CK looked almost pained, and then the man’s arms were around Andy in a firm embrace. “That’s always a hard limit, okay?” His voice was soft as he spoke into Andy’s ear. “You don’t even have to say it; it’s a given from now on. No more humiliation.”
Andy nodded, allowing himself to take in the feeling of CK’s hard body against his own. He let his arms slide around CK, too, and pushed close.
All too soon, CK pulled back and smiled. “Come on, Andy, before you get cold feet.”
“Damn. I thought I was distracting you.”
CK chuckled and put an arm around him, steering him toward the playroom. “Oh, you’re very distracting. But this will be good.” CK sounded confident, and Andy relaxed a fraction.
His heart was still hammering when he stood in the middle of the playroom, though. He glanced at the table, nerves flaring when he considered what CK would do to him, where the Dom would put him.
“Where do you want me? Should I undress?” Andy studied the frame, the table, all the while picking at the hem of his t-shirt.
“Don’t. Look at me.”
Andy managed to let his eyes meet CK’s for a short moment; then he bowed his head, trying to steel himself for whatever would come.
“No. Look at me.” CK gently lifted Andy’s head until he couldn’t look anywhere but at CK.
“What’s your stop word?” The ritual was well known, and it calmed Andy a little to fall into it.
“My stop word is red.” For the first time ever, he briefly considered what would happen if he used it. Not right at this moment -- he wasn’t that scared -- but about what would happen if he said it during one of their scenes. He actually trusted CK to stop. The only thing was, he didn’t want everything to stop yet.
“Good. What’s your slow word?”
“My slow word is yellow.” That was something else; it wouldn’t ruin everything with CK to use that. At least he didn’t think so.
“Good. I want you to use them if you need them, okay?” CK sounded as if he meant it, and Andy routinely nodded. It made CK’s eyes narrow a bit, but he continued.
“There will be no pain, no bindings. Just you and me, okay?”
It should probably have calmed Andy down, but it also meant that he had nowhere to hide, nothing to take his mind off what happened to him. He forced himself to stay quiet, though, and nodded again.
“Okay. We’ll start now.” CK slowly, deliberately took hold of Andy’s shoulders and pushed, forcing him to take a step backward.
“Yes.” There was a world of satisfaction in that one word, and Andy let himself be pushed, step by step, until his back hit the wall.
CK was watching Andy with an intense expression in his eyes as he slowly reached down and took Andy’s hand in a firm grip. He never took his eyes from Andy’s, and it felt as if he were staring right through Andy.
Andy tried to hold still, to be obedient. But he was still so raw, and it was too much.
“Fuck! I can’t do this.” Andy shook his head, the feeling of being completely exposed in front of CK too overwhelming. Being dressed didn’t have anything to do with it.
“Yes, you can. Take a deep breath.”
Andy tried to break eye contact, restlessly shuffling his feet.
“Andy! Look at me.”
Andy turned his head back to CK’s stare, couldn’t do anything else. The Dom was towering over him, seeming much bigger than him right now.
“Now, take a deep breath.”
Andy gasped; he hadn’t realized that he had been holding his breath.
“Again.”
He managed to take a breath, and then another, the air feeling good.
“Remember the first time? This is like then.” CK slowly lifted Andy’s hand over his head, holding it tight before reaching for the other and repeating the movement. Then Andy was caught by the strong man in front of him, his wrists held by CK’s hands and his eyes by CK’s eyes.
“I’m so naked.” Andy clenched his mouth shut, his words sounding so stupid to himself.
“I know. You’re here, aren’t you?”
Andy frowned, not understanding what CK meant.
“It’s just you and me, and you’re not going to hide from that.”
CK held him, didn’t let him go, and Andy just stood still, breathing. Slowly, he accepted the situation, CK’s grip around his wrists and the eyes that saw everything he did, everything he felt. The feeling changed from being too much to being just right. It was CK who held him, CK he submitted to. Andy felt the excitement rushing through his body.
