Bouncing Off the Moon

by David Gerrold

  Luna's official census reported 3.2 million permanent residents. The unofficial census estimated that there were another 50,000 Loonies living off in the hills. Some of them were fictitious identities like Samm Brengle-Tucker and his family; no one knew how many; but the fictitious families made it harder to track down those who were just invisible. So nobody knew for sure how many invisibles there were.

  People went invisible for lots of different reasons. Some of them were hiding from Earth authorities or bounty marshals. I could understand that. Others wanted to live alone so they could practice their own way of life without interference from anyone else. I could understand that too. And some of them were invisible because they really hated other people. And that one wasn't hard to understand at all; sometimes other people were really hard to put up with. I wondered what it might be like to live so all alone—hiding in the darkness, hiding from the light.

  And then there were the others …

  Some of the invisibles were out there in the shadows because they were doing things they really didn't want anyone else to know about. That was scary. I couldn't imagine what those things might be. And I didn't want to imagine.

  Alexei Krislov paid for his own train ticket. Samm Brengle-Tucker bought tickets for himself, his common-law wife and daughter, and his half brother, Janos Brengle-Palmer. Then Alexei passed out cash cards to everyone. "Just in case," he said. "But even cash cards that come from Earth can be traced eventually, so only use for emergency. Please. Remember, you are invisibles and hope to stay that way."

  "Won't people ask questions?" I asked.

  Alexei shook his head. "People come in and out from the cold all the time. Go visiting, go shopping, then disappear again. There are many invisible networks. Most Loonies know better to ask. Someday they might want to go invisible themselves. Loonies respect each other's privacy. No questions, no touching, no personal remarks. Is because we do not have much real privacy—we share too many cramped little tubes for too much of our lives—so we have to create privacy in our heads. Earth tourists do not always understand this. Too much touching and pushing, they think they are being friendly. On Luna, if someone touches you and you do not want to be touched, is very big, very bad mistake. Slap hand away and say, 'Don't touch me, dirtsider!' Is very nasty insult here. Not to worry, you will have Samm and Janos to protect you. You will stand close between them. Just remember who you are."

  A year ago, Janos had arranged the mail-order marriage of Maura Lore-Fields to Samm Brengle-Tucker, and had brought her and her eight-year-old daughter (from a previous marriage) to the moon to meet her new husband. Janos had short black hair and a mustache he refused to shave because he was going back to Earth as soon as traffic on the Line resumed. Samm had enormous eye goggles he had to wear to compensate for some progressive condition that he hoped to have corrected at Gagarin Dome.

  Maura had frizzy red hair and wore just a bit too much makeup for Luna. Most Loonie women wore their hair short and only wore makeup for formal occasions; but Maura didn't know that yet because she still hadn't been to a proper Lunar settlement. Her husband was a hermit, almost invisible; so she didn't know that she looked a little cheap. She thought she looked good, and on Earth, perhaps she would have.

  Patty had darker hair than her mother. Both had come from a religious settlement in northern Canada where women were not allowed to speak except when asked a direct question.

  Samm and Janos wore matching heavy-duty prospector's jumpsuits. Patty wore a blue pinafore. Maura wore an ill-fitting dress and an unhappy glower.

  "Why can't I wear a jumpsuit?" I asked.

  "Because in a jumpsuit you look too much like a boy," said Mickey.

  "A boy with tits," said Douglas.

  "A disguise is about meeting people's expectations," said Mickey. "They'll see what they want to see if you'll just give them the right cues. You need the dress and the makeup to sell the look."

  "Mikhail is right." Alexei said, "Here. Give me monkey. I will put it in my bag for safekeeping."

  "Uh, no—" I said it a little too quickly, but there was no way I was going to let the monkey out of my control—not even for a moment. "Wait. Let me try something." I loosened the sash around my waist to let the dress hang loose and began stuffing the furry little robot under my slip. I wrapped its long arms and legs around my middle; the monkey seemed to figure out what I wanted and settled itself into the least uncomfortable position it could manage. "There," I said. "I'm six months gone. Maybe seven. That's why I can't wear a jumpsuit."

  Patty laughed. Mickey and Douglas grinned at each other. "The kid is smart."

