by T. K. Chapin
“I needed you, and you left.”
She nodded. “I know, Clay. And I’m so, so sorry.” She sniffed and rubbed her nose. “You know I love you. You know Cindy loves you too. We can all be together again.”
The back door opened, interrupting our conversation. We both looked over to see Janice walk in with dirt-covered overalls and a pair of gardening gloves. Wiping the sweat from her forehead, she took one look at Gail and shook her head. Leaving the room, she headed down the hallway.
“Isn’t gardening season over?” Gail asked.
As I looked at the hallway Janice left through, I replied, “It’s winding down. But there’s cleanup to do before it comes to a close.” I turned back to Gail. “Why now? Why come declare your love for me today?”
“All the stuff you’ve been doing to improve yourself is so touching. I feel like we can make it now.”
I stood up and went over to the window of the living room. Looking out at Cindy, my heart longed to hold her. “I love Cindy so much, Gail. You took her away from me. Not just when you left me in the hospital, but over the summer. You never came back in August like you were supposed to.” Turning around, I looked at her.
“Clay . . .” Her voice was entangled with a hesitant laugh. “My life was crazy in August. You know I picked up that wedding coordinator job part-time until I could get back to teaching. Not only a wedding coordinator, but in Ocean Shores. You understand how many weddings go on in August?” She shook her head and smiled. “I couldn’t get away.”
“You had a lot of time to plan that. Plus, you took off in June, and I’m pretty sure that’s a busier time.”
“I didn’t have that job in June . . .”
Seeing the clock on the wall strike four, I knew I needed to leave to make the art showing on time. “How long are you going to be in town?”
“You’re rejecting me?” she asked, rising to her feet.
“I don’t know. I need time.”
“Well, I’ll wait for you. I’ll be at the Four Seasons off Monroe.”
Nodding, I said, “I want to take Cindy with me to an art showing.”
“Is that why you’re all dressed up?” Gail asked. “Wait. Are you meeting a woman there?”
“It’s not your business.”
“It sure is my business if you’re taking our daughter around another woman!” Gail shook her head. Her face went beet red. She almost said something, but she retracted whatever it was. “You know what? I’m mature. I’m not going to freak out. Yes. Take Cindy. Have a great time. I’ll be at the Four Seasons.”
“Thank you.”
When I left Janice’s house, Cindy got out of the car and ran up to me, jumping into my arms. I pulled her in and smoothed her hair with my hands. My little girl was back where she belonged.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
Setting her back down, I bent down and looked at her. “For what?”
“What I said to you about wanting to be with Mom. It’s not true. I want to be with both of you. Mommy said you guys are getting back together so we can be a family again. I’d like that.”
Turning to Gail, my anger waxed hot. How could she pull Cindy into this? There was no way I was going to make a scene right now, though. I had to leave. “Want to go look at some art?”
“Like the Indian art we saw?”
“Little different.”
“Yeah. I want to go wherever you go, Daddy.” She put her hand in mine, and I walked with her over to my truck. My heart stirred with love. I wanted Cindy in my life, but not Gail. She was her mother, though, and that had a pull on me that I couldn’t just shake.
Arriving at the community college that evening, my heart raced in anticipation of seeing Katie again. My heart loved her, but did she reciprocate those feelings? If the lack of returned phone calls meant anything, it was evident she did not feel the same.
Walking through the dimly lit college, Cindy and I followed the arrows and signs in the hallways that led down to a double set of closed white metal doors. I took hold of the handles and opened them. A brightly lit room was on the other side, and it was bursting at the seams with people, art and glasses of champagne.
“Wow . . . Daddy.” Cindy tightened her grip in my hand and pressed herself closer to my side. “There are a lot of people here.”
“Keep close to me.” Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I led her through the door and began scanning the crowds for Katie. An array of people filled the room. Some were dressed fancy, while others were underdressed. One man, in particular, looked like he had just gotten off a plane from Hawaii. He had on a pair of swim trunks that had palm trees on them and a pair of flip flops. Another gentleman looked like he just got married, wearing a tuxedo and a bowtie. I continued to scan face after face.
“Champagne?” a man asked, presenting a silver tray in front of my eyes. A twinge of temptation came through me, but I shoved it out as quickly as it came.
“No, thanks. Do you know the artist, Katie Williams?”
The man turned and looked down the left side of the room. “Her piece is in the back left corner.”
“Thanks.” He walked away from me and I leaned down to Cindy’s ear. “Come on.” Grabbing her hand we weaved through the crowd.
“Daddy!” Cindy tugged on my hand to stop me. Turning, I looked over to see a Native American painting of a wolf. “It’s the man!” Looking at the people, I spotted the guy from the boardwalk and farmer’s market. “Can we go talk to him? Please?”
Glancing toward the corner where Katie’s art was, I longed to go see her.
Cindy tugged again on my hand. “Please, Daddy?”
“Okay.”
We went over to the Indian guy we knew and waited behind a few people to talk to him.
“You know I have a dream catcher over my bed?” Cindy asked, looking up at me.
“Really? Does it help your dreams?”
