In Favour of Fools: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 1)

by J Battle

  ‘Dart. Well, obviously I’m here to secure your services; if you are not too busy to take on new clients.’

  He looked around my office and raised his eyebrows as if the state of my office had just proved his case; that I was not in position to refuse him.

  I played along.

  ‘What particular service are you looking for?’

  ‘I want you to find a man.’ My mind was racing. Was this really happening, or was I having a particularly unpleasant nightmare?

  ‘OK, if you can zap me his details, I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘His name is Johnson, and I’m guessing you already have his full details. Is that the case, Mr. Chandler?’ His tone was relaxed and unthreatening.

  ‘I think I’m going to have to pass on this particular case,’ I replied, in the same casual manner. ‘I have more than enough work on at the moment. Perhaps I can give you the name of another agency? The H. Parrot bureau would do a fine job for you.’

  ‘I don’t think so. You already know far more than is ideal; I don’t want to get anyone else involved.’

  ‘You’ve only told me his name.’

  ‘Yes, that is true, but you’ve found everything else out for yourself. So now we’re in this together, and I think it will be best for all of us if you just do as you are told. You know who I am Chandler and I hope you are bright enough to understand the weight behind my words. If not, there will be consequences. So, you’ll find Johnson for us, won’t you, Son?’

  Slightly less relaxed now, and quite a bit more threatening.

  In a fit of madness, possibly brought on by his boorish attitude, or maybe too much coffee, I responded.

  ‘I think you mean Masters, don’t you, Dart?’ I smiled sardonically; that was what I was going for, anyway.

  He matched my smile and raised it with a gleeful chuckle.

  ‘I did wonder if you’d worked it out. So, you know even more than I thought. What does that mean for our continued relationship?’

  It was dawning on me that I should have kept my mouth shut, and perhaps cut down on the coffee.

  ‘Surely my knowledge just makes things easier for us. There is now no need to keep up the pretence.’

  ‘You may be right; or you may be wrong. Let’s see how things develop.’

  ‘OK.’ I nodded, adopting a business-like attitude. ‘Tell me the full story.’

  ‘Before I say anymore, there are a couple of facts I need to make you aware of. Firstly, you will not be paid for this job, unless we succeed in getting our money back. Payment by results I think they call it.’

  ‘I usually have a ten percent deposit up front.’

  ‘What about this case sounds usual to you, Mr. Chandler?’

  I nodded again; conceding the point.

  ‘And the second fact?’

  ‘Your sister will be staying with us for a while, to help you keep your mind focussed on the task and prevent unsafe thoughts from developing in your mind.’

  I would have leapt out of my chair and rushed to Julie’s defence, but the cold hard gun Dart was holding casually in one hand suggested that I should stay where I was.

  ‘If you hurt her...’ He held up his free hand to stop me, which was for the best as I had no idea what I was going to say next.

  ‘Spare me the histrionics and wild threats. Just do as I say, and she will be fine. I’m sure you can do without her services for a few days, and you can be sure that she will be treated with respect and dignity whilst she is in our care.’

  There wasn’t much else I could do other than nod.

  ‘Now that's sorted, we can get down to business. Ben Masters was our leader. Technically, he still is, but never mind that. He was the target of attacks which compromised the security of our little group, so we arranged for him to travel to one of the Twenty-one, and set up Johnson to act as a decoy and sent him to a different planet, where it would be easier for our agents to kill him without undue investigations. With Masters supposedly dead, we hoped that the person or persons unknown who wanted him dead would be satisfied and leave us in peace to continue with our business.’

  It seemed that I knew something that he didn’t; the name of the person or persons unknown. I decided to keep that little morsel to myself.

  ‘We fulfilled our part of the bargain, but it seems that Masters had his own plans. He cleared out all of our funds and skipped from the planet we sent him to, and now we have no idea where he is. And that’s where you come in, Mr. Chandler. You managed to find Johnson, so I have every confidence that you will be successful in finding our erstwhile boss.’

