by Marci Bolden
She looked at his scribbled handwriting and thought of another time he’d written his information on a scrap of paper for her. That time, it’d been his address when he’d invited her over to initiate their affair. This time, she didn’t have to hide the note. She had no one to hide it from. Taking her phone from her pocket, she texted her name to his cell phone, which dinged a moment later.
“Now you have mine,” she said. “It was really good to see you.” She slid into his embrace again, and he hugged her close. When she leaned back, she touched his cheek as she’d done when he’d first arrived. “Take care of my girl’s house, okay?”
“As if it was my own.” He planted a soft kiss on her cheek before climbing into his car. She stepped back, watching until he drove away. When she turned back to the house, she realized she had an audience. Her mom, aunt, and mother- and sister-in-law stood in the driveway without even bothering to act like they weren’t being nosey.
“Mind your business,” she warned them all as she approached.
“He’s cute,” Lara said.
“Cuter than the picture you showed us online,” Ellen said.
Carol rolled her eyes, knowing The Inquisition was about to begin. She looked to Mary for help, but Mary crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her brow.
The stern look lasted a moment before Mary chuckled. “Your aunt already told us all about him. I guess he’s okay since he’s the reason you ended up in St. Louis.”
Carol gawked at Ellen, who simply shrugged. “Hey, Lara, I’m going to need that tequila now.”
Fourteen
After seeing the Denmans off the next morning, Carol ushered her mom and aunt into another car. This one didn’t take them to Katie’s House, though. This time, they went to the cemetery where Frannie and Mark Bowman were buried. While her mom and aunt sat in the back seat of the car, Carol walked to where the map directed her until she found the wide headstone she was looking for.
The granite had their names and dates of birth and death, and her heart ached for them. They had been good to her. They had been the loving parents she’d never had. The moment John had introduced her to them, they’d made her feel wanted. That was so much more than she could have said for her parents back then.
Though she hadn’t seen them since she’d left Dayton, standing at their graves made her heart break for their losses. The world had been a better place with them in it.
“Frannie,” she whispered as she kneeled down. She pulled a few weeds from the base of the headstone and tossed them aside. “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for taking Katie and never giving you a chance to say goodbye to her. I know I must have hurt you. I never wanted that. I hope you understand I was broken and leaving was the only way out for me.”
She put her hand on the monument, looking at her former father-in-law’s name. “Mark, you saw through the façade. I know you did. You knew how bad John’s drinking was, but you never made us feel ashamed about it. I don’t know if that was the right thing or not, but I know confronting him was never easy. Thank you for trying to step up for Katie and me when John couldn’t. If you could see the house now, you’d be amazed. All those little repairs you’d always had to make were enough to keep the house going, but it’s absolutely stunning now. You’d be proud.”
She pulled a container from her pocket and opened the top. “You’d both be proud of John. He got sober. He’s the one who grew up enough to try to make things right.” She scoffed. “I know that’s hard to believe, isn’t it? But it’s true. He’s the one who made things right. I love him for that. If he hadn’t, I would still be running from the past.”
She sprinkled Katie’s and John’s ashes onto the ground and set the flowers she’d brought on top. “I know it’s been a long time, Katie, but you’re with Grandma and Grandpa Bowman now. They missed you, baby, but you’re here now. And so is Daddy.” She put her hands to her thighs as she stood. “Rest well.”
Another bit of the guilt she’d been carrying for far too long slipped away. She may not have given Frannie and Mark an opportunity to see Katie’s urn, but that was just a container. Katie was with them, wherever they were.
Seeing her mom and aunt in the back seat as she approached the car was a good reminder to Carol why she’d been so determined to reconcile with her mother. Her mom was still healthy, still of sound mind, but that wouldn’t always be the case. Carol had already lost too many people—she was going to cling to the ones she had left.
The craziest thing about all of that was, she had John to thank for making her realize the importance of holding on to loved ones. If he hadn’t snapped her out of her depression, she’d likely be lost in it. She wouldn’t have spent the anniversary of Tobias’s death celebrating Katie’s life or honoring his memory. She would have been in a dark room with blankets pulled over her head, wondering what she had to live for.
John had reminded her that she had a lot to live for, and she was going to embrace it.
But before she could, she had one more stop to make. Sliding into the front seat, she glanced back at her mom. “Ready?”
Judith nodded. “Ready.”
Carol told the driver the address to their next stop. The cemetery where her father had been put to rest. The drive was quiet. Heavy emotion hung in the car. Carol hadn’t visited his gravesite the last time she’d been in Dayton, when she’d brought John home.
Visiting her father’s grave hadn’t even been on her list of things to do. She couldn’t avoid his grave forever though. Today would be the day she returned to the cemetery, and she had no doubt it was going to be emotional.
She’d accepted that he’d been a flawed man rather than the monster she’d always made him out to be in her mind. This was the first time she’d be facing him and not seeing through the scratched lenses of her bitter childhood.
