You're Being Summoned, Darkness

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “Freeze!”

  “?!?!?!”

  Suddenly Darkness was turning blue and hugging herself.

  “Y-you devil! To get me soaking wet in the middle of winter…and then use ice magic…!”

  “Well, they don’t call him Cad-zuma and Trash-zuma for nothing!”

  Geez, enough from the peanut gallery!

  “Heh—ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Yes! This mercilessness! This is it—!”

  And before she’d even finished speaking, Darkness leaped at me!

  10

  This was bad. And at this rate, it was only going to get worse.

  Darkness raised her wooden blade tauntingly at me as I stood there looking stricken.

  To be fair, I could dodge the attack easily—no matter how frenzied she was, she always launched herself in a straight line, sometimes at the wrong distance or even in the wrong direction.

  “What’s wrong, Kazuma?! Starting to sweat?!”

  As she jumped at me, I could see Darkness trembling from the cold, but her fervor was causing her to sweat. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

  I had landed several blows, but she had never so much as yelped.

  “That’s the way, Darkness! Kazuma’s a beanpole! No way he can keep up a fight very long!”

  Darn it, I said enough from the peanut gallery!

  “Heh-heh, you’re not moving so well anymore. I think it’s about time to end this!”

  Darkness, egged on by Aqua’s shouting, smiled dauntlessly, threw away her sword—she couldn’t hit anything with it anyway—and flew at me barehanded.

  Aww, crap! I’ve got zero chance in a hand-to-hand fight!

  “That’s it! Grab him! Wring his neck! When you get your hands on him, there’s no way that scrawny Kazuma can stand up to you!”

  Dammit, why is she cheering for Darkness?! We’ll see whose neck gets wrung when this is all over!

  As I mentally cursed Aqua, Darkness came at me with her arms open wide as if for a big hug.

  I threw away my sword, too, and prepared to clasp my hands with hers as we pitted our strength against each other.

  “You think you can beat me in a contest of brawn? You fool!” Darkness exclaimed, and gleefully joined hands with me. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but a mere Adventurer is no match for a mighty Crusaderrraaaghhh!” Her revelry turned to a scream.

  Now she tried to break away from me, but I held fast to her hand.

  “What, not so confident anymore? Come on, Darkness, say something! Bwa-ha-ha! Surely you didn’t think I would face you head-to-head? You know me better than thaaaaahh!”

  Now it was my turn for triumph to become a scream as she grabbed my hand as hard as she could. She wore a mad grin, and her eyes burned.

  “Heh… Heh-heh-heh-heh! S-so this is D-Drain Touch…! But I can break your arm before you can drain my health…!”

  “J-j-j-juuust see i-i-i-i-if you caaan! Eeeeyowowowow!”

  There we were: me trying to absorb her HP with Drain Touch, her trying to shatter my limb through brute force.

  Neither of us asked any quarter; neither gave any.

  I was starting to bend under Darkness’s sheer power, but I could see her face crumpling as well.

  Geez! I was draining as hard as I could, but I couldn’t seem to find the end of her HP…!

  “H-hey, Darkness! W-wanna make a little wager? You challenged me b-because I p-pissed you off, right? W-well, the loser has to d-do any one th-thing the winner asks…!”

  I spoke through gritted teeth. Darkness leaned in to get every bit of advantage out of her strength.

  “A w-wager—?! Heh… Heh-heh…! Y-you’re just trying to b-buy time with chatter… We can wager or d-do whatever you want… If I win, you’ll h-have to apologize with your f-forehead in the dirt…!”

  There’s my chance!

  “Promise? Y-you’re sure…?!”

  “Y-yeah, that’s it! And you b-better get ready—give up now! Or I really will break your arm!”

  She was throwing her entire body weight into the effort, but my tone suggested I had already won:

  “S-sure? Totally s-sure? You prom—promise…?! When I win, you won’t get off with a weepy little apology…!”

  It sure didn’t look like I had any chance. I gave Darkness an unexpected grin.