  He smiled and put the gun back inside his coat. I'm pretty sure that was the first time anyone has said 'erstwhile' this century.

  ‘That’s not loaded, is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course not. I don’t want it reporting me to the AI, do I? I use it merely for emphasis; to make my point.’

  There was very little left for me to say. As he walked out of my office, I fired up my computers. There was no time to be wasted if I was going to get Julie back safe and sound to her puzzles and my couch.

  Chapter 31 - Then don't get on the wrong side of a lady

  Jim was still on David when the Squirtport was shut down. There was no warning here; the squirt control systems were destroyed by a tiny pellet of explosive material; its arrival timed to hit in between squirts, so as not to leave anyone half-squirted and their family fully likely to sue.

  He’d spent days trying to track down Masters; and then he’d wasted a few more days trying to track down Chandler. The results for both searches were the same; no sign that they had ever been on this planet and, the more he thought about it, no reason why they should have travelled here in the first place.

  Masters had no Jewish heritage or associates; there was no history of him being interested in Judaism; or any other religion for that matter. There were undoubtedly beautiful and interesting sights to be seen on this distant planet but, really, why would he come here?

  It was becoming clear to him that he’d been sent on a wild goose chase by Julie, and that the rest of the list was almost certainly just as pointless.

  He felt a little disappointed with Julie. It was true that he had deceived her and used her to get information about her brother’s activities, but did that make it right for her to set him up like this?

  He didn’t think so. He was only doing what he had to do to avenge his father’s murder; and that must give him the moral high ground in all of this. What was her motivation for her deception, anyway? Was she somehow implicated along with her brother in Masters’ evil schemes?

  It didn’t look as if he’d have his answers anytime soon, stuck as he was on this planet, full of serious people in uniforms; all trained to kill and looking as if they couldn’t wait to put that training into practice.

  **********

  ‘If you touch me again, I’ll bite your hand off.’ Julie snarled to show that she had the tools to back up her threat.

  ‘I just need to get you out of the van and upstairs.’ He spoke very slowly; either because he was trying to keep calm, or because that was how he thought.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere. You can’t make me.’

  This was turning into the worst day of his life.

  ‘Please. Just let me help you out and I’ll find you somewhere comfortable to rest.’

  ‘No. I’m staying here and if you try and make me, I'll make sure you never please a woman again; if you ever have.’

  ‘You can’t stay in the van. I’ve been told I’ve got get you upstairs to a secure location.’

  ‘I’m not moving an inch. And the police will be here any minute now, so you better run for it.’

  His name was Brunch and he was new to Dart’s gang. They’d been looking for muscle and he had plenty to spare, but there had been no stipulation regarding intellectual prowess, which was just as well.

  ‘Why will the police come?’

  ‘Kidnap is a Federal crime; it wors
e than murder. And all private investigators are fitted with tracers; it’s part of the license process, so they’ll be able to press a button and know exactly where I am. Then you’ll get squirted to Gotcha, or maybe to a penal colony on the most horrible of the planets.’

  Brunch was beginning to look worried. ‘That can’t be right. They won’t do that to me.’

  ‘Yes they will, and it will only be you.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Well, there’s nobody else here, is there?’

  ‘I’m just doing what I’m told.’

  ‘That’s what the Nazi soldiers said.’

  ‘What’s a Nartsy soldier?’

  ‘Forget about it. So, what are you going to do about it? If you run now, you might just get away before they get here.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. Mr. Dart would know if you had this tracer thing; he’s smart; he’d know.’

  ‘Of course he knows, and of course he's smart; that’s why he’s not here. He’s making his escape even as we speak. And leaving you to face the music.’ She smiled and opened her eyes as wide as possible. ‘You’re too nice to go to prison.

  Brunch stared at her for a long moment as the cogs rumbled slowly around his brain. Julie wondered if she’d gone too far with that last statement.

