Kicking Eternity

by Ann Lee Miller

  “Maybe your dad misses the closeness you used to have, too.”

  Cal walked in. “Whoa. Is it art appreciation hour and I didn’t get the memo?”

  Drew watched Rainey go beet red. Hello. What was that about?

  “I showed Drew your painting.”

  Cal’s eyes narrowed. “At least it’s one of my better ones.” He tossed a box of paintbrushes onto a table. Cal was steamed. You’d think he’d be pleased people were admiring his work instead of territorial. Go figure.

  “You guys headed to the dining hall for breakfast?” Rainey sounded too cheerful.

  “Gotta go.” He headed for the door. “Catch you later.” He’d never cared much for Cal, and he wasn’t sticking around for a front row seat to Cal and Rainey’s drama. He jogged down the Lodge steps, his gut churning. What did she see in that guy anyway?

  #

  Raine eyed Cal uncomfortably. Cal seldom showed his face before noon, what was he doing up so early? God, protect me from my feelings for Cal.

  She stepped toward the door. “I’m starved!”

  “Raine, I get that you’re not interested in anything more than friendship with me.”

  His words fell on her back. She stopped, not turning around, absorbing the tightness in his voice. What do I do, Lord?

  “But do you have to treat me like a pariah?”

  Every minute she spent with him, she fell deeper into the blue of his eyes. She turned toward him. “I haven’t been around much this week because I have a zillion details to get done for Africa.” That was true, but they didn’t all have to be done this week. “Come on, let’s eat breakfast.” She glanced back toward the door.

  Cal looked at her like he was reading the small print on her heart. She held her breath. He brushed past her in the doorway and pushed through the screen lodge door into the morning sun.

  Chapter 8

  Silverware clinked on the Sunday china. Raine’s taste buds smiled as she chewed Mom’s pot roast. She glanced at Drew and caught his eye, glad she’d thought to invite him as a buffer. Today she’d take that first step across the bridge back to relationship with Dad. How had she been blind for so many years? Eddie’s secrets weren’t hers to tell, but she didn’t have to completely shut herself off from Dad.

  “So, you like teaching, Drew?” Dad said.

  Wow, Dad had a fresh dye job since Wednesday. What was the occasion? She shot her brother, Logan, a look, but his eyes were on Drew.

  “Yeah, I’m in it for the long haul.”

  Dad’s lips flattened out like they did when he was pleased. “What church do you attend?”

  Would Dad give it a rest already?

  “I grew up at Coronado Baptist, but I’ve been going to The Beach—the church associated with the camp—since it opened.”

  Mom started the potatoes around the table for seconds. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about that church.”

  She had to steer the family away from grilling Drew. “Dad, how’s summer school Algebra 1 going?”

  “Fine. The kids apply themselves better the second time around, you know. By the way, did Raine tell you we homeschooled?” Dad eyed Drew. “What do you think of home schooling?”

  “Raine sure turned out fine.” Drew’s smirk settled on her at the same time she realized what was going down: roasting the potential son-in-law for lunch. She could imagine how Drew would tease her after this.

  She shot a long-suffering look at Logan who winked at her, obviously enjoying the whole event. She looked back at Dad willing him to talk about something, anything— “So, I made my plane reservation for Africa today.”

  Dead silence.

  Dad’s eyes bore into her. “There’s a twenty-four hour grace period. Get your money back.”

  She looked at Mom. “You believe God called me to Africa, don’t you?”

  “Yes. But I don’t know when. Maybe your father is right. Maybe you need,” —Mom eyed Drew like the prize pig at the Volusia County Fair— “to tie up some loose ends before you go.”

  She clamped down on her lip with her teeth. Africa. She’d never wanted anything so badly in her life.

  Dad’s face turned the pink of the center of the roast. “Cancel the ticket.”

  “I’m an adult.” She stood and glared at Dad. Somewhere under her anger she knew she’d botched the whole reconciliation.

  “You won’t go with my blessing.”