She shrugged. “It works okay. I just love how they look. So naturey.”
“They’re pretty neat.” Turning my head to look toward the corner again, I saw Katie. My heart pounded when I saw her smile, and my breaths became shallow.
“Hello again,” the Indian said, grabbing my attention away from Katie.
“I have a dream catcher hanging above my bed! I found it in Ocean Shores!” Cindy began talking to him about the Indian reservation and tribes that existed along the western side of Washington’s coast that she had learned about in school. My attention shifted down the way, back to where I saw Katie.
She was gone.
“Let’s go,” I said, grabbing onto Cindy’s hand. Looking the Indian in the eyes, I said, “Thank you. Great wolf painting.”
Quickly weaving between the crowds, we arrived at the corner. I couldn’t find Katie anywhere.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Cindy said, tugging on my hand.
“Hold on, Cindy. I’m trying to find someone.” My eyes darted around the room as I tried to locate Katie again.
“No, Dad. Look!” Cindy tugged on my hand again, causing me to turn around.
Seeing Katie’s painting, my eyes widened.
“It’s Kip, Daddy! It’s Kip!” Cindy began jumping up and down.
Katie still cared. A can of questions popped open in my mind as I let go of Cindy’s hand and she ran up to the side of the roped-off area to get a closer look at the picture. Why didn’t she call me back?
Why’d she avoid me at the church?
How come she acted like she wanted nothing to do with me for the last two months?
“You like it?” Katie asked from behind me.
Turning around probably only took a second, but it felt like an hour too long. I couldn’t do it fast enough. My eyes met hers and she smiled. The room felt as if it just brightened up a little more in that moment. The crowd became deathly quiet and time came to a stop.
“I love it.”
She grinned and turned red as she looked at the floor. “Really?” She looked up and past me at the painting
. “It’s terrifying, putting yourself out on a canvas like that for the world to see.”
Out of all the questions that swirled in my mind right then, I asked only one. “Why Kip?”
She narrowed her eyes on me and had a look of nervousness about spilling her heart out in the middle of her big night. Katie stepped closer and grabbed onto my hand. She looked me in the eyes. “Kip was the reason I fell in love with you. When I first heard about how you were doing, Clay, I honestly feared where you were heading in life. But the gentleness and the kindness that you showed Kip made me realize you still had goodness somewhere inside of you. However small it was, it was there.”
Looking over at the painting and thinking about that day in the field when she stopped me from shooting that cat, I dipped my chin. “I almost killed that cat.”
Katie released my hand and lifted her palms to my face. Turning my head to look at her, she looked into each of my eyes and said, “You almost killed that cat out of love, just like you killed that man out of love for Missy. I know you didn’t mean to kill him that day. You were just protecting Missy. I can understand that, and appreciate it.”
My eyes welled with tears.
“I love you, Clay Roberts. Not because of what you have done, but because of the man you are.” She leaned in and gently kissed my lips.
“Ewwwww . . .” Cindy smacked my leg as she came back over to me. “Stop it! What about Mommy, Dad? What about Mommy?”
Katie went red in embarrassment.
“No. It’s not what you think. I’m not with Gail.” I grabbed Katie’s hand to keep her with me a moment longer.
She pulled away and said in a shaken voice, “I have to mingle. It was nice seeing you, Clay.” She abruptly turned and walked away.
My jaw clenched in anger as I saw her weave through the crowd upset and broken over what had just happened.
“I’m telling Mom.” Cindy crossed her arms and began to pout.
Getting down to her eye level, I grabbed her hands and gently held them in mine as I looked her in the eyes. “I know you’re mad and confused and hurt right now, dear.”
“Yeah! Because you’re kissing other girls that aren’t Mom!”
Smoothing my thumbs across the top of her small hands, I said, “I know.” Leaning forward, I kissed her forehead. This wasn’t the place to explain to my little girl why her mother and I couldn’t be together. Personally, I felt like she was too young to be told or made to understand any of this, but Gail brought her into it, so something had to be explained to her.
We left soon after, and I took her back to her mother at the Four Seasons hotel. We didn’t talk in the car about her mother and me not being together. I wanted to speak with Gail beforehand.
Getting up to the room Gail was staying in, I knocked.
“Daddy . . . can I come to your house?” Cindy asked.
“Tomorrow, dear.” I smiled down at her.
Gail opened the door.
Cindy went past her and got into her bag that was sitting on the floor next to the bed. I smiled as I looked at her for a moment, and Gail said, “Did you think about it?”
Breaking away from Cindy, I looked at Gail. “We need to talk.”
“I’m really tired, Clay. Could we do this tomorrow?”
I nodded. “Come out to Janice’s.” Looking past her, I said, “I love you, Cindy.”
“Love you too, Daddy!” she said as she pulled out a pony from her bag.
“Okay. Have a good night.” Gail shut the door and I left.
CHAPTER 22
Gail and Cindy came out to Janice’s house the next day. Cindy took to the field to play with the cats while Gail and I took a seat on the porch. I smiled as I watched Cindy sneak up on the calico cat. Gail brushed my arm with her hand.
