The feeling of the water flowing over his skin finally made the last traces of the dream disappear, and Andy allowed himself to lean on CK for a minute. He realized that CK had never undressed completely, still wearing boxers while washing him, and he briefly wondered about it. Then he pulled back.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, not looking up. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“It’s not a big deal.” CK turned off the water. “You wake up, I comfort you, we go back to sleep. Nothing to be sorry about.” He took off his underwear and stepped out of the shower to get a towel, drying himself and pulling on another pair of boxers before turning to Andy. He gently pulled Andy out of the shower, using the scratchy towel to dry Andy. Then he gave Andy a quick hug before he stood back, handing Andy another other pair of boxers.
“Can you grab some sheets? They’re in the closet in the hallway.”
Andy blinked; apparently his nightmare really wasn’t a big deal. He went out and found the requested sheets, and they had the bed remade in a few minutes. It felt really good when he got back into it, staying close to CK.
“I haven’t set the alarm clock; we can just sleep in tomorrow. And the day after that, and Tuesday, too.” CK sounded very satisfied with that, and he turned off the light, putting his arm around Andy.
“Can I ask you something?” Andy asked a minute later into the darkness.
“Sure.”
“Well, you said in the beginning that you only wanted to have one scene a week with me, but now I’m staying with you.”
“You are.” CK pulled him a bit closer.
Andy tried again. “I just wondered why? I mean, why couldn’t we meet more often in the beginning?”
“Well.” CK hesitated. “You see, when the scenes are really good, the sub can get a crush on the Dom -- just because the Dom’s the mediator of the strong emotions released by the scene. It’s not fair to exploit that. A week in between gives the sub some time to put the scene into perspective.”
Andy nodded, head still on CK’s chest. It did sound reasonable, even if he thought that he got more perspective by being with CK than by staying away from him. “But what about now? What changed?”
CK cleared his voice. “Yes. Well. It seems that the Dom got a crush on the sub, too.”
Andy lifted his head, trying to see CK’s eyes through the darkness, but he couldn’t.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
Andy could have sworn that CK sounded just a little sheepish.
“That’s okay.” Andy put his head down on CK’s chest again. He lay there, listening to CK’s breathing. It was very okay.
***
Andy woke up slowly, the feeling of being rested so unusual that he kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the soft bed and the warm sheets surrounding him. The very soft bed. Unusually soft. He shuffled around a bit and felt a hand caressing his hair.
“Morning. Slept well?”
Andy opened his eyes, blinking a bit. Right, CK’s bed. And CK in it, of course. With a naked upper body.
“Anybody there?” CK smiled at Andy, his voice gently teasing.
“Yes. Good morning, I mean.” He stretched a little. Then he couldn’t resist the temptation to push in close, one arm around CK’s stomach. He closed his eyes again.
“Hey, aren’t you going to get up?” CK didn’t sound particularly unhappy, though, and his hand in Andy’s hair felt really good.
“I am. In a minute.”
CK chuckled, his caresses light and good.
“I had a complete meltdown yesterday, didn’t I?” Andy opened his eyes but didn’t look up at CK.
“You did. It was about time, I think.”
That man said the weirdest things. Andy sat up, watching him questioningly. CK shrugged.
“You were fighting so hard to forget that you couldn’t move on. Now it’s all out in the open, and you can work with it. It’s a lot healthier.”
Andy thought about that. “I guess you’re right,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. “I just don’t feel healthy. I feel...” He shrugged.
“What do you feel?” CK pulled Andy’s pillows up so Andy could sit next to him. That way, Andy didn’t have to look at him, and it made answering a lot easier.
“Stupid. Embarrassed. Relieved, and not bad, but embarrassed.”
“Because of yesterday or because of what happened to you?” CK’s voice was as calm as always.
“Well, both. But mostly because of what happened to me.” He had been such an idiot to stay.
“It would be really easy to say that you don’t need to feel that way, but that’s the point with abuse, isn’t it? It’s not logical.”
“It’s not?” Andy had never discussed this with anybody.
“No. If you had been beat up, then it could be traumatizing, but it would just be bad, wouldn’t it? With abuse, it’s the mixture of good and bad that really messes with the mind of the victim.”
“I don’t get that. Getting hit wasn’t good. I didn’t like it.” Bryce had tried to convince him over and over that he really liked it, and he didn’t. Not one bit.
“I know you didn’t, but there were good things, too, weren’t there?” CK looked at him, eyes calm. “Most abusers are kind now and then, or really apologetic after they’ve hit the victim, or the sex excites you even if it’s not voluntary.”
“I didn’t like it!” Nobody should accuse him of that, not even CK.
“No? Because it’s very normal if you did. Partly because of the physical stimulation -- you can come even from a rape, you know -- and partly because it’s a way of survival. Your mind clings to the good parts.”
Andy was staring at CK, the thoughts churning in his mind without making any sense.
“How do you know all that?” He finally managed to speak, and his voice sounded more than a little suspicious. CK didn’t seem to notice, though.
