I'm with You
Page 11
I’m not sure which one of them was doing it or why, but I know that it wasn’t Harlan. He would not scare me like that or hurt me so deeply.
“Cutter please take me home. I need to go.”
“Sure just let me grab my keys,” the fun has drained from his face.
I am not sure if it is my tone or my expression, but I can tell he knows what I want. What I need tonight. And he doesn’t want to give it to me. This is it, Cutter and I are ending our friendship, or whatever this was we thought we were doing. Who was I fooling? Apparently me. No one will ever love me like Harlan. Nolan gets up from the floor and stretches before asking if he can walk me out. I don’t know why but I decide to hear him out.
“Bells, I miss him too, ya know. Sometimes I think I hear him or even see him. I know this must sound crazy.” He awkwardly brushes his thumb over a stray tear on my cheek. “It’s okay to cry too, I know it hurts. I hurt too.”
“Do you forget who you are talking to? Resident crazy right here,” I wave my hand at him.
Cutter is at his motorcycle waiting for me. And he groans like he is annoyed that Nolan is talking to me. “You ready, we need to get going if I am going to take you home.”
“Yeah I am coming.” It irritates me the way Cutter just insinuated that I would want anyone else — Nolan — to drive me home, no thanks. I have had enough creepiness for one night.
“You know if you ever want to talk or whatever, give me a call. It was nice seeing you here tonight. Like old times Bells.” Nolan gives me an uncomfortable hug. I half hug him back out of courtesy and obligation. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, even if he is a douche waffle. I can’t be rude to him when he is hurting, even if he doesn’t exactly deserve my kindness.
I climb onto the back of the bike without giving anyone a second look or another word to Cutter.
“Better hold on tight, it is going to be a cold ride to town,” Cutter tells me with indifference. So this is how it’s going to be. I am about to get the brush off. Harlan brushed me off enough times that I can see one coming a mile away.
After a bone chilling ride through the night air we arrive at our building in town square.
“Thanks for the ride.” I take a moment to get off the bike, and I am unsure what else there is to say.
“S0 listen — Cutter cuts me off before I can speak.
“Back there the whole Ouija board stuff, you know that wasn’t me, right? I would never hurt you like that Bella. I know you are ready to go wash that shit off your face, but just promise me. Promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.”
“Cutter I never make promises I don’t intend to keep. If there is one thing you can trust about me, it is that.”
“I could be good for you, if you’d let me Bella. Let me in, be mine.” I walk away and get on the elevator alone. I can’t — belong to him.
When I reach my floor, I hear the sound of Cutter driving away on his bike fading into the distance. So much for that, I guess it was only a matter of time though, how much of me can he really take, before I wear him down. I didn’t think it would be possible to become any more broken than I already am, but Cutter driving away tonight hurts me more than I want it to.
A part of me, and I mean a huge part wants so badly to call him and lie… to tell him that yes I want to be his, but I know he’d see through it, he is always able to call me on my shit. I owe him better than that. Maybe he’ll go back to the party and meet a good girl, a girl that deserves him.
I get inside my apartment and strip out of my costume and wash away the remains of the night in the shower. I don’t bother washing my hair, I just want sleep to find me and take me far away from here.
If only I could travel back in time. I would go back to when I first met Cutter on the bridge. I would jump and then I wouldn’t be stuck here now —unable to go back and yet unable to move forward. And I wouldn’t be hurting someone good like Cutter. He’d be so much better off if he hadn’t followed me to the falls that day.
It was fun pretending to be normal for a while, but it was exhausting too. Keeping up appearance, making friends, keeping up with school, I never wanted any of this. I didn’t ask Cutter to be my savior, but part of me wishes he would barge in here right now and take my pain away.
I am in the process of putting on my night clothes when I hear the creaking of the floor in the hallway. For a brief moment I think it is Cutter granting my wish, barging in here to save the day, to save me from the darkness once more, but I know he would announce himself if it were him. And I am pretty sure I locked my door when I came in. Okay now I am creeped the hell out.
