A Life Without Flowers

by Marci Bolden

  “Enough,” Judith stated. “I don’t understand how you can just… A nice play set in the back? A play set, Carol? She died there. In that yard.”

  Carol’s heart rolled over in her chest. “I’m aware of that, Mother. I’m the one who found her there.”

  Judith’s eyes changed from hard to sympathetic. “I know that.” Her voice filled with confusion. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

  “Because—”

  “Don’t you dare say it’s what Katie would have wanted,” her mother warned. “She was a child. She didn’t know what she wanted.”

  “I disagree,” Carol said solemnly. “Katie was smart and compassionate. Whenever she was given an opportunity to help someone, she took it. This is going to help people, Mom. People who are watching their children suffer through medical crises. Things parents should never have to watch. We’re giving them a place to call home while they go through something horrific. Katie would want that. She would want that very much.”

  “She would,” Ellen said barely above a whisper. “It’s a wonderful thing. Judith. It’s a wonderful thing Carol is doing.”

  Judith pursed her lips. “How can you… How can you even look at that house after what happened there?”

  Carol scrolled to the first photo that she’d opened. A sign had been placed in the front yard. The design Carol had selected replicated building blocks with bright letters that spelled out Katie’s House. Beneath that was the logo from the children’s hospital to let people know the home belonged to the medical community.

  Squatting down next to her mom, Carol showed her the picture. “Look at this. This is what I’m doing. I’m making a safe place for families who are terrified of losing their child. I know that pain, Mom. If giving them this space, even for a few weeks, makes that better, it is worth me facing the past.”

  Judith exhaled loudly, but this wasn’t one of her fed-up-with-the-world sounds. Her breath trembled as it left her. “She would like that,” Judith whispered.

  Carol smiled up at her as yet another step toward healing was made. “Yes, she would. Once the remodel is done, there will be a small ceremony where I hand the keys over to the hospital. It won’t be anything fancy, but I thought you might like to be there. Both of you,” she said, glancing at her aunt.

  Ellen stared at her sister, but the two older women remained silent.

  Carol kissed her mom’s cheek. “Think about it. I need to call the contractor and see if he has any idea when they’ll wrap up construction so I can set a date with the hospital.”

  They sat, unspeaking, as she left the room. Sinking onto the sofa, Carol connected a call to the contractor. The man she’d hired had been so kind and considerate while discussing the project that Carol hadn’t hesitated to leave him in charge when she left Dayton to go back to Houston. She hadn’t seen any of his work in person, but he sent an email update every week or so and had been diligent in calling with questions or concerns. He’d taken this project to heart, which had eased her worries.

  When he answered her call, his cheerful voice made her smile. “I thought I’d be hearing from you soon. What do you think of that backyard?”

  “It’s amazing, Daryl. You’re doing a fantastic job. Thank you.”

  “Everything is coming together nicely.”

  “I was wondering if you had any idea when I would be able to set the ceremony with the hospital.”

  “I think three to four weeks would be a safe bet,” he said. “That puts us right around—”

  Her heart dropped to her stomach. “The end of September,” she said flatly.

  He was quiet, as if he had felt the change in her. “Right around then. Is that a problem?”

  Carol took a deep breath and forced a smile to her face. “No. No, that’s…perfect. I’d like to get this done before the weather turns.”

  Returning to his upbeat self, as if the drastic change in her tone hadn’t happened, he said, “Go ahead and set the date and then let me know. I’ll make certain everything is ready.”

  “Thanks, Daryl,” she said with forced happiness.

  “You’re welcome.”

  He ended the call, and she lowered the phone. The end of September. Oh, how she’d been dreading the end of September.

  “Carol?”

  She blinked and noticed her mom standing in front of her.

  “You were so excited a few minutes ago,” Judith said. “What happened?”

  “Um. The house will be ready around the end of September. It’ll be a year since…”

  “Tobias,” Judith finished in a softer tone.