  "Da, that is good thinking." Alexei nodded, frowning. "We will have to adjust story though. Now you are going to Gagarin Dome to get officially married. Samm, you would not marry Maura until she could give you heir. Now you go to Gagarin to confirm that child is healthy male. If you are satisfied, you will marry Maura. If not, Janos must return her to Earth. What you do not know is that child might be Janos's baby. Nobody knows for sure. Does Samm suspect? Nobody knows. Never mind. Janos will marry Maura if Samm will not, so Maura is not to worry. Little Patty is also Janos's child, but Samm does not know that. Janos and Maura have decided to arrange marriage with Samm so that ice mine and all its wealth will remain in family after Samm dies. But what Samm has not told Janos and Maura is that ice mine is big dry hole. He has no income except for the electricity he sells; he barely survives. And he does errands for others that no one wants to talk about. Much secrecy for everyone. No one talks about anything. Everyone has secret. Da? Any questions?"

  I didn't know why Alexei felt such storytelling was necessary, I didn't care. I was uselessly trying to readjust the monkey around my belly. It didn't help. Even in the Lunar gravity, I felt unbalanced; I had to lean backward to carry it comfortably. Already, I was feeling pregnant. Was this what it was like for women? How did they stand it? I looked to Alexei. "When am I due?"

  "End of summer. You are not certain, because Luna has upset your metabolism. Not uncommon. Also, pregnancy lasts a week or two longer on Luna than on Earth. Because gravity does not pull baby down. But you are embarrassed to talk about it because you don't know who is baby's real father. Everybody stays very close to everybody. I will talk enough for all six of us, including the baby. You will glower at me, as if my chatter annoys you much. That should not be too hard for you to act, da?"

  That wasn't why I was glowering at him. And I wasn't going to tell him either. He must have thought we were all awfully stupid. He was acting enormously pleased with himself for making up such a baroque plan. He wouldn't have been so happy if he'd known what I was thinking.

  BELIEVING

  While I finished dressing, Alexei busied himself deflating the portable airlock. He'd anchored it outside, now he was pumping its air into the tanks of Prospector's Station so he could take a gas-credit for it. When he finished, he carefully folded and repacked the inflatable, and the bubble suits too, in case we needed them again. Even though each item had its own monitor chip and automatically logged its own use and projected expiration date, Alexei took the time to enter his own notes too about what each bubble had endured.

  Mickey came over to me. He looked serious. "How are you doing?"

  "I'm okay," I said. My tone of voice said the opposite.

  "Once we're all dressed and made-up, it'll be easier to believe."

  I didn't answer.

  "Listen to me, Chigger," he said. "The only way this is going to work is you have to believe it. If you walk around pretending to yourself that you're not really doing this, we might as well just hang a big flashing sign over your head. Look, I'm really a boy." He put his hand on my shoulder. "This is the big secret of life. Not just here. Everywhere. Once you believe in the part you're playing, everyone else does too. Because when you believe, that's what people see—your belief—and then they believe it too. This is the secret: You are what you pretend to be.

  "When I worked on the Line, I believed t
hat I was someone who could make people happy and safe and comfortable. That's what they wanted and needed to see, so they believed it too. When my mom goes into court, she believes she eats human flesh—raw. And that's what the guy on the other side of the room is afraid of, so he believes it too, and that's why she's so good at beating other lawyers. When your Dad conducts music, he believes in the music, doesn't he? People see your belief, Chigger, whoever you are."

  I looked into his eyes. He believed what he was saying. And I wanted to believe it too. "Okay, what do I have to do?"

  "It's called a visualization exercise. You close your eyes and just listen to what I say. You don't have to do anything else. Just follow the instructions, and look at whatever pictures come into your head. Whatever feelings you get, those are the right ones for you. All you have to do is listen and notice what you're feeling. You ready?"

  I nodded.

  "All right, close your eyes," he said. "And just relax. Bobby, you come over here. I want you to do this too. Close your eyes and just feel yourself floating in the air. Shake your hands loose, let them hang free. Rotate your head around until your neck feels relaxed. That's it. Very good. Just relax … No, no, keep your eyes closed, Charles."

  "What are you doing? Trying to hypnotize us?"