“I had a friend who got abused. I learned a lot in order to help him.”
“I never knew. Not any of it.” Andy felt strangely cheated. It seemed there was a lot he had never known about.
“Maybe you weren’t ready. I know someone you can talk to if you want to make it easier for yourself.”
“Make what easier?” Andy was really not ready to talk to some kind of therapist.
“Understanding what you’re feeling and why. I can help you with a lot of the BDSM-related things, but it will give you a shortcut to recovery if you talk to someone who knows more about the technical stuff -- how people react to things like you’ve been through, for example. It might help with your nightmares, too.”
Andy deliberately ignored the comment about his nightmare; he really didn’t want to talk about that. “A shortcut?”
“Yeah. You get better faster -- why not?” CK shrugged.
There was absolutely nothing Andy could answer to that. Or rather, nothing he wanted to answer. Not right now, at least.
“I’ll think about it. Do you want some breakfast?”
Before he could get out of bed, CK grabbed his arm and held him back. “You will, right? Think about it?” CK’s voice was entreating.
Andy nodded. “I will,” he promised.
Maybe taking a shortcut wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
***
They went for a long walk in the Common after their late breakfast, the crisp air feeling good against Andy’s skin. The sun was pale, and it was a little too windy to be a really beautiful day, but Andy still felt as if this was the first time in a while that he could breathe properly. It almost made him feel giddy, and he talked and laughed while he walked alongside CK.
CK listened, smiling back at him without saying much and laughing out loud once when Andy told the long and complicated story about a client who insisted on ordering shelves of a certain thickness only to find
out that they couldn’t hold more than a few books.
“And then it turned out that she had decided on that thickness because it matched some sort of numerology thing. They looked nice, though, and she insisted that they would bring her luck.” Andy chuckled at the thought. His cheeks felt a little sore; it felt like he had laughed more during the last couple of hours than he had for years.
“Well, she could start a vase collection, like me.” CK sounded a little rueful.
“Oh, your shelves aren’t purely ornamental. They’re just not bookshelves.” Andy inched closer, bumping into CK a little. CK put an arm loosely around him and squeezed him before letting go again. They were in a public place, after all.
“Are you ready to go back? The car isn’t far from here.”
They must have walked in a circle; Andy hadn’t paid attention to anything but CK and the feeling of lightness that filled him. Now, suddenly, he realized that he was exhausted.
“Yeah. I could use some time on the couch.” Before he could stop himself, he yawned.
“Let’s go home so you can nap.”
“I don’t need to sleep.” Andy’s protest was only half-hearted. God, he felt tired all of a sudden. It was a real relief to see CK’s car on the street near the park entrance.
“Is this normal?” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes when he could finally sit down in the front seat of the car.
“Being tired after what you went through yesterday? Yes.”
“Well, that, and being a little... unstable.” He had been talking and laughing a minute ago. Now he felt worn.
“You’ll probably experience some mood swings in the beginning. It’ll pass.” CK’s words were matter of fact; it was the big hand on Andy’s thigh that really comforted him.
He was almost asleep when they got back to CK’s apartment. He aimed straight for the couch, sitting down in the corner of it.
“I just need a minute.” He didn’t even open his eyes as he spoke.
He heard CK chuckle, and then he was helped out of his jacket and shoes before CK put a blanket over him.
“Sleep tight.” Andy was out like a light before he could apologize for being bad company.
***
CK went into the living room to wake up Andy. The big man was curled in the corner of the couch, hugging the blanket. His face was more relaxed than it had for a long time, and he had slept peacefully. He needed to eat, though, and CK had plans for him tonight. CK sat down on the couch next to him, gently stroking his arm. Andy stirred and sighed.
“Is it... Hey, CK.” Andy closed his eyes again, hand landing on CK’s leg. The easy way he sought comfort from CK made CK smile, reaching out to stroke his hair.
“Time to wake up. You don’t want to miss dinner, do you?”
Andy blinked his eyes open, looking a bit more awake.
“It’s evening already? Did I sleep all day?” He sat up.
“No, but I thought we could cook together, and there’s a lot of chopping ahead of us.”
“Hey, I can chop with the best of them.” Andy pulled away the blanket and got up. CK followed him into the kitchen.
“What’s on the menu?” Andy studied the kitchen curiously.
“My specialty.” CK followed, starting to get vegetables out of the cupboard. “It’s a mixture of chili and gumbo and stew. It’s good, but you can peel and chop all day if you want to make a large portion.”
“Bring it on.”
CK let a hand slide over Andy’s back before handing over the potatoes. It was as if he was drawn even more than usual to Andy today, and he didn’t see any reason to keep his distance anymore.
“You can start with those. You have to peel them and cut them into cubes.” He turned on the radio before he started in on the peppers.
They worked without saying much, listening to the music and commenting on it now and then. It was classic rock, and Andy seemed to like it; he swayed a bit to the rhythm and even sang along to the chorus once or twice. It was good to see him as relaxed as he was now. In their earlier scenes and even outside of them, he had been so very aware of every little move, thinking and trying to avoid any mistakes. It wasn’t exactly hard to understand why, now that CK knew Andy’s history.