  ‘Nope. I’m going to do what I was told to. I don’t want to get into trouble with Mr. Dart. You’ll have to go upstairs.’

  ‘Just try it, buster.’

  ‘You can’t stay down here all day. What if you want to go to the toilet?’

  Julie looked around the van; she’d been trying not to think about weeing.

  ‘Whose van is this?’

  ‘It’s mine.’

  ‘Then, if I need to go, I’ll pee in the driver’s seat.’

  ‘You can’t do that! That’s nasty!’

  ‘Can’t be helped. If I’ve got go, then I’ve got to go.’

  ‘Please, stop messing me about. I don’t want to get rough.’

  ‘Don’t even think of getting rough with me, sonny.’ Julie rolled to the back of the van and settled herself with her feet facing the doors; ready to kick out.

  Brunch sat down heavily in the doorway, his broad back almost blocking the view. He wanted to be back at his mum’s, eating cherry scones and drinking from his pint mug of tea.

  ‘I’ll tell you what. If you take these cuffs of me, I’ll go with you. How does that sound?’

  ‘How do I know I can trust you?’

  ‘Look at the size of you; I’m tiny. What could I do?’

  Brunch thought about it for a moment. He had to get her upstairs and locked away before Mr. Dart got back, or he’d be in trouble. He didn’t want to hurt her, or get rough; his mother always told him to treat women with respect. He could release her bonds and take her upstairs; then when she was safely out of sight, he could cuff her again. Mr. Dart wouldn’t know any different.

  ‘OK, just you be good, and don’t try nothing.’ He stood up and faced the van, watching her closely.

  Julie slid to the edge of the van bed and dropped her legs over. As Brunch bent to unfasten the cuffs, her eyes flicked around the dimly lit garage.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, as he stepped back, watching her warily. She shook her hands, trying to get the blood flowing again. Then she stopped and grabbed one wrist.

  ‘Where’s my bracelet? You’ve taken my bracelet. It’s all I’ve got left of my mum. I can’t believe you’d take it.’

  ‘I didn’t take anything. Are you sure you were wearing it?’

  ‘I always wear it; I never leave home without it. Now it’s gone.’ Her experience of the last couple of hours, since she’d been dragged from the office, made it easy for her to bring tears to her eyes. She looked up at Brunch with her cheeks wet and begged him.

  ‘You’ve got to find it for me. Whatever else happens today, I can’t lose it. It’s all I’ve got to remember her by. Will you help me find it?’

  Brunch was helpless before her tears.

  ‘It might be in the back of the van. I’ll take a look. I’m sure it’ll be OK.’

  He bent and began to climb into the low ceilinged compartment. When she judged that his position was just right, Julie planted her hands on his meaty buttocks and pushed with all of her might. As he went sprawling across the van, she slung the doors shut. There was no way to lock the door, so she only had seconds to make her escape. She spun and made for the steps she’d spotted earlier. If she could get out of sight before Brunch climbed out of the van, she might just make it. She was on the third step when she heard a bang; then a slam, followed by the sound of a heavy body hitting a hard surface.

  Then she was out in the open; on the corner where two quiet roads met. She looked quickly around; ignoring the large white building she’d just left, she yelped with glee when she spotted the squirtbooth just a few metres away. She ran and dragged the door open, expecting to hear the sound of heavy breathing behind her and a weighty hand on her shoulder at any moment. But luck was on her side and, within a couple of seconds she had squirted to the centre of Manchester. Before she went back to the office to put Phil’s mind at rest, she decided that she had to see a man about a gun.

  Left far behind her, in the echoing space of the garage, Brunch was lying where he’d landed. His great shoulders shook as he sobbed. He didn’t know what he should do next, but he knew that he was in big trouble. His left knee was busted and he wasn’t sure if his right wrist normally looked like that. It certainly hurt more than it usually did.

  After some time, he wiped the tears from his eyes and shook his head. Sitting upright, he jabbed at his wrist-top, wincing at the pain in his wrist.

