Trading Secrets

by Melody Carlson

  I’m studying Zach’s profile as he presses his lips together. I can’t even imagine what’s going through his head. “Your clothes,” I say suddenly. “Will your parents be upset that you’re dressed like an English guy?”

  “Ja,” he says slowly. “Probably.”

  “Do you want to go to town and change?” I ask. I’m actually hoping he does and that somehow this will be my opportunity to have one last word with him—in private.

  “No,” he says firmly. “That’s not necessary.”

  We just sit there for what feels like several minutes but is probably just seconds. “If you don’t mind, I’d like you to drive up to the house,” Zach tells my dad. “I want you to meet my parents if they’re around.”

  Okay, I’m thinking this is going to be awkward but interesting. Dad slowly turns and goes down the long driveway. “This is a beautiful place,” Dad says quietly, almost reverently. “I can see why you were charmed by it, Micah.”

  I spot Zach’s father and what appears to be young Samuel, heir to the farm, running to keep up with his dad as he strides through the pasture next to the barn. I can’t deny that they look very picturesque in their matching straw hats, blue shirts, black pants, and suspenders. Mr. Miller is peering curiously at Dad’s car, and I can tell he’s headed our way. As we get closer to the house, I see Zach’s mom emerge from the back door. Wearing a dark green dress, she’s still using her stick-cane and limping. I guess she wasn’t faking it after all. She is followed by Rachel. I can only imagine how this little homecoming is going to play out. Poor Zach!

  22

  What are you doing here?” Zach’s father says as soon as we’re out of the car. I can’t tell if this is a question or an accusation. His stoic expression gives no clues.

  “This is Micah’s father,” Zach tells him. “Will Knight, I’d like you to meet my daed, John Miller.”

  My dad steps up to Zach’s dad, as if this is all perfectly normal, and extends his hand. “I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Miller. You’ve raised a fine son.”

  Zach’s dad is caught off guard as Dad shakes his hand. “Thank you.”

  “We’ve enjoyed his visit in our home.”

  “What are you wearing?” Zach’s mother demands as she hobbles up to us. “Why do you come dressed like that, Zachary John?”

  Zach looks down at his clothes as if he’s just remembered his attire, then shrugs. “Does it really matter what a man wears?”

  “Ja.” Her head bobs up and down vigorously. “It does. You know it does.”

  “What’s more important, Mamm? A man’s exterior or a man’s interior?”

  “Obedience in the outward things reflects obedience in the inward things,” she shoots back at him.

  Zach’s dad says something in Pennsylvania Dutch, and Zach’s mother presses her lips tightly together as if she’s been shushed, but her dark eyes are full of fire. She looks as if she’s about to explode.

  “Have you come home to stay?” Rachel asks cheerfully. “You know we’ve all been worried about you, Zach. Your father needs help in the fields.”

  “Ja,” Zach’s dad agrees. “I do need help.”

  “How is Molly?” Zach says suddenly. “Have you given her the medicine like I instructed in the note?”

  “Ja. Mostly.” He rubs his fringed chin with a frown. “Maybe not today.”

  “Not today?” Zach frowns. “She is supposed to finish it all.”

  “She is fine, Zach.”

  “No.” Zach firmly shakes his head. “She could get sick again, Daed. She needs the medicine.” And just like that he storms off toward the barn.

  “He cares more about animals than his own family,” Zach’s mother says bitterly. “He is a worthless son.”

  Unable to keep my mouth shut, I step up to her. “Zach saved Molly’s life,” I tell her in a calm but intense voice. “He probably saved the colt too. Then he paid for the veterinarian with his own money—three hundred dollars of his hard-earned money. Do you think he did all that for himself? It’s not like he owns those horses, does he? No, he did that for you. He did it for his family. Zach is not a worthless son.” I glance over to see Zach has stopped with a mixture of shock and appreciation on his face. I turn back to his mother. “You just don’t see what you have. You’ve raised a fine son and you don’t even know it.” I pause to take a breath, and feeling Dad’s hand on my shoulder, I step back.