Her heart sank as their driver turned into the cemetery. Though she hadn’t been there in three years, she knew where her father was buried and was able to give directions. Once the car stopped, she looked at the man beside her. “This one might take a bit longer. Are you okay waiting?”
“Take your time,” he said.
She joined her mom and aunt outside of the car and her stomach knotted. Taking her mom’s hand, Carol walked with them to the gravesite. As soon as they stopped in front of the headstone with her family name inscribed, emotion formed a lump in her throat. She’d never grieved for this man, not really. She’d never allowed herself to feel his loss.
She felt it now. Like a lightning bolt to the heart.
Holding her mom’s hand a little tighter, she read her father’s name and the etching, Beloved Husband, Father, and Grandfather.
Once again, she imagined her father broken and crying over the loss of Katie. Something she never would have thought possible if her mom hadn’t shared that intimate moment with her. She recalled how hard her father had been, how angry he’d been over Katie’s death, but she never thought about him being broken.
He had loved Katie. She knew that. Now she could see that he’d loved her too. In his own way. A way that was not always easy to see or understand.
Carol took another container from her pocket. This one was for her father. This one was for him and Katie. “Should we say something?” she asked her mom.
Judith looked at the little bottle and hesitantly held out her hand. “May I?”
“Of course,” Carol said, handing Katie’s ashes to her mom.
Her hand trembled as Judith accepted the container. Looking out over the cemetery, she seemed to be gathering her thoughts before focusing on the headstone. “I told Carol how sorry you were for being too hard on her, Dennis. It’s been a difficult few weeks, but we’re doing better, and she’s working on understanding how much we have always loved her. I know you couldn’t find a way to tell her, so I told her for you. I told her that you loved her very much. And that you loved Katie very much. We’re here to bring her to you.”
Carol put her hands o
ut to catch her mother should she start to fall as Judith kneeled down. Judith emptied the container and put flowers down before standing. She wiped her eyes and sniffled.
“Say goodbye to your father,” she said softly as she put her hand on Carol’s arm.
She waited for her mom and aunt to head back to the car before sighing. “I’m sorry I didn’t see through your tough act sooner, Dad. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to understand why you thought you needed it. Mom’s right. I am trying to understand and move beyond it. I know you loved me.” She bit her lip to hold her emotions in before she laughed at herself. Even when she was standing over his grave, the old habit of not letting him see her cry lingered. “I loved you too,” she said as she let her tears fall. “I’m sorry I hurt you when I left. I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were hurting too.” She put her hand on the stone. “I’m going to look after Mom now. I know it’s a little late to start, but I’m going to be here for her now.”
Standing upright, she scanned the cemetery to find her companions. They were standing a few rows back, and Carol knew they’d found their parents’ resting spots. Carol had never known either set of her grandparents, but from the sounds of it, she hadn’t missed out on much.
Katie had been lucky. She had four loving grandparents who had doted on her as she’d grown. It had taken a long time, but Carol was happy she’d been able to reunite her little girl with so many of the people who had loved her.
Her father’s grave was the last stop they’d intended to make in Dayton. When they got back to the RV, they’d get on the road back to Florida. Carol couldn’t believe she felt this way, but she was going to miss traveling with her mom and aunt.
She hoped, as she watched them holding hands, they would be able to take the trip the next summer they’d planned. She hoped they’d have many more vacations together. She had years of memories to make with her mother in a short time.
She was looking forward to that.
Caroline clutched the steering wheel of the family car so hard her knuckles ached. She didn’t know why she had tried so hard to convince her parents to let her get a driving permit. She was scared of everything, and driving was even worse than she’d imagined.
“Breathe,” her mother said from the passenger seat.
A rushed exhale left her as she stared at the light above her. Any second it was going to turn green and she was going to have to move the car. On the road! Why was she driving on the road? Where there were other cars. She wasn’t ready for this.
“Go, Caroline,” her mom said calmly.
Easing her foot off the brake, Caroline pressed on the accelerator and the entire car lurched forward.
“Sorry,” she said.
“You’re doing fine.”
Caroline looked in the mirror at the line of cars behind her when one honked.
“Ignore them,” her mom advised.
“Should I pull over?”
“No. You should focus on the road ahead of you. You’re too close to the curb.”
Caroline drifted closer to the center lane.
“Not that far! Not that…”
Swerving back, she held her breath. “Sorry.”
Her mom pointed ahead to a road on the right. “Turn there.”
Caroline turned on her blinker. The click-click-click sounded so loud she was tempted to turn it off, but she didn’t. She was too focused on slowing down and making the turn.
“That was good,” her mom said.
The brief moment of praise ended when her mom leaned over and looked at the dashboard.
“What?” Caroline asked. “What’d I do?”
“I was checking your speed.”
She eased off the accelerator until she was practically crawling down the road.
Judith chuckled. “You can go a little faster.”
She sped up and, after a few minutes, started to feel more comfortable as they navigated the residential streets. This wasn’t too bad. She could probably do this. She could…
“No,” she squealed when a dog darted in front of the car. She jerked the steering wheel to the right and stomped her foot down…without removing it from the accelerator to the brake. The car lurched forward and up over the curb, causing a loud scraping sound to fill her ears.
