Love notes

by Exley Avis

  “I love watching you swim,” she said.

  “Any excuse to see me with my clothes off.”

  “It’s your own fault for having such a delicious body.”

  To prove her point, Erika slipped his T-shirt up over his head and spent the next five minutes kissing every inch of his chest. Aiden sighed contentedly and sank back into the pillows.

  “I’m beginning to think you only want me for one thing,” he said, his broad, sexy smile showing he didn’t mind at all.

  “Then you’d be right. If I had my way, I’d hold you here like this for another month until I’d had enough of you.”

  Aiden gave a deep, throaty laugh that rumbled in his chest, making Erika’s lips tingle. “I don’t think the judge would be too pleased.” He lifted her hair clear of his chest so he could watch her lips travel across his skin, the sight exciting him unbearably. “I still can’t believe we’re together,” he said. “When I first left London to find you in Yorkshire, I had no idea I’d soon be waking up next to you every morning.”

  “Thousands of men would kill for the job, so watch your step,” she warned, biting his shoulder and then screaming in delighted surprise when Aiden rolled over on top of her and pulled back the sheet to admire her.

  His lips followed his eyes and fingers, gently kissing and nibbling her newly-tanned skin and spreading butterfly wings of sensation through into every erogenous zone. They moved together instinctively, rediscovering old pleasures and igniting new sensual delights.

  Erika pulled impatiently at Aiden’s shorts and pushed them down over his hips before guiding him inside her, desperate to possess him and bind him to her with waves of pleasure.

  Aiden moved deliberately slowly, made harder by Erika’s breathless responses; loving the way her soft skin slid over his and turned on beyond words by her molten pussy, so eager to receive him.

  When they came, they caught their breath in unison, their gasps of pleasure in perfect harmony as they lost themselves in a longing that would surely take a lifetime to satisfy.

  “I love making love to you,” Aiden eventually whispered into her hair, inhaling her sleepy, sexy warmth. “I’ll go crazy without you when I’m back in London next week.”

  “I wish you weren’t going. I can’t face Marty in court without you.”

  “You’ll be fine. I promise.” He said it with such confidence Erika almost believed him. “You’ll have Catherine and her team. And Ben, of course. For his sake alone, you’re better off with me out of the picture.”

  Erika knew he was right. If Marty knew Aiden had been instrumental in his downfall he’d go for the jugular, not caring who was injured in the fall-out.

  None of them could afford to take that risk. Ben and Richard least of all.

  Aiden pulled away slightly to fully appreciate Erika’s beautiful body; from her dark, silken hair to her red-painted toenails. Days spent lying beside the pool and walking in the Californian sunshine had turned her skin a deep golden colour except for the tantalising white marks where her tiny bikini had rested, giving her a glow of health and energy.

  “I love your new shape,” he said against her skin for the hundredth time that week. “Curves are so much more sexy. More womanly. And there’s more of you to enjoy.” His tongue followed a white strap mark down to her nipple. “I hope you know how much I love you, Erika Fenn.”

  Erika sighed and pulled his lips down onto her breast a second time, wondering whether anyone would miss them if they spent the whole day in bed together.

  Again.

  “I think I’m getting the picture,” she gasped as his tongue drew circles on her skin, “but don’t let me stop you explaining it.”

  His staccato breath tickled her breast when he laughed. “When this is all over, and we can get on with our lives, I never want us to spend a minute apart.” He looked up at her and gave her his slow, sexy, persuasive smile that ensured he always got his own way with her. “I think we should get married.”

  “Married?” Erika reacted as if she’d been stung and sprang away from him, the sudden loss of his body heat making her shiver. “You’re not serious.”

  This wasn’t quite the reaction Aiden had expected and he frowned. “Why not? I thought it’s what you’d want.”

  “Well it’s not!” Erika leapt out of bed and pulled on Aiden’s T-shirt, crossing her arms defensively. “It’s not what I want at all.”

  “What do you mean?” Reeling as if he’d been struck hard around the head, Aiden struggled to understand what was going on. “Where the hell else did you think this was leading?”

  “I don’t know. But not there.”

  “Are you for real?” Feeling at a disadvantage, Aiden put on his shorts and stood up. “Did you think I’d just lend a hand with the court case, fuck you a few times and then conveniently disappear into the sunset?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then what’s got into you? You’ve lain in my arms, told me you love me and that you can’t live without me. Why is it such a shock for me to mention marriage?”

  “Because…because it’s too soon. How can I start planning my future when my entire present hangs in the balance?”

  Aiden smiled in relief and took a step toward her. “I’m not suggesting we get married tomorrow. I’m talking about in a few month’s time. When you’re back in England.”

  “Who says I’m going back to England?”

  “Well…I just assumed.”

  Erika snapped. “So don’t assume. I hate the way you pretend to know what I want all the time.”

  She was acting irrationally, and being totally unfair to Aiden, but Erika was suddenly very tired of people second guessing her.

