As the song was ending she hugged me fiercely and said, “Thank you, Greg,” right into my ear.
A shiver travelled down my back and I gazed into her eyes. For a brief moment she gazed back at me, a ghost of a smile on her full lips. But the spell was quickly broken when Josie grabbed her.
“Give her back, Greggy-weggy! Go sing some more!”
I took my place at the mic once more and grabbed Rhiannon. Starting up again, I watched as Mallory was hugged by more people. The folks in the village adored her. And why wouldn’t they?
Despite my requests for no bloody singing, every fucker was at it. I laughed despite myself. There was nothing more hilarious than a room full of drunkards trying to sing Neil Diamond’s “I am, I said”. I dedicated a very apt song to Mallory that really grabbed her attention. Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” seemed to say things to her that I wanted to say myself. But they did it so much better than I ever could. I did my best to put every ounce of sincerity I was feeling into what I was singing, and her responding smile told me I’d done my job.
She was presented with a delicious-looking birthday cake thanks to Colin and Chrissy, and she blew out the single candle with a childish grin on her face. The night was drawing to a close and so I decided to try and calm things down a little. No mean feat, I can tell you.
“Well, I’m hoping the birthday girl has had as wonderful a night as the rest of us, eh? It’s been great to have you all here. But I have to say, when it comes to singing, don’t go giving up your day jobs. Leave it to the professionals. Know what I’m saying?” The fuckers booed me! They booed and heckled! I shrugged, knowing I was damn right.
“I’ll finish tonight with another of Mally’s favourites, and I have to say that it’s grown on me this week whilst I’ve been practising it. It’s by a bloke with an interesting name, if nothing else. He’s a mighty talented guitarist, not unlike myself.” Groans greeted me this time. “Okay, okay. He’s a young guy called Newton Faulkner, and this is a beautiful song for a beautiful… ah… friend, and it goes like this.” Shit, I nearly slipped up there. I tapped on my guitar and strummed the intro to “Dream Catch Me”. It wasn’t a song I’d been that familiar with until Josie had mentioned it to me, but I have to say that the more I listened to the lyrics, the more they resonated within me. There was one particular line that rang oh so true; and if you know the song, I bet you can guess. You know, the one where the singer can’t quite believe what’s happening? Aye… that one.
My eyes found Mallory’s just as I sang that one line and they locked on. I couldn’t look away. She stared back at me and swallowed before her lips parted as she kept her gaze fixed on me. Fuck. What am I doing? Once again the spell was broken when her best friend slipped her arms around her shoulders and whispered something into her ear. Whatever it was, Mallory didn’t like it, and her gaze dropped to the floor. Great.
The pub gradually began to empty and people said their goodbyes. I made my way over to where Mallory was hugging Ron and thanking him for coming. As he walked past me, he patted my arm and winked. He obviously was proud of me for the successful night, and it felt grand.
Mallory lingered. Looking her up and down, I shook my head. “Och, shit, Mallory, you’re looking old now, you know.” She hit my arm and I pretended to fall. “Have you had a good time?”
“The best. Thanks so much for doing this for me, Greg. It was so sweet of you.” She blushed, which was really cute. But then again, everything she bloody did was cute.
“No bother. That’s what friends do. And like I said, it’s my fortieth in a wee while,” I reminded her, wiggling my eyebrows. It was a couple of years away, but no harm in getting in early, eh?
“Well, I’m guessing you won’t let me forget that.”
“Am I allowed to hug you?” I asked her with open arms. “I think I made a total balls-up of the last time I hugged you. You know? The incident I now like to call ‘Chalkboard-gate’. I cringe whenever I think about it. What a complete spanner.” I felt like a total prick actually, but I was trying to curb my language. She stepped into my embrace and I squeezed her to me for a moment. Not wanting to hold on too long for obvious reasons—i.e. my growing bloody feelings—I let her go.
“Thanks again, Greg. You are a really good friend,” she said, staring right into my eyes. Okay, message received loud and clear.