  Carol fell back into a slouch on the sofa as her mind filled with images of her husband. The end of September. She laughed flatly. “This year is like…one kick to the shins after another, you know? I can’t ease from one thing to another. Everything seems to happen at once.”

  “So don’t set the ceremony in September. Put it off.”

  “If I put it off, we’ll be getting into autumn. It’ll be cold. Rainy.”

  “Carol.” Though Judith didn’t call her daughter out on being ridiculous, her tone did.

  “I know,” she murmured. “I could wait until spring if I wanted. There’s no rush. It’s only…” She smiled slightly. “This seems serendipitous somehow. Mary wants me to be with her when the year anniversary comes around. His family wants to be there for the ceremony to hand over the house. Maybe this is Tobias’s way of making sure that happens. Maybe…”

  “Maybe you’re reading a whole lot into a coincidence.”

  Carol grinned. “I do that a lot more these days. I try to see signs in everything. That started after John and I visited Yellowstone. This flock of birds flew up as we spread Katie’s ashes, and it felt like she was telling us she was okay. Ever since then, I find myself looking for hidden meanings in everything.”

  The concern that filled her mother’s eyes was becoming as familiar as the frustration Carol had grown up seeing.

  “I’m okay, Mom,” she insisted. “Stop looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. Please.”

  “I fear you have, Carol.”

  “I haven’t. I’m a little lost right now, but I’ll be okay.”

  Judith was quiet for several moments. “Ellen said she talked to you about seeing a therapist.”

  Carol sighed. “She did.”

  “Have you considered it?”

  Rather than drag out the debate, Carol took her mom’s hand. “I’ll look into. Later.”

  “Later? You mean after you drive around the country leaving human remains in your wake?”

  She couldn’t help but smile at her mother’s description of her plans. “Yeah. After that.”

  “Carol—”

  “Mom.” Her voice held a firm but gentle warning. “I don’t want to keep talking about this. I’m at peace with this. Katie and John are at peace with this. I know that in my heart. Maybe what I’m doing doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me. Spreading their ashes is the right thing. You don’t have to agree with it, but please don’t try to tell me I’m wrong. I’ll never agree with that.”

  “I don’t disagree. I can see why you’re doing what you’re doing. Today was hard, but knowing Katie got to be someplace she would have loved does make me happy. In some…odd way.”

  Warmth, maybe even a touch of serenity, filled Carol’s heart. That was probably as close as her mother would ever get to understanding Carol’s need to spread Katie’s ashes. She gently squeezed Judith’s hand. “I know going back to that house is difficult. I had to take John back there. I had to look out at that yard. That day played over in my head, moment by moment. Like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.”

  “That must have been horrible,” Judith said.

  “I vomited,” Carol admitted with a scoff. “It’d been twenty-four years, but nothing had changed. John had updated the furniture, but everything was the same—even the photos on the wall. Walking into that house was so jarring, I ran to the kitchen and puk
ed in the sink. But then I went to her room and…” Carol’s voice grew thick as tears filled her eyes. “I sat there and remembered tucking her into bed and kissing her good night. I swear I could hear her chattering away to her stuffed animals, making up stories for them like she used to.”

  Carol closed her eyes as those memories washed over her again. Katie’s sweet voice swinging from high to low as she pretended to be a doll or a teddy bear. “Going back there wasn’t easy for me, Mom,” she said, dragging her mind from the past, “and it won’t be for you if you decide to go. But if I hadn’t gone, that place would still haunt me. I could never forget, but now, I can look at pictures of that place and see a home, a safe place for a family, instead of the terrible things that happened there. I can see how happy Katie would be if she knew what we were doing to honor her.”

  “The last time I was there was…”

  “Her sixth birthday,” Carol finished when her mother couldn’t seem to.

  Judith snagged a tissue and dabbed at her nose. “Your dad and I gave her that little kitchen play set, remember?”