CK had no illusions; one breakthrough wouldn’t be the cure of each and every one of Andy’s problems. But it was a good start, and CK intended to do everything he could to help Andy get better. There was one thing that was bothering CK, though.
“Last night,” he began. This wasn’t easy; he normally took great pride in being in control of himself. “When we talked after we changed the sheets.”
“Yes?” Andy turned to him and looked questioningly at him.
“What I said...” God. CK didn’t want to say anything, but he had to.
“About you having a crush on me?” There was a slight twinge in the corner of Andy’s mouth.
Jesus. It wasn’t the sub who was supposed to make things easier for the Dom. “Yes. I don’t want you to feel pressured in any way. I shouldn’t have told you about it, not this soon.”
“You still think I only have a crush on you because you gave me a couple of good scenes and helped me?” Andy’s voice was even. CK was impressed with the way Andy was handling this; he seemed a lot more balanced than CK felt right now.
“It would be a natural reaction.” CK stubbornly refused to say what he felt, because he didn’t know if it was a fair judgment or just wishful thinking.
“Okay.” Andy nodded. “I guess I just have to stay with you until I can convince you otherwise.” Andy turned back to the vegetables. CK felt happiness trickling through him, and he fought hard to contain his smile.
Andy caught it, though, when he turned to CK again.
“For your information, I think the crush started when you kissed me in the club that first night. You rocked my world before you did any of your magic, you know?” Andy stepped in close, and CK had to put down his knife. Andy gently cradled his head and kissed him, those lips so soft against his own. The kiss was sweet, almost tender, but CK was still breathing heavily when Andy pulled back.
“Yeah. I’ll just wait you out.” CK blinked as Andy returned to his vegetables.
“That’ll...” CK had to clear his voice. “That’ll work, I guess.”
Andy smiled, but kept his eyes trained on the chopping.
CK once again cursed the fact that he was never able to guess what was going on in Andy’s head -- for another reason than usual this time, though.
***
Dinner was good; there was something about cooking together that Andy really liked. There was no stress, and the chili-gumbo thing ended up tasting really good. Even though it came nowhere near to being a stew, despite what CK kept claiming. It didn’t hurt that CK had been just a little shaken up by Andy’s declaration earlier on, either; the man was very sweet when he was flustered and trying to hide it.
CK’s reservations probably made sense. Andy had seen that particular psychological mechanism CK had mentioned in more than one instance at the club, and he had experienced it to a certain degree, too, back when he had started exploring the scene. It wasn’t the case this time, though -- he was very sure of that. That first kiss had been...
“Good thoughts?” CK let his hand slide around Andy.
“Very. I was thinking of you.” Andy put down the pot he had just finished cleaning and turned to CK. He had only kissed the other man once when CK gently pushed him back.
“What...” The confusion threatened to turn into something else, and he looked questioningly at CK.
“I want to do a scene with you. Now.” CK’s eyes were calm and steady.
“Now?” Andy couldn’t believe it. “I... So soon? I don’t think I’m ready.” There was no way he could do anything like that right now.
“That’s why I wan
t to do it now. I don’t want you to have time to think and get scared. You feel good now; you’ll feel even better with the scene.”
“I did feel good. Until you started talking about whipping me.” Andy began getting angry; CK had no right to do something like that so soon after Andy had laid himself and his past open.
“Nothing like that. I promise you. No whips, no cuffs, no pain.” CK’s voice was just as calm as before, and Andy felt his anger slipping away, leaving only confusion. He frowned.
“But what else... You said you wanted a scene?”
“Yes. But no pain, no tools, no bonds. We’ll negotiate your limits right here. And I want you to think about them; they might be a lot different after what you went through yesterday.”
Andy tried to get a hold of the jumble of feelings that were rushing through him, from his reluctance to leave this warm cocoon of security, to thoughts about what his limits really were, to a growing curiosity as to what CK would do to him without using any tools or hurting him.
“You don’t have to think so much.” CK’s voice was kind. “Just trust me. I’m not going to harm you.”
Before Andy could think, he nodded. Anxiety rushed through him when he realized that he had just agreed to a scene.
“But I don’t want to have sex. I mean, only...” He looked down, gripping the edge of the counter in his hands.
“I can’t fuck you? Or we can’t do anything at all?” CK didn’t sound angry, just as if he were talking about everyday things.
“You can’t fuck me. Anything else is fine.” As a matter of fact, his dick just might think that it was very fine. Being near CK seemed to have that effect on it.
“Okay. No pain, no binding, no anal sex. That sounds okay to you?”
Andy nodded, mutely. He could do that, even if he most of all wanted to curl up on the couch again, eyes closed and as near to CK as he could get. Ignoring the world.
CK nodded and turned to go.
“Oh, and no humiliation.” Andy had no idea how he had gotten the courage to say that, but he didn’t want to take it back. He wasn’t going there anymore. “That’s a hard limit.”
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