My heart sank a little but I forced a smile. “Aye, you’re not so bad yourself, matey.” She reached up and kissed my cheek, pausing a little, and I could have sworn she smelled me. I mean, she inhaled as her nose was by my face, but I got the distinct impression it was deliberate.
A tiny seed of hope began to grow inside of me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
When I arrived home after the party, I was buzzing. There was no way I was going to sleep straightaway. The whole thing had been a massive success, and I couldn’t have been happier. Mallory had laughed, danced, and sung. She’d practically glowed all night. As I sat there replaying the evening over in my mind, I couldn’t help the smile that crept over my face. Lying back on the couch with Angus at my feet, I closed my eyes and was taken back to the party.
I caught sight of the sequins on her skirt and shoes sparkling in the dim, atmospheric lighting of the pub. The fabric billowed out as she spun around and I was mesmerised. The T-shirt she wore hugged her breasts beautifully, and I wondered if they were as gorgeous in the flesh as they looked under the taut turquoise fabric.
I’m pretty sure I was caught watching her on more than one occasion by Josie, Brad, and Sam’s mother, Renee. I wondered if she thought me a lecherous old prick. Not that someone as classy as she was would’ve used such language, but the sentiment would have been the same. My thoughts about Mallory weren’t lecherous though. I’m not saying they were pure—I’m not gonna lie. But there was just… something about her. Like I’ve said before; she was one of a kind.
I took myself off to bed and as I was brushing my teeth I took a long hard look in the mirror. Who was I fucking kidding? I was almost eight years her senior and she didn’t see me in that way. She’d made that blaringly obvious with her such-a-good-friend comment. And to top it off, what the fuck was I doing getting attached to someone when I was still grieving? It was pointless. Rebounds never worked out.
But as I eventually climbed into bed and waited for sleep, deep down I knew that this was no rebound.
When I opened my eyes, Mallory was standing at the end of my bed in her turquoise T-shirt and skirt from the party. This time I knew it was a dream but I didn’t fight it. I lay there, just gazing up at her as she slowly removed her skirt, kicking it to one side of the room. Her cropped denim jacket followed. Her eyes never left mine and she didn’t speak. Her hands reached for the hem of her T-shirt and she was slowly lifting it up… up… up. I sat up as the anticipation grew, but the sudden movement made me dizzy and when I looked down I had hold of Mairi’s hand. We were on a freezing-cold mountainside. I wasn’t sure how I’d got there and for a moment I was disorientated and confused. But then I remembered I’d been dreaming and fought myself to wake up. I observed my surroundings with a pounding in my chest and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Why wasn’t I waking up? I glanced down again and realised my grip was slipping and Mairi’s terror-filled stare chilled me to the bone. Her hand slid from mine and she fell—
I sat with a violent jerk and opened my eyes wide. My chest heaved and once again I was covered in sweat and gasping for breath. What the fuck? I wanted… no, I needed the nightmares to stop. I was losing my grip on my fucking sanity and I had no idea how to stop it from happening. This one was worse than the others. The sense of panic had my heart beating so fast, I clutched my chest and considered calling the paramedics in case I was on the verge of a heart attack.
This was because of my feelings for Mallory. It had to stop. I had to apologise for staring at her when I sang that bloody song. God, what she must be thinking? She’s grieving and I threw myself at the poor woman v
icariously through someone else’s words. What was I thinking?
With my resolve set firm, I climbed out of bed and turned the shower on. I decided I would wash, dress, have a coffee, and set out for some much-needed fresh air. I had to clear my head of the cobwebs that had taken up residence, clouding my mind and making me forget what I’d lost. Well, that fucking nightmare had reminded me. I wouldn’t forget it again in a hurry.
Once I was suitably caffeinated I grabbed my coat and went to the door, Angus at my heels. The sky was dark and I was betting I’d get soaked during our walk, but Angus didn’t care about the rain. Closing the front door but not bothering to lock it—I rarely did—I pulled the refreshing chilled air into my lungs and we set off toward the village.
As we got to the village something caught Angus’s attention and he went shooting off toward the bridge.
