I thought nothing or no one could ever compare to Harlan, but Cutter is having an effect on my happiness. I still can’t let him in fully, but I am trying and I am not even sure why.
Cutter holds my hand as the artist starts the outline of my rose tattoo. Brianna watches nervously. Hurley has to take her outside. She was about to faint at the site of the light bleeding. Two hours later I am tatted and it is beautiful. The roses are gorgeous, they wrap around my body perfectly with my small curves. The girl at the front desk gives me some cream and instructions on how to care for it as I pay.
Brianna chickens out of getting a tattoo, but she gets her belly button pierced. Hurley gets a new tattoo as well. He goes for a generic tribal tattoo on his upper left arm, but it does look good. Cutter says he plans on getting another tattoo at some point but he isn’t sure what he wants yet, so he decides to wait. I tease him that he should have gotten Bella’s bitch on his ass.
**
The first few weeks of classes pass in a blur. I haven’t showed to my appointments with Doc, he left me a voicemail that if I miss one more appointment he will make me go see my doctors at the hospital. He knows how to play hard ball. I call his secretary and schedule an appointment the first week of October, which happens to be next week. There is no way I am going to see those quacks, fucking dope pushers is more like it. I do not wish to go back and endure thera-rape-me.
I have managed to avoid my Gram as well. I dodge her calls and send her texts that I still need time to process everything. She needs to realize I will come around once I’m ready to forgive her, and today just isn’t that day. Thinking about it all makes me want a cigarette.
Chapter 11
October
I nervously walk into Dr. Peter’s office. His secretary gives me an understanding smile. Does she know the truth as well? I take my usual seat on the chaise and notice he has finally thrown out the dead plants. It’s about time.
“Bella,” he peers at me through his glasses. “Have you been well?”
“Same old shit, just another day.” What more can I say, not much has changed since him and my Gram gutted my whole life as I once knew it—well what was left of it.
“I suppose I deserve that answer.” He scoots his chair close to me. He decides we need to fully clear the air, though I clearly do not want to talk about it, any of it. Alex apologizes for not being upfront with me. He says he has watched over me my whole life. That he has kept his distance because my Gram thought it was best that he not confuse me about who he was.
He proceeds to tell me more about my mother, and that he doesn’t want me to think that she didn’t love me or want me. She was just sick and he wasn’t able to save her. He says that the showbiz life was just too much for her and when it ended — when she became pregnant with me, she felt like it was the end of her career. It hurts to hear that my own mother resented me, but I can appreciate his honesty.
Part of me feels bad for him, but there is a part of me that wonders why wasn’t I enough of a reason for her — my mother to live if she loved me so much. But the other side of me understands wanting to die. Not being able to cope with the pain. I tell Doc my thoughts on this and he says maybe I don’t wish to die as much as I thought I once did. Maybe he is right. The pain isn’t nearly as hard to bear these days, but with all things there are good days and bad days.
Doc makes me promise to go and see my Gram, but just because someone is sorry doesn’t make it right. And I feel all kinds of odd that Dr. Peters has been paying for me all these years. I told him I no longer wished to receive money from him, but he insists that he made a promise to Adeline that I would never want for anything and until I graduate to expect the monthly allowance to continue.
Brianna and I are going shopping this weekend for the Halloween party that Hurley is insisting on throwing. He and Cutter both have to work this weekend, leaving just me and Brianna. She actually isn’t as bad as she used to be or I have lowered my standards. I think she is sort of growing on me, I feel kind of dirty admitting it. But getting away for some girl time for a few hours is sounding appealing.
***
“Oh my gawd, this would look so hot on you. You have to try this on.” Brianna hands me some black and white jail house leggings, a red tutu, and a black corset.
“You are going to be the sexiest ‘Harley Quinn’; Cutter is going to begging you to tap that ass.” My cheeks redden and I try to let my hair cover my face before she notices. “You already have, haven’t you?” She makes a wide o shaped face and covers her mouth. “Don’t deny it. Was it good, he’s good right? I mean he just looks like a guy that can take care of business.”
“Okay I will tell you this — the guy has a magic tongue, and he has some great equipment.” Let her make what she will of that.
She continues to ramble on and on and starts trying to talk to me about her and Hurley’s sexcapades.
I tune her out and start trying on my costume. I guess she was asking me something and I didn’t hear her. She pulls the curtain back a little and catches me in my bra and panties.
I try to turn to cover the scars covering my thighs, but the mirror on the other side of me shows them to her anyways.
“Bella what happened to you?” She asks with her face showing pity. Pity is the last thing I want.
“Just don’t, I’m fine. It’s fine.” I guess my tone lets her know that it isn’t open to discussion and she doesn’t press me any further on it. Brianna was right this makes the perfect costume.
Our fun girl time is interrupted by Nolan, what is he doing here? Then it hits me Brianna must have invited the fucker.
I go off on my own for a bit to give Brianna a moment to talk to Nolan and manage to find a purple blazer for Cutter’s ‘Joker’ costume. Brianna ends up with a latex ‘Cat Woman’ suit after she ran Nolan off. I tried to talk her into something else; she is going to smother in that thing. But she says it shows all of her curves just right.
