I'm with You

by Maynard, Glenna

  I feel a firm hand on my back. “I had a feeling you’d be here. Your Gram called me and said you canceled dinner on her yesterday, she is worried about you. I know this day is hard for you. How long have you been off of your medication?” Of course Gram called Dr. Peters; I sigh and get up from the dirt and grass. I brush the grass from my dampened knees but it is of no use.

  “I take it daily.” I lie to him through gritted teeth.

  “Bella you don’t fool me. How long have you been hearing Harlan speaking to you?” When I don’t answer he continues speaking. “I don’t want to take you in, I know classes start soon. I want to see you succeed, but you have to take your medication Bella. It isn’t negotiable. Have you been having the hallucinations again?”

  There isn’t much point in lying to him. He will just keep pressing and pushing me until he hears what he wants fly from my lips — the truth.

  “Alright you caught me, I have been off my meds for two months, and I feel fine.” I throw my hands up in defeat. “I’m not crazy Doc, I just miss him. Is it so wrong that I want to hear his voice so much that it hurts? There is an ache in my chest for him. It is like a tumor growing stronger and wider. It spreads through my veins like poison. Is that descriptive enough for you? There — do I feel enough for you, go write that down in your notebook for your file on me.”

  I jab him in the chest with my finger. “Do you know how much it hurts — to ache so deep that the darkness consumes you and fills you with a black poison — poison that has embedded itself so far into my heart that I have to bleed it out, to make it stop. Some days I want to pray to God to make the pain stop, to take me from this hell on earth that is my life. But I gave up on him answering my prayers long ago. Besides I deserve to ache, to suffer, to wallow in my misery.”

  “That’s the most honest you have been since you started coming to see me. I think you are making progress, but I want you to promise me that you will go home and take your medication. Do not make me regret not taking you in. As your care provider it is my responsibility to look after you.”

  “I get it Doc don’t worry. I promise — I will take my meds.”

  “You better; this is your one get out of jail free card.”

  I decide to go see my Gram after talking with my doctor my guilt kicks in. I don’t want her worrying herself about me and losing sleep. I take the long way there and enjoy the fresh air.

  I look at my Gram; I mean really look at her for the first time in what seems like years. She was nearly sixty years old when she took custody of me but her hair was dark then. Now she wears her hair a blue/silver shade. Her face carries more wrinkles, she calls them wisdom lines. She looks tired, and I feel like I have worn her down. I mean I know that she is old, but I feel like I am to blame for her extra wisdom lines.

  She appears so relieved to see me. I know I shouldn’t cause her to worry so much, but I can’t help it. It is hard to care about the feelings of others when you don’t care about much of anything.

  **

  I awake to a loud pounding on my apartment door the next morning. I rub the sleep from my eyes and let out a yawn. I steal a glance at the clock, it is nearly noon. This is another reason I hate the medication I am supposed to be on, it fucks with me and makes me sleep like the dead. And it happens to make me feel like shit on dry toast.

  “Alright I am coming, hold your horses.” I yell to whomever is about to get it for beating my door down.

  I unlock the deadbolt and swing the door open to find Cutter waiting on the other side.

  “Hi my name is Cutter — I recently moved into the building and wanted to introduce myself. I live a few doors down from you.” I can’t help but laugh at the serious look he has on his handsome face.

  “You are lucky you just made me giggle, you were about to get a dose of my inner bitch unleashed.” I have to admit I am both surprised he came back and happy to see him.

  “Sounds — kinky.” He smirks shoving his way past me with coffee in his hands.

  “Come on in, please be my guest,” I kick the door shut. “Well you get bonus points for the coffee; this is a beautiful start to our friendship.”

  “Ah so we have graduated to friends, next comes intimate buddies.”

  “Lame, really — intimate buddies. You really pulled out the big guns for that one.”

  He chuckles and blows over his coffee before taking a drink. “Get ready we have to get started on your list.”