  “I agree with Micah. Zach is definitely not worthless, Mrs. Miller.”

  “Ja,” Zach’s father says humbly. “He is not worthless. My wife didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Zach is a good boy,” Dad continues. “You both should be very proud of him.”

  “Proud?” Zach’s mother looks angry. “Pride is sin, Mr. Knight.” She says something in Pennsylvania Dutch again. It honestly sounds like she’s cursing. Then she turns around and starts to hobble back to the house. “Come, Rachel,” she calls out in a sharp tone. “We have work to do.”

  Rachel looks torn, glancing with worried eyes toward the barn—I’m sure she’d like to go comfort Zach. Instead she hurries to catch up with Zach’s mother.

  “I’m sorry if our visit has upset your family,” Dad says to Zach’s father. “For some reason he wanted us to meet you.” As Dad thanks Mr. Miller for letting me visit their farm, I turn away and run over to the barn. Maybe this is my chance to have a few last words with Zach.

  I find him in the livestock pasture next to the barn, and he seems to be examining Molly.

  “How is she?” I ask quietly.

  “All right, I think. But I gave her a double dose of antibiotics just to be safe. She still has four days left of the medicine. I don’t know why Daed doesn’t take that more seriously. She’s been a valuable broodmare. If she gets sick, it won’t be easy caring for the colt. He’s valuable too. Usually Daed shows more concern for his livestock.” He shakes his head. “Except that he doesn’t much like vets.”

  “Oh.” I reach over to pet Molly’s head. “I hope you get all well,” I tell her. “Take your meds and take care of your baby.” Knowing my time is limited, I turn to Zach. “I know that I said something offensive to you yesterday,” I say quietly. “I think it had to do with Rachel. I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sure whatever I said was totally stupid, but what I meant to say is that she’s a nice girl. I felt like I needed to clarify that because the truth is, I really didn’t like her when I first met her, and I wasn’t sure if I’d said something negative to you about her. I’m pretty sure she’s in love with you, Zach, and it’s possible you could come to love her too. If you end up together, I wish you the very best. I think that’s what I was trying to say.” I feel a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. “Whatever you do, Zach, I really do wish you the best. You’ve been a good friend to me for more than six years. Even though I know our friendship can’t continue, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.” I force a misty smile. “And I will be praying for God to direct your path, Zach.” I get on my tiptoes, since Zach is a couple inches taller than me, and plant a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Zach, for everything.” Then I turn and run back to where Dad’s still talking to Mr. Miller.

  “It’s time to go,” I say abruptly.

  Dad sees the tears streaming down my cheeks and stops in midsentence, telling Zach’s dad a hasty good-bye. We both get into the car and Dad drives, more quickly than before, down the driveway and out to the road.

  “Are you okay, sweetie?”

  “I don’t know,” I confess, finally allowing the tears to flow freely.

  “Well, I have to admit that confrontation with Zach’s parents was pretty stressful,” Dad says as he cautiously passes a horse-drawn buggy.

  “Yeah.” I sniff loudly.

  “And you’ve had a long, trying week, Micah. I suspect you’re emotionally drained. It’s understandable. I just hope you’re ready to go back to school tomorrow.”

  I nod as I blow my nose on one of the fast food napkins. �
�Me too.”

  “You’re going to be okay,” he says gently.

  “I know.” I let out a choked sob. “It just—just feels like I—like I lost my best friend.”

  “I’m sorry,” Dad says. And then, thankfully, he doesn’t say anything else for the next hour or so. He just silently drives, allowing me to grieve.

  23

  I’m still feeling sad and somewhat shaken by the time we get home. “I’m going to get my kitty from Lizzie,” I tell Dad as soon as I get out of the car. “If you don’t mind, I might stay and visit with her for a while.”

  Dad actually looks pleased about this. “I think that’s a terrific idea, Micah. I’m sure Lizzie has been missing you this week. Stay as long as you need to.”

  “Thanks.” I force a smile. “Thanks for everything you did for Zach today too. And over the last few days. I know it was really special for him.”