  ‘Mum, will you come and get me?’ he sobbed. 'I know; it's happened again. Sorry.'

  Satisfied with the usual affirmative response, he slumped against the back of the van and waited for her to fetch him home.

  Chapter 32 - Then customer service Issues

  I didn’t want to go to JD; I didn’t want to go anywhere. But I had to find the real Masters to save Julie and, despite everything, she was my sister.

  So my next step was a trip to the Squirtport. At least this time I could ride my bike, and I wouldn’t have the dark presence of a certain Mr. Strange. You’ll be so proud to hear that I didn’t have a single drink to brace me before I allowed my poor particles to be tricked and squirted across the cosmos, to a place that didn’t even have a proper name.

  I arrived in the concourse of the JD Squirtport and checked myself to be sure that all of my particles had arrived safely and were in the right place. I already had a plan; worked out whilst I rode my bike. That’s the problem with this instantaneous travel; one of the problems. It’s so quick, you don’t get time to think. Now, take my bike as an example. It took me nearly an hour to get to the Squirtport; plenty of time for thinking.

  If Masters wasn’t on JD, and I’d inferred that Dart had already checked that out, then he didn’t squirt directly from JD to his present planet; it just wasn’t possible. He must have double-squirted; bouncing from JD to Earth and then on to another planet. Such a thing must be unusual, and there ought to be a record somewhere. All I had to do was find that record.

  It was as I walked across the concourse to the tiny booking desk that it struck me that I was in the wrong place.

  If he double squirted, he would have arranged it on Earth, before he left. JD doesn’t have the AI to do the maths to work out the coordinates of his second destination. So I’d squirted here for no reason. I double-checked with the disinterested guy behind the desk just to be sure, and I was correct.

  Sometimes it seems that the only time I’m right is when I’m wrong.

  As I walked back across the concourse, it occurred to be that I should have left my bike at home. If I’d walked, I might have had time to work out the obvious flaw in my plan.

  Back on Earth, still annoyed at the unnecessary abuse my particles had been subjected to, I leant against the booking desk and prepa
red to use my best smile to get the info I needed.

  I waited patiently to be noticed by the person behind the counter, who seemed to be staring at a computer display without actually doing anything. I coughed politely to let her know that she had a customer with a cough. At last I got a reaction. She raised her left hand to shoulder height, holding a pen; her eyes never leaving the screen.

  Was I supposed to take the pen and write her a note? Or was she just saying that she was so busy she even had to use a pen?

  ‘Excuse me,’ I tried; I’ve seen it work before. For a moment I was distracted by the sign above her head. ‘Our customer service is second to none.’ It proclaimed, quite without irony.

  ‘Excuse me.’ With a little more volume.

  Her head started to turn towards me, dragging her reluctant eyes with it. But she never quite reached my face; stopping somewhere between my chest and my chin. She lowered the pen and I took this as encouragement to state my case.

  ‘Are you responsible for double-squirts?’ Even as I said the word I saw my error. I should never have used the word ‘responsible.’

  She made no answer, and kept looking at my chest. It’s a fine chest in my opinion, but it hardly warranted such scrutiny.

  ‘Do you book double-squirts here?’

  That got a remarkable reaction from her. She looked me straight in the face and came very close to an actual smile.

  ‘No.’ There was real glee in her voice as she realised that she wouldn’t have to help me.

  ‘Is there anywhere else I can go to ask about them?’

  Persistence is my middle name.

  The pen came into play then; rising slowly until it was just above her head and pointing to the other side of the concourse.

  ‘Thanks very much for your help.’

  I left the paragon of customer service behind me and walked quickly toward the counter against the far wall. As I got closer, I saw a small, narrow man almost bouncing in place.

  ‘Good morning, Sir!’ he called to me before I was within ten metres of his desk. ‘How can I make your day better for you?’

  ‘A little staff training, maybe?’ I muttered to myself.