? That’s all you gotta…” He stopped in midsentence, opened and closed his right fist. On some real shit, I know he wanted to swing off, but he didn’t. And he woulda had a right to. But on some real shit, I don’t know if I coulda stood there and let him straight duke me wit’out goin’ in on ’im, Pops or not. He bit his bottom lip, shook his head. “Leave e’eryting where it is. Get your shit…and get the fuck out before I forget you’re my son, and fuck you the hell up.”

  “It’s nuthin’,” I tell her, kissin’ her on the check. “I got into a lil’ scuffle wit’ a disgruntled customer.”

  She smirks. “Uh-huh, ‘disgruntled customer,’ my ass.” She shakes her head. “You don’t have to lie to me. You know I already know.”

  “I know, so why’d you ask?”

  “Just to see what you were gonna say. And I heard ya father finally put your ass out, too.”

  And leave ya fucking key on the table when you leave ’cause you are no longer welcomed to come in and outta here. I couldn’t be mad at ’im, though. Bottom line, it’s his crib. And I disrespected his space.

  She shakes her head. “I told him it was only a matter of time before you brought that mess up in there, but he didn’t wanna listen to me. The best thing he coulda did was take his house keys from you. He shoulda did it a long time ago. Instead of complaining to me about all that fucking you had going on up in there, he shoulda been talking to you about it. I told him ya ass was too damn old to be still laying up over there, and not paying bills. Mmmph. I love you dearly, but ya ass is a magnet for drama. And this is only the beginning. I’ve tried to warn you to stop fucking over all those women. But ya ass is hard-headed. Lord only knows what else is about to go down. But whatever it is, I know it ain’t gonna be pretty ’cause you done fucked over too many women. I hate to say it, but you are worse than your father ever was.”

  The center of my head starts poundin’. And hearin’ her tryna compare me to Pops and ramblin’ on and on is only makin’ it worse. “Ma, I’m a grown-ass man. I didn’t come here to be lectured, aiight? Damn. I don’t need this shit right now.”

  She slams her hand on her hip, stares me down. “’Scuse me? What did you just say?”

  Not thinkin’, I repeat myself.

  “Oh really? Well, I tell you what. You can take ya black ass on up outta here. I don’t know who the fuck you think you talking to, but I am still your goddamn mother!”

  Fuck! She’s the last person I need to be beefin’ wit’, for real. “You right, Ma, my bad. I apologize.”

  She clucks her tongue. “Mmmph. You just oughta be. ’Cause I’m not the one. I will smack your damn face up.”

  “I was outta pocket, Ma,” I say, walkin’ up on her and givin’ her a hug. “You know I’d never disrespect you.” I try to kiss her on the cheek.

  “Hmmph,” she grunts, sidesteppin’ me. “Try it and get fucked up, okay? Now, are you hungry? I made some smothered chicken and brown rice.”

  I smile. “You already know.”

  “Hmmph, I shouldn’t give your black ass nothing,” she says, switchin’ off toward the kitchen. I follow behind, apologizin’ again. I pull a chair out and sit at the table. She brings me an empty plate, then tosses it down in front of me.

  “I don’t know why the hell you sittin’ there like I’m about to serve you. Get your spoiled ass on over there”—she points toward the stove—“and fix your own damn plate. Hazel the Maid is done servin’ your fresh ass, Mister Grown-Ass Man.” I get up, shakin’ my head. “And when you’re done, wash your motherfucking dishes. You done lost what’s left of your goddamn mind talking shit to me.”

  I’m not sure what’s set her off, but whatever it is, I’m convinced it has nuthin’ to do wit’ me. I keep my mouth shut, though. Let her rant ’n rave as I scoop out a big spoon of rice, cover it wit’ three pieces of chicken and a buncha gravy, then stick my plate in the microwave.

  Fuck!

  While I’m standin’ there waitin’ for my food to heat up, when I sit down to eat, up until the time I finally finish my food, the only thing she does is stare at me. Lips twisted, eyes squinted, starin’ through me—in disgust. Yeah, I’m kinda pissed that she’s actin’ all funny-style ’n shit. But I ain’t gonna sweat it. I get up from the table, wash my dishes, take out the trash, then walk over to her and kiss her on the cheek, then dip. I get into my car, spark the rest of my blunt and head the fuck back to my crib down at the shore. I glance at my watch: 8:15 P.M. I feel like gettin’ this dick sucked tonight. Maybe I’ll hit up Crystal’s fat ass and see if she feels like wettin’ it. “She just needs to keep her muthafuckin’ socks on,” I say aloud.

