Gravitate

by Jo Duchemin

  I wandered around the downstairs, checking the doors were locked. I knew I’d checked them before I’d left the house, but it gave me something to do. In my old days of going out, before my parents had died, I would have come home and put the TV on, then made tea and toast, usually waking up my poor dad in the process. That carefree girl was now a lifetime away. Tonight had proved to me that I wouldn’t be her ever again.

  Wearily, I climbed the stairs. I’d realised that the best ending to the night that I could hope for would be a dreamless sleep. I had nothing to look forward to. Tears had started spilling down my face the moment I’d closed the front door and I could feel my mascara being washed down my cheeks. I’d been strong for as much of the day as I could manage. Trying to pretend that I didn’t miss Marty didn’t work, every beat of my heart felt like a cry to him.

  I sent a brief message to Jade to let her know I was home safely. I brushed my teeth, took off the remnants of my make up, and got ready for bed. In the stillness of my bedroom, the pain of missing Marty was unavoidable. There were no distractions to numb me from the constant ache of my heart. I stood there quietly, eyes closed, remembering how it felt to have his arms around me, how loved he’d made me feel. I knew it would cause him pain to see me reminisce, but I couldn’t resist indulging in my memory – it briefly made me happy. I imagined what would have happened if it had been Marty, and not Sam, who had arrived at the nightclub. I pictured dancing with Marty, our bodies undulating with every beat, the feel of his lips kissing my neck, his hands on my waist. My mind created an image so real, so beautiful, I could almost touch it. I kept my eyes closed and stayed in the vision my brain had produced for me, gleaning every particle of happiness it could offer me. I knew once I opened my eyes the magic would be gone. The temporary world in my head was only a short respite from the loneliness.

  All too soon, it was time to open my eyes. I was alone in my bedroom. I hoped Marty hadn’t seen me retreat into the secret world in my head, it made me hurt to hurt him. I closed my eyes and spoke aloud, hoping he would hear the words I wanted to say to him.

  “Marty, I miss you so much…I can’t believe you’ve been gone for less than a week…I am trying to move on, I really am…I just don’t know how to move on…or maybe I don’t want to…I don’t see how anything here can compare to what we had…I never wanted to cause you any pain…Do you miss me, too?” I paused, too choked up to continue my soliloquy. I felt something brush against my nose; soft, the briefest touch. My eyes flew open and I saw a tiny white feather drifting to the floor in front of me. I started laughing through my tears. I picked the feather up and held it in the palm of my hand as though it was the most precious object in the world – which to me, right now, it was.

  I closed my eyes, my fingers gently tracing the delicate strands of the feather. “I guess this means that you are missing me…I feel so much better, just for this little contact with you…Olivia said I should try to carry on as though you never existed, that you were getting into trouble with the others for the pain I felt…I don’t want them to blame you, so I am trying, for you…That’s the only reason to carry on, to save you…I hope you don’t get into trouble for this…I love you.” I felt a soft flutter on my lips and my eyes flashed open to see another white feather, spinning gracefully in front of me. I gently captured it in my palm with the other feather. I whispered: “Thank you, Marty,” and headed to the bed, clutching my precious feathers in my hand and drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 23

  I could feel one of his arms wrapped around me, his chest pressed up against my back, and his lips gently caressing my hair as he whispered to me. I couldn’t understand the words, but I just relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of his body being close to mine, the rhythmic movement of his breathing, the beat of his heart pulsing. I could tell his head was propped up on his other arm and he was watching me sleep. I wondered if he knew that I was already waking up, caught in the limbo that exists somewhere between sleeping and waking, when the mind isn’t completely sure of whether it is still dreaming or seeing reality. I turned around to face him, eyes not open yet. Suddenly, I felt a lurch in my stomach – the kind of feeling you get in a lift when it drops faster than you were expecting – and as I opened my eyes, I knew he was gone. I’d just been dreaming. Possibly the best dream I’d ever had, but a dream nonetheless. The two white feathers were still in my hand. At least that part had been real.