“Did you give it any more thought? Me and you? Just like it used to be?”
“I invited you out here to talk for a reason.”
“I don’t like that tone. You sounded more sincere last night when you dropped Cindy off at the hotel.”
Adjusting in my seat, I shook my head. “Gail. You should have never brought her into our mess.” Seeing Cindy kick a patch of dirt up in the field, I continued. “She’s just a kid. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us.”
“It’s her life too, Clay.”
“Yeah. But I wasn’t married to Cindy.” Leaning on the arm of the chair toward Gail, I said, “It’s between me and you.”
“Okay.”
A stream of memories flowed through me of a life I once knew with Gail and Cindy as I conjured the words to speak. “There were plenty of good times in our marriage.”
She smiled and touched my arm again, but I pulled away.
“But it’s over. You left me. You divorced me, Gail.”
“Yeah, but you’ve gotten better. I divorced the man who couldn’t get out of a bottle. You now remind me so much of the old you, the one I married. I want to be with you again.”
Shaking my head, I said, “That’s not how the vows went down. That’s not for better or worse. That’s for better, or I’m going to leave and come back when it’s better again.”
“I know I made mistakes, but you can’t hold my past against me.”
I could see the fear in her eyes as she hung on every word I said. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to mess things up more in the relationship between Cindy and me. “You want to be with me because of the good progress I’ve made in the last few months. Doesn’t that seem wrong to you, Gail?”
She sat back in her chair and looked out to the field where Cindy was playing. The wheels were cranking in her mind, and I could tell that by the way she tapped her finger against her leg. It was something I had picked up on over the years. Looking over at me, she said, “I just want life to be the way it used to be. Ya know? Summer barbeques out back, our friends over and the kids playing in the pool. The simple times. The good times. As a family.”
There wasn’t much I understood about Gail anymore, but I did understand that longing for the past. “I know. I want that too, but it’s not realistic. There’s been too much that has happened. You broke our wedding vows. You left me. There’s been too much. We can’t return to the past. It’s impossible to rewind time to before all that happened.”
She tapped her finger against her leg a bit more as she kept quiet. Then tears began to stream down her cheeks. “What are we going to do about Cindy?” She looked over at me. “I can’t raise her alone. I know you’re sending money now, but she needs a dad.”
“Move back to Spokane. Let me be a father to her again.”
“My teaching job, though. I don’t know if I can find work.”
I shook my head. “You’ll figure it out. And I’ll help you with money. Just move back.”
“I’m scared.” Tears continued as she stood up and went over to the railing. Standing up, I walked over and joined her.
Cindy was now dancing in the dirt patch she found in the field. She circled one of the cats as she dangled a long piece of grass in front of it so it could play.
“I’m scared too. But we can’t let the fears we have hold us back in life. You believe in God.”
She laughed and brought her hands together, clasping them tightly. “My life and decisions sure don’t reflect it. I haven’t taken Cindy to church since we moved out. Just can’t muster the courage to try one.”
“You’re saved by grace, not by what you’ve done. You know what happened to me in that trailer park.” I shook my head as I continued. “I killed someone, Gail. I’m a testimony that God has enough grace for people to cover anything that they do wrong.”
“That’s true. And you have come through it.” She looked out to Cindy again. “We’ll do it.” She turned and looked at me. “My sister, Elly, has a spare room since her daughter went off to college. I’m sure she’d let me stay there until I get things put together.”
“There ya go. God will provide and take care of you. And you’ll have some
income from my child support also.”
Rubbing the wood grain of the railing, she kept nodding. “I can do this, not just for me, but for Cindy.” Cindy giggled as the cats ran away from her in the field, seeming not to have a care in the world. It was nice to enjoy the precious moment with the only other person in this world who would love Cindy as much as I do.
After Cindy and Gail went back to the hotel to swim and enjoy the hot tub that evening, Janice came home. When she walked through the door, I was sitting on the couch, staring at my cellphone on the coffee table and debating on whether to call Katie.
“You can’t will her to call you. Buck up and just call the woman! We like it when the man takes the action first.” Janice cut through the living room and into the kitchen. “Did you eat already?”
“We barbequed hot dogs.”
Janice stopped before heading down the hallway. Turning to me, she asked, “Did you talk to Gail?” I had filled her in on everything that happened the night before.
I nodded.
“And?”
“She’s going to move back to Spokane.”
Furrowing her eyebrows, she said, “That’s great. Why aren’t you happier about that?”
Looking up from the cellphone at Janice, I shrugged. “There’s a certain aspect of a great loss associated with it all. We had a life together for a long time, and now it’s just gone. It’s just a memory. A life that once was and is no longer.”
I could tell she was thinking about Paul in that moment as she touched her ring finger that was bare. “Life changes and we change. It’s a weird thing.” Her eyes fell back on my cellphone. “Just call her, Clay. You have nothing to lose.” Janice left down the hallway.
Picking up the phone, I dialed Katie. It went to voicemail so I hung up. She probably doesn’t want all the drama.