We pick up some makeup and a few skeletons and other odds and ends to decorate Hurley’s place with. Brianna stops dead in her tracks at novelty store when she sees that they have Ouija boards for sale.
“No, those freak me the hell out.” I stiffen, just the thought of going near one makes me queasy. I’ve never been big on ghost stories and all that goes with them.
“Come on. Live a little Bella,” she grabs my hand and drags me into the store to buy one.
I haven’t been to my Gram’s house in weeks and shopping with Brianna all day was exhausting. I miss my Gram even though what she did wasn’t right we are all one another has left. And I really miss her home cooked meals. Eating Spaghettio’s with Cutter isn’t cutting it. I need real food in my belly. I’m on my monthly too; comfort food always makes me feel better.
Brianna drops me off at my Gram’s house and says she will get my stuff to me Monday. She thinks that it is her duty to drive me to school now. I don’t know how we have become instant besties but she isn’t too bad, most days — or if handled in small doses. I used to look at her and think dear God someone please shoot her before she multiplies. But now I can smile and mean it when I see her. It feels nice to have a real friend.
Gram looks pleasantly surprised to see me. “Are you hungry, I have some soup beans and corn bread made?”
“I am starving.” I decide that mine and Grams time could be limited. She is getting old and I still don’t know if I will jump when the time comes. I know I need to make the best of our time together. I tell her about my classes and about the ridiculous costume I am going to wear for the party. Gram takes my hand and clasps it real tight with her wrinkled calloused hands.
“This is a good look for you my beautiful rose.”
“What is?” I ask confused by her words.
“Living, my sweet girl — whatever Cutter is doing for you tell him not to stop.” I blush at her words. “That is what I thought.” She smirks at me. “I knew he was special the moment I laid eyes on him. Just promise me you wil
l try to love him Bella. You are so young and well a woman is allowed more than one love in a lifetime. I know you will get mad but God rest his soul, Harlan wasn’t right for you. And I — I know you think you loved him, but he was puppy love. Cutter I look at him and you and I see the real deal. You seem happy and I think it is because of him.”
I sigh and take my hand back. She just doesn’t get it. Harlan is the love of my life, Cutter is just Cutter. We have a good time together, he understands me. He gets it. I decide it is best not to argue with her — not tonight.
Gram tells me she has something for me before I go. She gives me a box of my mother’s things. I get a text from Cutter asking where I am he wants to know if I want him and Hurley to pick me up. They are going to sit around and drink a few beers after they get off work. I tell him thanks but no thanks; I will talk to him later. I don’t want him being too dependant on my company, we spend a lot of time together as it is.
The walk from my Grams to my apartment has me wishing I would have had the guys give me a lift, but the air isn’t too cold for an October evening. I don’t know why my feet choose to carry me to the cemetery but I find myself at my mothers headstone before I realize my surroundings.
I sit on the chilled ground Indian style and open up the box of her things. It isn’t a large box. It is a small rectangle wooden jewelry box with little roses carved into the top of it.
“Mom, I feel so lost, I want to forgive you for what you did — for leaving me, for taking the easy out. I wish I could really understand it. And it is so hard for me to judge you knowing that I have had those very thoughts —thoughts of leaving this world and my pain behind.”
I start looking through her trinkets. She has some really pretty jewelry and some really silly pins and things. I can’t help but laugh at her Madonna fan club pin. It’s nice to feel close to Adeline — my mom, even if it is just for a few brief minutes.
I wish Harlan were here, I know he would know what to say or do to make me feel better. It is starting to turn cold, but there is one more person I want to talk to while I am here. I make my way to the other side of the cemetery to where Harlan is at rest. It is getting dark out and I am not a scaredy cat but being here in the dark is eerie, ominous almost.
“Harlan”, I take a knee at his headstone. “I don’t know who I am, my life — well my parents it has all been a lie. I don’t know who my father is and I just wish you were here. I am sorry I know it seems like I am moving on without you. I feel guilty that I am here going on, making friends.”
My mind flashes to Cutter and a grin spreads across my face. I can feel it stretching from ear to ear. I look back down at Harlan’s grave, this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be here talking to him and thinking of someone else.
“Please give me a sign Harlan. Are you still waiting for me or do you want me to move on? I feel stuck right now. I can’t go back but I am unable to move forward.” I run my fingers across the smooth cold marble before heading home.
**
At home and alone I find myself feeling lonely. I have gotten use to Cutter hanging around so much, and I call him codependent. My life is changing; I can feel myself changing a little with every new day. I am curled up on my couch watching a movie about to drift to sleep when there is a light knock on my door. I slowly peel my butt off the cushion and open the door expecting to see Cutter, but no one is there just a card of some sorts.
I look around to see if anyone is lurking. Maybe Cutter is trying to be cute. Picking up the card I close my door and lock it before opening the envelope. Once I am seated. I carefully open it to find that it’s not a card it is a picture of Harlan and me in my Gram’s flower garden. I have never seen it before. Is this a sign from Harlan? My heart beats faster. I study our expressions we are looking at one another, completely lost in each other.
