Disgrace

by Cherry, Brittainy

  “I haven’t seen him since the fight,” he told me.

  “Don’t lie to me, Finn.”

  “I’m not. I swear. Why did…?” He cocked an eyebrow and shook his head. “He let you down.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I told him as I turned and walked away.

  Finn called after me. “You can’t really be surprised, Grace. That’s what everyone’s been trying to tell you. He’s a ticking time bomb, and it was only a matter of time before he hurt you.”

  “He’s not what you think he is,” I swore. I knew Jackson. I knew the corners of his dusty soul that he never shared with anyone else. Something happened, and it had to be bad if it meant he’d pushed me away like he did. “He’s kind.”

  “Look at my face, Grace. How kind could he be?” Finn argued.

  “You started that fight.”

  “I was drunk. He did this sober. Besides, I know you. I know you better than you know yourself. He’s not the right move for you, Grace. You’re better than him.”

  I snickered. “That’s funny.”

  “What’s funny?”

  “That you think you know me. The truth is, the girl you knew died the moment you betrayed her.”

  “He’s a monster, Grace. He’ll keep hurting you and letting you down.” I walked away without responding as a tear rolled down my cheek. Yet Finn kept calling my way. “I’m not giving up on us, Grace! I’m not going to stop fighting for us.”

  It was insane to me how life worked.

  As Finley was going on and on about “us,” my mind was locked on Jackson and what scarred his heart.

  “Gracelyn Mae,” Autumn said, sitting at the reception table. She stood slowly, revealing her growing baby bump.

  Every time I saw her, a part of me wanted to die.

  She hurried around the desk in my direction. “What are you doing here? Is someone hurt?”

  “Don’t act like you care, Autumn,” I softly spoke.

  “But I do. I…” Her eyes watered over, and a chill raced over me. The last thing she needed to do was cry. I didn’t have time for her tears. “Were you talking to Finn?”

  I raised an eyebrow but didn’t reply.

  She continued as her body began to shake. “I know it’s not really my business, but, well, everything’s a mess. My own family won’t hardly talk to me, and now Finn is so distant. Are you two…is there something…?”

  I crossed my arms. “Are you asking me if my soon-to-be ex-husband is cheating on you with me?”

  Her tears fell.

  I hated her beautiful tears.

  “I just… I’m so lost. I don’t even know how to deal with it. Finn made all of these promises to me about a future, and I just can’t—”

  “No,” I cut her off. “You do understand why none of this is my concern, right? I’m not your person anymore, Autumn. You don’t get to confide in me when you’re the one who stole my life. You get that, right?”

  She took a few steps back. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry.”

  As I started to walk away, I heard her break into a sob, and my stomach knotted up. Even though I hated her, a part of me that still felt sorry for her. Call it stupidity, or call it ignorance, but her loneliness was something I once lived. The place where you wonder about all your faults for Finn not coming home to you. The place where you doubt every heartbeat in your chest.

  Autumn wasn’t a good friend. She hurt me to my core in more ways than one, but those words that Dad taught me slowly danced through my head.

  If you turn your back on one, then you turn your back on all.

  “Do you love him?” I asked as I looked up at her.

  With such unease, she nodded, ashamed to admit her love. “Yes.”

  “Do you love yourself?”

  More tears fell as she shook her head. “No.”

  I sighed because, for the first time since the news came out about Finn and Autumn, I saw her. I truly studied her beyond her beauty, beyond her being everything I thought I was supposed to be. I saw the cracks in her soul and the scars on her heart.

  She made a choice, just as Finn had. They decided to betray me, and their choices changed the course of all our lives. Now the two of them had to deal with those consequences, the same way I had. In her eyes, it almost seemed like she hadn’t known who she was, or where her life was heading. On top of that, she had to somehow find a way to be strong for the child she’d be bringing into the world someday soon.

  In those eyes, I saw her regret.

  Her sorrow.

  Her pain.

  Autumn hadn’t a clue what she was doing.

  She was broken, shattered, and alone. Her family turned on her, and the father of her child was pining after another woman. Autumn had hit rock bottom, and she didn’t have a clue who or what she was anymore.

  I knew what that was like—to be in such darkness that you forget what the light feels like.

  “You can’t love him if you don’t love yourself, Autumn. It’s impossible,” I swore to her.

  “I know, I know. It’s just…I’m so lost,” she cried.

  “I know,” I said in understanding. Even though she wasn’t my friend, and she hurt me, I understood the meaning of being lost. Maybe more than most. “But it’s not my job to find you. It’s not Finn’s job to find you. The only one responsible for you is you. You have to find yourself. You have to have your own back. Otherwise, you’ll spend your life trying to be everything for everyone else, and one hundred percent of the time, you’ll still not be enough. So, you gotta choose yourself. From this point on, you have to be your first choice. Otherwise, you’ll drown.”

  “Thank you, Grace.”

  I almost replied, always and always, but I wasn’t in the position to tell Autumn a lie.

  * * *

  “Mama, did you say something to Jackson today?” I asked her, walking into her living room.

  “It’s good to see you too, Gracelyn Mae. I’m glad to see you still remember where your family lives. If only you could recall where the church is, then we’d be fine,” she sarcastically remarked.