  “The list — right. I haven’t written it yet.” I bat my lashes innocently at him and have a drink of my coffee.

  “This is delicious what is it?” I have never had a coffee this good before, it must be laced with his ‘vampire like lust oozing pheromones.’ I had better not drink it, but it is too good to stop. I am not addicted to his coffee after three sips, I am not an addict, and I can stop anytime I want. Okay who am I kidding, this is some good shit.

  “It’s pumpkin spice, with a hint of vanilla and my special ingredient. It’s my special brew.” He gives me a cat that swallowed the goldfish grin.

  Special ingredient my ass, I knew it — he laced it with something, so he can get me addicted to some kind of drug so he can get me to do whatever he wishes so I can get my fix once he has me hooked. My own personal crack —coffee dealer.

  “Awe is this your way of saying you think I am special.”

  Cutter chokes on his coffee, and sputters out “lick the windows special.”

  “I am wounded,” I clutch my chest in a dramatic fashion.

  I excuse myself to the bathroom. I brace my hands on the white Formica sink. I exhale a deep breath. Flirting with Cutter is too easy. Why do I feel like I have always known him? A lump forms in my throat. I take my medication from the cabinet and get two pills out. I toss them down my throat and cup water in my hand to wash them down with. I scrub my face, I feel like hell. Like I am hung-over. It will take sometime to adjust to the medication again.

  I brush my teeth and run a brush through my hair. I secure my hair with a head band and spray some hair-spray over my head for extra hold. I apply my favorite banana scented lip gloss. I let out a whoosh and prepare myself to write out my bucket list. I laugh to myself and picture Cutter and me checking off my list like it is a school science project and he is my ultra sexy lab partner. I put some deodorant on and change into my cutoffs and my black and white stripped tank top.

  I peek down the hall at Cutter and he is sitting patiently on my sofa. He looks nice today, dressed in a plain black t-shirt and holey jeans with the knees ripped out. The top of his hair is long enough to be slightly spiked in a messy just rolled out of bed, but damn sexy way like he spent the night rocking someone’s world. Looking down at his feet a smile spreads across my face, he is wearing riding boots.

  “You have a bike?” I ask curiously as I take a bite from my banana nut bread, if I don’t eat something my medication will destroy my stomach.

  “Oh yeah,” he runs his fingers though his hair nonchalantly. “Why do you ask?”

  “Your boots, I want you to take me for a ride. Can I drive it?”

  He gives me an all knowing sly grin. “Your wish is my command, but be careful what you wish for. My one desire is to make your dreams come true. Except for driving, at least not today — I like my bike and well I have seen you on your bicycle, and well to be honest you sense of direction scares me.”

  “Wow does that make all the girls panties drop?” I notice he is taking in my appearance and appreciating what he sees. It gives me a little more bounce in my step. He makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman.

  “No usually the bike does all of the work for me.” He continues to sip his coffee oblivious to the effect he has on me, he has a smile that stuns you.

  “Oh confident are you?” I tease him, again I am flirting.

  “Yep I had my Wheaties this morning.”

  “You are quite the smart ass, but I like it. It becomes you.”

  “I am quite gifted in many areas, and if yo
u behave I might show you all of my gifts one day.” He winks and puts his sunglasses on. I take it he is ready to roll. I grab my white cat eye shades, and follow him to the elevator after locking my door.

  Chapter 6

  Being on the back of Cutter’s bike feels so freeing, I feel ready to tackle anything right now. Bravely I peel one arm from around his waist. I lean back slightly and let out a yelp of excitement. He chuckles getting a real kick out of my enjoyment. I can fell his laughter tensing through his stomach muscles. Where do they breed guys who are naturally ripped like this? Harlan had a nice body, but he had to work hard to maintain it.

  We speed through town and everyone is staring at us, but today I don’t care. I don’t know if it is because I took my meds or because of the effect Cutter is having on me. Or maybe I am just so lonely, the slightest attention is getting me excited, either way I am having so much fun for the first time in over a year.