  My head felt decidedly clear for the amount of alcohol I’d consumed the previous evening, but I debated staying in bed and trying to find my way back into the dream I’d been enjoying. I remembered that Marty’s survival depended on my ability to live my life with some semblance of normality. Reluctantly, I left the warmth and memories of my bed and wandered downstairs to the kitchen.

  I had my last rehearsal before Christmas later in the day and then I faced a few days with nothing to occupy me until I left for Aunt Sandra’s house. My mobile phone beeped to alert me to a message from Jade as I waited for the kettle to boil:

  I’m hanging! Being sick and mum left for work, so I’m gonna get Tim to drive me over later to get my stuff.

  I smiled, partly because I felt Jade deserved to have a hangover and partly because I remembered the huge crush I’d had on her big brother Tim a few years ago. He was three years older than us and seemed so mature compared to the boys at our school. I, along with most of our friends, had been heartbroken when Tim left our town to go to university three years ago – and then our collective hearts had broken a second time when he got a girlfriend. It felt so juvenile to me now – I could see how insignificant my feelings had been for him.

  I made myself a cup of tea and decided to watch some TV for a while – that was what normal people did on a Saturday morning, I decided. My eyes felt like they were glazing over as I watched a cookery show, taking nothing of it in, knowing I would never recreate the elaborate meal that the chef was demonstrating. It did, however, remind me that I hadn’t been eating properly and I forced myself to get a bowl of cereal.

  I was lounging in the living room, still in the vest and shorts I wore as pyjamas, when the doorbell rang. I put my dressing gown on, thinking Jade was much earlier than I thought she’d be and went to the front door. I opened the door without bothering to check to see who it was.

  “Tim! Hi,” I said in shock, wrapping my dressing gown tighter around me, aware of the impact of the cold air upon my chest, “where’s Jade?”

  Tim’s eyes had already taken in my attire and he smiled, “Hi Claudia, you’ve grown up since the last time I saw you. Jade is still chucking up, she sent me to get her stuff.” His appearance had changed slightly since the last time I’d seen him, his dark hair was shorter than I remembered and his face, whilst not fat, had filled out from how I remembered him. I could see why I’d thought he was good-looking, he had a relaxed charm and an easy-going nature. Compared to the boys I went to school with, he’d outshone them easily – it was only when compared to Marty that Tim couldn’t compete. Nobody could.

  “Come on in, I wasn’t expecting anyone to arrive for a while.” I felt self-conscious, not used to being around a man with so little clothing on. I had a momentary panic about the costumes for the show I was in, which would be far more revealing than my vest and shorts.

  “Clearly,” he said with a chuckle, “how have you been Claudia?”

  “I’m doing my best. Anyway, I didn’t say congratulations, Jade told me about your graduation. It must be great to be done with university.” I didn’t want his pity and I hoped I could steer the conversation away from how I was doing.

  “Yeah, it’s nice to be done with studying, although working full time isn’t much fun either. Being a grown up sucks, really.”

  “I know. Do you ever wish you could go back in time?”

  “Sometimes. Although, I have to say, the past three years have been much tougher on you than they have on me.”

>   “Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say to him.

  “You’re looking good though – you got prettier in the last three years,” Tim smiled and I appreciated him changing the subject.

  “Well, the last time I saw you I was fifteen, painted my fingernails black and wore Doc Marten Boots with fishnet tights, I think my style could only get better.”

  “You pulled it off pretty well. Anyway, do you remember my hair? Gelled up to within an inch of its life! No wonder you girls used to call me ‘the gelmaster’ behind my back,” Tim chuckled at the nickname his sister had instigated.

  “You knew about that?”

  “Oh, yes, Jade told me about it during an argument. I thought it was quite funny, though. So, how come my sister is puking up all the colours of the rainbow and you look perfectly fine?”

  “You didn’t see how much she drank!” I tried to force some laughter and it sounded more genuine than I’d expected – perhaps I was getting better at faking normal life.