“Brake!” her mom yelled as she reached across the car. “Brake!”
Caroline snapped to and hit the brake pedal hard. They jerked to a stop. “Did I hit the dog?”
Judith looked back. “No,” she said flatly. “But you did hit the curb. Shit.”
She’d never heard her mom curse before. She swallowed hard so she wouldn’t start crying.
“Put the car in park while I check the damage.” Judith climbed out as a man rushed from the house, likely to also survey what Caroline had done. They both leaned down to look, and Caroline’s stomach rolled as bile burned her throat.
Holy crap. She’d wrecked her dad’s car. He was going to kill her. Absolutely kill her. She wasn’t supposed to be driving unless he was in the car, but she’d begged her mom to give her a lesson without her dad intimidating her from the passenger seat.
Now she’d wrecked his car!
Her mom and the man chatted for a minute, and when her mom gestured toward her in the driver’s seat, Caroline wished the world would open and swallow her. She’d never seen her mom so animated before, but as she talked to the man, the tension on his face eased and he started nodding, and then…he laughed. Her mom made someone laugh?
The man smiled at Caroline and waved his hand as if to tell her to not even worry that she was half parked in his yard. He looked as if he was sorry his curb had gotten in her way…even though she’d had to leave the road to hit it.
Her mom smiled at him before heading for the passenger door. No, no, no. Her mom needed to drive now. Caroline started to open the driver’s door to get out, but her mom peered through the window, pinning her in place.
“Hey,” the man said as soon as her mom opened the door, “It’s okay, kiddo. We all have accidents sometimes.”
She wanted to thank him for his kindness, but if she opened her mouth, she was going to start crying. She thought she’d managed a smile but wasn’t sure. Once her mom was in the passenger seat, Caroline finally found her voice. “I-I-I don’t want… I don’t want to drive anymore.”
Her mom nodded once. “I know. I understand, but you need to understand that if you stop driving now, you might never ever start again. Put the car in reverse, Caroline.”
Tears pricked her eyes. “Mom—”
“Put the car in reverse, Caroline.”
“I can’t,” she whispered.
Her mom stared at her for several seconds. “You can drive us to the store, or we can sit here until dark.”
“Mom.”
“If you don’t drive now, you may never again,” her mom said sternly.
“Dad’s gonna—”
“We’re not going to tell him you were driving,” Judith said. “We’re telling him I got distracted.”
“You’re going to lie to Dad?”
Judith was quiet for a moment. “It’s not a lie, Caroline. It’s… Do you want him to take your permit away?”
“No.”
“So, we’re going to tell him I got distracted and hit the curb. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said quietly.
“Reverse off the curb. Slowly.”
Caroline held her breath and backed the car off the curb with two big thumps as the tires left the curb and found the road again. Though her hands were trembling, she shifted to drive and started down the road again.
Three days after the ceremony in Dayton, Carol sat on the soft red sofa in Ellen’s art studio thinking about how much had changed in the weeks since she’d last been here. She was in a good place. Not just with her mom but with Tobias’s loss. A year had gone by, and she was starting to feel stronger. She had the support of her family. All of her family.
She wasn’t alone.
She was n
o longer angry and resentful of the past.
She could think of her father without dread and remember her mother without anger. Even John and Katie could wander through her thoughts without making her feel the shame of having let them down. And Tobias. Losing him still hurt, but the pain was no longer crippling.
Her heart was lighter than she could ever remember.
In the morning, she’d get back on the road. She’d make that stop at Shenandoah Caverns and go on to Niagara Falls—two stops for John and Katie she hadn’t made for the sake of her companions. She’d be on her own now, though. At least for a while.
That wouldn’t last. She wouldn’t let it. She’d swing by somewhere and grab someone to join her on her trips. Whether it was Mary or her mom and Ellen. Maybe even she and Lara could take a trip and do some fun things now that the girls were older.
Carol had to laugh as she considered how Elijah would react to the idea of being alone with his three girls for days. No doubt he’d warn them about tequila consumption.
A soft knock on the door disturbed her thoughts as she finished packing her bag. She shoved a shirt into her bag as Ellen poked her head in.
“You’re not going to believe this,” her aunt said with that familiar hint of mischief.
“What?”
“I convinced your mom to have a margarita. To see you off.”
Carol widened her eyes. “What?”
“Come on. Before she changes her mind.”
She followed Ellen from the room. “But Mom doesn’t like margaritas.”
“Oh, yes, she does.”
“What?”
Ellen simply giggled in response.
Carol walked into the kitchen, where her mom was slicing limes. “What is happening right now?”
“Your aunt is a troublemaker. That’s what’s happening.”
Ellen laughed. “Oh, phooey. Tell her the real reason you don’t drink margaritas.”
“You mean there’s more to the story than her not liking them?” Carol sat at the table and watched the sisters add ingredients to the pitcher. She started to warn her aunt about how much tequila she was pouring into the mixture, but her mom’s dramatic sigh distracted her.