In every horror film the girl always gets whacked when she goes to see what the noise is. I press my back to the bathroom wall quietly. If I die it will be on my own terms, not at the hands of someone else. And I’ll be damned if I ask who’s there.
The bathroom door is open and I am afraid to try and close it. Instead I watch the hallway through the mirror that sits above the sink. Creak — I hear another step on the hardwood floor... Thump — thump, goes the beating of my heart. I feel like my heart is hammering in my throat like a jackhammer, constricting my breathing. I keep my eyes trained on the mirror, afraid to blink. Hell I am afraid to breathe at this point.
Creak, whoever it is has now reached the bathroom. Then my world comes crashing down all around me, a disfigured version of Harlan is in my hallway. He stops right at the bathroom door. I am unsure if he sees me. But this is not my Harlan. His face is grey there are cuts and bloody bruises marking his once handsome face. His clothes are tattered and dirty. He smells of rotten eggs. I feel like I am in a real life horror film.
My heart is ready to come out of my mouth. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. My heartbeat races faster and faster. My blood is pumping faster and faster, my pulse — like a race car speeding around the track. And then I crash. I hit the wall at full speed and total the body of the car — me.
When I come to I am sprawled out on the bathroom floor. I feel sore and stiff. I am unsure how long I have been lying here in a pool of my own blood. My arms look like I was carving up a fucking Thanksgiving turkey. The last thing I remember before the darkness took over me was the smell of rotten eggs.
Just the memory of the putrid smell is enough to make me sick. I can’t go dinner at Gram’s like this tonight. I send her a text telling her I stayed out too late and that I am in bed nursing my hangover. There now she won’t worry about me and I can sit here and sulk all day, pity party table for one.
I start to text Cutter but decide against it, if we our over, he deserves a clean break from me. I know it will be hard and that I will miss his company but it is what’s best for him, he was growing too clingy anyways and acting too much like a boyfriend would. And if I am being honest, I am becoming to dependant on him as well. I warned him that I would hurt him. Why couldn’t he stay away, better yet why couldn’t I?
Chapter 14
November
It has been more than a week since Halloween, since I made a carving board of my arms. Thank goodness it is cold weather, so I have a reason to wear long-sleeved shirts — to hide what I did to myself. Cutter is keeping his distance, he saw my arms and he is more than upset with me. I don’t even know why he bothers, in a year I will no longer be here — or sooner. I told him he’d be better off if he would forget about me. He gave me some line about how he made a promise to me that he would put me back together again and that he is still waiting for me to see that he is good for me. I told him you can’t fix what wants to be left broken. Duct tape couldn’t fix me, and duct tape fixes everything.
The darkness has claimed me and all will be right soon enough. I just need time to plan things out more effectively this time. I haven’t spoken to another soul about what I seen that night in my apartment. It wasn’t like a ghost either — it was like a walking corpse. I don’t believe in zombies, but if they are real that’s what I saw that night — the walking dead.
I especially won’t tell
my doctor, he would commit me, and I can’t go back there. If I do, I may never leave.
I never again want to hear the screams in the night; you could smell the hurt and the fear with every breath. There is a sinister feel to that hospital. And some days I wonder if all of this time if it hasn’t been death stalking me —waiting to stake his claim on me. Maybe it hasn’t been Harlan at all. Maybe he has truly passed on to the other side without me. What if it is the devil coming for me, to make me pay for my sins? For the first time in my life I am scared of what is next.
There was an older lady who used to come to see my Gram a lot when I was younger. They have said she could connect with the spirits. I would be paying her a visit if she were still living. I don’t know of anyone else who has the gift. So much for that idea, I wish I could find a medium.
I need to get through my appointment with Dr. Peters and figure out how in the hell I am going to make this brochure.