“Yes. Like that. Now stay with me.” CK moved one hand to hold both of Andy’s wrists, and with the other, he started pulling Andy’s pants down. Using one hand made the process slow and a little clumsy, and his hand brushed Andy’s dick.
It felt good, and squirming to get another touch, Andy realized that he was fully hard. CK smiled and kissed him, but the Dom didn’t repeat the movement.
“Let go. Give in to what I make you feel.” CK tightened the grip around Andy’s wrists, and Andy felt his breathing getting faster. The man in front of him was strong, and he would have to fight to get free. It was such a novel experience to actually be smaller than the man he played with, and it only increased his awareness of his own submission.
Then CK had finally worked Andy’s pants down enough to wrap one hand around his dick, and Andy sighed. CK began stroking him, the hand around him tight and good.
The feeling of his arms being held firmly and his need being taken care of was exquisite, and Andy let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes.
“No, look at me.”
Reluctantly, Andy opened his eyes again. CK was watching him, the big man’s eyes shining, and Andy couldn’t hold back a small whimper when CK’s thumb slid over his sensitive head. CK wasn’t holding back at all, making Andy’s need flare faster than it had in a long time.
“Oh, yes. You look so good like this.” CK’s words were far away, the pleasure from the firm grip around Andy’s dick filling him up. He rocked forward, once again realizing that he was caught by CK’s hand around his wrists. The knowledge made the excitement rush through him, and he moaned, so close.
“Come for me.” The words were hardly out of CK’s mouth before Andy bucked up, crying out as the come spurted out of him, his world going white with pleasure.
The aftershocks shook him, and then CK’s arms were around him, supporting him as his wobbly legs gave out under him. He slid to the ground, leaning hard on the wall. He felt CK sit down next to him and leaned on CK’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath.
“That was a scene?” Andy sounded a bit more disbelieving than he had intended. Maybe it had something to do with the way he was still panting.
CK just chuckled, and Andy opened his eyes, looking at his Dom. The man seemed very pleased with himself.
“It was, and a good one. You surrendered to me and accepted what I did to you. It was wonderful.”
“It was good.” Andy pushed closer, and CK reached out to hug him. Andy wanted more, though, and he shifted a bit to get it. He had to take off his nasty sweats first, and he used them to clean himself up before he straddled CK. The other man looked a little surprised.
“Thank you. That was amazing.” Also a little frightening at the beginning; he had no idea why it had felt so overwhelming, but it had. It had ended being so good, though.
He leaned in and kissed CK. CK was eager, pushing into their kiss, and as Andy inched closer, he realized that CK hadn’t come.
“I think you have a little problem here?” Andy playfully ground against the hard cock under him, grinning as CK gasped.
“You don’t have to...”
Andy had already moved back, pulling CK’s sweats down so he could get to the man’s hard cock. There was a little moisture in the
slit, and CK whimpered when he licked it off. Andy looked up in surprise; he wasn’t used to Doms being that open about their own pleasure in a scene. They usually played it as cool as possible. He experimentally licked from under the head back to the slit.
“Oh, my God!” CK jerked, the pleasure clear in the man’s moan. His Dom was watching him, and Andy bent and took CK into his mouth, licking around the head.
“God, yes. Please.” The air rushed out of CK, and the muscles in his belly shook every time Andy tongued that sensitive spot just under the head.
He enjoyed teasing CK, doing it over and over just to hear those sounds; then he wrapped his lips around CK’s cock and went deeper.
CK moaned, beyond words now, and pushed his hips up, forcing his cock deeper down Andy’s throat. Andy grabbed CK’s hips, encouraging him to go on, and CK ran his hands through Andy’s hair as Andy swallowed him completely, making him shout out. He bucked, and Andy pulled back, sucking the head before swallowing him again. CK shouted again and came deep down Andy’s throat while Andy kept swallowing around him, pulling the last drops of come out of him.