  It must have taken her by surprise, because she relaxed ever so slightly.

  “…? What do you mean? What will you ask if I lose?”

  “Something that’ll leave you bright red and weeping with humiliation…! Bwa-ha-ha! You’ve already promised! All right, it’s on! I can already see you begging for my forgiveness after I win…! Please, I’ll make you say! Please forgive me!”

  Darkness trembled slightly at that. And the twisting on my arm lightened just a little.

  “Hrk…! Wh-what is it you’ll make me do? T-tell me! Out with it!”

  “Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Something far, far worse than you’re picturing right now, I guarantee!”

  “Wha—?! St-stop it…! Hrk… I-I’m trying to resist, but I’m still being drained…! At this rate…!”

  Drain Touch affects only vitality, but I could feel Darkness’s strength waning until she dropped to one knee.

  “Haaah… Haah… Wh-what will you make me do…?! Haaah… Haah… At—at this rate, I won’t be able…to go on…”

  Darkness was red and breathing hard. A single bead of sweat ran from the nape of her neck to her collarbone.

  “First I’ll keep on draining until you lose consciousness. You can savor the anticipation of what will happen when you wake up…!”

  “Ahh! Wh-why, you…! Hrrgh… I’ve lost this bout… But no matter what humiliations you inflict on me, you won’t…have my…heart…! Will it…will it be…something awful?!”

  Psst.

  The next two pages reflect the original

  Japanese orientation, so read backward!

  Both her hands in mine, her face upturned with anticipation, Darkness collapsed into a sitting position on the earth of the training ground.

  Balter said in a shocked voice, “You didn’t simply win—when you knew victory was yours, you forced her to wager! How merciless! Not for nothing do they call you Cad-zuma!”

  “H-hey!”

  Aqua went over to where Darkness was slumped on the ground and began to administer first aid.

  And then…

  “I heard you all were at the training grounds, so I brought drinks for—”

  With the best worst timing, Darkness’s dad walked up.

  The tray of drinks he was carrying fell from his hands and clattered to the ground.

  Servants rushed up to find out what was the matter, then their jaws hung open.

  All of them gaped at Darkness—bruises all over, skirt torn, absolutely drenched, leaving nothing to the imagination and completely unladylike, while Aqua tended to her.

  As everyone else looked at Darkness, Balter and I instinctively exchanged a glance.

  Aqua pointed at us. “It’s their fault!”

  “Very well. Put them both to death.”

  “No, sir, this is a misunderstanding!” Balter and I yelled in unison.

  11

  Between us, Balter and I desperately explained the situation, and somehow we managed to come out unscathed.

  Balter knew now who Aqua and I really were—though to be fair, he seemed to have suspected all along that I wasn’t a butler.

  Darkness—the reason we were in this mess—was still asleep, thanks to the beating she’d taken from my skills.

  Conducted to the parlor, we watched over her. She had been changed into the tight black skirt and shirt she usually wore for adventuring.

  Finally her father spoke, looking at his daughter.

  “She never was much of a people person…even with those who were close to her. Young Kazuma, you are a member of her party, aren’t you? She didn’t talk overmuch of herself, did she?”

  I cocked my head at him.
>
  I wonder.

  Now that I thought about it, I realized I didn’t actually know a whole lot about Darkness.

  I mean, she never talked that much, and when she did, she was usually spouting some no-good nonsense.

  “Even after my daughter became a Crusader, she was often alone. She spent every day at the church of Our Lady Eris, praying that she might find companions to adventure with. She told me joyfully once that on her way home from church one day, she finally made a friend, a companion—a Thief girl…”

  I knew Eris was a goddess you could count on! Ah, my lady, what fine work you do…

  “She lost her mother at a young age… I never took another wife and have had to raise her myself. She’s had only a man, and a doting one at that, to bring her up. Perhaps I did her a disservice in that way,” he said, looking solemn. He seemed to be talking about Darkness’s…tendencies.