  “I have another month to decide. That’s when I have to pay for the ticket.” She squeezed the words out quietly with the last of her self-control and walked out the front door.

  In Drew’s truck, she drummed on the dashboard thinking about her sins—the way she used to send Antoine out in the back yard to think about his puppy misdeeds. Good thing Drew hadn’t followed her out to the truck. It wouldn’t have been pretty.

  As the minutes ticked by—what was Drew doing in there, anyway?—her anger ratcheted down. She’d only widened the gulf between her and Dad. She’d only been trying to deliver Drew from the hot seat. Boy-howdy, but that had backfired.

  She drummed on the dash. She should go in and try again, but she just couldn’t suck up the want-to.

  Drew stepped out the front door and jogged down the steps.

  She eyed him as he got in. “About the inquisition. I had no idea—”

  Drew pulled out onto Atlantic Avenue. “Your dad wanted to know what my intentions were.”

  Raine slid down in the seat and put her hands over her face. “Taking you home was the worst idea I’ve ever had.”

  “You were the one who brought Africa up.”

  “To rescue you.”

  “Me? I was having fun. Don’t you want to know what I said?”

  She peeked through her fingers at Drew.

  He laughed. “Never mind. It wasn’t important.”

  She sat up, refusing to analyze the emotions caterwauling inside her, but her stomach felt like she’d downed a Diet Coke and a package of Mentos.

  Drew pulled to a stop behind the Canteen and turned the engine off. He looked at her. “Earth to Rainey. You can get out now.”

  She opened the door and slid out onto the sandy lot. Her eyes ran over the clumps of grass growing against the building while she waited for Drew to exit the truck.

  “Catch you later. I’ve got to do my laundry—”

  “Drew!”

  He laughed. “Oh, so you do want to know what I told your dad.”

  “You are the most irritating guy on the planet! Tell me what you said. Now.”

  “Bossy Queen Rainey!”

  She pursed her lips and waited.

  “I said my intentions were honorable.”

  “Glad to hear it.” She spun and race-walked toward her cabin.

  #

  Drew watched Rainey march away from the truck. She was embarrassed by her family’s thinking they were a couple. He should have gone easy on her, but it was too hard to resist teasing her on this one. Then why didn’t he feel satisfied?

  Her shoulders were still rigid as she neared her cabin. Why was it so ludicrous to Rainey that he could be a husband candidate? She’d lit up when Cal stepped into the classroom the other day. What was he? Three-day-old-grouper? What about all the women from church who plied him with concert tickets and phone messages he never returned? They didn’t see anything wrong with him.

  Rainey disappeared into her cabin. Why was he going down this road? For all he knew, God would bring Sam back into his life. Someday.

  #

  Raine slumped in Aly’s office chair. “Have you ever wanted something for so long, you’d do anything to get it?”

  Aly scraped her chair across the wood floor and kicked the office door shut “Okay, I’ll play. Someone to hold me when I cry. Someone who loves the ‘me’ inside—no matter what. I want a career like this. I pretty much run the business end of camp and get Jesse’s approval.”

  “Africa, for me.” Raine stared out Aly’s window at the bougainvillea pressing its fuc
hsia blooms against the dirty screen. “Are there things you don’t want to give up to get what you want?”

  “Maybe.” Aly scrunched her nose. “Guys like Gar who are all about having a good time. If I keep dating Gars, I’m never going to find the guy who will love me for me.”

  “I want it all—Africa, Dad’s permission, Eddie okay. Cal.”

  Aly’s hazel eyes settled on her. “Cal’s not exactly missionary material.”

  “Am I if I want Cal? I mean, Christianity is all about sacrifice, not about getting what you want.”

  “You’re not converting me here.”

  “Oh, sorry, I forget sometimes that you haven’t crossed over yet.”

  Aly laughed. “Yet?”

  She waved a dismissing hand toward Aly. “I’m not worried about you.”

  Aly stared at her for a long moment, and Raine wished she’d thought before she spoke.

  “There’s something way down underneath everything in Cal,” Aly said. “Like bedrock. But I don’t know if it’s religion. I still can’t picture him preaching to Africans.”