  Another memory—a flash of Katie playing with the set—made Carol smile. “She loved that, Mom. She really did. She pretended to make pancakes for her teddy bear every day.”

  “I remember. She was so happy.”

  “Yes, she was.”

  Judith stiffened. “And then you and John got into a fight at the party.”

  Carol lowered her face. “You knew?”

  “Everyone knew. The way he stormed inside, and you rushed after him like you always did when he got mad for no reason,” she said bitterly. “We tried to stop Katie from following, but she was determined to get you so we could have cake. She slipped away when we weren’t looking.”

  A familiar sense of shame washed over Carol. “We tried to protect her from our problems. We really did. I know we weren’t successful, but we did try. Things were so out of control by then.”

  Judith shook her head. “He was so—”

  “Addicted, Mom. He was an alcoholic, and his addiction had taken over our lives. He was about to hit rock bottom. He would have crashed even if we hadn’t lost Katie. Things were bad. Incredibly bad. I see that now. I didn’t then, but I do now. I should have made him get help.”

  Judith pressed her lips together but didn’t push the issue.

  Another sign of progress.

  “This isn’t about John,” Carol said, redirecting the conversation. “None of this is about John. This is about making sure Katie’s memory lives on. Her life and her death will be tied to the house for as long as it stands, but now people will know about her. They’ll see her picture and know she’s the reason the hospital was able to give them a place to call home during their trying times. Don’t make this about John or his drinking or our fighting. This is for Katie.”

  “I don’t know if…”

  She squeezed her mom’s hand. “If you can’t be there, I understand. I hope you’ll think about it though. It’s early, but I’m going to get ready for bed. I need to think about the timing of the ceremony.” She pushed herself up, feeling like the weight of the world was pressing down on her.

  “Carol,” Judith called before Carol could leave the room.

  Turning around, Carol waited as her mom seemed to debate what to say.

  “I’m glad you were able to resolve your past with John,” Judith said before hesitantly meeting her eyes. “Forgiveness is an important step. I can’t forgive him. Not just because of Katie’s accident but because of how much he hurt you. I saw how much you loved him, and he… He wasn’t a good husband to you, Carol. He drank too much. He was never around when you needed him. You couldn’t rely on him, and you suffered because of that. He made your life hell. I’ll never forgive him for what happened to Katie, but more than that, I’ll never forgive him for hurting you.” Judith jutted her chin out in that defiant way she’d perfected long before Carol had been born. “You may not have believed it, but your father and I loved you more than anything, and seeing John hurt you over and over was one of the hardest things we ever went through. He’s still making you suffer after all these years. I’m not going to forgive that.”

  Carol could have used this opportunity to point out that no one had hurt her as much as her parents, but she couldn’t poke her mother. Not when she was being so open. “I’m sure that was difficult,” she said instead. “I’m sorry you had to see me hurting. I know you tried to warn me that I was walking into a hurricane and I didn’t listen. But Mom, John wasn’t solely responsible for the things that happened back then. We both had issues that played into our marital problems. I brought plenty of baggage to the relationship. Maybe you need to work on forgiving all of us for things in the past.” That was as close as she was going to get to pointing out that Dennis and Judith Stewart had played a hand in how messed up their daughter was.

  Judith lowered her face, and Carol thought maybe she’d finally broken through her mother’s anger. Or at least cracked the surface.

  “Good night, Mom. I love you.”

  She walked away without waiting for a response. This was a good place to end the conversation. For both of them.

  “That’s it,” John said, setting a stack of boxes on the floor of the living room.

  Caroline inhaled deeply. The scent of carpet shampoo and cleaning supplies lingered in the air. Though the older house was run-down, she and Frannie had scrubbed every corner the day before. Now that the carpets were dry, boxes had been piled in every room, ready to be unpacked.

  Smiling, she turned, hugging Katie a little bit closer. “I can’t believe it,” she said to John. “Our first house.”