  “For the last five years, someone else has been telling me what to think, do, say, wear, eat, sing – you name it. Marty’s controlled where I go, who I see, how I work, where I live, what I look like and even what time I go to bed at night,” she went on, losing it at full speed and full volume. “Now it’s you, Ben, Catherine, the press and the media consultants ordering me around. What about me making a decision for once?”

  Aiden recoiled. “What’s got into you? All I’ve said is that I want you to be my wife. Why does that make you so angry?” He stared at her, trying to figure her out. “We’re great together. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You can’t deny that what we have is incredible.”

  “That doesn’t mean I want to marry you! Five years ago, you weren’t exactly keen to commit. How do I know monogamy will suit you now?”

  “That’s not fair and you know it.” His lips tightened in rage. “That was a different time. I was a different person.”

  “And maybe I’ll be different again six months down the line.”

  Aiden did a double-take. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Erika plunged in without thinking through the consequences. “I’ve spent five years living as Erika Fenn; a fantasy Marty dreamed up to sell records. I have no idea who I am underneath. How can I jump straight from that into being your wife?”

  “You make it sound like some kind of imprisonment.”

  “Maybe it would be. For all I know, you’ll have me pregnant inside a year and chained to the kitchen sink.”

  It was a ludicrous suggestion but Erika had gone beyond reasonable. Aiden reacted as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Shutters came down across his expression and his whole body tensed.

  “I had no idea you felt that way. I assumed…”

  “There you go again!” Erika raged. “Don’t assume! You have no right to do my thinking for me.”

  Their eyes locked across the bed – Aiden’s furious and Erika’s defiant – both of them scrambling to find some common ground and yet staring into the unexpected gulf that had opened up between them.

  Erika suddenly wanted to back track; to return to the beginning of the conversation and explain herself properly. Instead, of confiding her fears, she’d blurted out some half-formed ideas and hurt Aide
n in the deepest way imaginable. After everything he’d done for her, he deserved better and she took a step toward him, an apology ready on her lips.

  “Don’t.” Aiden held up his hand, keeping her at bay. “Don’t say a word. You’ve made yourself very plain.” His frigid tone sucked the heat out of the morning. “I apologise. I hadn’t meant to take unfair advantage of your vulnerability.”

  “Please Aiden.” She crossed the room in a second and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her. “It came out all wrong. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

  “Oh, I think you said exactly what you intended to say. They weren’t throwaway comments. You’ve obviously felt this way for a long time. I just wished you’d told me sooner.”

  Realising he could turn and walk away from her at any second, Erika threw her feelings at Aiden’s feet at the risk of having them trampled on. “I love you Aiden. More than you can possibly know. I loved you five years ago and it didn’t take me long to realise that I’ve probably never stopped loving you.”

  “So why can’t we be together?”

  His voice softened and his cold expression lifted just enough for Erika to see the uncertainty in his eyes. She wanted to kiss it away, to reassure him there had never been anyone else but him – that there never would be – but now she’d begun the conversation she couldn’t turn away and pretend it had never started.

  She owed Aiden as much of the truth as she understood herself. The rest would be left hanging in the air for time to peck at.

  Leading him over to the bed, she sat him down, her fingers entwined with his, their bodies barely touching and yet the connection profound.

  “You remember when we first got together?” she began. “I couldn’t tell you I loved you straight away because I didn’t want to say something I wasn’t absolutely sure of.” She paused while he nodded tentatively. “But a few days apart let my head clear. I soon knew without doubt that you’re the love of my life.”

  “And you’re mine.” Relief passed across Aiden’s handsome features and he grasped her shoulders, pulling her toward him slightly. “That’s why I want you to marry me. Come back to England with me and let me take care of you.”

  “I can’t.” It would have been so much easier if she could, but life had never been that simple. “I don’t want to rush into anything. I need more time. Time alone.”

  “How long? A week? A month?”

  “I don’t know. However long it takes.”

  “However long what takes?” Aiden’s lack of understanding made him angry again and he thrashed around trying to assimilate what Erika had just told him. “We love one another. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Why would you want to be alone?”

  “Because it’s the only way I can work out who I am.”

  “You’re Erika Fenn. The woman I love. How much more of an identity do you need?”

  “My own.” Seeing he still didn’t understand, Erika explained as much as she understood herself. “I’ve spent five years being what everyone else wanted me to be – the press, the music industry, Marty, the record producers, the fans. I’m a product, not a person. I’ve been sold to the highest bidder, and I’d be selling myself short if I didn’t give myself time to stand back once the case is over and take stock.”

  “You can do that when we’re together.”

  “No, I can’t. I love you and I want to make you happy so I’d end up being the person you wanted me to be – wife, lover, companion…mother of your children.”

  “But not yourself,” Aiden finished for her, watching her shake her head and the trail of tears fall from her eyes. He swallowed hard as the inevitable settled upon him. “There’s something else, isn’t there?” he guessed.

  Erika took a deep breath and forced herself to go on, knowing she’d never get a second hearing from Aiden. She leaned forward and kissed him gently, her lips barely touching his and yet the sensation was intense.

  “You love me more than I deserve to be loved. I don’t doubt that. But I need to be certain I’m coming back to you for all the right reasons. Not out of gratitude, or because I’m too afraid to face the future alone. I don’t want to wake up next to you in six months time and realise I’ve made the wrong choice. I couldn’t do that to you. I love you far too much.”