  Was he implying that she liked being chained because she’d had too much freedom growing up? Sorry, Dad. I think she’s just always been this way.

  “Miss Lalatina outdoes any man I’ve met and is, I believe, a truly wonderful woman. If young Kazuma were not in the picture, I would indeed wish to take her as my wife!”

  Aaaand there went Balter. What the hell was he talking about?

  Darkness was just a friend.

  I won’t lie—there were plenty of things about her that made me pretty horny, but that didn’t mean anything. True, I’d never want her to end up with someone like Lord Alderp, who was just going to use her, but I would be perfectly supportive of a match with a decent guy who appreciated her.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, “but I’m not quite sure I follow.”

  “Come now,” Balter replied in a You don’t need to hide it tone. “You are clearly more able than I to make Miss Lalatina happy. I saw how implicitly you trust each other. Are you two not very much in love?”

  “Okay, let’s step outside. Lord’s son or not, I’ve gotta set you straight about a few things.”

  “Kazuma, stop! If you have to beat him up, do it when I’m not around! I don’t wanna get executed, too!”

  Aqua tried to hold me back as I went to Drain Touch the daylights out of Balter.

  “Baaah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  Darkness’s dad suddenly let out a huge guffaw.

  What now? There have been way too many twists and turns already today. I don’t think I can take any more.

  “All right then! Sir Balter. If my daughter ends up too old to marry, will you take her?”

  The spontaneous offer caught Balter off guard.

  “O-of course, I would be most pleased, but—”

  He seemed to be looking at me, but Dad cut him off:

  “And young Kazuma.”

  “Huh?! I mean—yes, sir?”

  I was every bit as startled as Balter.

  “I ask that you look after my daughter. Try to make sure she doesn’t do anything too stupid. Please.”

  Wait—what exactly was he saying?

  Surely he meant as her friend and fellow adventurer, right?

  I mean, of course I would. It would be exactly what I’d been doing all along.

  “…nn…? Hmm……? The parlor? …Ahh… I see…”

  Darkness sat up.

  At the same moment, the memories of what had happened before she lost consciousness seemed to rush back.

  “C-could it all be over now? What indecent things did you do to me while I was asleep?!”

  “Nothing! I haven’t done anything to you! Stop saying things everyone’s gonna take the wrong way! Everything got a little tense after you conked out.”

  At that, Darkness scanned the room, then smirked at me.

  …What? What was she thinking?

  I recalled what Darkness had said before the meet-up started.

  When this is all over, I’m gonna make you wish you were dead.

  No—I was safe now. No matter what she said next, there would be no problem.

  Just stay calm. I’m super-cool today.

  Just stay calm and deal with whatever…

  “Father. Sir Balter. Please pretend this matchmaking meeting never happened. There is something I have been keeping from you until now… But I am carrying Kazuma’s child.”

  “What the hell?! I’m a virgin; you can’t play that card! How are you carrying my child when we’ve never done anything? You’re a virgin, too! Are you Mary? I oughta whack you right in the stomach!”

  Darkness’s outrageous announcement and my reaction drew a strange smile from Balter.

  “I see—so you’ve been pregnant with young Kazuma’s child all this time. In that case, I suppose there’s nothing to be done—I concede my pursuit of you.”

  Then he stood up.

  Curse you, Darkness…

  She’d been asleep. She didn’t know she didn’t have to come up with some ridiculous way out of this anymore.

  “I’ll tell my father that it was I who refused the match. I believe that will be more convenient for all of us.”

  …Geez. What a class act.

  Are you sure you don’t want Darkness…?

  Darkness was giving me a Gotcha! look. I heaved a sigh. Fine. I could adventure with her a little longer…

  That was when Darkness and I realized that two other people in the room were wearing odd expressions.

  “A grandchild… My first grandchild… Sh-sh-sh-shall I have my first lovely grandchild…?!”

  “Whaaaaaaaat?! Kazuma, when did you and Darkness get to be—y’know—that close?! I’ve gotta tell everybody! Everyone in town’s gotta know!”