I turn the photo over to see if there is a date or a note. There is handwriting I don’t recognize belonging to anyone I know. It is hard to make out but it looks like it reads ‘still waiting.’
“Who did this,” I yell out to the empty hallway as I let my door swing open. The elevator dings and Cutter steps off. He sees the hurt on my face. I am feeling so many emotions, guilt, and anger, and betrayal — want.
Cutter starts to ask me if I am okay but I cut him off. “Did you have anything to do with this?” I fling the photo at him.
“Bella, I just got here.” He flips the picture over and looks at both sides.
I can tell he hasn’t seen it before or he is a really good actor. I mean what do I really know about him? He popped up out of nowhere. I shake my head; I can’t waste all of my energy being paranoid. Cutter follows me into my place and demands to know what is going on.
I recite my day to him, even the cemetery. “So the picture, this is of you and Harlan?” I nod and he asks, “do you think someone is following you, I mean I have heard of ghost, but I don’t really believe in all that mumbo jumbo.” He takes a seat on the sofa and pulls me into his lap.
“Cutter was Brianna with you and Hurley tonight?”
“Yeah for a little while, you don’t think she did this do you?”
“No,” I shake my head and I really don’t think she would go this far. “But someone did.”
“I know, and trust me it pisses me off that someone is out there getting their kicks at playing with your emotions and your memories.”
Chapter 12
I have gone a week without any further incidents. Cutter is trying to spend as much time as he can with me, but between work and school our time is limited. Brianna and Hurley have been hanging around me when Cutter can’t. I am feeling smothered. Someone is always up my ass it seems. I mean I appreciate it all I do, but some days I find it harder to breathe. I decide to talk to Brianna about what happened with the picture. She says that she isn’t accusing Cutter but she thinks it is weird how little we know about his life, his family and such. And I agree with her to a point.
I know there is more to Cutter than he is letting on, I just don’t know what it is, or if I really want to know. He and I are supposed to be friends but I think he thinks we are dating. I guess I don’t do anything to clarify that we aren’t. I like him a lot, in some ways I feel closer to him, more so than I ever felt with Harlan. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like we are kindred spirits.
We are meeting up with the guys for dinner and I ask Brianna just to let it go for now. I have a photography assignment to work on.
I have to set up a shoot for a brochure for the university and I can’t cheat my way through this project with old photographs. I don’t know if I will be able to look through the lens without seeing Harlan’s death. I am going to ask Dr. Peters about ways to help me cope at tomorrow’s appointment. I only have Modern Literature today. We a discussing the impact of Contemporary Romance versus Erotic Novels on today’s woman, whatever that means.
I take my seat near the front of class and pretend to be interested in the lecture but my mind is so far away. All I hear in my ear is static. I can’t get tuned in with the rest of the world right now, and I really want a cigarette.
The professor excuses us and I am supposed to go over to Brianna’s dorm room to pass the time until we meet up at Nelly’s Kitchen with Hurley and Cutter. Her building is on the backside of the campus.
Taking a detour instead of heading to Brianna’s room I make my way to the picnic area for a smoke. Now that the weather is turning cooler there aren’t as many people in this area. It sits back against the tree line of the woods. I take my mp3 player out from my purse. I have a few more minutes to kill before Brianna gets off at the library and her roommate gives me the creeps, so I would just rather wait out here. She is always looking at me funny. I think maybe she is scared of me, but Brianna says she never talks to her either.
School hasn’t been as bad as I was expecting it to be. People don’t stop to whisper or stare, I actually blend in well. But I guess it is true what they say about assuming things, you make an ass o
ut of you and me. I take my ear buds out and put my player back in bag along with my lighter.
The leaves in the surrounding woods begin to rustle and I hear the faint sound of twigs cracking from what sounds like the pressure of being stepped on. I look around to see if anyone is around but I can’t see a soul. Raising up from the table and grabbing my bag, I glimpse a shadow from the corner of my eye. I look to see what or who is casting it.
A lump forms in my throat as I see Harlan standing in the woods staring back at me. I have to squint to get a better look. The sun is going down and glaring in my eyes as it sets behind the tree line where he is standing.
“Harlan,” I call to him. I start walking towards him, but the closer I get to him the deeper into the woods he goes. “Hey, slowdown.” I pick up my pace; I don’t want to venture too far into the woods and end up lost with no cell signal. That’d be just my luck to get stuck out here with no way of calling for help.
I get to where he was standing just mere seconds before but he has vanished without a trace. I listen closely and can no longer hear his steps. Okay I am losing it. The wind howls against me, and goose bumps raise across my chilled skin. I am startled by the ringing of my cell coming from my bag. I fumble getting my phone out and drop it in the leaves.
Well— shit! I bend down to get my phone and as I am getting back up to answer my phone, I see Harlan again in the distance. I rub my eyes and when I blink he is gone. I shake my head and answer my call.
“Bells, where are you. I have been calling you for the past hour. Cutter was about ready to send out a search party.” Brianna sounds concerned.
“Sorry I got lost in the woods taking a walk. And I lost track of the time. I will meet you guys at the diner.” I end the call and look around for Harlan once more, but he is nowhere to be found there isn’t any evidence that he was even here to start.
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