  Cutter is so easy to be with. I know I just met him, but Harlan always blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in his life. It feels good to be with someone who just lets me be me and doesn’t have any great expectations of me. Even when I am with my Gram I feel like I am always letting her down in some way.

  Classes start next week and I am so nervous about it. Being I didn’t plan on attending, I am going to have to get a move on in preparing myself for them. But today I want to be anyone but me, and being on the back of a motorcycle with a cute guy, makes me feel anything but myself. We turn down a winding road heading away from town. He takes me to the falls, it’s like he can read my mind.

  He gives me some space on the bridge, but not much. I think he is afraid I will try to jump. I look to the cliff and close my eyes. Harlan, I say to myself silently. The wind rustles slightly and I know he is here watching me and listening to me.

  “Don’t be angry with me Harlan. I know you aren’t happy with me right now, but I need you to understand.” The feeling that he is close leaves me, so I figure it is time to go. He will forgive me soon enough. I reach into my bag for a cigarette and I find the envelope I put all of my paper daisies in.

  “Whatcha got there,” Cutter asks as I pour some of the flowers into my hand.

  “Oh these, they were a gift. I believe Harlan left them for me. I used to find them on my pillow at night.” I throw a few over the rail and out to the falls. I want Harlan to know I haven’t forgotten him, just because I am spending time with Cutter.

  “So he used to leave them for you when you were dating?”

  “No, it might sound crazy but when I was in the hospital after Harlan passed, he would leave them for me.”

  “Not crazy at all, but how do you know they weren’t from someone who wanted to see you smile. I’d bring you flowers if it would make you smile.”

  I put the rest of the daisies back into their envelope and back into my bag. It is definitely time for that cigarette. The flowers had to be from Harlan, who else would have known how badly I missed being able to hide away in my Gram’s garden while I was in the hospital?

  We go for a short hike around the falls before we hit the road again. I show him the best spots for spotting the bald eagles when they come here, but that isn’t until January. He makes me promise to come back here with him sometime to see the eagles. I say that I will but who knows. The falls is supposed to be my special place for being close to Harlan; it feels wrong to be here with Cutter. Like I am bringing a new dog home and letting it mark his territory for his own. Not that I can keep someone from enjoying the falls, but I shouldn’t be in our spot with someone else, even if Harlan can never truly be here to enjoy it with me like he used to.

  I lean in close to Cutter and wrap my arms tight around his waist. He kisses my forehead and tells me he wants to stop by a friend’s house.

  We ride in silence for a few miles when he suddenly turns drown a drive that I know all to well. “What are we doing here?” My stomach tenses, I think I am going to be sick. We are on The River’s family’s rental property. It’s the house Nolan lived in. He moved out after Harlan died and moved to central Kentucky or so my Gram heard from one of her old biddies. I used to come here a lot with Harlan.

  “A friend of mine lives here, he is having a small get together. A kick start to the semester.”

  ”Who’s your friend?” I weakly ask as we come to a stop in the driveway behind a black blazer. Please don’t say Nolan.

  “Oh, his names Hurley. I think you two have met already, you made quite an impression on him yesterday.” Great I think to myself, the cocky asshole from the diner, but at least he didn’t say Nolan. It is still early and there is already music blaring from the house. I swear this house was built to be a party house.

  “I don’t think I can go in there.” I admit as he slings his leg over the bike getting off of it.

  “Come on, you’ll be fine.” I know he doesn’t know what memories this house holds for me — both good and bad, but mostly bad. Nolan always found a way to shit on mine and Harlan’s good times.

  One of the last times I was here, Nolan was throwing a party, well he was always having a party of some kind. I will never forget it. Harlan had been drinking a lot and there were lots of party favors being handed out. I never took drugs, and Harlan never would let me, not that I ever really wanted to. But he wouldn’t even let me try pot, and everyone and their brother has tried it. He would make me go out of the room if anyone was smoking it.

