A Life Without Flowers

by Marci Bolden

  Carol had heard, however. She’d heard something she had been waiting to hear most of her life. Her mother had acknowledged that Carol’s childhood had been broken and her parents had been responsible. Judith would likely never say those words again, but this one time was enough. This one time was all Carol needed.

  She gripped her mom’s hand and nodded because she couldn’t find words to respond.

  “I don’t want you to hurt anymore,” Judith said. “You’ve been through enough. I know losing Tobias has been hard, but I really think there’s something deeper than grief going on with you. I have suffered from depression most of my life,” Judith said. “I know what that darkness can do, how it eats away at you. I see it in you too, and I’m scared for you because I don’t think you’re handling it well.”

  “Mom, I’m still trying to find my footing.”

  “All the more reason to get some support. Please.”

  “Okay,” Carol managed to say. “I’ll call someone.”

  “Thank you. Now, what do we have to do to help you sleep?”

  The abrupt change in topic jolted her, but she went with it. This conversation was too intense. “Um, I’m going to read. I need an hour or so, and then I’ll drift off.”

  Judith hesitated before standing. Instead of going to her bed, she moved around the table and put her hand to Carol’s cheek. The move was so unexpected, Carol didn’t know how to respond.

  Leaning down, Judith kissed her head. When was the last time she’d done that? Had she ever? When she stood upright, she offered Carol a smile. “I love you. I’m proud of you and everything that you’ve overcome. I want you to have some peace.”

  Carol had to take a deep breath before finding her voice. “I’ll get there, Mom.”

  “I know. You’re strong. You’ll find a way to be happy again. That’s my biggest hope. Good night.”

  “Good night.”

  Once she was alone, she let the impact of the conversation hit her. Her mom was being treated for depression? How had she never seen the signs? Oh. She had. The self-isolation. The quick temper. The constant switches in her mood.

  She’d seen the signs. She’d attributed them to her mother’s cool personality. One more instance of Carol being too caught up in her own issues to see what was happening around her.

  Carol looked at her tea and frowned. She was going to need something stronger than chamomile to sleep.

  Nine

  Carol froze when her mother picked up the last slice of tomato to add to her sandwich. Unlike her mom, she actually ate the tomato on her sandwich. “You’re just going to take that off after two bites.”

  Judith frowned across the picnic table at her. They’d stopped at a nice rest area on their way to Washington D.C. and decided to have lunch under a tall tree. A light breeze kept the temperature tolerable, but Carol was irritable from being up too late. She knew that and tried to talk her blood pressure down, but they were supposed to be at the Shenandoah Caverns right now.

  Katie and John would have been mesmerized by the intricate formations made millions of years ago as an underground river swept away soil and minerals. Judith, however, had complained about the hike and the weather and everything else until Carol snapped that she’d visit the caverns another time. They were heading straight to the nation’s capital instead.

  After lunch, she was going to have to revisit the planned route she’d made before leaving Florida and call every place they had reservations along the way to change when they’d be arriving. The task wasn’t insurmountable, but she wished, just once, her mother didn’t make everything more complicated.

  And now she was eating the last tomato slice.

  “I like tomatoes,” Judith said pointedly, “but too much upsets my stomach. I’ll eat what I can and then take off the rest. If that’s okay with you.”

  Before Carol could suggest her mother at least cut the tomato in half to share it, Ellen roughly ripped open a bag of chips.

  “We are less than a week into this adventure,” she said with a tone as light as if she were commenting on the weather and in complete contradiction to the frustration she’d shown the bag in her hands. “Starting ridiculous fights with each other isn’t on the agenda until next week. So stop. Both of you.”

  Carol rolled her tense shoulders. It’s a tomato, Carol, she told herself. Let it go.

  She would buy more the next time they stopped. She wasn’t going to fight over a tomato slice. “Sorry,” she conceded. “I didn’t get enough sleep.”