  "No, there's no hypnosis at all. It's just an imagination exercise. That's all. Just imagine what it would be like if you were turned into a girl right now. Close your eyes again, and whatever I say, just let the pictures float into your head. Whatever pictures may come, those are the right ones, there's no wrong way to do this. Attagirl. Relax now and think of your name. Maura … And Patty … Maura, think of your husband. What's his name? Samm, right? Think about why you're marrying him. Very good. Patty, who's your mommy now? Reach out with your hand, that's right, very good, and your mommy will take you by the hand. As long as Maura-mommy is holding your hand, nobody can hurt you, right … ?"

  Mickey went on like that for a long time, letting us visualize our roles on Luna. He had us visualize ourselves as a mom and her daughter, living with Samm and Janos, expecting a new baby, wearing dresses and makeup and nail polish, washing our hair together to save water, thinking that was enough—still not realizing that real Loonies saved even more water by shaving their heads. Not realizing that real Loonie women keep hair short and only wear makeup at festival time. But we weren't real Loonies yet. We were still halfway between Earth and Luna. Strangers. Not sure if we wanted to stay here in this airless paradise. That would explain any stumbles or unfamiliarity. And Loonies are disdainful enough of Earth people that most will just glance once and look away, deliberately ignoring.

  Finally, he had us imagine ourselves as simply female. "Imagine what it would be like to be a girl, a woman, for real. What would it feel like? That's who you are now. You really are Maura. You really are Patty. The people you used to be are on vacation somewhere else. They'll come back later when you need them. Tonight, just relax and enjoy the ride. Maura, let your husband take care of you tonight. Trust your brother-in-law who brought you here. Pattycakes, be safe in the arms of everyone …

  "All right now. In a minute, you're going to open your eyes. Come back slowly, come back gently. That's right, that's good. Just float here for a minute. And when you're ready to be Maura and Patty on the moon, open your eyes … "

  On one of the lockers, there was a full-length mirror. Nobody said anything as I went over and studied my reflection. I turned this way and that. With the makeup, I looked okay. I would pass. Maybe. If no one looked too close. I wished I were prettier. I'd feel safer. I didn't know if Mickey's visualization exercise had done any good. I didn't feel any different—or maybe I did. I still looked like a boy to me. But I didn't feel as embarrassed about being a boy. I just felt … whatever. I tugged at my hair, wishing the wig didn't look so awful. At least it was comfortable, and it kept my bald head warm. The air in here was cold. My ears were freezing—and I didn't like my earrings. They jangled, and they were cold too. And they were the wrong shape for my face. Was this what women did every day before leaving the house—worry about their hair and their makeup and their earrings? And that they weren't pretty enough?

  The dress wasn't a perfect fit, even with the padded bra, but it was a lot more comfortable than the bubble suit—it was even more comfortable than the all-purpose jumpsuit, especially if I had to go to the bathroom, because I didn't have to get half-undressed to do it. But the important thing was that it meant we were back in a shirtsleeve environment. No more Lunar excursions. No more bubble suits. All we had to do was get to Gagarin Dome, and from there to wherever.

  Stinky tugged at my arm. He was wearing a silly-looking dress, a brown curly wig, and little gold hoops in his ears. His cheeks had been very lightly rouged. He looked like a cute little doll. I would have felt sorry for him—except he was having too much fun. He laughed and pointed. "We look silly."

  I dropped to one knee—not easy with the monkey wrapped around my belly—and turned him to face me. Her. Her. Her! "Listen, Pattycakes … "

  "I'll be good," she said earnestly. "Really! Please don't put me to sleep again. Please?"

  I pulled her close to me and wrapped her in a hug and held her tight and whispered in her ear. "I'll be your mommy now, all right? And you'll be my little Patty-girl for a while? You stay close to me and Daddy. Douglas will be Daddy and I'll be Mommy—right? Here's how we have to do this. Little girls aren't allowed to talk on the moon. You can only whisper in Mommy's or Daddy's ear. Can you remember that?"

  Bobby hung on to me as hard as he could. "Will you really be my mommy … ? Really?" He sounded so bleak and desperate I thought my heart would break right then and there. I held him as tightly as I could, and said, "Patty, I will be your mommy as long as you need me to be. I promise. Forever and ever. Believe me."