I am strictly taking the bus from now on; it is getting too chilly to walk or ride my bike. And I am no longer accepting rides from Brianna. When you let people in too close, they burn you in the end. It never fails.
What I need is a car. I have enough in my account that I could get a cheap used one. I may have to look into that after my appointment with Dr. Peters this morning.
I check the clock; I have time to hit the diner for some coffee before my appointment. I tie my granny sweater at the waist and hurry to the bus stop. I try to avoid bumping into Cutter at all cost. But I wouldn’t mind some of his pumpkin vanilla brew this morning. See I am addicted, evil lust pheromones are doing their job.
The bus is surprisingly empty, the past few mornings it has been so crowded. I fiddle with my camera. I keep popping the memory stick in and out, until I reach my stop. I walk into the diner and see that they have taken down Harlan’s picture and message board. I take a seat at the counter and order my coffee. Hurley takes a seat beside me.
“They took it down. Mrs. Rivers came by and removed it a few weeks ago.” He turns my stool so that I am sitting knee to knee with him, and forced to face him. “What’s up with you did you and Cutter breakup? Brianna says you have refused to ride with her. If this is all about Halloween, I think that Nolan guy was doing that shit. That guy is weird. And I don’t like the way he looks at Brianna or you. ”
I think Hurley is biased in his opinion, because of Brianna and her past with Nolan. Nolan is odd and a jerk, but I don’t think he has a malicious intent, he’s just an asshole.
“He is weird; I guess he could have been behind it. I think he just misses his brother and has a weird way of expressing himself. He’s a jerk though, I think you should stay away from him; he has a history with Brianna. I don’t think I need to be worried about him though.” Hurley looks slightly wounded by my brushing his concern off.
“Just be careful around that guy, there is something funny bout him. I don’t’ get a good vibe from him.”
The waitress hands me my coffee, and I lay two dollars on the counter. “Yeah he has always been a dick. If you care about Brianna you will keep him away from her too. Everything the River’s family touches turns to shit,” I turn on my heels and head for the door.
Before I can walk out Hurley stops me. “Take it easy on Cutter, he is miserable without you. He is like a love sick puppy, and to be honest I think you’re good for him, he needs you too. I know you miss him, all of us. Don’t be a stranger.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I take a drink of my shitty coffee, now nothing compares to Cutter’s ‘special brew.’ Fucking addicted.
**
“Alright Doc I am ready for you to fix my camera problem. What are we going to do to get me past this?” I lie back on the chaise and prepare to count the lines running through the cracks in the ceiling as always.
“Don’t get too comfortable, we are taking a trip to the falls.” Dr. Peters leads me out the backdoor in his office and to his SUV. I take my seat in the passenger side and light up a cigarette. “I really wish you wouldn’t smoke Bella.”
I take an extra long drag and blow a puff of smoke out the crack at the top of the window. “Yeah well I wish a lot of things. Do you know of any genies going around granting wishes?”
He just shakes his head and I just cracked a smile from him. I don’t think I have ever really seen the man smile before.
We pull into the marina and Dr. Peters tells me we are going to the scene of Harlan’s accident. I don’t think I can. I haven’t been to ‘Dead Man’s Rock’ since the day Harlan died. Taking a deep breath I have no choice but to follow him. The hike that leads to the cliffs is a bit longer than the trail that leads to the bridge that over looks the falls. If I had known we were coming here today I would have worn better shoes. A little warning would have been nice. You would think he could have had the courtesy to call or send a text so I could dress appropriately, but then again had I known this is where we would be going I might have bailed on my appointment.
I take in the scene around us and make the best of the situation; most of the trees have lost all of their leaves by now. I have a seat on an old stump. A few more deep breathes, it isn’t so bad. I don’t feel Harlan here today either. “Okay Doc, hit me. What do you need me to do?”