I began to jog after him. “Angus, you bloody mad hound! Come back here,” I shouted. But then I realised what had been the distraction that made him run. Mallory and Ruby were standing in the middle of the bridge. She turned and looked at me. Awww, fuck. I really didn’t want to face her, but if I didn’t want to appear the fucking tube I really was, I had no choice. Shaking my head at myself, I waved and began to jog once again and made my way over to join her.
When I arrived on the bridge I forced a smile. “I obviously didn’t do my job right last night, eh?” She raised her eyebrows and asked what I meant. “Well, you don’t look in the least bit bloody hung over. What were you drinking at your birthday bash? Earl Grey?”
We joked about the fact that Mallory had been so caught up in the events of the night that drinking hadn’t really been her top priority. The glow on her face had been pure happiness. Despite the nightmare, my heart warmed at the memory.
Feeling more relaxed in her presence than I’d expected, I invited her and Ruby to join Angus and I on our walk. She hesitated and I thought she’d turn me down. But surprisingly enough, she accepted. We set off together toward the beach. The four of us.
Once we were on the sand, the two doggy friends went off together, frolicking and barking. Watching them made me smile. If only being human were so simple.
After a few minutes of silence I spoke. “So… it was a good party last night, eh?” I kept my eyes focused on the dogs skipping around each other.
“It was wonderful, Greg. I can’t believe you did all that for me.”
I glanced out of the corner of my eye, and she too had her eyes fixed firmly front and centre. I shrugged. “Well, I figured that’s the kind of thing Josie would do if you were down Yorkshire way.”
She made a snorting noise and laughed. “Maybe not with so much gusto though. Josie would have done the pub and the friends, but they would have been their own entertainment.”
I put my arm around her shoulders and gripped her roughly in what I considered a friendly kind of… well… man hug. “Well, I’m just glad I did you proud.”
When I released her from my grasp, I watched what looked like confusion take over her features. Huh? What’s up now? Her brow pulled in and she chewed her lip, avoiding eye contact. Fuck, I couldn’t do right for doing wrong!
Once again we were back to silence and watching our two mad canines dash around the beach, flicking sand up in their wake. The first drop of rain hit my forehead and I glanced skyward. Here came the deluge. Mallory pulled up her hood and told me she was going to go away up to the cottage to see her Canadian family. I said I’d walk with her, seeing as I had a free day. It had been my intention to relax and maybe catch up on doing nothing. I figured I was overdue.
We headed back up the beach toward the road. Big, fat raindrops began to splatter us, and it wasn’t long before we were completely soaked. Stupidly I decided that right then would be a good time to apologise for my stupid puppy dog eyes the night before. I was pretty sure I’d made her feel uncomfortable, but how did I broach the subject without making it worse?
I stopped and took her arm. The wet hair stuck to my forehead with the weight of the rain, and I swiped it away. She turned to me with a look of confusion.
Taking a deep breath, I told her, “I have to say something. Please just let me speak and don’t say anything, okay?”
She narrowed her eyes. “Oooh-kay.”
I could see the worry etched on her face, but I carried on regardless. It needed to be said regardless of how much it irked me to utter the words. They were, after all a lie. I took a deep breath, hoping to inhale some courage from the Scottish air. “Mallory, you and I didn’t get off the best start, we both know that. I feel that now, though, we’re friends, good friends?” I waited for her agree and she nodded. Phew! Okay, it’s a start. “Seeing you look so happy last night made me feel amazing. Knowing I had a part in it. You know? But I think I may have given you the wrong impression. I know for a fact you felt uncomfortable at one point when I caught your eye… in the last song?”
I saw the light of acknowledgement in her eyes. I’d been bang on with my assumption. “Now, I want you to know that I put your friendship above anything… I would never want to jeopardise that. If I made you feel uncomfortable by the way I looked at you, then I am so, so sorry. I just… you know… I sometimes get caught up in the meaning of a song. It didn’t mean anything,” I lied. “Like I said before, I’m crap at this friends business. And if I’m completely honest, and I think I should be, I do find you attractive. But there are so many reasons I can’t and won’t even bother to dwell on that fact. So please don’t worry. Do you understand what I’m waffling on about?”