  He didn't answer. He just held on for the longest time, sniffling into my dress. Until, finally, I said, "Okay, it's time to start being Patty again. Okay? Pattycakes?"

  She nodded.

  Something clanged onto the roof of the pod, the whole tube rattled. We looked up, startled.

  "Ahh," said Alexei. "The train is here. Everybody gather bags. Leave nothing behind. Not even trash." He went quickly through the pods, double-checking that we had picked up after ourselves and that everything was in the same working order as when we arrived.

  When he was satisfied that we were done, Alexei pulled a credit card out of his belt and swiped it through a wall reader. "Samm Brengle-Tucker has just paid for the air and water he and his family have used. Plus a generous tip to cover future maintenance of Prospector's Station."

  There was some clanking and thumping from the storage end of the station tube. The outgoing mail was being picked up. A few moments later, similar noises came from the opposite end of the station. Incoming mail was being delivered.

  Finally, after an interminable silence, there was another set of thumps and bumps directly overhead.

  "Hokay. Everybody ready?" Alexei looked up to the hatch expectantly.

  The panel next to the overhead hatch lit up green. Then there was a brief high-pitched hiss of air as atmospheric pressure equalized. Finally, the hatch popped and slid sideways. A spindly plastic ladder dropped down and Alexei scrambled immediately up it. He pulled himself up only by his hands; he didn't bother to use his feet.

  Janos pointed to Samm. "You go first, brother dear. I will come up last and bring the luggage."

  Samm, who still looked a lot like Douglas to me, nodded. He pulled himself up the ladder, just like Alexei. It felt like we were leaving a submarine. Then Patty followed her stepdaddy. I looked at Mickey. "I feel really embarrassed," I said.

  He leaned close, and whispered, "You look very pretty."

  "That's what I'm embarrassed about."

  "Yeah, I know." He patted my shoulder, and that made it a little better. I reached for the ladder—

  "Use both your hands and feet," he whispered. "Remember you're pregnant and Lunar g
ravity scares you."

  I'd wanted to pull myself up by my hands, just like the others, but Mickey was right. I needed to stay in character. I climbed carefully up through the pressure tube.

  My husband, Samm, was waiting at the top for me. As soon as I stuck my head up through the floor, he offered me a hand. I pushed myself quickly upward and as I floated into the cabin, he grabbed me by the waist and swung me safely around to the side. Dear sweet Samm. His eyes were in such bad shape, he couldn't see very well, but he still insisted on taking care of his young wife. He was very concerned about my condition. That was why we were heading to Gagarin. He said it was for the health of the baby, but perhaps his eyes were the real reason for the trip. Would he need transplants? Or would they be able to regenerate the nerves?

  It was closely cramped in here—there were storage crates everywhere. This wasn't the industrial luxury of the orbital elevator, that was for sure. Brother Janos came up last. He bounced into the cabin, then turned back to the hatch and pulled up our bundled luggage. There wasn't much and it didn't take him long to stash it in the inevitable wall webbing.

  Alexei and someone else I didn't recognize were already sealing the hatch behind us. She was very tall; she had very dark skin and an infectious smile. She was wearing a blue jumpsuit covered with several bright insignia. She glanced at us knowingly, especially me, but her smile remained professional. It was obvious that she and Alexei knew each other very well. When the hatch was sealed, they exchanged a more-than-friendly kiss.

  We were inside another cargo pod, identical to the one we had just left. Same orange webbing. Same polycarbonate mesh decking. Same close-packed cargo containers. I wasn't surprised. Waste not, want not. Despite all the imagined glamour of Luna, most of it was still built from scrounge. Even the trains.

  "Everyone, this is my fiancée," Alexei said. "One of many, da. We are building a Lunar-contract family. We have filed to select site. Pogue Crater. We need a family group of fifteen. We will put dome over crater and build first private lake on Luna. Tourist hotel too. Low-gravity paradise. I will be King Alexei the First. All we need are the rest of the husbands and wives. Let me introduce best husband-getter on Luna, Gabri Kalengi. You can trust Gabri, she is my cousin. She is beautiful, da? Who wouldn't want to marry Gabri? Not Samm, of course. He already has lovely young wife, but maybe brother Janos?"