Falling for Hadie

by Komal Kant

  “Two days,” Dad said.

  Shit! I didn’t even know how I’d gotten here. The last thing I remembered was being in Mr. Swinton’s office and feeling dizzy and nauseous. I’d gone to give him the letter for Hadie, because he was the only one I trusted to give it to her when the time was right.

  “Has Hadie…come by?” I had to pause between words because each time I tried to speak there was a stab of pain in my chest. My chest hurt with each breath, too. I was losing and the cancer was winning.

  “No, she hasn’t.”

  I focused on Dad’s face and gave him a ‘what the fuck?’ look. That wasn’t possible. I knew Hadie, and I knew she’d never desert me when I needed her the most, so what the hell was going on?

  “Why?’

  Dad let out a long breath. “Your mother didn’t want her to see you.”

  “What?” I choked out.

  “She didn’t think it was a good idea, so she told Hadie that she couldn’t see you.”

  I was angry. I wanted to yell and vent my rage, but obviously the medication was suppressing that part of my emotions. I addressed Dad in a perfectly calm voice.

  “And what did…you say?”

  “Nothing.”

  “When are you…going to stand up to her? When are you…going to think for…yourself?”

  Dad was silent. I felt bad for saying these things to him, but someone had to tell him. Even if that someone was his seventeen-year-old son.

  “Where’s Mom? I want to…talk to her.”

  “She went home to get some rest, but I’ll call her back. Let me get a nurse first though. They told me to tell them if you woke up.”

  If I woke up? So they hadn’t expected me to recover full consciousness?

  When I didn’t say anything, mostly because I was trying to conserve my energy for my showdown with my mother, Dad sighed and left the room.

  I took that chance to look around the room again. I was in a ward with three other beds. The one beside me and the one directly opposite me were empty, but the bed in the corner had curtains drawn around it for privacy.

  The walls were a pasty white color and the floors such a bright white that it hurt to look at them for too long. The darkness was solid beyond the window, so I knew it was quite late at night.

  I heard shoes click-clacking on the tiled floor and a nurse walked into the room dressed in scrubs and carrying a clipboard. She gave me a bright smile as she approached my bed.

  “Hi, Lincoln, I’m Jean. I just wanted to see how you were feeling.”

  I shrugged. “I’m okay.”

  She nodded, a sad smile on her face. “That’s good to hear. Now, I’m just here to adjust your pain medication. The doctor already made his rounds when you were asleep, so he’ll check in on you in the morning. So on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being highest, could you please tell me your level of pain?”

  “Nine-and-a-half.” I would’ve said ten, but I didn’t want to sound like a complete wuss.

  Jean made a note on her clipboard. “And are you feeling slight discomfort or is the pain excruciating?”

  “It’s like…a hundred hot needles are stabbing me in the chest but…from the inside.”

  She frowned and also noted this on her clipboard. “You seem short of breath. Are you having difficulty breathing?”

  “It hurts…to breathe.”

  “Okay, Lincoln, what I’m going to do is get you some morphine to numb some of the pain. You’ll have to let me know how you’re feeling afterwards. I’ll be right back.”

  Jean walked out of the room again and I settled back into the pillows and shut my eyes. I needed to see Hadie. I had to see her now.

  What I hadn’t told the nurse was how hard it had been to focus on her when she’d been speaking. I hadn’t told her that it’d felt like my consciousness was slipping away. I kept all that to myself because I could tell that I didn’t have much time left.

  I was trying so hard to hold on until Hadie got here, but what if she took too long? What if my mom didn’t grant my final wish? What if I didn’t get a chance to say good-bye to Hadie?

  The click-clacking sound of heels on the floor came closer and I opened my eyes as Jean walked back into the room carrying a syringe and the clipboard.

  “Now, just relax,” she said with that same easy smile which suddenly looked familiar. I had seen that same smile somewhere else.

  Jean placed the clipboard down on the bedside table before turning to the IV with the syringe in her hand. Nothing happened for a while, but then I felt a familiar burning sensation as the morphine entered my vein. The sensation only lasted for a moment before a calmness descended upon me. My muscles relaxed and the pain in my stomach was more subdued than it had been before.

  Jean picked up her clipboard and noted something down on it. When she was done she stood there, hesitating like she wanted to say something.

  “My son goes to school with you,” she finally said. “You might know him. His name is Eddison.”

  Wracking my brain, I began to shake my head when I couldn’t put a face to the name. I was new after all and I didn’t know many of the students on a first name basis.

  “Oh, his friends call him Eddie. You might know him by that name,” she said. “I only mentioned it because he was asking me about you.”

  Eddie who worked with Hadie. Eddie who had a crush on Hadie. The same Eddie who Hadie had found a friend and confidante in.

  “Yeah,” I said, “I do know him. Nice guy.”

  Her eyes lit up and she looked like any proud mother would. “That’s what he said about you.”

  A thought struck me and I glanced down at Jean’s clipboard. “Do you have…spare paper?”

  She regarded me curiously. “Did you want to write someone a note?”

  “Yeah.”