  “Because you were up until after three sitting at that table sniffling,” Judith said.

  Ellen’s scowl deepened as she dropped a handful of chips on Judith’s plate. Right on top of her open sandwich…and the last tomato slice. “I heard you up as well.”

  Judith brushed the chips aside. “I was checking on my daughter.”

  “Would you please tell me what’s eating you today?” Carol snapped. “Because we were fine when you went to bed last night, and now you are…” She censored herself. “You are not fine now.”

  Staring across the table, huffing dramatically as she liked to do, Judith asked, “Did you call a doctor yet?”

  Carol almost laughed. She would have, but her mother was serious. “You want me to call and schedule an appointment with a therapist while we’re on the road?”

  “Yes,” Judith stated.

  “No,” Carol countered. “I’m not doing that.”

  “Why?”

  Carol wadded up her napkin and tossed it on the table. “Because I have to figure out where I’m going to be after I take you home. Then I have to find the therapists in that area covered by my insurance. I have to research those therapists and find the right one. There is a process to this.”

  “You’re procrastinating,” her mom accused.

  “I’m not procrastinating,” Carol said. “It’s been like twelve hours—”

  “This is what you do,” Judith stated. “You find ways to drag things out—”

  “I don’t even know where I’m going to be. How am I supposed to find a therapist?”

  Ellen snapped a can of soda open, sloshed the contents between three small cups, and then slammed the empty can down. “You’re both insane. Now shut up and eat your goddamn lunch.”

  Carol jolted and stared at her aunt. A quick glance across the table confirmed that her mother had the same shocked expression on her face. A chuckle erupted from Carol. “Jeez. And we’re insane?”

  “You both need help,” Ellen muttered.

  Carol put her arm around Ellen’s shoulders and gave her a half hug. “I know. But so do you. It’s genetic.”

  Ellen frowned at her.

  “We get it from our mother,” Judith said. “She was nuttier than a pecan pie.”

  “You’re exactly like her,” Ellen said.

  Judith shrugged as she took the tomato off her sandwich and tossed it onto Carol’s plate. “It’ll give me heartburn anyway.”

  “Thanks.”

  Ellen focused on putting her sandwich together. “What made you agree to therapy?”

  Carol smiled across the table. “Mom told me she is being treated for depression. You know I’ll do anything to not be like her.”

  Judith used a napkin to clean up some of the mess Ellen had made when she’d poured their drinks. “I told Carol I’ve been seeing someone for a while and how much it’s helped.”

  “Look,” Carol said, growing more serious, “I know I’m working through some things that are concerning to you both. I don’t deny that the last year has been incredibly challenging. I’m not making promises, but I will find someone to talk to. I’ll listen and take the advice I feel is appropriate to me. Before I take the time to research a counselor, I need to determine if I’ll be on the road or staying with you or Mary or someone else. The rest will come after that.”

  Judith pressed her lips together, but she didn’t counter. She didn’t argue. She didn’t even point out that she disagreed. Carol would
count that as growth.

  Every time they made progress, they had a minor slip as they found their new footing. This day was no different. Last night had been a huge hurdle to overcome. Judith had admitted not only that she had a weakness but she’d been seeking help for it. She wanted help for her daughter, too, and Carol couldn’t fault her for that.

  In fact, she had a better understanding of why her mom and aunt were pushing her so hard to seek professional help. They’d been going through the same process with Judith and must have seen some improvements. Even Carol had noticed a change in her mom. She was still stubborn as hell but had somehow learned to give a little.

  Carol smiled across the table. “Thanks for telling me about your depression, Mom. It helped me. It really did.”

  A hint of a smile found Judith’s lips. “I don’t want you to suffer if you don’t have to.”

  “Well, I’m glad this is settled,” Ellen said. “Maybe we can all get along for an hour or so.”

  “Probably like twenty minutes.” Carol gently nudged her aunt. “Give us a break. We’ve been doing this my entire life. We can’t change overnight. We’re trying.”