  “So where’s her stuff?” He looked around, as though he was expecting to see a bag belonging to his sister.

  “Oh, it’s strewn all over the house – your sister’s belongings seem to explode when she arrives somewhere. I’ll start collecting it up.”

  “I’ll help you.”

  We walked into the living room and found Jade’s nail varnish and hair straighteners on the coffee table. I got a carrier bag and Tim put Jade’s belongings into it. We moved on to the kitchen and located Jade’s power supply for her mobile phone.

  “I think the rest of her stuff is in my room. This would be so much easier if she was here to help.” I sighed, feeling slightly nervous about being alone in my house with Tim.

  “Trust me, she’s in no fit state to help. Lead on.”

  I walked up the stairs first, feeling awkward when I realised that by walking two steps ahead of him, his eye line was at the same level as my bottom. I didn’t know how to change the situation – if I slowed down we’d bump into each other, but if I sped up he would try to keep pace.

  When we walked into my bedroom I felt increasingly nervous. I hadn’t been alone in my room with any man but Marty. The white feathers were still on my pillow and I was suddenly aware that this must be awful for Marty to see, if he were watching. I tried to scoop up as many of Jade’s abandoned belongings as quickly as possible to get this ordeal over with.

  “How come you don’t have your Christmas tree up yet?” Tim’s question caught me off guard.

  “What?”

  “It’s nearly Christmas. You have no decorations up yet.” He was riffling through the makeup on my dressing table, holding up assorted paraphernalia, as I nodded or shook my head to let him know if it was mine or Jade’s.

  “Oh. I hadn’t got around to that yet.” I met his eyes briefly and he raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Really?”

  “I haven’t thought about it, in all honesty. Since Mum and Dad died, all that stuff which I used to find important doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I’d only keep comparing this year to how it used to be.” I couldn’t look at Tim anymore and busied myself by folding Jade’s sweater with unnecessary precision. “My dad used to always take me with him to pick the right tree – he’d get a real one, even though he hated the needles dropping everywhere, because Mum loved the smell of a real tree. Then Mum and I would put the decorations on, while listening to Christmas songs.”

  “Did you want a tree this year?” He’d stopped sorting out the makeup and was staring at me.

  “I would – but I don’t drive and I can’t carry one home. Besides, I’m going to visit my aunt in a few days, so I suppose it isn’t worth it.” I placed the sweater on the bed and walked over to the window, looking at the view but not really seeing it. Tim was quiet for a few moments and I felt bad that the conversation had clearly made him uncomfortable. I jumped when he spoke next, unaware that he was standing behind me.

  “If you want a tree, I’ll take you to buy one.” He clumsily placed his hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t speak, but nodded. “Do you want to go now?”

  I glanced down at my short pyjamas and dressing gown and managed a sad giggle.

  “I can wait while you have a shower, if you want?”

  I cleared my throat, pleased with myself for not crying, even though it had been a close run thing. I turned around to face him, the close proximity of our bodies feeling odd to me, forcing me to take a step back. “I have a rehearsal at the uni in an hour.”

  “After that? I’m not working today and I’d really like to help.” Tim smiled and also took a small step back from me, then returned to collecting his sister’s belongings.

  I considered his offer. I decided I would like to get a Christmas tree – my parents would have wanted me to.

  “That would be great, if you really don’t mind.”

  “Just tell me where and when to pick you up.”

  In my mind, I imagined how over the moon I would have been, three years ago, for Tim to offer to take me anywhere. How simple things had been then.

  “I finish at 3pm; do you know where the theatre is at the university?”

  “I’m sure I’ll find it. I’ll be waiting for you.”

  I showed Tim out of the house and got myself ready for my rehearsal. I was eager to arrive on time, wanting to know how Ben and Sofia’s date had gone the night before. My eyes scanned the seats of the theatre, searching for them, but I couldn’t see them anywhere. I changed into my dance shoes, glancing at the door, anticipating their arrival. Just as Donna was beginning the rehearsal, they burst through the door, looking flushed and happy, hand in hand. Clearly, the date had gone very well indeed.

