I leaned down and gently placed a kiss on her lips. There was nothing I wanted more in that moment than to deepen the kiss and slip my hands into her hair. The way she returned my stare told me she wanted that too, but instead she pulled away.
I huffed out a breath and shook my head. “You were amazing up there, do you know that?” I told her as I ran my hands roughly through my own hair. “You’re a bloody good singer. You’ve been holding out on me, you sod.”
Her responding smile was wide. “I have to admit it felt pretty amazing too.”
“Come on, let’s go get you a drink. I bet you need one after what I just sprang on you.”
She laughed. “You say that almost as if you’re sorry.”
“Nope, can’t say that I am. How else would I have discovered your hidden talent?”
She hit my arm lightly. “Stop it, you’re making me blush.”
“Aye, so I see. Pink suits you,” I teased and she pulled her tongue out at me, making me chuckle.
After I’d delivered Mallory’s much-needed Jack and Coke—I was very diplomatic this time and didn’t complain—I went and put my name down again to do a solo number or two. I chose my songs carefully and made sure to connect with Mallory’s eyes at key points in each song. I played my own rendition of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colours” but couldn’t make eye contact during that one. I knew my heart would break again if I did. Later I sang “Ever Fallen in Love” by the Buzzcocks and gave her a cheeky grin, making her blush once again.
I figured if she continued to read between the lines like she had done with the CD I’d made her, then maybe… just maybe, there was still a tiny flame of hope to be fanned.
Chapter Forty-Five
As we drove home after our night out, we chatted about some of the acts we’d really enjoyed. The quality of performers had been especially good, and we both agreed that it was great to see so many talented people all in one place. I was doing my best to encourage Mallory to join me there again sometime, but she was taking some convincing. Every time I glanced over at her throughout our journey, the twinge of sadness returned—which was in total conflict with the happiness I felt just being with her and talking to her. My life was going to be such a double-edged sword and there appeared to be little I could do to change that.
Eventually we pulled up outside her cottage and I switched off the engine. Turning to face her, I bit the bullet. “Can I ask you something, Mallory?” I took her hand.
She turned her face away and removed her hand from mine. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“I’m going to ask anyway. I think I’ll be able to tell the real answer by your body language.”
She turned to face me once more. “Greg, don’t, okay? We’ve had a lovely evening, please don’t spoil it.”
I pushed on regardless of her protest. “Mallory, can you look me in the eye and tell me honestly that you don’t want to be more than friends?”
She sighed. “Greg, you lied about being married. It doesn’t matter how I feel. You broke the trust we had. It will take a long time to get that back. I would always be wondering if there was more to come.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I wished so hard that fucking Michael J. Fox was here with his time machine. What I wouldn’t give to go back and change this whole fucking situation.
I spoke again, but the emotion I was trying to keep in check did its best to betray me through my croaky voice. “Mallory, I don’t love her. I still love you. It’s always been you.” I took her hand once more. “I know you feel something for me. I know you do. Why deny it?”
“Greg, stop. I’m not going there again. It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
I was way past the safe zone now. The ice beneath my feet was cracking and I was about to plummet into the deep, dark depths of loneliness again when she told me to get the fuck out of her life, but I continued on my suicide mission because I couldn’t stop myself from at least trying to make her change her mind. “Just let me kiss you. It’ll all melt away; all your doubt.” I leaned forward and ran my hand through her hair, grazing her cheek with my thumb.
Her lip trembled and a tear escaped her eye. “I can’t,” she whispered as she pulled her hand away once again. Without any further words she climbed out of the car and closed the door behind her.
Okay. Enough now, McBradden. Time to move on. I started the engine and pulled away from her cottage with a resigned feeling of failure.
~~~
I had a call from CAT with details of my first gig a few days after the open mic night. And I made my way to a club over by Oban the following Friday night. Once I was set up, I went to the bar to get myself a drink. The woman behind the bar came over to take my order; she smelled like Mallory, and my eyes drifted to meet hers. She was very pretty. Not stunning like Mallory, but attractive. She had friendly, warm brown eyes and full lips. In the back of my mind I wondered if maybe this would present itself as an opportunity to get Mallory out of my head even if she was firmly rooted in my heart.
“Hi there, what can I get you?” she asked as she came to halt before me.
“Just a pint of cola please.”
“So I’m guessing you’re Greg?” She placed my drink on the mat before me with a sultry smile.
I turned up one side of my mouth even though I didn’t feel the smile internally. “Aye, guilty as charged.”
“My dad showed me the clip online of you playing ‘Fields of Gold’ by Sting. I have to be honest and tell you it made me cry.”
I laughed. “Was it that bad?”
She smiled back. “No, silly, it was beautiful.”
“Why thank you… erm?”
“Kate. My name’s Kate Walker.” She held out her hand and I took it.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kate.”
“And you too, Greg.”
Unsure really as to why, I suddenly felt that things were maybe getting too flirty, and a sense of betrayal niggled at the back of my mind. “So, you mentioned your dad?”
“Yes, he owns the place. I just help out every so often. I’m actually training to be a nurse.”
“Hmmm, very admirable.” I nodded as I took a swig of my drink.