He wants me to recap the day that Harlan died. Okay this is not what I was expecting, but now that we are here in this spot, it should have been obvious to me. I rub my hands together and blow on them trying to warm up. It is a lot colder out. They say we are in for a harsh winter. You can feel it coming in the air. There was already a thick frost on the ground this morning.
My chest is tight, if I had never experienced anxiety before, I would swear I was having a heart attack. The sweat begins to bead across my forehead and I can feel my chest turning red — next the welts will show on my chest if I don’t calm down.
“Slow deep breaths Bella. Inhale, now exhale–and again,” Dr. Peters talks to me in a soothing tone. “Take your time, you can do this, I know you can.”
My pulse begins to slow. A wave of calm spreads through my veins. The breathing technique is helping.
“Walk me through that day Bella.”
“If I do the nightmares will come,” my chest tightens thinking about the return of the dreams. I don’t know how much more suffering I can take on. The poison is trying to kill me and with this exercise it just might succeed.
“You need to do this to make them stop Bella Do you want the dreams to go away?”
“Yes, more than anything.” And I do, as much I feel guilty, I am tired of this burden.
I close my eyes and begin to tell my story, our story. The tragedy that was Harlan and Bella. I tell Alex about the dare I gave Harlan to jump off the cliff.
“Open your eyes Bella. You need to relive the memory. If you don’t you will never be able to move on. Aren’t you tired of being stuck?”
I nod my head, because I am so tired. I am tired of this life. I am tired of feeling like I am crazy and everyone treating me like I am fragile. They act as if I may break, when I am already broken. The only person that seems to realize the fact is Cutter.
“Harlan — my voice cracks as his name leaves my trembling lips. “He was at the top of the cliff. I blew him a kiss. I felt bad for not giving him one before he climbed up there. I — I wanted a picture of him looking so carefree. You see it was rare for it to be just the two of us, and happy. With no one butting in and driving invisible lines between us.” I walk to the edge of the water and skip a few stones across the water before I continue.
“Harlan reached out to catch my kiss, and he stumbled. His foot got caught on a tree root. He lost his balance. I heard every crack, of his skull hitting the side of the cliff as he fell. I couldn’t do anything but watch. I was frozen in place.” The tears take over I can’t say the rest. It hurts the poison is bubbling, coursing through my body. It is always ready to take over when the hurt becomes more than I can bear. Sobs burst from my mouth, and I am shaking uncontrollably.
Is he crazy, didn’t he just see how hard this was for me, and I didn’t even get out half of the story?
I can’t go to class after today; I am drained mentally and physically. Dr. Peters writes me a new prescription, he has increased my medication. While I am, standing outside of the pharmacy waiting for my prescription to be filled, I cup my hands trying to light up my cigarette.
I spy Cutter across the street loading feed into the back of a farmer’s truck. Part of me wants to drag him behind the dumpsters in the alley and kiss him senseless, but then the darkness warns me that it is pointless. I don’t owe him anything, but I did agree to give him a year. I squint trying to get a better look at him. He looks so un-rested; underneath his eyes is tinted lavender. I put my cigarette out and stick a piece of gum in my mouth.
I get my medicine and decide I know nothing about cars. I will regret it later, but I walk to the hardware across the street and ask Cutter to go car shopping with me. He looks genuinely happy to see me. A huge grin spreads across his face the moment I walk up to the service desk.
Now I feel like an asshole. He has been nothing but nice to me while I am dealing with my shit, and how do I repay his kindness — I cut him off completely, and all because of what — a stupid board game.
“I — I owe you an apology Cutter. I am a shitty friend. Can we just go back to before Halloween and pretend the past few weeks that we have been too busy to hang out.” I know I need him, and he needs me.
He takes each end of my scarf and pulls me in for a kiss. “There does that answer your question?”
“Yeah,” I touch my fingers to my lips, still feeling the heat of his breath against them. “What time do you get off?” He tells me he has fifteen minutes left. We are both starved so I head down the street to order us some burgers so our food will be ready when he clocks out.