  I dial her number. “Hey, baby,” she says, “I was thinking about calling you.”

  “Oh, word? Wassup?”

  “You left your boxer briefs here.”

  I frown, shakin’ my head. What the fuck?! I rocked her box three weeks ago and she’s tellin’ me this dumb shit, now. Why didn’t this bitch hit me up before? I knew I left ’em there, but I wasn’t pressed. “Yo, you can toss them shits,” I tell her, takin’ another pull off my blunt.

  “Oh, no, I’ma hold onto ’em.”

  Why the fuck you wanna hold onto a muhfucka’s worn drawers? I think. Whatever! I let it go. “Did you wash ’em?”

  “No,” she says.

  I frown. “Why?”

  “Because I love to sniff ’em,” she whispers, “while I’m playing in my pussy. I can still smell you in ’em.” What a nasty bitch, I think, shakin’ my head. Sniffin’ a nigga’s crotch like a dog in heat. When you got a bitch sniffin’ yo’ dirty drawers, beatin’ her pussy, you already know you gotta nut on ya hands. But, I knew why she kept her nose pressed up in ’em. Sometimes, when I know I’m ’bout to lay this pipe, I mix a little Egyptian Musk with some baby oil, then rub it into my pubic hairs, underneath my balls, and the crack of my ass. Other times, I just dab coconut oil on. The way I like to fuck and get sucked, a nigga gots to keep his dick ’n balls fresh at all times. Well, that is, unless I’m leavin’ a ho’s cum juice dried up ’round my balls for someone else to clean off, feel me? Then it’s straight musk and pussy funk.

  “Listen, baby, you feel like suckin’ on this dick tonight?”

  “I feel like doing a whole lot more than just sucking. I wanna fuck, too.”

  Damn, why the fuck can’t I just get a fuckin’ dick suck wit’out the extras? I sigh. Decide to go the fuck home. “You know what, forget I called.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m not checkin’ for pussy tonight.”

  “Well, damn. Can you at least finger-pop me?”

  You suck.

  You swallow.

  You please me ’til I’m satisfied.

  You ask no questions, ’cept, “May I suck you, again?”

  That’s the kinda mood I’m in. “Nah, I want my dick wet, that’s it. So don’t sweat it. I’ma head home and watch True Blood instead.”

  “Are you fuckin’ serious?”

  “I sure am.”

  She sucks her teeth, then the phone goes dead. Bitch musta hung up, I think, slowin’ down at the toll booth, then tossin’ four quarters into the bin. I take the last pull off my blunt, then toss it outta the window.

  As soon as I get in the hous
e, I take off my clothes, then hop in the shower. I lather up my body, soap up my dick, then start strokin’ it, cuppin’ and yankin’ my balls and dippin’ at the knees. I work my nut up to the tip of my dick, then abruptly stop. I let it roll back down into my balls, then work it back up again. I repeat it three more times ’til my balls start to swell and ache, then let it blast out all over the shower walls. “Gotdamn, that shit was good,” I say, steppin’ outta the shower and wrappin’ a towel ’round my waist, lettin’ water drip all over the floor as I go into the bedroom. I oil my body, slip on a pair of boxer briefs and a wife beater, then head downstairs.

  After I hit up Papa John’s and order a veggie pizza, I flip on the flat-screen, spark another blunt, then wait for True Blood to come on. My cell rings. “Hello?”

  “We need to talk.”

  Fuck! “Yo, I ain’t fuckin’ wit’ you,” I tell her. Akina’s been hittin’ me up for the last two days and I’ve been iggin’ her. But today she got on some slick shit and called me from another number. “There’s nuthin’ else we need to say. You said what you had to say, then you fucked up and put ya hands on me, so it’s a wrap, boo.”

  “Nigga, you put ya hands on me, too.”

  “Bitch, are you on crack or some shit? I was fuckin’ tryna get you off of me. I wouldna punched the shit outta you, if you weren’t tryna bite my damn arm off.”