“Very tiring.”
When it was time to perform I smiled out at the audience and introduced myself to the gathered crowd. “Evening, all. So, my name’s Greg and I’m a muso-holic.” A chuckle travelled the room and relief washed over me. They weren’t as lively as my usual crowd but maybe they would grow to love me. Who knew?
The night went really well and I played “Fields of Gold” especially for Kate. I’d liked her instantly. She seemed very warm and she was curvy in all the right places… rather like Mallory. Urgh! Will I spend every waking hour comparing every woman to Mallory? We chatted after the gig before I set off back home, and she accompanied me to the car. Once I loaded my guitar into the Landy, I turned to where she stood beside me, arms folded.
“So… you’re here again next week, aren’t you?” she asked with hope in her voice.
“I am, Kate, aye. I’ll look forward to it.”
“Me too. And thanks for playing that song for me. That was really sweet.”
“You’re very welcome. It was a pleasure to meet you.” I shook her hand and she squeezed mine before I climbed into the Landy and rolled the window down. “Will you be here next time too?”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She bit her lip.
Okay… she’s flirting again, so why don’t I feel anything? “Great. See you then.” I wound the window back up and drove away, waving as I left.
I let the smile fall from my face like a stiff mask. Mallory didn’t want me, she’d made it abundantly clear. So why did trying to move on feel… wrong?
My journey home was one of introspection. I wondered if I ever actually would move on. I’d clearly moved on from losing Mairi. Although the pain of losing her was still there, it wasn’t as strong as the agony I felt inside at all the mistakes I’d made with Mallory.
Why was that? As I drove, the lyrics of “Better than Me” by Hinder floated around the car, and my heart clenched as Austin Winkler’s emotion-filled voice spoke the words that expressed exactly how I felt.
Mallory was worth ten of me. And I wanted her to be happy, but the thought of her being with someone else knotted my insides and took my breath away. I pulled over and stopped the car for a moment to calm myself down and fight the tears stinging at my eyes.
Resting my head forward on the steering wheel, I remembered my words to Mallory, uttered in a lucid moment when I was drunk and she had rescued me from myself. “I don’t want to be alone… I hate it.” And I did hate it. But I was torn between being alone for the right reasons and forcing myself to be with someone for the wrong ones.
The more I tossed the thoughts around my mind like papers on the wind, the more I decided that maybe my moving on would help Mallory to do the same. She deserved to be loved by someone worthy. So maybe I should do this… maybe I should find someone else. Maybe I should do it… for her.
~~~
The night after my gig, Mallory and I had a shift together at the pub. I left my car at home and walked down to the village in the crisp late October evening air, enjoying the starry sky that soared overhead. When I arrived Mallory was already there behind the bar and she smiled as I walked in.
As the night progressed and things quietened down, I decided to ask Mallory’s advice about Kate. I really liked her and seeing as I was single—kind of… aside from the small matter of my marriage still being legal—and seeing as Mallory didn’t want me, I was thinking of asking Kate out for a drink or meal or something. But this time I would be honest from the start. See, I do learn from my mistakes.
I hoped that Mallory would see I was doing what she had asked of me and after I’d rambled on about Kate for a while, Mallory simply said, “Well, maybe you should just go for it.” Her voice was devoid of enthusiasm and emotion. I’d clearly bored the head off her.
“Aye, maybe I will.”
~~~
The following week I arrived once again at the club owned by Kate’s father. The place was buzzing and quite a crowd had gathered. Adrenaline coursed through my veins for more than one reason. I was excited about the gig, obviously, but I’d also decided to ask Kate out on a date. She hadn’t been wearing a ring on her left hand when we met, and she had flirted with me so I figured why the fuck not.
She was sitting at the bar rather than standing behind it, and I went over to say hello. She looked lovely in a royal blue dress that dipped low in the front but not in a tasteless way. As I approached her, she turned and smiled.
“Well, hello there, Greg. Looking very handsome again I see.”
I’d made a special effort and worn a new shirt with my black jeans, so I was glad she’d noticed. “Thank you. You’re looking rather stunning yourself, Kate.” She blushed, which was really sweet. “So, not working tonight, eh?”
“No, I decided I wanted to give you my full attention tonight.”
She was definitely interested. “Look, Kate, I was wondering… would you maybe like to go out for a bite to eat with me sometime?”
A wide smile appeared on her face and she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, something she seemed to do when she was flirting. “I’d love to. I was hoping you’d ask.”
That was it. It was easier than I’d expected. We arranged a night out and I went to play. She watched me and sang along when she knew the words, but I didn’t mind really. She had a lovely smile and it stayed in place for the whole evening.
At the end of the gig I asked how she was getting home. I wasn’t sure if she lived locally or even if she maybe lived above the venue with her father.
“I was going to get a cab, why?”
“I could always drop you at home. That way I know where to pick you from on our date.”
“Good idea. Come on, then,” she called over her shoulder as she headed toward the exit.
I followed and opened the door for her to climb in.
Chapter Forty-Six
After following Kate’s directions, we arrived at a small block of flats on the outskirts of Oban and I switched off the engine.