  Raine leaned forward on Aly’s desk. “Yeah. He thinks I look down on him like he’s not good enough. I can’t tell him I have to stay away from him because I like him too much.”

  “Want me to say—”

  “No!”

  “I was just offering to help.”

  “And now Drew thinks I took him home to meet the folks because I want to marry him.”

  Aly’s jaw dropped. “You didn’t!”

  “I wanted to keep my dad from badgering me about Africa. That’s all. I didn’t connect the dots until my dad had grilled-Drew for lunch.”

  “Drew is sort of your type.”

  “My type?”

  “Religious. You have to admit, he’s good looking. I’d go after him myself if he weren’t so straight-arrow.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Raine stared at the photo of the Smyrna Queen on the wall behind Aly. “When I think about it, he’s only gotten better looking since I had a crush on him in junior high.”

  “Ha! I told you!”

  “Drew is Drew. Always teasing me like he was born into my family.”

  “And he sees you—”

  “Like a sister. He got such a hoot out of my family’s mistaking him for son-in-law material. And he’s never going to let me forget it.” She stood up.

  Aly’s expression said she didn’t agree, but she let it go.

  Raine headed for the door. “Thanks, Aly, I feel better.”

  “What did you mean, you aren’t worried about me? My sister is always crazy freaked-out about me—the loser guys, burning in hell, the whole deal.”

  Raine shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think you’re that far from believing.”

  Aly’s forehead wrinkled. “Why?” The word weighed a hundred pounds.

  She had to get the answer right. Please, God. “Whenever faith comes up, you go zero to red hot. It must be an important issue.”

  Aly started to say something, but she cut her off. “And you get me. If you get me, then why wouldn’t you get—”

  “Jesus.” The anger Raine expected was missing from Aly’s voice.

  Raine slipped out the door and shut it behind her before Aly could change her mind and go ballistic. She’d told her the truth, but she couldn’t help feeling like she bungled it. Help Aly find her way.

  She walked across camp toward the tree line. Aly didn’t buy that Drew saw her as a sister. What did Drew mean when he said his intentions were honorable? What if Drew told her dad he was interested in marrying her? What. If. He. Were.

  #

  Cal thumb tacked the last of the kids’ paintings to the wall that separated his classroom from Raine’s. He flattened his hand against the wall, his gut reaching for her through the drywall, two-by-fours, and plaster. But he knew she wasn’t there. He’d barely seen her since the night at the gazebo—only when he walked in on her and Drew scrutinizing Day at the Beach and at a distance.

  He was torqued that she rejected him in the gazebo. That never happened. Maybe he’d flunked out of college, but women loved him. Even Aly had never rejected him. Of course, he’d never given her the opportunity. Not only had Raine refused to kiss him, she wanted nothing to do with him.

  He hoisted the heavy roll of art paper onto a table and unrolled a section. Why couldn’t he rewind his emotions to the beginning of the summer when Raine was simply entertainment. He hadn’t cared what she thought about him or anything else.

  He ripped off a sheet of paper the length of the table and moved to the next table. There was no going back. He was hungry to look at her, really look. He hated feeling this way. And he hated that he didn’t measure up to the kind of guy Raine would be attracted to, a guy like Drew Martin.

  He’d find a way to get her out of his system. He ripped off another sheet of paper. Overexposure could work. Mom once fed him nothing but ice cream for three days to get him over his junk food phase. He’d find a way.

  #

  Raine was almost to the cabin when it hit her, the wave that was Eddie. It always swelled when she’d seen or heard from him. But today, it crashed over her unprovoked, a flood of pain, fear at its crest. It made the rest of her life seem insignificant. What did it matter whether Drew thought she was on a mission to walk him down the aisle? What did it matter if she was sliding down a hill into love with Cal?

  Where was Eddie? What was he thinking? Was he suicidal? Overdosed? Beaten up by some drug dealer he owed money to? For her sake, would he go to rehab? But she knew the answers already. If he loved her enough, he’d already have gone. Long ago.