  “And you grabbed me by the throat.”

  “Yeah, and?”

  “And? Nigga, you coulda killed me.”

  Yeah, I tried to snap her muthafuckin’ windpipe. Once she bit my arm up and I saw blood, it was a wrap. I’ve never put my hands on a chick, and I have never allowed one to put their hands on me. So why this bitch thought she was gonna be an exception is beyond me. I shake my head. These hoes kill me. They jump up in a nigga’s face, hookin’ off on a muhfucka, then don’ think they should get the shit beat outta them. Fuck what ya heard. Don’t put ya muthafuckin’ hands on me, and I won’t put mine on you. I’m not down wit’ that shit. But, be clear. If you bring it, then all bets are off. You gonna get lumped the fuck up. And that’s what it is.

  “Then I guess you woulda got what ya ass deserved.”

  “Are you fucking serious? You think I deserved having my neck snapped?”

  “You put ya muthafuckin’ hands on me, hell, yeah. You lucky I didn’t break ya damn face.”

  “Well, you shoulda never lied to me.”

  I shake my head. “So I lied. And?”

  “And you should feel fucked up about it. I thought we were better than that. You know I woulda done anything for you. All you had to do was kept shit real. But, noooo, nigga. You had to be on some extra shit.”

  I sigh, rubbin’ my chin. “Yo, listen. You right. I shoulda kept it real wit’ you. But I didn’t.” She wants to know why. And on some real shit, I don’t know. “Because I felt like it,” I tell her. She sucks her teeth. Asks if I’m gonna at least apologize. “Listen, what I did to you mighta been fucked up, but I’m not gonna apologize for it. I did what I did ’cause I wanted to. Just like you put ya hands on me ’cause you wanted to. And that’s what it is.”

  “So basically fuck me, right?”

  “Your words, not mine,” I say, endin’ the call.

  32

  Six A.M., I wake up. My dick hard, heavy, and achin’ wants release. A muhfucka’s mad horny. And straight jackin’ my shit ain’t gonna cut it. Not at this moment. I need to stick it in sumthin’. But I ain’t beat for a buncha noise. I get outta bed, go into my walk-in closet and come back out wit’ my “Baby Got Back Sex Doll” wit’ the wireless vibratin’ pussy and ass. I lube it up, then fuck it doggie-style grabbin’ its perky titties and thrustin’ this naked cock up in it. This is the only time I get to fuck raw. I close my eyes and imagine I’m gettin’ it in wit’ Halle Berry. I’m tearin’ that ass up a mile a minute, givin’ her all of me. Its pussy walls vibrate along the sides of my dick. I pull out, pour more lube up in it, then slide my dick back in, pumpin’ ’n gruntin’. “Aaah, shit.”

  Yo, hol’ up, I know there’s no substitute for some real, live, pussy. But e’ery now and then, a muhfucka ain’t beat for all the extras. I don’t use this thing often, but when I do…man, listen, I get my two-hundred-and-sixty dollars outta it. And the good thing is, I ain’t gotta worry ’bout it stressin’ me the hell out. I can bust all up in it, clean it up, then lock it away ’til the next time. And that’s exactly what I do.

  ’Bout eight-thirty I head over to the gym, get in a two-hour workout, then come back home to shower. As I’m steppin’ into my boxers, my cell rings. The special ring tone alerts me that it’s Moms.

  “So you gonna let days go by without calling?” she asks as soon as I answer.

  “Nah, I been busy,” I lie.

  “Mmmph,” she grunts. “Too busy to pick up a phone, I see.”

  “Sumthin’ like that. But if you really want the truth, I figured I give you some space since you were spazzin’ out the last time I saw you.”

  “Well, if you wanna live in your feelings, then you go right ahead. When you’re ready to get over yourself, you know I’ma still love you. And I’ma still curse you the hell out when need be.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Well, I’m calling you for two reasons. One, to let you know your father was admitted into the hospital last night.”

  I flop down on my bed, shocked. “Hospital? What happened to him?” She tells me that he was havin’ chest pains. That his blood pressure is sky-high and they’re keeping him under observation for another night. That he’s at UMDNJ University Hospital in Newark. She gives me the visitin’ times. And for some strange reason, I’m feelin’ responsible for what happened to ’im. “Damn,” I say, rubbin’ my forehead, “was he havin’ a heart attack or sumthin’?”