  “Mama. Did you talk to Jackson?”

  “Grace—”

  “Tell me the truth.” Her bottom lip quivered. My heart dropped. “Mama, how could you?”

  “Look at you, Gracelyn Mae. You aren’t yourself,” she said, gesturing toward me.

  “I wish people would stop saying that.”

  “It’s true. You’re not yourself, and you haven’t been for a long time. I spoke to him because I love you. I’m all about you finding yourself, but Jackson Emery isn’t the way you make that discovery.”

  “You don’t get to make that choice for me. You don’t get to run my life, but now, Jackson won’t even talk to me. What did you say to him?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Mama. Tell me.”

  But she wouldn’t. Her lips wouldn’t part, but her truth wouldn’t spill out from her tongue. I couldn’t even imagine what she could’ve told him to make him that way, to make him so cold after a summer of melting beside me. “I’m done. I’m done with this town, with this lifestyle, and with you, Mama. All my life, all I’ve ever done was try to make you proud, and the one time I choose myself over you is when you turn your back on me. All while claiming you love me. That’s not love, Mama. That’s manipulation, and my mind is no longer yours to control.”

  “Gra—”

  “I don’t want to see you again.”

  “You don’t mean that,” she warned. “I am your mother.”

  “No. You’re just the woman who gave birth to me. You are no mother of mine.”

  I turned and walked away, feeling more alone with every step I took. When I got to Judy’s house, I began to pack my bags. There was nothing left for me in Chester, Georgia, anymore, and I’d rent a car and be out of there before I could blink my eyes shut.

  “Grace?” Judy said, walking into my bedroom. “What’s going on? I just got a frantic
call from Mama. Are you okay?”

  “I’m leaving.”

  “What? Why? What’s going on?” Her voice was so alarmed as she walked to my side. “Talk to me.”

  “I can’t. I just have to go. I’m going to rent a car and drive back to Atlanta and get a rental place for a week before I move into my place. I just can’t…” I took a deep breath. “I can’t breathe here.”

  “Okay.” She nodded. “I’m coming with you. I’ll drive.”

  “What? No. Judy, you don’t have to do this. I can go on my own.”

  “I know you can, but you’re not going to. I’m driving.” She wouldn’t let me argue with her, and before I knew it, my suitcases were packed into the back of her car.

  We drove down the streets of Chester, and we paused at the stop sign right near Mike’s Auto Shop. I could see Jackson hammering out on the broken-down car around the building, hitting it repeatedly. When he looked up, my heart skipped.

  Judy turned my way. “Do you want to say goodbye?” she asked.

  “No,” I told her because even though my mom told him something, it was on Jackson that he chose to turn cold. He was allowed to make a choice, just like all humans were allowed to do. Our choices defined us. We could go left or right. We could say yes or no. We could hold on, or we could let go. Jackson chose to let go, and in response to that, I let him go, too.

  He and I were a summer of lust. We were a summer of finding ourselves. Of losing ourselves. Of finding each other. Of losing each other.

  Even though it was over, I had no regrets. If I could go back in time, I’d still fall into Jackson Emery because, to me, he represented possibilities. He stood for the idea that even on the dark days, one could still find light. During that summer, he became my faith, and I swore for a small moment, I was his.

  In the dark, vacant trunk of Judy’s Honda sat two pieces of mismatched, tattered, and torn luggage. They each held a part of me within them. They each told a story of the woman I was and the woman I was becoming. And Jackson Emery, the man I crashed into, the man who made me remember how it felt to breathe again, watched them all drive away.

  45

  Jackson

  She’d been gone for a few weeks, and I hadn’t stopped thinking about her. I did my best to get Grace off my mind, but she made it her mission to stay wrapped in every thought that crossed me.

  I didn’t mind.

  If I couldn’t have her, I’d at least have the memories of what we shared.

  On a cold evening in September, I received the call I’d been dreading for so many years. The call that rocked my world upside down and left me dazed and confused.

  “Jackson, it’s Alex. Your dad is in the ICU.”

  The second the words were spoken, I felt as if I’d died. I rushed to the hospital, and when I got to the reception desk, I panicked. “Hi, my dad was brought in. He’s in the ICU, a-a-and—” I began to stutter as the receptionist stared my way.

  Autumn.

  “Mike Emery, yes. Let me look up which room he’s in, Jackson,” she said, typing in some information. “He’s in room 234, on the second floor. Elevators are down the hall to the left.”

  I started moving before she even finished talking. I broke out into a run, and instead of taking the elevator, I shot up the stairs. My heart sat in my throat as I hurried to 234, and when I arrived, Alex was standing in the hallway talking to a doctor.

  “What’s going on?” I barked, barreling forward. “What’s the deal?” The anger that raced through my chest when I looked up and saw Finn staring my way only pissed me off more. “You’re his doctor?”

  “Yes, and—”

  “No. We want someone else.”

  “What? I’m sorry, I’m the only one on the floor tonight and—”

  “I don’t give a damn. Call someone else,” I ordered. The last thing I wanted was that asshole to be dealing with my father’s care.