  I didn’t get a chance to speak to them, as I was required on stage for most of the rehearsal, but when I did get a chance to watch them, I was overjoyed at what I saw. They were clearly falling in love. Maybe I was even better than Marty at this matchmaking business.

  Donna was finding less and less to pick fault in during the rehearsal. The show was beginning to take shape and the cast were starting to feel more like a team. After the break for Christmas, we would only have a few weeks before the performances – Donna reminded us all of the importance of running our lines regularly over the holiday and marking out the choreography so that we wouldn’t forget everything. At least the emptiness of my days would give me plenty of opportunity to keep my role fresh.

  As soon as Donna released us, I ran over to Sofia and Ben to hear the gossip. Sofia’s face lit up as I got to her.

  “Claudia! You were amazing in rehearsal today.”

  “Thanks, but enough about me, how was your date last night?”

  Sofia beamed at me, “It was good, really good.” Her cheeks flushed red.

  “I thought it might be,” I replied, “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got a friend coming to pick me up.”

  “Before you go, Claudia,” Ben spoke quickly, knowing I needed to get going, “we were wondering if you had any plans for New Year’s Eve? We’re thinking of having a party.”

  I hadn’t given a thought about my plans for saying goodbye to this year. I suspected company was the last thing I would need, but I couldn’t think of a good reason to turn them down and it was so thoughtful of them to invite me. “That sounds great, look, I have to go, but let me know the details.”

  “We’ll walk you out, you know, I’ll miss you over the Christmas break.” Sofia smiled as she slipped her hand into Ben’s.

  As we left the theatre, I saw Tim waiting for me, much in the same way Marty used to wait for me. My stomach didn’t do any flip-flops this time. My feet didn’t long to run to him. My heart didn’t race. I felt indifferent. I forced myself to smile and wave at him, to remember he was being kind and that I needed all the friends I could get at the moment.

  “I didn’t realise your friend was male.”
Sofia’s eyes widened as she turned to look at me.

  “Tim is my friend Jade’s older brother, he’s helping me buy a Christmas tree.” I didn’t want Sofia’s imagination to run away with her.

  “He’s cute,” she commented.

  “Hey!” Ben joked, but it was clear she only had eyes for him.

  “So are you,” Sofia gave Ben a peck on the cheek, “but he’d suit Claudia, don’t you agree?”

  Before Ben could comment, I quickly said goodbye to them and walked over to Tim. I could feel Sofia watching, wondering if she was witnessing the blossoming of a new romance. I hated to disappoint her. Perhaps one day, I’d like someone enough to let them into my heart, but I doubted it would happen any time soon.

  “Hi, Tim, thanks for this.” I felt shy, knowing Sofia was observing, even if her intentions were honourable.

  Tim smiled and led the way to his car. “It’s no problem really, I want to help.”

  “How’s Jade doing?”

  “Ha! She’s stopped being sick, but she’s moping around the house, saying she’s never drinking again. Oh, and the guy from last night hasn’t rung her yet, so she’s very short tempered. You gave me the perfect excuse to get out of her way!” He chuckled, as he unlocked the car and we opened the doors. It wasn’t a new car, like Ben’s fancy motor, but it was clean and comfy, with a warming pine scent. I didn’t feel safe in this car, but I put this down to my general nervousness at travelling since my parents’ accident.

  “She didn’t want to come out this afternoon, then?”

  “No, but she did ask me to tell you the following message,” he made speech mark signs with his fingers in the air, “you dirty girl, what happened to the silver fox you left with last night?” Tim raised his eyebrows, waiting for a response. My hands instinctively covered my face as I tried to hide my embarrassment. “I must confess, Claudia,” Tim continued, “I am intrigued…”

  I interjected rapidly, the words tumbling out of my mouth through mortification, “I am going to kill your sister, it wasn’t how she made it sound, I shared a taxi with my friend’s dad, nothing happened…”