  “They’re not sure. Hopefully, they’ll know more once all the tests are in. In the meantime, that’s where he’s gonna be.”

  “Cool. I’ll be up there later on tonight. Now, what was ya other reason for callin’?”

  “I met Ramona.”

  “Who?” I ask, frownin’. She repeats herself. “I heard you. But I’m surprised. Where’d you meet that broad at?”

  “Over at your father’s. She showed up there looking for you, but when your father told her you weren’t there, she asked to come in to speak with him. He thought I might wanna have a chat with her as well.”

  “About what?” I ask, feelin’ myself gettin’ agitated.

  “She told us she’s carryin’ your baby.”

  “Yeah, and? She’s the chick I was tellin’ you about.”

  “I figured that. Well, she says she’s keeping it. She also said you told her you wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.”

  This fuckin’ bitch! I clench my teeth. Feel the muscles in my jaw tighten. “She’s right. I don’t want shit to do wit’ her. ’Cause that’s. Not. My. Baby.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I suck my teeth, sighin’. “Ma, of course, I’m sure. That broad’s not pregnant by me. She’s delusional.”

  “She also said you’ve put your hands on her, too. Is that true?”

  “Say, what?!? What the fuck! I’ve never touched that fuckin’ lyin’-ass nut.”

  “I hope not. But after your incident at your father’s, I’m not so sure.”

  A muhfucka’s ’bout to black. “Ma, I gotta go. I’m not gettin’ into this wit’ you. I’ll talk to you later, aiight.”

  “I’m not done talking.”

  “Well, I am. I’ll see you at the hospital.” I disconnect the call before she can say sumthin’ else, then immediately hit Ramona’s ass up. She answers on the fifth ring. “Aye, yo, what the fuck are you doin’?”

  “Ummm, whadaya mean?”

  “Yo, what the fuck you mean, ‘whadaya mean’? Don’t fuckin’ play games wit’ me. You know what the fuck I’m talkin’ ’bout.”

  “I knew I’d hear from you,” she states calmly. “How you been, baby?”<
br />
  “What the fuck you doin’ goin’ over to my Pops’ spot?”

  “Well I needed to get your attention some kind of way. And obviously, I have.”

  “Yo, you fuckin’ crazy, for real, yo.”

  She laughs. “Nigga, you can call me crazy all you want. The fact still remains that I’m pregnant. And it’s yours.”

  “No, the fact is you’re a lyin’ nut-ass.”

  “And I’m still pregnant.”

  I can tell this ho is gonna be a muthafuckin’ thorn in my side. It’s moments like this I wish I had a buncha sisters I could call on when I needed them to rock a ho’s snotbox. “Okay, maybe you are, but for the hundredth time…It’s. NOT. Mine!

  “It is yours.”

  “Whatever, yo. Anytime we fucked I wrapped up.”

  “Well, a few times I poked holes in the condoms.”

  “Say what?”

  “You heard me.”

  I blow out a buncha aggravated air. “And how the fuck you do that?”

  “Easy. I’d wait until you went into the bathroom, then I’d reach over and take the condoms you’d leave on the dresser, or I’d sneak and get the ones you had in your pants pocket and poke ’em up. Of course, I didn’t do it right away. I waited for the right time. Watched your moves every time you were with me before doin’ anything. And voilá! I’m with child. Your child. Now what would you like to name him or her?”

  On some real shit, a muhfucka can’t believe what the fuck I’m hearin’. But, then again I can. This goes to show how muthafuckin’ desperate this bottom-of-the-barrel bitch really is. Yeah, she mighta poked holes in the condoms, but a muhfucka never nutted in her. I’d always pull out and bust down in her throat, or all over her face and titties. So unless she scooped the shit up offa her nipples and lips, then planted it up in her, she’s a muthafuckin’ lie. So the joke’s on her retarded ass. “I’m not namin’ it shit, ’cause it ain’t mine. You know it, and I know it. Now stop callin’ me. And stay the fuck away from my family.”

  She laughs. “Or what, my baby daddy?”