CK’s breathing was harsh, and he was still whimpering when Andy pulled back and straddled him again to kiss him. His kiss was sloppy and eager, and Andy couldn’t help smiling.
“Good?” He knew it had been; it was clear from the dazed expression in CK’s eyes.
“Fuck, yes. Boneless.”
Andy grinned; swearing and incomplete sentences were good signs. Andy kissed CK again and pulled him close, hugging him until the man’s breathing had slowed down to normal. It happened fast; someone was in good shape.
“That wasn’t bad.” Andy held on to CK, unwilling to let go.
“You thought it would be?” CK’s tone of voice was only half teasing as he looked up at Andy.
“I... No. Yes. I mean...” He had to think before he continued. “I just... I couldn’t take a real scene, you know? I knew that, and it scared me like shit that you insisted on doing it anyway.”
“This was a real scene.” CK let one hand slide up and down his arm, CK’s other arm still around him.
“Oh, you know what I mean.” There hadn’t been any whips or cuffs or screaming.
“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t think I do.” CK sat up a bit straighter, tugging him closer. “The letters -- what do they stand for to you?”
“What letters?” Andy looked searchingly at CK. He was too relaxed to get worried, but it sounded as if this was important to CK.
“BDSM. What do they stand for?”
“Well, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism. Everybody knows that.” Bryce had certainly beaten it into Andy.
“No, you see, that’s not the only interpretation. But this explains why you didn’t think what we just did was a scene.”
“But what other interpretations are there? Everybody calls it BDSM.”
“Yes, but not everybody means the same thing. To me -- and to a lot of others -- it stands for bondage, dominance, submission, and masochism. What’s missing in that definition?”
Andy didn’t have to think for long. “Pain. The pain’s missing.”
“Yes. Well, and no, because pain is usually a part of the masochism, and sometimes of the domination, too, but it’s not necessary, you know? And sometimes, it’s just a means.”
Andy slowly nodded. “I... I think I get that. It makes sense, at least. But what about the feeling when you’re out of your body because of the pain, just floating away? How can you get that without hurting?”
CK let his free hand slide over Andy’s cheek to his neck, holding him carefully. “I don’t want to take you out of yourself. I want you here, I want you to go so deep into your pleasure, into your submission to me, that you’re filled with what we do. I want you right here.” His words were fervent.
Andy looked down. “I’m not sure I can do that.” He couldn’t meet CK’s eyes. “I don’t know how to.” He wanted to, though. He had a feeling that it was what had made the scene last week so good; the feeling of surrender was much stronger when he didn’t hide behind the pain.
“You’re already doing it.”
He lifted his head to see a tender smile on CK’s face. “You did it before, when we kissed that first time, when we had the first scenes. It’s so beautiful you wouldn’t believe it.”
Andy could feel his cheeks burning. CK laughed and pulled him into a tight hug before letting him go.
“Well, my bare-assed lover, I think it’s time to go clean up.”
Andy suddenly felt very naked, only wearing a t-shirt. “Hey, you’re just as bare-assed.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t. And I like yours.” CK squeezed Andy’s butt and kissed him soundly before getting up, reaching out a hand and pulling Andy up, too. Andy couldn’t resist leaning in to get another kiss.
“Thanks.” Andy’s voice was low, and he wasn’t sure that CK understood that he meant to thank his Dom for so much more than the help getting up. CK hugged him tightly without saying anything, though, so maybe CK did.
***
CK’s explanation made sense -- a lot, even -- but that didn’t mean that Andy wasn’t shaking with nerves Monday night when they went into the playroom again. CK stopped him in the hallway just outside the room.
“You’re okay.”
It always surprised him when CK said things like that. Like the man was completely sure that Andy would be all right.
“It’s just a scene like yesterday.”
“Yeah. Except for the bindings and the flogger.” Andy clenched his hands to keep them from shaking so much.