  “Jackson, look, I know we’ve had our issues, but please believe that my patients are always my top priority,” Finn stated. “None of my personal issues are going to affect your father’s treatment.”

  “Bullshit. Get a new doctor,” I said through clenched teeth. My blood was racing, and I hadn’t had a chance to slow it down since getting the call from Alex.

  “Jackson,” Alex cut in. “Just listen to him. He was updating me on Mike’s condition.”

  I grimaced but didn’t say another word. I crossed my arms, and my eyes were locked on Finn. I didn’t trust the asshole, but at that moment, I didn’t really have a choice.

  “Your father suffered from acute alcohol poisoning. Your uncle found him passed out with vomit in his mouth, and he called an ambulance right away. Though he hasn’t woken up yet, we are closely working to stabilize him. We are watching his airways and maintaining his circulation and breathing. Now, it’s mainly a waiting game until he actually wakes up.”

  “That’s it?” I growled. “All you have to offer me is waiting? Are you kidding me?”

  Finn frowned, and I wanted to slam my fist right into his face. “I wish I had more information for you, but that’s where we are right now.”

  I wanted to cuss him out, but I didn’t. I walked into Dad’s hospital room, saw him hooked up to all those machines, and I swore my heart died all over again. “Fuck,” I said on an exhalation, pulling a chair up beside his bed. I lowered my head and sniffled.

  He looked like shit. He was so skinny and weak, and it seemed like those machines and wires were the only thing keeping him alive.

  “I can’t believe you did this,” I said, taking his hand into mine. “Listen, I don’t really have time for this, so can you just wake up? All right?” I nudged him in the arm. “Just wake up, all right?”

  “Jackson…” Alex’s voice was low, but I ignored him.

  “Wake up, you fucking asshole,” I said to my father, the man who had once been my hero. My chest burned as I choked on my words and tears began to fall from my eyes. My head fell to our embraced hands, and I began to fall apart. “Please, Dad,” I whispered. “Just wake up.”

  *

  Seven hours had passed, and he was still not waking up. They used the term alcoholic coma and told me there was nothing they could really do except for wait.

  I was so damn tired of waiting.

  “Jackson,” a voice said from the doorway. I’d been in the same chair in the same position since I’d arrived. I looked up to see Judy standing there. She gave me a small smile. “Hey, Jackson.”

  Seeing her eyes made me miss her sister.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I heard about your dad. As you know, rumors get around this town fast. I figured you could use someone to sit with you.” My stomach knotted up, but I didn’t reply as she walked into the room. She sat down beside me and gave me a small smile. “Are you okay?”

  “No.”

  “Okay. It’s okay not to be okay. But just know that you’re not alone.”

  I lowered my head, bewildered by Judy sitting beside me. She owed me nothing, not an ounce of her time or energy, yet there she was, sitting beside me, letting me know that I wasn’t alone.

  “Why are you here?” I asked her.

  “Because I made a promise.”

  “To who?”

  “My sister.”

  I turned to look at her, confused. “What do you mean?”

  “I drove her to Atlanta a few weeks ago, and when I was getting ready to leave, she asked me to do only one thing.”

  “And what was that?”

  “To look after you.”

  I grimaced and clasped my hands together. My feet tapped rapidly against the floor tiles. “I miss her,” I confessed.

  “I know,” she replied. “And she misses you, too. Which makes it hard for me to understand why you aren’t on speaking terms.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “It’s not. Falling for someone isn’t hard. It’s the easiest thing in the
world. It’s all the other things that surround the fall that make it hard. But those feelings that you both feel for one another? That’s easy, and if you allow yourself to let it in, you’ll be happy that you did. But you both are allowed to figure things out on your own time. For now, I’d just like to sit here with you if that’s okay.”

  “Yes.” I nodded. “That’s okay.”

  We sat in silence, watching the lines dance around the machines as my father fought for his life.

  “Can you not tell Grace about this?” I asked her. “Please. I don’t want her to worry.”

  “If that’s what you want, then I’ll respect that. But it’s okay for you to need her. It’s okay to need people.”

  I didn’t reply to her comment, but I simply thanked her for sitting beside me that afternoon. She gave me the warmest smile and lightly squeezed my knee. “Always and always.”

  If only she knew how much that meant to me.

  *

  Days passed, and nothing changed. Judy stopped by each day and would sit beside me whenever Alex wasn’t around. We didn’t talk about anything at all; we merely sat in silence wishing and hoping for my father to open his eyes. When Friday evening came, I sat in the room, and when a voice was heard at the door, I looked up.

  My chest burned.

  “Gracelyn,” I muttered, standing up.

  “Hi.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  Grace stood in the doorway. “Can I come in?”

  I nodded, and she walked into the room slowly. The look of fear in her eyes when she saw my father hurt me.

  He looked awful, and it was apparent.

  Then she looked at me. The look of sadness that found her eyes when she saw me hurt me.

  I looked awful, and it was apparent.

  She didn’t say another word, but she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close.

  God, I missed this.

  I missed her. I missed us.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

  “I’m so sorry,” I replied.

  I held her for a while, afraid to let go because I feared if I did, she’d just fade away like a mirage.