The Cowboy’s Baby

by Patricia Thayer

  “You did a nice thing for Jody.”

  She shrugged. “It’s important she feel good about herself.”

  He took a swipe across his jaw with the razor. “I’d say you helped her with that tonight.”

  “Kids can be cruel.”

  Trace knew that Kira was talking about herself. Although she never talked much about her life in foster care, he knew it had been a bad time. He’d never gone without in his childhood, not for the basic things anyway. So he couldn’t share that experience with her.

  He paused. “I never want you to feel that way, Kira. Ever again.”

  She swallowed. “Oh, Trace, I don’t. You’ve always made me feel special. You’ve given me a great home and life here.”

  Then why did he feel like he’d let her down?

  Two hours later, the barbecue was finished and the music had started just outside the barn on a portable dance floor that had been set up for the nighttime festivities.

  Several kids were already dancing, including Jody. She looked adorable. For the next hour, the music switched back and forth between country and rock. When the country came on a lot of the parents made their way to the floor, showing up the kids with their two-stepping.

  Cal and some of the ranch hands hung around playing chaperones, making sure the teenagers didn’t go off by themselves. There had been strict rules for tonight’s party, but that didn’t mean some weren’t going to try to break them.

  She glanced around to see Trace talking with some of the fathers. So far he’d kept his distance since their meeting in the bathroom. Her breathing grew labored, recalling his near-naked body. All at once Trace looked her way. Their gazes locked momentarily, then someone called to her.

  “Mrs. McKane.”

  Kira turned around to see Laura Carson hurrying toward her. “Have you seen Jody?”

  “No, I thought she was with you.”

  The girl’s eyes narrowed. “She was until Ben started bugging her. I left them alone because I was hoping they would talk and work things out.” She pointed toward a group of trees. “The last time I saw them, they were over there, talking. Later, I saw Ben back with his friends but I can’t find Jody anywhere.”

  “Did you ask Ben?”

  She nodded. “He said he didn’t know or care where she was.”

  Well, he was going to care. “Don’t panic yet, I’ll go look for her.”

  Kira was worried this would happen. She searched the area and ended up near Ben Kerrigan. She motioned for him to come to her.

  “What’s up, Mrs. M?”

  “I’m concerned about Jody. I can’t seem to find her. Would you know where she is?”

  He shrugged. His gaze refused to meet hers. “Maybe she left.”

  “No, I was going to take her home later. I heard you two talked earlier. Was she upset about something?”

  He glanced around nervously. “Maybe. We broke up a few weeks ago. She wants to get back together. I told her no way.”

  “Is that all you told her?”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “At least tell me what direction she went.”

  “I don’t know, maybe that way.” He pointed past the corral.

  Kira didn’t say anything. She took off, knowing there was an upset girl out there, alone. Panic raced through her. She knew what that felt like.

  Stopping to grab a flashlight from the barn, Kira headed through the empty corral toward the grove of trees. If Jody wasn’t there she’d go back for help, but the last thing the girl needed was an audience for her humiliation.

  She approached the trees and heard something. The soft sound of crying. Kira pointed the light toward the ground and kept walking. On a downed tree log, she found Jody. Her legs were drawn up and her head was on her knees, sobbing.

  “Jody,” Kira whispered as she approached.

  The girl suddenly straightened and looked at her. “Who is it?”

  “It’s me, Kira McKane.” She walked to her. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” She stood and moved away. “Please, just leave me alone.”

  “I can’t, Jody. And you’re not okay. Let me help you.”

  She shook her head. “No! No one can help me. Everybody will hate me when they find out…” She started to walk away.

  “No, Jody, they won’t. I won’t, I promise. I want to help, no matter what it is.” Kira hesitated, trying to choose just the right words. “Let me help you.”

  “Why?”

  “I understand what you’re going through.”

  “No, you don’t. Nobody does. And Ben doesn’t care. He said he never cared about me. And now, he’ll hate me.”

  “That’s not true. He’s just scared. So are you.”

  “What do you know about it?”

  Kira took a breath and released it, catching movement by a tree. She tensed even more when she recognized the familiar silhouette. Trace. He stepped out so she could see his face in the moonlight. Luckily Jody couldn’t.

  “I know what it’s like to feel alone,” She continued to talk. “You think you have nowhere to turn, no one to trust enough to tell them you’re pregnant.”

  She gasped. “How did you find out?”

  This wasn’t how she wanted Trace to learn about her past. Tears filled her eyes, praying he would understand. “Because I’ve been there, Jody. I was fifteen. And pregnant.”

  Trace froze, fighting to draw air into his lungs as he stared at his wife. Kira? Kira had a baby? In five years of marriage, she’d never told him.

  “You’re just saying that,” Jody countered.

  He tried to make out Kira’s face in the moonlight. He heard the pain in her voice as her arms hugged herself.

  “No, Jody, I’m not,” she went on to say as she went to the girl. “And I felt exactly like you do right now. Alone. Like there’s nowhere or no one to turn to. But there is, Jody.”