  “We’re getting better,” Judith agreed. “I gave her my tomato.”

  Carol giggled. “I love when you make jokes. It reminds me that you’re human under that tough exoskeleton.”

  “Don’t push your luck,” Judith informed her.

  Before Carol could retort, her phone rang. Looking at the screen, she didn’t recognize the number, but the area code was for Dayton. Curious, she connected. “Hello?”

  “Caroline?” the caller asked.

  The deep timbre sent a shiver down Carol’s spine, and her mouth dropped open.

  She knew that voice. Decades may have gone by since she’d last heard him speak, but she’d never forgotten Simon Miller’s voice. Years ago, when her marriage to John was at rock bottom, she had turned to Simon for comfort. Their affair was something she’d managed to bury in the back of her mind until John had resurfaced in her life and asked her point blank if she’d planned to leave him for someone else.

  She’d never even told Tobias. He wouldn’t have judged her or lost his faith in her. He knew how bad things were between her and John. However, the humiliation and shame were too much to share. Not only because she’d committed adultery but because she had come to realize that she’d used Simon. Not intentionally, but when he’d started pressing her to leave John, she had tiptoed around saying no. As much as she knew her life with Simon would be better, the co-dependent cycle she and John had fallen into was strong, and damned if she could walk away.

  Until it was too late.

  “It’s Simon Miller,” he said.

  “I know,” she managed to squeeze out around the lump that had formed in her throat. “I…I recognized your voice.”

  Ellen’s eyes widened as she grasped Carol’s hand, silently asking if she was okay.

  No doubt she looked as shaken as she felt. She tried to nod at her aunt, but she didn’t think she’d succeeded. Her mind was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on to follow orders.

  “I’m sorry to call unexpectedly like this,” Simon said.

  Say something! Carol’s brain screamed.

  Ellen reached for the phone, as if she were intending to rescue Carol from whatever hell she was caught in. That was enough to snap her out of her shock.

  She lifted her hand and looked away. “It’s fine. I’m…”

  “Surprised,” Simon said.

  Carol found enough connection with her brain to laugh softly. “Yeah. That’s the word.” The shocked gasping-fish thing she was certain she’d been doing turned into a big smile. “My God, Simon. How are you?”

  “I’m doing well.” The uncertainty left his voice, and she could picture his sweet smile. That smile had a way at putting anyone at ease. “How are you?” he asked.

  “Good. I’m good.”

  He was silent for a moment too long, and her excitement started to turn to dread.

  “I know you weren’t expecting to hear from me,” he said, “but I’m the chief of staff at the children’s hospital.”

  Pride filled her chest. He had what it took to fill that role, and she imagined the staff loved having him lead them. He’d always gone above and beyond for his patients. She suspected he did the same for his staff. “That’s amazing. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. I was notified a few weeks ago that you were planning to donate your old house for parents to use. I was a little slow to make the connection, I admit, but when I saw Katie’s name… I figured out it was you. I wanted to call and thank you personally, Caroline. Um, Carol. You signed the letter Carol.”

  She couldn’t believe she was going to say this, but the words came from her before she could stop them. “You can call me Caroline.”

  “What?” Judith asked harshly from across the table. Carol hadn’t uttered those words in over twenty-four years. She’d left Caroline in Ohio with John and had started a new life as Carol a long time ago.

  Carol put a hand to her ear, drowning out her mom and aunt so she could focus on the phone call.

  “Good, because I’m not sure I could stop if I wanted to,” Simon said with a warmth in his voice that soothed her nerves now as much as it had so long ago. “Usually the president of the board shows up at these things, but I thought if you didn’t mind, I’d swing by the dedication as well. I’d like to see you.”

  Her heart dropped again. Simon? At the ceremony? To see her? The last time he’d seen her, she was a complete disaster. She’d never, not once, considered that she’d ever see him again. A strange mixture of fear and excitement exploded in her chest like a firecracker.