  “He’s a good kid.”

  I force a smile. “Yeah. I know.”

  For some reason I feel strangely comforted to be in Lizzie’s room again. It feels like it’s been years since we sat on her bed and talked. Having our sweet little kitties, Katy and Bella, wrestling and tumbling about on her shag rug is good entertainment.

  Naturally, Lizzie wants to hear everything about Zach. This time I don’t hold back. I tell her every single detail. And this time, instead of acting more interested in her hair or fingernails, Lizzie really listens.

  “Do you think you’re in love with Zach?” she finally says with wide amber eyes.

  I can’t help but laugh. She’s so serious and earnest and concerned. “I don’t know about that, Lizzie. I mean, other than pecking him on the cheek before I said good-bye, we’ve never even kissed or held hands or anything. But I guess in a way I do love him. How could I not?”

  She pats me on the shoulder with a compassionate expression. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “Honestly, I wouldn’t be that surprised if he ended up with Rachel. That would probably be for the best. You should see the way she looks at him, Lizzie. Like she would do everything and anything in her power to make him happy. She even strives to get along with his mom, and trust me, that cannot be easy.”

  “Yeah, Rachel probably wants to get married and have about a dozen children with him,” Lizzie teases.

  “Probably so.”

  Lizzie suddenly hugs me. “Well, I’m glad you’re back, Micah. And it feels like you really are back this time.”

  Lizzie entices me to stay for dinner and go to youth group with her and then to spend the night afterward. Dad sounds greatly relieved when I call him to see if this is okay. I can tell he thinks that some time with Lizzie might be just what it will take to get me back to my old normal happy self again. And I must admit it does help some. But at the same time I feel different inside. Like something in me has changed. Like maybe I’ve grown up a little this past week. Or maybe it’s that I’m still grieving. But something has definitely changed.

  On Wednesday night, I invite Dad to go with me to the evening church service. We don’t always go to church, especially not on Wednesdays—not like we used to do before Mom died. But for some reason I really want to go tonight, and it was easy to talk Dad into it. I think my desire to go to church was because there was so much focus on God when I was in Amishland. I feel like I need to figure out where I stand with my own faith now. I mean, I do believe in God—that’s never changed. But after seeing Zach’s family reading the Bible and praying together, I wonder if I’ve been taking my own faith seriously enough.

  After the service is over, I question Dad about his own beliefs. “Do you feel like we’re not as godly or spiritual or whatever you want to call it as the Amish people are?” I ask as he drives us home. “I mean because we don’t pray before every meal or read the Bible several times a day or go to long church meetings or dress in funny clothes.”

  He laughs. “You really don’t think wearing funny clothes makes a person spiritual, do you? You heard what Zach said about that. By the way, I was impressed with what he said. He’s a thoughtful young man.”

  Of course, Dad would bring it back to Zach. “Yeah, he is. And no, I don’t think clothes have much impact on a person’s spirituality. I was trying to be funny.”

  “I always thought faith was kind of a personal thing,” Dad says thoughtfully. “Everyone has to figure out for themselves how much they should do things like pray or read the Bible. Maybe sometimes it changes. Like if you’re going through hard times—like when your mother died—maybe you read the Bible more and pray more.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “But as you know, I’m no expert on this.”

  “Me neither.”

  “I do know this. I agree with what Pastor Barry said tonight. God does want us to talk to him about everything.” Dad lets out a long sigh. “I have to confess I forget to do that. A lot.”

  “Yeah. Me too. Although my week with the Amish was a good reminder. In fact, I’ve been praying more than ever about a lot of things lately.”

  “Maybe we’re evolving,” Dad says as he pulls into the carport. “Always room for improvement, eh?”

  “I sure hope so.”

  Dad’s phone is starting to ring as we walk up to the condo. I can tell it’s Uncle Brad, so before they get talking about sports or whatever, I ask him to find out how Gretchen is doing. Dad makes my inquiry, then relays the information. “She’s already walking around,” he tells me. “Looks like she’ll make a full recovery.”