  The girl began to sob again. “No. My mother can’t handle this. I…I let her down. Oh, what am I going to do?”

  She took the girl’s hands. “Jody, listen to me. You’re not alone. There’s help out there, and a lot of options for you.”

  Jody was quiet for a long time, then asked, “What happened to your baby?”

  There was a long pause. “I gave him up.” Kira’s voice was raw with emotion. “I had no family to help me, and I was too young to keep him.”

  Jody looked up and started to speak—that was when she spotted him in the shadows. “Oh, Mr. McKane.” She stumbled to stand.

  Kira turned around, too. “Trace.”

  “Sorry to interrupt.” He stepped further into the lit area. “I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

  Kira went to him. “We’re fine.”

  “That’s good. Then I’ll leave.”

  “No, we’ll go back with you.” She squeezed Jody’s hand. “We’ll talk more later. We’ll deal with this together, Jody.”

  The girl nodded. “Thank you.”

  This time Kira had no doubt that Trace overheard her admission. Maybe it was better it happened this way. She wouldn’t have to figure out a way to explain why she gave away her son. The guilt she’d felt every day since. And no matter what kind of absolution she got from him, it wouldn’t make up for the loss she’d felt every day for almost fifteen years.

  The night had finally come to an end as Trace watched the last of the graduates and their parents drive off.

  Everyone had been exhausted from the day’s events, but the roundup was completed successfully and the students had a great time at the party, not realizing what had gone on behind the scenes.

  Trace looked at the house. He needed to talk to Kira. With everything going on at the party, there hadn’t been time. He fought the anger building inside him. Though could anyone blame him? She’d kept a secret from him, a big secret.

  He released a breath and walked up the back steps to the house. No matter how it ended up, it was time she told him everything about her past.
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  After sending Jake Peterson’s dad off with the last of the tables and chairs, he walked into the kitchen and found Kira wiping off the counter. There wasn’t much evidence left of the party. She finally turned around and met his gaze. “Oh, Trace. Is everyone gone?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, it’s just you and me. What about Jody?” The last he’d seen of the girl had been after they’d brought her back. She sneaked her upstairs until the party ended.

  “Laura’s parents took her home. I’m going by tomorrow to help her explain things to her mother.”

  Trace nodded, but he was barely holding it together. Why were they discussing mundane things when their marriage was hanging by a thread? And it was weakening quickly with the weight of the secret she’d kept from him. Just another thing she couldn’t share with him

  “Were you ever going to tell me, Kira?” When she started to speak, he raised his hand. “And no more excuses, you owe me the truth. In two days we have another visit from the adoption agency, and a birth mother.”

  She hesitated, then said, “I know you won’t believe me, but I was planning to tell you tomorrow.”

  “Is that what you were talking about with Mrs. Fletcher when I walked in the nursery that day?”

  She nodded. “She was going over my medical records, asking about miscarriages and live births. I didn’t want to lie.”

  That did it for Trace. “But it’s okay to lie to your husband.”

  “I didn’t exactly lie, Trace.”

  “No, you just omitted something very important in your past.”

  “It was a painful past. I never shared that time with anyone. Can’t you understand I wanted to forget, to start over,” she pleaded. “I wanted a life with you.”

  He cursed and looked away.

  Kira felt the familiar rejection shoot through her body, nearly crippling her. But somehow she found the strength not to let it show.

  “Okay, Trace,” she began. “What do you want to know? How I could give up my own baby? How could I let a boy talk me into sex at barely fifteen?” She glared at him. “Don’t you know all foster kids are wild? We’ll do anything.” More tears flooded her eyes, blinding her. “I was no better than trash.”

  “Stop it,” he ordered.

  “Oh, but you want to hear the truth, don’t you? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be an outcast, to have no friends?” She paced along the island counter, glad it was separating them. “It wasn’t so bad in grade school, but by the time I was in high school, kids wanted nothing to do with me. Then Michael came along and gave me a little attention, and I grabbed it. Gullible me, I believed him when he said he loved me.” A laugh escaped as she swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “Oh God, it had been so long since I’d heard those words. Then when I told him I was pregnant, he acted as if he didn’t know me.

  “I was devastated,” she said in a hoarse whisper. “Worse, the father of my baby was my foster family’s nephew. I was packed up so fast and shoved out the door, I didn’t know what was happening.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Girls like me go into a group home. There were several of us who were pregnant. I stayed there until I delivered my baby. My little boy. But I couldn’t keep him.”

  She tried to hold it together, but failed, covering her eyes she began to sob. Then she felt Trace’s arms around her, holding her.

  “I’m sorry, Trace. I know I should have told you. But I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me either.”

  “Shh, Kira. Don’t talk.”

  Trace couldn’t stand to hear any more of her pain. What she had to go through alone. He was hurt by her lack of trust, but he understood why she’d kept the secret.

  Why she desperately wanted another baby.

  Kira lifted her head, pain etched on her face. “It’s better now that it’s out in the open. I was wrong to push you for a baby, Trace. I’m sorry for everything.” She turned and hurried out of the room.