Her brow creased and she seemed to be thinking my words through. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. “Basically, what I’m trying to say is that, if we’d met under different circumstances, if we were closer in age, if we both weren’t so broken, if I was braver, if you even remotely found me attractive, then maybe things would be different. But I know that things are how they are. We’re friends and that’s enough. Please promise me that you won’t start to withdraw and avoid me for fear of hurting me or doing… saying the wrong thing. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. I’m happy to be just friends.”
She gazed up at me and I felt sure that the water around her eyes was no longer just rain. She lowered her head for a moment and the moisture trickled down her cheeks and off the end of her pink-tinged nose. Her cheeks were rosy now too and the blue of her irises appeared more vivid. So beautiful. The urge to tell her to forget everything I’d just said and just fucking kiss her was almost impossible to fight. But fight it I did. And as if I’d just given her the best gift ever, she threw her arms around me and pulled me against her body. I slipped one arm around her back and cupped her soaking-wet head with the other, returning the embrace.
Fighting back my emotions, I pulled away and swallowed as I gazed into her bright blue eyes. I needed space. I hated that I wanted her so much. Smiling, I said my goodbyes and headed toward home. At least I’d made her feel better, even if in doing so a piece of my own heart had broken.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After our chat on Sunday it seemed like I was getting myself together again and the relief was immense. Although I had found myself inadvertently listening to a few tracks that made me think of Mallory, which I told myself was a minor setback. As I sat there listening to Pearl Jam the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hi, is this Gregory?” a female voice asked.
“Yeah. Who’s this?”
“Hi, dear, this is Renee. I’m Mallory’s… well… mother-in-law for want of a more suitable term. I’m calling to ask you a huge favour that involves her dog.”
“Ruby? Okay, what can I do for you?”
“Well, the thing is, we’ve bought tickets for Mallory to come out to Canada for a while. We think the break will do her good. And to be in Sam’s home again might be a good way for her to say goodbye. I was wondering… Would you be able to look after Ruby while she’s away?”
She’s going away? Okay… I’m not su
re how I feel about this. “Erm… y-yeah, sure. H-how long will she be gone?”
“That’s the thing. She’ll be away for around three weeks. But if there’s a problem—”
“No… no problem. I’m happy to help. Just let me know when to pick her up.”
“Okay. Or we may drop her off at your house.”
“Yeah… yeah, whatever’s easiest.”
“Thank you so much, Gregory. It’ll be a weight off her mind knowing little Ruby will be cared for.”
“No worries. Bye, Renee.”
“Bye, dear. And thank you.”
I hung up and slumped onto the couch dropping my head into my hands.
~~~
On the Monday morning, the day after I’d given Mallory the get-out she needed from her guilt, and the day after I found out that she’d be leaving for three weeks, I suddenly realised I was sitting there in my lounge with tear tracks down my face as A Perfect Circle’s Maynard Keenan sang “3 Libras”, and in that moment I figured it was time to get out of the house.
I spent most of Monday and part of Tuesday working out on the boat. An influx of tourists had arrived with the improved temperatures, and being out there on the water had a calming effect on me. I’d watched the comings and goings over at Mallory’s house from a distance but I’d left her alone. It hadn’t been easy, seeing as I seemed to be bloody drawn to the woman. And I was thankful that she hadn’t had any shifts with me at the pub. The time apart, however short, had done me good. Or so I kept repeating over and over in my head like a mantra.
The tourists had been mainly Americans on a coaching holiday in Scotland. The majority of them were over sixty-five, and I think most of the women wanted to adopt me. I lost count of the number of times I was called ‘Sugar’ or ‘handsome’ and found myself laughing along with the old dears on more than one occasion. Thankfully the seals were on top form and so the cameras were out in force, snapping away whilst I waxed lyrical about the location and its natural beauty.
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