  Jean flipped through the papers on her clipboard, chewing on her bottom lip. She finally stopped, pulled out a piece of paper and attached it to the clipboard before handing the entire thing to me along with a pen.

  I knew what I wanted to say, but it was just a matter of whether I could write it down or not. They were five simple words, but they were difficult to write. It wasn’t just because my hand was unsteady; it was also because writing those five words down made everything real.

  It was admitting to myself that my time was up—I could feel it in my bones. My body was giving me all the signs. It was telling me that it was weary of this life and that it was time for me to let go.

  Writing that note was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I had to do it. I had to let go. I had to write this note so that they knew that it was okay to move on and live their lives.

  When I was done, I pulled the page free from the clipboard and folded it in half before handing everything back to Jean. Then I handed her the note.

  “Did you want me to give this to someone?” she enquired.

  “Eddie.”

  Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she didn’t question my motives. “Okay, I’ll give it to him when I get home.”

  I shook my head. “No…give it to him…after I…die…”

  My voice trailed off as my eyes grew heavy again, and I couldn’t fight the darkness any longer. The words I had written bounced around in my head and I could hear a woman speaking to me, her tone urgent, but all I could see were the words swimming around in my head.

  The words that had been so necessary for him to know.

  Don’t give up on her.

  ***

  It was a surprise, even to me, when I woke up.

  At first everything was out of focus, but finally my weary eyes settled on three figures sitting beside my bed.

  My dad had come back and he’d brought Mom and Becky along with him.

  “Lincoln!” Mom cried, jumping to her feet. “I can’t believe it! You’re awake!”

  I didn’t answer her at first. I felt a lot weaker than I had when I’d woken up last time, and so I simply stared at the three members of my small family
as our years together flashed through my head.

  Becky and I had grown up together. She was my twin and she’d been my first friend. We’d been so close growing up but then we’d drifted apart the older we got. Becky’s life had become all about gossiping and back-stabbing. The rift between us had gotten so bad that she’d betrayed my trust to a guy just so she could be popular.

  Mom had always favored Becky over me for some reason. I was the one who was always doing something wrong in her eyes. Mom, who was judgmental, controlling, and talked about people behind their backs, would always hide behind her fake smiles and poisonous words. I’d always known there was more to her behavior and why she was that way, but I didn’t have enough time let to get to know my own mother. That thought alone saddened me.

  Then there was Dad. He kept to himself and minded his own business. He needed to grow a backbone. He needed to get away from Mom. He needed his freedom. Underneath that timid behavior was a great guy, I just knew it. He just needed the right person to bring it out of him. He needed to start thinking for himself.

  “He’s babbling…” Mom said, her tone terrified.

  That was real fear. This was as real as I’d ever seen her since she’d slapped me. There was something I was supposed to ask her, but I couldn’t remember what it was. It had seemed important…but, maybe it hadn’t been as important as I’d thought.

  My mind drifted and I closed my eyes because it was easier than struggling to keep them open. I rolled over and let my mind wander.

  There was a lake, and a dog, and a field of grass, and rain. There was a smile with no face, a voice filled with laughter and smiles. There was a hand, soft against mine, and chestnut-colored eyes that swam in the dark recesses of my mind.

  My thoughts were overlapping, they had no structure to them, but I was desperately trying to hold onto something. There was a puzzle of my life missing that I hadn’t pieced together yet. I couldn’t let go until I had figured it out.

  Then a face, so beautiful that it made my insides cry, consumed my confused thoughts. A name rolled on the tip of my tongue.

  “Hadie…”

  There was silence, and then, “What did he say?” That was my mother’s voice.

  “He’s asking for Hadie,” Becky supplied.

  “Well, that’s ridiculous!” Mom sounded outraged. “She’s not family. She has no reason to be here.”

  Their voices sounded so faint and distant, but I was sure they were in the same room as me. Where was Hadie? I wanted to see Hadie. I had to see her and hold her close to me. I struggled to form words, to tell Mom that Hadie had to be here, but nothing came out.

  “She’s already on her way,” Dad said. “I called her when I left the hospital to get you. She’ll be here soon.”

  “What?” Mom cried. “I thought I made it clear that…”

  “Our son is dying, Maggie!” Dad said, his voice rising. “Do you understand that? Do you get that? You can’t control him anymore! He wants to see Hadie and, well, I’ll be damned if he doesn’t get his last wish!”

  There was spluttering and Mom finally spoke. “I have never been spoken to like that in my life, Howard! How dare you…”

  “Don’t worry, Maggie, you’ll never have to hear me speak to you like that ever again because I’m not moving back to New York with you.”

  “WHAT?”

  “Keep your voice down,” Dad said calmly. “We can talk about this later.”

  “This is too much for me to deal with right now. Our son is sick and all you can think about is yourself,” Mom said after a long silence. “I need time to think, I’m going to get some fresh air.”

  “I’ll go with you,” Becky said.

  The sound of their footsteps echoed around the room as they left. There was a chill spreading through my chest now as I rolled over to face my dad again, trying to keep warm. He must’ve noticed me shivering, because I felt the blanket being tucked in around me.