  His face broke into a brilliant smile, the one that always warmed her heart. Crossing the room, he rested his hands on her hips and pulled her closer before putting a soft kiss to her lips. “We’re going to be so happy here, baby. Wait and see.”

  “I know,” she said.

  He put another kiss on Katie’s little head before turning away and clapping his hands together. “Let’s get started.”

  “I think we should put Katie’s room together first,” Caroline said. She looked around at the boxes, debating how long it would take to unpack. “And then the master bedroom so we have a place…”

  Her words trailed off when she heard the telltale sign of a beer can clicking open, followed by the familiar hiss of carbonation. Next, she’d hear the obnoxious sound of John chugging. “Stop,” she warned before he could get the can to his lips.

  He looked at her, his blue eyes wide behind the shaggy brown hair hanging in his eyes. He was overdue for a haircut, but Caroline hadn’t had time to trim it for him. Rather than go to a barber on his own, like any normal adult would, he’d let it go until his sergeant or his wife intervened. However, his wife had been working extra shifts at the hospital to help earn enough for a down payment on this house and was too tired to worry about his hair. So, until his supervisor told him to get a cut, his bangs would continue hanging in his eyes like a rugged schoolboy. He probably thought the style was cute, but Caroline simply saw a reminder of how irresponsible he could be.

  “You are not drinking right now,” she warned him.

  He looked at the beer in his hand. “I’m thirsty.”

  “Have some water.”

  The smirk that crossed his lips let her know the battle was on. They’d had this particular one too many times in their young marriage. However, before they could get started, someone knocked on the front door. John slammed his beer on the counter and eyed his wife in a way that told her this discussion wasn’t over, merely on hold.

  He opened the door, and sarcasm oozed from his words as he turned and said, “Look, honey. It’s your parents. How exciting.”

  Caroline focused on the little bundle in her arms and was able to calm herself, despite the rage boiling inside her.

  “Come on in, folks,” John said, his voice still sardonic. “Have a look around. I was heading out, but I’m sure Caroline woul
d love to tell you all about our new place. Wouldn’t you, sweetheart?”

  She fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself but was certain the words were plainly written on her face. Her mom and dad walked in, and the tension rose another three or so notches. Once they were inside, John stormed out. She wished the stress had gone with him, but she was still itching to unleash her fury. So much so, she wasn’t willing to let him go without letting him know how angry he’d made her.

  Caroline forced a smile as she handed Katie to her mom. The baby was six months old now and squirming constantly. Caroline made sure her mom had a good hold on Katie and then stepped back.

  “Excuse me.” She pretended not to notice the frustrated glance that passed between her parents as she followed John outside. Despite the cold December weather, she didn’t bother grabbing her coat on the way out. “Where are you going?” she demanded before he could get to his car.

  He didn’t stop walking as he said, “We both know it’s best for everyone if I don’t hang around with your parents.”

  “John—”

  “They get upset and then you get upset and we end up fighting. Let’s avoid all that.”

  “Dad came over to help you set up the crib,” she said as he opened his car door.

  “Your mom can watch Katie while you help him.” He gave her a cocky smile as he winked at her. “It’ll be a good bonding experience for you.”

  “You’re going to the pub, aren’t you?” She didn’t need to ask. She knew where he was headed. “In the middle of the afternoon. When you’re supposed to be helping me move into our new home.”

  “I’m not going to have your parents looking down their noses at me in my own house.”

  “Then stop giving them reason to.” She turned to go back inside, but John grabbed her hand. He was likely going to apologize. This was the part of their fight when he realized he’d gone too far and tried to talk his way out of being on the receiving end of her wrath.

  She jerked her hand free and waved him off. “Go to the bar, John. Get drunk. But be aware that if I have to choose between paying the mortgage and bailing your worthless ass out of jail for drinking and driving, I won’t miss a mortgage payment. Ever.”