“I won’t give you more than you can take. I promise you that.” CK kissed him, a gentle, almost chaste kiss. “And I don’t want you to be afraid when you go home. This way, you’ll have had two scenes and you’ll know that you’re still all right when you leave. It’ll give you less to worry about. Does it make sense?”
“Yes.” Andy nodded. “Sense hasn’t a lot to do with this.”
“Okay.” CK just accepted that like he did everything else. “Let me take you through it, okay? I won’t let you fall.”
Those words loosened something in Andy, made it possible to nod again and follow CK into the playroom. It didn’t take away his nerves, though. He gave his safewords, trying to find some comfort in the familiar ritual. It didn’t do much to calm him. This was his first encounter with pain after his breakdown, and he felt terrifyingly vulnerable.
“The straps first, yes? Remember, you like this. And it’s just me.”
“Yeah, it’s you.” Andy took a deep breath. “Can I be nervous?”
“Sure. I’ll take you through it.”
Andy stepped in between the frame and closed his eyes, trying to keep his breathing even. He wanted to do this, wanted CK to be right.
CK tightened the first strap around his arm, fastening a cuff to his wrist and pulling the hand up until he was tied up firmly. Repeating the movement at the other side, Andy was held fast. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was completely dry. He didn’t open his eyes.
CK kept on tightening the straps around his body and his legs, even between his feet, until he could hardly move. The sounds of the leather snapping shut and holding him tightly were as good as last time, but his nerves wouldn’t let go. He was shaking apart, and he closed his fists and ground his teeth together, desperately trying to get a hold of himself.
“You’re just shaking. It’s okay.” CK stepped close, embracing him in a tight hug.
“Sor... Sorry.” Even his teeth were chattering.
“It’s just adrenaline. Let it happen.”
Andy sobbed once as he did what CK told him to. He accepted the trembling, taking a shaky breath as he rested his head on CK’s shoulder, waiting for it to pass.
“Yes.” CK rubbed his back, touched every bit of skin exposed be
tween the straps, reminding him where he was and why he was here. With CK, because of CK. Andy opened his eyes and raised his head, only trembling a little now.
“Take another moment. No need to rush.”
Andy gratefully let his head sink back down, taking a couple of deep breaths to steady himself.
“Yeah, like that.” CK’s voice was low. “Good job.”
“I don’t understand that!” Andy pulled back as much as he could to look at CK. “You keep saying that, and I’ve no idea what you mean. You’re doing all the work, getting me to where I’m supposed to be. I’m doing nothing; I’m tied up, for God’s sake.”
He felt a little shaken when he realized how agitated he sounded, and he bent his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...”
“It’s okay. Look at me.”
CK lifted Andy’s head until he was forced to look into his Dom’s eyes. “You’re doing a good job because you’re working hard to stay with me, even if you’re nervous. You’re not trying to pull back to make it easier for yourself; that’s hard work. I know that.”
Andy nodded. He didn’t know what to say. It was hard work; it just wasn’t supposed to be. It was supposed to be easy to be tied up in a comfortable position by someone you trusted, and it would have been if Andy wasn’t so messed up.
“You’re thinking so much.” There was a gentle smile on CK’s face. “Let it go for a while, okay? Stay with me instead.” He reached out for the flogger, and the sight of that put an effective stop to Andy’s thoughts.
“Oh...” He started as CK let the tails of the flogger slide over his back. The feeling was stronger than he was used to, and he swallowed nervously, steeling himself for the impact of the first blow.
“Ah! Sensitive. Sensitive.”
CK had given him a light slap, only enough to sting his ass, but the feeling was so strong that he shook in his bindings. He took a deep breath, trying to stay on top of the myriad signals his stressed-out body was sending to his brain.
The next blow hit him, a little harder, and he cried out, leaning away from the sting. “CK! I don’t think I can do this. I feel so much.”
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