  He was left dazed. She truly thought that he would leave her because of her past. Why not, everyone else had in her life. He wanted to go to her, but knew if he did he had to make the commitment he was staying, if not as her husband, at least as the father to a baby. He knew he wanted to be both he just didn’t know how to make it happen.

  A chill rushed through him at the thought of never having Kira in his life. He wouldn’t have much of a life without her. The past few months had proven that. He made his way through the house, and when he reached the stairs, took them two at a time and nearly ran down the hall to their bedroom. The door was open and he looked inside to find Kira on the bed.

  His chest tightened painfully. “Kira,” he breathed.

  She wiped her eyes and sat up. “Do you need some clothes?”

  “No. I don’t need any clothes. I came to see you.”

  Her blond hair was mussed, her brown eyes were searching for any encouragement from him.

  His eyes watered and his throat tightened. “I wish I could have been there for you.” He thought about the agony she must have gone through trying to fill that void in her life. “I understand why you want a baby so desperately.” She had no family, except for a grandmother who hadn’t wanted her and a child she hadn’t been able to keep.

  A son Kira had never been able to see grow up.

  He came further into the room. Now, he understood so many things. And he loved her more for her strength to survive the cards life had dealt her.

  “So you’re going to leave me, too.”

  He swallowed. “It would be easier to forget to breathe. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve lain awake in that damn bunk, thinking about you? Thinking about the talking, the sharing, and about how we used to turn to each other in the night and how sweet it was to hold you in my arms. How loving you was heaven. How badly I wanted you.”

  Kira sucked in a breath, eager to hear every word, praying she wasn’t dreaming.

  He reached the bed, his gray gaze locked with hers, his voice husky with emotion as he continued, “It’s been hell.”

  Kira’s eyes searched his. “For me, too. I know I turned away from you and that hurt you.”

  He placed his finger against her lips. “No more talking, Kira. Not now.” He leaned forward and brushed a kiss over her mouth. She froze as his lips slowly moved over hers, drawing feelings out that she hadn’t acknowledged in so long.

  She wanted Trace, and she knew he still wanted her. He broke off the kiss and studied her. “I want you, Kira. Don’t push me away, not tonight.”

  “Oh, Trace, I won’t.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, letting him know her desire. It wasn’t long before they had stripped off their clothes.

  Under the covers, Trace pulled her against his body and his hands moved over her. Soon he made her forget everything.

  At least for a little while, everything was perfect between them.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  AT DAWN the next morning, Kira opened her eyes to see the familiar surroundings of the master bedroom. And to the once familiar feel of Trace’s body as she lay pressed against him. She shifted her gaze to his face relaxed in sleep.

  She stared up at the ceiling and recalled every precious moment they’d shared. The few hours they’d stolen together. It had been like their first year of marriage before her obsession for a baby. Before Trace learned of her past. And it didn’t solve anything.

  Her eyes filled. After last night it was going to be harder to stay away from Trace, but she had to. If she wanted to survive giving him up, she had to find a way.

  Trace stirred and instinctively drew Kira tighter against him. She forced herself not to react. She fell back into a doze waking again only when, she felt him move away and get out of bed. Slipping on his jeans, he pulled his T-shirt over his head as he walked out of the room.

  Kira opened her eyes as her husband walked out of the bedroom, relieved that they skipped the-morning-after-talk. He’d probably gone off to do chores. She collapsed back
on the pillow, trying not to think about their perfect night together. No matter how good they’d been together, it still hadn’t changed anything. They had problems. And in the end, she still couldn’t give Trace a biological child.

  Trace stood in the kitchen trying to hold onto his common sense. A perfect night in bed with his wife didn’t mean their marriage was back on track, but it was the closest they’d been in months. And he wanted this to be a new beginning for them. Although words weren’t spoken, he knew she still loved him. He felt the same way.

  He poured some coffee. But he couldn’t help but have hope, hope that they could make it work between them.

  He went to the refrigerator and took out the orange juice. After filling two glasses, he carried them to the table. There were two place settings already set out for their breakfast.

  Kira walked into the room, wearing a floral satin robe. He immediately paused, registering she didn’t have a damn thing on underneath. Great. Had she suddenly run out of clothes? He sucked in a long breath and released it.

  “I thought we could use some coffee and a little sustenance,” he informed her.

  Kira went to the table and picked up a mug. She brushed her blond curls back from her face and took a sip. The fabric clung to every curve of her luscious body.

  “Thank you,” she told him.

  He also savored the hot brew, letting the caffeine kick-start him. Then he watched as she sipped from her mug, her big brown eyes locked on him. He could feel the tension.

  “You want a sweet roll?”

  “Maybe later,” she said. “I think we should talk?”

  He turned a chair around and straddled it. He didn’t have much choice. “Okay, tell me what’s on your mind?”

  Kira joined him, sitting down across from him. “What happened last night wasn’t planned.” She held up her hand. “And I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you.”

  He tensed. “So we just used each other for comfort.”