  “If you’d rather I didn’t—” Simon said.

  “I’d love for you to be there,” she spit out. She closed her eyes and shook her head. She’d spoken too fast. More slowly, more controlled, she said, “I’d love to catch up with you. It’s been too long.”

  “Yes, it has,” he said, his tone softer and sounding much less anxious.

  “I don’t think the details for the ceremony have been finalized yet, but I have family coming in from out of state, so I’m sure I’ll be at the house most of the day. So…whenever you can make it… I’d love to see you.” She hadn’t grasped how true that was until she’d said the words.

  “Good. I was afraid you wouldn’t want me there.”

  Carol closed her eyes. As he’d always done, Simon somehow brought a calm to her mind. “I do. I’m glad you called. Thank you for reaching out to me.”

  He laughed quietly. “I would have as soon as I realized this was you, but I wasn’t sure if I should. Once we were notified the house was almost done, I knew if I kept chickening out, I was going to miss my chance to see you.”

  “Well, kudos for your bravery.”

  “I’ll see you soon, Caroline.”

  “See you, Simon.”

  She pulled the phone from her ear but didn’t have time to end the call before her aunt tugged at her arm to get her attention.

  “Who is Simon?” Ellen demanded. “And don’t you dare tell me no one. I saw your face when you heard his voice.”

  A sense of shame hit Carol hard. The only other person she’d ever confessed this to was John, and only then just because he had all but told her he suspected she’d had an affair. She looked from her aunt to her mom and then to her phone. “We, um… We worked together at the hospital in Dayton before I moved.”

  “So,” Judith said, the word dripping with suspicion. “He was a co-worker?”

  “Um, yeah. Yes.” Carol sat taller and cleared her throat. “He was a pediatric pulmonologist.”

  “Hmm.” Judith’s little muttering sounded more like an accusation. Probably because she had her lips pressed tight and one eyebrow quirked.

  The heat in Carol’s cheeks started to burn like a scarlet letter.

  “I think someone had a crush on the pediatric pulmonologist,” Ellen tea
sed. “Maybe she still does.”

  Carol darted her eyes to her aunt, but there was no point in denying what was bound to become obvious. If not now, then when they met the man. “I’m not… I’m not proud of this, but a long time ago…”

  Ellen gasped. “You had an affair with the pediatric pulmonologist?”

  Carol gawked at her. “Why do you keep saying his specialty like that?”

  “Because it’s fun.” Ellen laughed as she bumped into Carol and looked across the table. “Your daughter was doing bad things with the pulmonologist.”

  Judith frowned and shook her head. “Carol. I may not have liked John, but you were married.”

  “Yes, Mother, I’m aware. Simon…” She shook her head lightly. “He was so perfect. So amazingly perfect. You would have loved him so much, you would have hired a divorce attorney for me,” she told her mother.

  “So why didn’t you leave John?” Ellen asked.

  Carol shrugged. “Because Katie loved her daddy. As much as I wanted to leave at times, I couldn’t tear her world apart.”

  “Sometimes you have to put your children first,” Judith said.

  Carol tilted her head, and Ellen shifted beside her. Something about what Judith said was deeper than a mere observation. Carol was certain there was another layer about to be peeled away, but Judith focused on reassembling her turkey sandwich and Ellen did that redirection thing she’d mastered long ago.

  “So, tell us about Simon. He sounds intriguing.”

  Carol debated pressing the issue with her mother but decided she’d had enough surprises in the last twelve hours. “Oh, he was.”

  The two weeks since Katie’s death had left Caroline numb with shock. The prescription drugs had helped. But those were gone. Now the shock had started to fade, and the drugs were slowly leaving her system. Something else was taking hold of her.

  The moment the mailman brought a package to the door, the last bit of the daze she’d been in cleared. Katie’s remains had arrived, and with them Caroline’s anger revealed itself. Anger that ran so deep Caroline was shaken by what she felt.