“Do you mind if I don’t invite you in?” Her question gave me a flashback of Mallory, and I had to shake my head slightly to dislodge the thought of her from my mind.
“Erm, no I wasn’t expecting you to. We’ve only just met after all.”
She leaned across to me and kissed my cheek gently. When she pulled away, she smiled and said, “Until we meet again, Greg.”
“Y-yes. See you soon, Kate. Have a great week, eh? Don’t study too hard.”
She huffed. “Sorry, I can’t promise that. I always have my head stuck in a book. Our lovely date will be a welcome distraction.”
We said goodnight and once I saw she was safely inside, I pulled away from her home. As I drove home I analysed the kiss she had bestowed upon me. It wasn’t passionate. There were no fireworks. Maybe I just needed to get Mallory out ma head? Maybe I needed to give myself time? I hoped that was all it was, seeing as Mallory and I clearly had no future and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. When subjected to my own company for too long I drove mysel’ mad, so there was no wonder people felt the same. Oh God, listen to me on a fucking downer. Right… shut up, McBradden, and get on with the story…
~~~
Mallory disappeared down to Yorkshire again; a fact that I tried not to get too worked up about. She hadn’t agreed to sell the house as such. There had been more interest and I knew the inevitable was coming, but at least for now she was sticking around. Kate and I had our second date the last weekend in October whilst Mallory was away. We went to a Halloween fun fair for the evening which was great… well… fun!
I’d never been too keen on spinning things, and so when she suggested the Waltzer I gave a firm warning. “You do know that I may throw up if I go on there, Kate?”
She laughed and pulled me along behind her. “Oh, come on! Don’t be such a big girl. I’ll hold your hand if you like.”
We stopped in front of the huge, brightly painted contraption with its ornately decorated cars and I cringed. She was loving this. Loving teasing me.
“Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” I said as I wagged my finger in her face and flicked her nose. “On your head be it… and I mean that in the very literal sense of the phrase. Just remember that hotdogs don’t look the same on the way back up.”
She burst into fits of laughter. “Oh, that’s disgusting! Come on, I’m even more determined now.”
We took our place in the carriage and the security bar lowered. My heart pounded and I felt the colour drain from my face. Oooh shit. The spotty attendant took my money and went on his way and Kate gripped my left hand in her right one and squeezed.
“Look at me,” she instructed and so I turned to face her. We hadn’t really taken the next step toward any type of intimacy as yet; ending our first date with another chaste kiss on the cheek. But as she sat there beside me I could see the longing on her eyes. “Just focus on me and you’ll be fine.” The smile slipped from her lips as she leaned in and took my mouth with hers and I reciprocated the kiss. Our first kiss. Her lips were soft and her free hand snaked up into the hair at the nape of my neck. But it wasn’t anything like my first kiss with Mallory.
She tried to deepen the kiss as the carriage began to move, but I pulled away, instead gazing into her caramel-brown eyes. I wanted to want her. I really did. But I didn’t return the passion she clearly had for me and that made guilt bubble to the surface.
As we spun and she kept her eyes fixed on mine, a wave of nausea came over me. I swallowed it down, closing my eyes briefly and trying to gain my equilibrium as the ride took us round and round, making my head spin.
I just needed time. Didn’t I?
I couldn’t jump in with both feet like I’d been prepared to do with Mallory. That was different. It was my heart that had been in complete contro
l. This time I would use my head and think logically. My heart had steered me wrong too many times in the past.
“Are you okay?” Kate asked over the noise of the engine and loud eighties music. Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf” blaring out at far too many decibels didn’t help my unsettled feeling. Not that I hated the song. I quite liked it, for eighties music, but the volume was a little more brain shattering that I could take—and I couldn’t help comparing Kate to the lyrics, which was maybe a little unnecessary.
“Think so,” I replied. She rested her forehead on mine and smiled. When the ride finished we climbed down, and as I stepped onto terra firma once again, I resembled something akin to Bambi trying to walk on ice. At least I didn’t do the splits, I suppose. Not a great way to impress a prospective girlfriend really, but in my opinion she only had herself to blame. She couldn’t stop giggling at me and her laughter was contagious. I must’ve looked a complete tool.
We laughed all the way to the darts stand, where I attempted, in my dizzy state, to win her a cuddly Disney character. After my failed attempts to impress her with my darts throwing—I reckon they were rigged… well that’s my excuse anyway—we went to buy cotton candy.
As we sat munching on the melt-in-the-mouth pink fluff, I fessed up about being married. Subtlety was never my strong suit and she seemed a little shocked at my bluntness at first, but I told her I would always be honest with her and she seemed to appreciate that. She said that as long as things were really over with me and Alice, then she didn’t see any reason why it would be an obstacle.
“People make mistakes” was her answer to the whole thing. How right she was. Maybe she and I had a chance at a future after all? Maybe.
This time when we arrived at her home she invited me in for coffee, but seeing the glint in her eye, I declined. I explained my refusal in terms of Angus needing a pee, which she couldn’t really argue about. What she didn’t know was that he was staying at the pub with Stella that night. Guilt reared its head again, but I managed to batter it down by convincing myself I was doing the right thing for both of us. I actually believed I was.
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