  “I know I haven’t been the best father to you.” Dad’s voice was close to my ear. “But I want you to know how much I love you. I’m going to try and change that for Becky. I see how selfish she’s becoming and I don’t want that kind of life for her. Thank you for showing me what I need to do to change.”

  His hand was in my hair, ruffling it, before he pulled it away. “Hadie’s here.”

  I stirred, forcing my eyes open. I had to see her one last time before I slipped away. She had to be the last person that I saw before I left this life behind.

  She was approaching me as I peeked at her through half-lidded eyes. Seeing Hadie was like a burst of light had hit me at full force. It was hard to explain what she did to me, but my thoughts were running too fast for my mind to comprehend. My heart was leaping and bounding in its frail state. Every part of me was calling out to her, wanting for her to be closer to me, needing her. My insides screamed in joy when she took my hand and my eyes struggled to open the rest of the way so I could finally look at her.

  She wasn’t smiling like she always did. She was sobbing her heart out for me. But she was still so beautiful and my heart loved her for the person she was.

  I couldn’t tell her that it was going to be okay—I couldn’t tell her anything. I wished I could do more than just lie here helpless.

  “Hadie…” I mumbled, hoping that that single world could relay to her how I was feeling.

  I hoped she understood how vastly she’d changed my short life in these short weeks. I hoped she knew how much she meant to me and that I didn’t want to leave her. I hoped she could feel how much I loved her.

  Then I shut my eyes, a calm descending upon me with the knowledge that Hadie would be the last person I’d ever see.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Hadie

  By the time I’d reached Lincoln’s bed I was already crying uncontrollably.

  Mr. Bracks gave my shoulder a tight squeeze and left the room to give me some privacy. I appreciated that he’d stood up to his wife and allowed me to come and see Lincoln.

  Now that I was here, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t seem to do anything other than cry. I should hold his hand or hug him or something, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but stare.

  Lincoln already looked so different in just a couple of days. His skin was pale, there was a shade of red ringing his eyes, and his appearance was haggard. He barely resembled the Lincoln who always had a twinkle in his eye.

  My first instinct was to bolt and leave the room, but I planted my feet firmly on the floor and tried to stay strong. It was too hard to see him like this. It was hard to believe how quickly his condition had worsened.

  My heart skipped a beat when Lincoln started to open his eyes. The blue in them was just as bold as ever, but vacant somehow. It was like he was looking at me but not really seeing me.

  Stepping closer, I bent down to study him just as his eyes closed again. He was taking short breaths and seemed to struggle with each one.

  “Hadie…” he slurred.

  A smile spread across my face at the sound of my name as I took his hand. I wasn’t sure how aware he was of what was going on, but I was glad he had recognized me.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to come and see you,” I said, stroking his hand and studying his gaunt features, “but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

  A ghost of a smile stirred his features and I hoped that it was because he’d heard and understood me.

  There was a tug on my hand and I looked down in surprise to see that Lincoln was pulling at me. He was whispering something, but I couldn’t hear him clearly.

  My forehead creased. What was he trying to say?

  He pulled on my hand again, a gentle pull that lacked energy. Then he rolled over and I stared at him stumped, because he was still holding onto me. There was a small bit of space beside him and I stared at it, understanding dawning on me.

  He wanted me to lie next to him.

  Well, that was going to be tricky. The hospital
beds were tiny and it would be a tight squeeze for the both of us, but if that’s what he wanted then I wouldn’t refuse him. Well, at least that’s what it seemed like he wanted. It was hard to be certain.

  Careful not to disturb the tubes that connected him to the machine beside him, I climbed onto the bed and nestled down beside him. He turned over again and placed his arm over me. So I guess I’d been correct in assuming that he’d wanted me to lie with him after all.

  I reached over to brush his hair, which had grown long, out of his face. I hated seeing him so vulnerable, but I was hoping and praying that he would be fine and that he’d walk out of here. I wanted so desperately for him to be alright, for us to walk into school together in a few days and laugh off what had happened.

  Still, there was a part of me that was telling me that that wasn’t going to happen. Not in the condition that he was in now. I wanted to punch that part of me and tell it to leave me and my optimism alone.

  “I love you,” I whispered. “And I want you to know that I will never let this go. I will always hold onto the things you taught me. Being in this moment with you, I’m falling even more in love. If my love could save you, you would live forever.”

  I thought I saw him stir at my words, but he made no other motion to acknowledge that he’d heard me. Sadness swept through me like a crushing wave and I tightened my grip on his hand as I snuggled in closer.

  His body was ice cold, and despite the chill weather, I knew that it had nothing to do with his body temperature. He was cold because his life was leaving him.

  But I didn’t want to think about that anymore. I wanted to relish this time with him. I wanted to remember every detail of his face. I wanted to memorize exactly how his body felt against mine.

  My only regret was that I hadn’t gotten here sooner, that I hadn’t had a chance to speak to him. Mr. Bracks had told me that Lincoln had been talking fine when he’d first become conscious. I hated that I hadn’t been here to see him. I hated that his mother had kept me away from him. I would never forgive her for that.

  But I was here now, and that’s all that mattered—just being here with him, having a chance to spend these precious moments with him. Being able to hold his hand and study his face and cherish the time he had left.