  The wave started at the bottom of her rib cage, in the center, and fanned out in all directions till she could only lie on her bunk and stare at nothing. The ache was too deep for crying. She knew from experience, she couldn’t walk it off, escape it with TV or a book.

  “God, make the pain stop. Rescue me. Help me. End my misery. I’m fine with checking out early. Jesus, You can come back and get me now.” She’d had the same conversation with God a dozen times. And she meant it. She wasn’t suicidal. That was Eddie. She was ready. More than ready for the pain to stop.

  She texted Eddie.

  #

  Gray clouds hovered over the ocean as Raine approached the seawall. High tide licked the sand behind where Drew sat. He faced the shore and not the ocean the way she usually found him. When he spotted her, he jumped to his feet and walked toward her.

  She met him half way.

  Drew looked down at her feet and back up to her eyes. “I’m sorry I teased you about your parents thinking we were going out. Sometimes I push it too far. Will you forgive me?” His eyes swirled with emotions she couldn’t read.

  She walked toward the water. Drew followed. “I think I’m getting used to you. It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Not compared to her panic attack over Eddie.

  “It didn’t sound like ‘no big deal’ when you stomped off.”

  She stopped at water’s edge and looked over at Drew. “Sometimes I’m twelve inside and it bleeds to the outside. Embarrassing.” Her hair blew into her eyes.

  Drew brushed it aside, his fingertips resting in her hair. “We’re okay, then?”

  She smiled. “Yeah.” His touch was unnerving her. What if—

  Drew’s hand dropped, and he turned back to watch the sun burn away the clouds.

  Maybe the touch only felt intimate to her. He had just been making sure she’d forgiven him.

  They stood in silence watching the horizon.

  She turned toward the jetty and took a few steps.

  Drew came up beside her. “Any word from Eddie since we saw him at Lost Lagoon?”

  Pain knifed through her at the sound of Eddie’s name. She glanced at Drew. “If I could divorce my brother, I’d do it. I try not thinking about him, not worrying about him, but it doesn’t work. He’s always there, like a redwood planted in my heart a hundred years ago.”

>   “I’m sorry you have to hurt like this.”

  “Sometimes I hate him. He doesn’t care that yesterday I lay in my bunk staring at Aly’s springs, too paralyzed with fear and pain and anger to function. Could his suicide hurt any worse than this?” She peered at Drew, but she saw no judgment in his eyes, only compassion. “I want him to love me like he used to, to care about me enough to not torture me.”

  “I don’t know Eddie, but I bet he’s not trying to hurt you.”

  Tears sprung to her eyes. “Then why is he doing it?”

  “It’s all about the drug. He can’t think straight when the meth has a stranglehold on him.”

  “I want out. Maybe in Africa, I’ll be free.”

  Drew’s lips set in a firm line. He stared at the whitecaps dotting the Atlantic.

  She wiped her tears away with her palms. She wasn’t the only one in the world with pain. “Do you still think about Kurt every day?”

  “Yeah, I do.” He looked at her then. “Rainey, I wish I could promise you running to Africa would work. But my guess is the pain will go with you. The only thing I know is if you take God into those deep cracks Eddie’s made in your heart, you’ll fill them with something good. Somehow the suffering won’t be wasted.”

  The truth of Drew’s words sunk in. How, Lord? Show me. “You didn’t hear this in a sermon, did you?”

  Drew cracked a smile. “Hardly. I’ll tell you about it one of these days.”

  She held his gaze. “Yes you will.”

  Drew chuckled.

  She stepped around a mound of seaweed. “About Africa—can I honor my parents, but go to Africa against their wishes?”

  “I guess you have to listen to your conscience.”

  “Dad says he’s my authority till I marry. What does the Bible say about it?”

  “I’ll check it out, but you’re still going to have to submit to me one of these days—if I decide to accept your proposal, that is.”

  She smacked him in the arm.

  “Hey!”

  “What? You’re the one who’s throwing something in my face I didn’t mean.”