  Aiden became desperate, willing to try anything to prevent the worse thing imaginable happening. “Then we’ll have separate apartments and only see each other occasionally. It’ll give you time and space to make up your mind. We don’t need to rush into anything.”

  “No.” After so many years bending to Marty’s will, Erika was finally uncovering the resolve to follow her own instincts and she remained unbending. “I lost you once five years ago for all the wrong reasons but I’m saying goodbye now for all the right ones. If I come back to you, I want it to be for ever.”

  This was goodbye, no matter how gently she phrased it, and she felt the scar tissue in her heart puckering. From the desolation on Aiden’s face, he felt it too.

  “So what are you going to do?” he asked, guessing she’d already have the answer.

  “Once the case is over, I’ll stay on in California with Ben.”

  “For how long?”

  “Indefinitely.”

  “It’ll help convince everyone that Ben and I are engaged and also give me time to lick my wounds, write music and just…be me. Away from the prying eyes of the press. Out from under Marty’s control. Free from touring and performing.”

  “And free from me,” Aiden added forlornly, studying her face to see how she’d react.

  When she lay her hand across his cheek he couldn’t help himself and turned to kiss her palm, holding it tightly against his lips.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be free from you,” she said, smiling sadly, her eyes deep with love.

  “Then I don’t see the sense in it.”

  “Nor do I yet. But I need you to do it for me so I can find out.”

  “Would I be able to call or visit?” He already knew the answer.

  “No. Clean break. The sooner I work out who I am, the sooner I’ll know what I want.”

  “I can tell you what I want right now.” He didn’t elaborate, however, doubting it would make any difference. “Do you expect me to wait for you?” he asked instead. “Give me a time limit and I’ll do it. A year if you want.”

  “Maybe a year. Maybe longer.”

  “You can’t expect me to put my life permanently on hold.”

  Even an unquantifiable love had its limits apparently.

  Erika shook her head. “I don’t expect a virile, physical man like you to be celibate. I want you to live as if I’d never existed. Sleep with other women. Get rid of my pictures. Delete my music. Don’t wonder what I’m doing every minute.”

  “Isn’t that asking for trouble?”

  “It’s a risk I’m prepared to take. You might meet the real love of your life tomorrow and, if you do, we were obviously never meant to be.”

  It was Aiden’s turn to shake his head. “You’re the only woman I’ll ever want, Erika Fenn and, if the only way to prove it is to say goodbye now, then I’ll do it. Even though it goes against everything I believe and understand.”

  Knowing she wouldn’t resist, he pulled her into his arms, absorbing her into every pore, and memorising the shape and smell of her. Erika folded herself into him, allowing him to imprint her on his heart and guessing he’d carry the scar for a very long time.

  For herself, she was already scarred and too damaged to be able to separate out her thoughts. When she was with Aiden, he consumed her, filling every sense and driving out all of her uncertainties.

  Now she needed to let those uncertainties rise to the surface so she could deal with them once and for all. No matter which way her case against Marty went, and even if she were left barefoot and bankrupt, she needed to face those challenges alone, assuring herself that she was strong enough to make the right choices about her future.

&n
bsp; As Aiden released her, the first few of these uncertainties bubbled up. What if he forgot her or found someone new to replace her? What if he realised that Yorkshire had been a false dawn, driven by sentimentality and physical attraction? What if letting him go was the worst mistake she’d ever made and it was about to backfire on her spectacularly.

  “Never forget I love you and I’ll be waiting for you,” he whispered, looking into her soul with his pale tiger’s eyes and making sure she committed every word to heart.

  “I can’t ask you to do that,” Erika protested. “It’s too much.”

  “Then don’t make me wait too long.”

  Erika knew it was a promise she couldn’t afford to make and watched as realisation, coupled with disappointment, took hold of Aiden. She swore later that she’d seen his heart begin to solidify and a knot woven from loss and grief tighten around his throat, robbing him of speech.

  Without arguing any more, Aiden began emptying his wardrobe into a suitcase, working so calmly and with such finality that Erika couldn’t bear to watch and went out into the garden. When he’d finished packing he found her, but the goodbyes remained trapped somewhere inside his chest, never to be spoken.

  They parted in silence, standing apart like strangers, until Aiden finally found the courage to turn away.

  Erika remained in the shade of the large beech tree from where she had a view down to the main gate and could watch Aiden’s cab negotiate the final few yards out onto the road. The sound of the engine accelerating away reached her with a few seconds delay, its muted vibrations enough to send the first of the tears cascading down her cheeks. Unable to trust her legs to carry her back to the house, she sank down on the grass and rested her back against the tree trunk, the tears coming in a flood she was afraid would never stop.

  She hugged her knees against her chest to prevent her damaged heart breaking out between her ribs and allowed her grief to consume her. All the while telling herself that every tear made her stronger and reinforced her spirit, making it able to face whatever the future threw at her.

  Even if, at that moment, it felt like she’d just thrown her future away.