  Dad was weeping from joy, and Aqua was completely taken in. It took about a half hour of persuading to convince them both that it wasn’t true.

  12

  “Good gods. If I’d known things would turn out this way, I would’ve just outright refused the meeting in the first place!”

  “You’re telling me! I admit I’m really lucky you covered for me against Lord What’s-His-Face. But look. In the future, don’t pull another self-sacrifice stunt like that. Everyone was worried sick waiting for you to come back!” I said.

  “So Kazuma tries to foist Darkness on that guy Balter, and now he wants to pretend like it was no big deal! Shows you what kind of a man he is!” Aqua exclaimed.

  “Yeah! Worried sick, indeed!” Darkness said. “Just now you were trying to get rid of someone you didn’t like…! And Aqua, I’m pretty sure you were looking to get me married off, too.”

  Aqua and I just plugged our ears and pretended not to hear her.

  Darkness sighed deeply—but then something seemed to occur to her.

  “You know what, Kazuma? You did win our duel earlier. So what demand do you plan to make of me? What could be worse than my most awful imaginings…?!”

  As she spoke, her cheeks got redder, and she watched me with anticipation.

  Huh. I guess we did agree to something like that.

  Hoo boy. What should I make her do?

  Wait a second…this could be the perfect chance.

  …Wait a second again.

  “A-Aqua, you’re…you’re really close…”

  “…I’m just curious what you’re going to make Darkness do. What kind of awful thing do you have in mind? Hey, I know you’re angry with Darkness for making you worry like that, but don’t make it too awful, okay…?”

  So Darkness watched me with anticipation, Aqua with trepidation.

  “I-I’ll take my time deciding after we get settled in the house…”

  And with that lame attempt to buy myself time, I opened the door…

  “Sob… Sniff! Th-this is too muuuuch! Megumin! It’s too muuuch!”

  “Stop crying! Kazuma and the others will be back soon! If they showed up now, they would surely think I was the bad guy h— Oh.”

  Yunyun, a crying mess, was in our foyer.

  I locked eyes with Megumin, who was trying to comfort her, and quietly closed the door again.

  But it
immediately burst back open.

  “Please pretend you did not see that! I can offer a full explanation!”

  “Don’t worry. We already knew you were a bully anyway,” I said, as though I’d figured it all out.

  “I’m not! In fact, in school I used to—! But that’s neither here nor there! This is not the time to be fretting over Yunyun…!”

  As the words tumbled from her mouth, Megumin waved her staff frantically.

  “It’s all right! I’m f-f-f-ine! She’s right—this isn’t the time to be fretting about me…! Wah—waaaaah!”

  “Ahh! Goodness, what a troublemaker…! Excuse me—please leave the two of us alone for a moment!”

  Then Megumin shut the door again. We could hear Yunyun and her talking indistinctly inside.

  At length, the door opened a third time, and Yunyun came out, blowing her nose.

  “S-sorry for the fuss…”

  And with a little bow, she hurried on her way.

  Uh…huh.

  We all looked at one another, then at the mournfully departing Yunyun.

  We went inside again, to find Megumin slumped exhaustedly on the carpet.

  But she jumped up when she saw my face.

  “Kazuma, this is bad! Most terrible!”

  “Yeah, I kinda figured that out from the way you two were acting.”

  “No! Forget about Yunyun for a minute! That is something like a family dispute, and you needn’t concern yourself with it. I’ll explain everything sometime when we have a moment!”

  Actually, I’m extremely interested in what happened, but okay.

  Megumin, however, seemed like she was more concerned with something else.

  “I am more concerned with something else! It’s bad—that prosecutor? Sena or whatever her name was? She’s coming here right now! And apparently she’s set on arresting you this time!”

  As she spoke, she was breathless and pale.

  Chapter 4

  May This Masked Knight Submit!

  1

  “Kazuma Satou! Are you there, Kazuma Satooooou?!”

  Just as Megumin had warned me, Sena came storming up to the house in a towering rage.