  “Cool.” I give him a thumbs up then go inside to check on my own pet. I know Katy gets lonely when I’m gone. She misses her feline family, including her kitty sibling down the street. For that reason, Lizzie and I have decided to have regular play dates. It’s our way of weaning the kitties from each other. Either that or we’ll have to take turns keeping both of the kitties at our respective houses.

  I’m down on my knees, dancing a wrinkled piece of paper tied to a piece of yarn around the bedroom floor for Katy to pounce on, when I hear a knock on my door.

  “Can I come in?” Dad calls.

  “Door’s open,” I tell him as Katy makes a tall leap for her paper prey, falling on her tummy.

  “Can we talk?” he asks in a semiserious tone.

  “Sure.” I wave to my bed. “Have a seat.”

  “It’s about Zach,” he says in an even more serious tone.

  “Is he okay?” I blurt out. “Has something bad happened to him?”

  “No, nothing like that. It’s just that Brad had an unexpected phone call from him this afternoon.”

  “How could Zach call Uncle Brad? He doesn’t even have a phone.” I set down the kitty toy, trying to wrap my head around this. “What’s up?”

  “Apparently Zach’s family was having dinner, and he sneaked next door to use his grandfather’s phone.”

  “Oh, yeah.” I remember Zach mentioned a phone in his grandfather’s barn. “Did he call Uncle Brad about Molly? I know his dad forgot to give her the medicine, but she seemed okay on Sunday.”

  “No, it’s not about Molly, Micah.”

  I get to my feet now, scooping up my kitten, and I study Dad’s face. “Well, what is it?” I demand. “Is Zach in some kind of trouble?”

  “Not trouble. He just called Brad for some advice.”

  “Huh?”

  “Zach told Brad that his dream was to become a veterinarian.”

  “Oh.” I sit down in my desk chair, trying to take this in. “Yeah. Well, Zach really loves animals.”

  “But as you know, Zach’s education ended in eighth grade.”

  “I know. But Zach is really smart, Dad. I bet he could pass a GED exam today if he tried.”

  “But to go to veterinary school, he’d probably need a high school diploma.”

  “Well, he’s been reading all kinds of books. He even had his nose in a high school biology textbook while I was there. He reads academic books without anyone making him do it.”

  “Very admirable.”
/>   “I’ll bet he could go to a public high school and take classes without any problems at all.”

  “You could be right.”

  “Is there any reason Zach couldn’t go to public school? He’s barely eighteen. I know seniors who are nineteen and twenty. Even if it took Zach a couple of years to graduate, what would it matter?”

  “That’s what Brad was thinking too, Micah.”

  “Does Zach want to do that?”

  “I don’t know. Brad thinks Zach’s trying to figure things out and that he’s worried that he might not be cut out for the Amish lifestyle.”

  “I get that, Dad.” I tip my head to one side. “But when you came in here, you seemed worried, like you had bad news that concerns me.”

  “Brad was concerned about how you’d react to his idea.”

  “What idea?”

  “Brad wants to invite Zach to live with him. Brad thinks Zach could work part time in the vet clinic and go to school. Almost like he’d adopt him.”

  “Uncle Brad is going to adopt Zach?”

  “Well, probably not legally. After all, Zach is eighteen.”

  “Yeah. Okay, but I still don’t see why Uncle Brad is worried about me. Why should this even concern me?”

  “He knows that Zach was your friend first. I guess he wondered if you and Zach were kind of involved—you know, romantically.” Dad makes a curious frown. “Are you?”

  “Dad!” I use my don’t-go-there tone.

  “I’m sorry to be nosy, sweetie, but Brad wanted to know. He’s worried it could turn into an awkward situation for you.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s kind of like inviting an ex to a family reunion after the couple’s broken up. Can’t you see how that could put some stress on holiday gatherings?”

  “Well, Zach has never been my boyfriend, so he couldn’t very well be my ex,” I say with exasperation.

  “Brad wasn’t sure how you’d feel about Zach living with your uncle. Does that bother you at all?”