  He would say to me, “Bella you are better than all of this, and I won’t let you be ruined by this life.” But this time in particular Harlan had taken a pill he hadn’t taken before; it had some kind of reaction with the alcohol and made him go off the walls jealous and he was being very aggressive with me particularly.

  One of his friends was talking to me about a new movie that was coming out, and suggested we go see it, and by we he didn’t mean the two of us. He meant a group of us together. But Harlan mistook the suggestion. He came charging across the room at me. He knocked me flat on my ass with his fist. When I tried to get onto my knees to get off the floor — he placed himself over my shoulders and began squeezing my temples with his knees as hard as he could, to the point I almost passed out.

  It took three guys to pull him off of me, including Nolan. My head hurts just thinking of it. I rub my jaw from the memory; it’s as if I can still feel the bruise. I had to put a bag of frozen peas on it to keep the swelling down. I became really good at covering bruises. So much so that a professional makeup artist would be jealous of how good I can blend concealer and foundation.

  But things weren’t always like that with Harlan and me. When it was just the two of us, nothing bad ever touched us — until the day he died. I am pulled from my memories by the shrieking of Brianna.

  “Bella, oh my goodness,” She flips her long blonde locks behind her shoulder as she steps off the porch and makes her way to where we are standing in the driveway. “How are you? I have been meaning to come see you, but I have just been so busy with school coming up and all.”

  “Sure wouldn’t want you to trouble yourself with crazy ole me.” I roll my eyes at her and don’t attempt to hide my dislike for her.

  She grits her teeth and saunters over to Cutter. “I didn’t know you knew Bella, with her not being well.” She gives me a wink and runs her fingers up his arm.

  He flinches under her touch, steps away from her and takes my hand. “If you’ll excuse us, I need to talk to Hurley.”

  Clearly wounded her pitiful attempts at flirting have no effect on Cutter, she calls out after us. “Be careful with that one, her last relationship didn’t end to well.”

  I don’t know what comes over me but the rubber band holding me sane snaps. I have been taking her shit all of my life. I will not let her walk all over me and make me look weak. Harlan and Nolan aren’t here to protect her this time. I let go of Cutter’s hand and charge at her full steam. Look out bitch here comes the crazy train, I smirk to myself.

  Catching her and
everyone by surprise we tumble onto the gravel. And I let her have it, I let the back of my hand go and it connects with her jaw. The look on her face is priceless. She didn’t think I had it in me. She must not realize how undone I truly am. I don’t have it in me to care. Or it might just be medication hasn’t taken effect, either way Brianna has had it coming from me for years.

  “You do not get to talk about him. You were nothing; you are inconsequential when it comes to Harlan.” While I am ahead, I do one of the most disrespectful things a girl in the south can do. I spit in her face. I want her to know how unworthy she really has become.

  “Shew wee, I knew you were a spitfire, when I first saw you. It’s in your eyes.” Hurley whoops with a laugh, as Cutter pulls me off of Brianna. “Better watch out for this one Cutter, she acts like a real firecracker.”

  “Yeah man, I’ll do that. I think it is best we go, just give me a call when you know more about that job we talked about.”

  We get back to town and Cutter pulls in at the gas station. “I need to fill up, you need anything?”

  “I’m alright.”

  “You ready to tell me what that was all about?” He takes the nozzle from the pump and unscrews his gas cap.

  “Nope, let’s just say something I have wanted to do for years.”

  “Something to mark off the list then?”

  “Yeah, definitely.” I hate that fucking cunt truffle.

  I go in to pay for the gas. My cell phone begins to vibrate in my back pocket. It’s my Gram, I am sure someone has told her I am running around all over town with a hoodlum or something. It doesn’t take long for word to travel around this place.

  “Hi Gram —” She cuts me off before I can speak any further.

  “Bella Rose what’s this I hear about you gallivanting through town on the back of a motorcycle?”

  “I am out with a friend, ya know socialization. I thought you’d be happy to see me being active and actually having human contact with someone other than Dr. Peters.”