Just Jayne

by Ripley Proserpina

  Diego glanced over at Sophie. He touched her hip and straightened her blanket. “I live every day with Sophie’s past. I’ll never be done with the guilt.”

  “Diego,” Tennyson began, but his friend held up his hand.

  “No, Ten. She should know. Jayne should know what she’s getting.”

  “He’s right,” Lee replied. He cleared his throat and then looked around. “Where’s Flora?”

  “I sent her to one of the private rooms,” Diego said. “So she could get some sleep.”

  Lifting the arm between the aisles, Diego turned in his seat to face me. “Sophie is my adopted daughter,” he said. “But she might be my biological daughter.”

  I wondered that. But how did he not know?

  “We never took a paternity test,” Lee said, as he stared at his friend. “Well, we did. Enough to know that she was one of ours, but we asked that the results be destroyed after. We gave it to the court as proof of our claim, and then that was it.”

  “Why?” I asked. This had bothered me, though I don’t know why. Why wouldn’t they want to know who was Sophie’s father?

  “Because she’s all of our responsibility,” Diego said. “You know we share women. We’re not ashamed of it, but when we met Sophie’s mom, we were stupid. We’d had a hard time, and we just—We didn’t use protection. We put ourselves at risk, and then we went on our way, figuring we’d been lucky. We were, by the way. I’ve been tested, like I told you. All of us have. We’re all safe. But it’s in spite of ourselves, not because we practiced safe sex.”

  “Oh,” I replied. This was a lot to take in. Sharing women. It was their thing. I wasn’t the first, and I guessed I could assume I wouldn’t be the last.

  “I don’t like where your head has gone,” Klaus said. “Stop now. Just because we’ve had a woman we shared, it doesn’t mean you’re part of something sick and twisted.”

  “I know that,” I replied. I didn’t think of them that way, but how could I not compare my situation with the one they were speaking of. From what I was gathering, they’d shared Sophie’s mother, and then left. And somewhere in between that, she was pregnant and had Sophie.

  “You didn’t know about Sophie, though,” I said, changing the subject.

  Klaus frowned at me, and then Diego when his friend started to answer. “No, Diego,” he said. “Wait. She’s trying to avoid my point. Sophie’s mother was never part of our family. We didn’t care about her. She was a distraction, and nothing like what we feel for you.”

  What did they feel for me? I wanted them, most definitely. And they wanted me. But was there more than lust?

  “This is fast,” Lee said. “Klaus is right, but we’re building something here. Something real. I’ve never felt this before. None of us have.”

  “You can speak for your friends?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he said, and they all nodded. “We all of us have our roles, and I’m just laying it out for you. I’ll give you the answers you want, but you have to be certain you want them before you ask the question.”

  My stomach clenched nervously. He was giving me free rein to ask him anything.

  “You all want me,” I said.

  “That’s what he just said,” Tennyson replied.

  “And this isn’t a joke. Or a one-off. Something new to try,” I asked.

  “We’re motherfucking rock stars, doll,” Tennyson said. “Don’t you think we’ve tried it all?”

  “Okay,” I said. “But if you change your minds, you have to tell me. You can’t just leave me. I can’t—” I’d been abandoned all my life. If I put my heart in their hands, I couldn’t handle them running away with it.

  “You’re safe with us,” Lee said. “I said it before, and I’ll say it until you believe me. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

  26

  Jayne

  After our declarations, Lee and Klaus turned around and started talking business. Tennyson fell asleep, head on the window and Diego went toward the bench seats behind the curtain to sleep. He couldn’t sleep in the row seat, he said.

  I got out my sketchbook and started drawing. My mind was still whirling and my stomach churning, and I had to do something to calm myself down.

  With the guys’ statements, things had changed. California was no longer something I had to dread. They’d be with me when I faced my past.

  Tennyson’s hands rested on his lap, and I began to sketch them. I worked for hours, shaping and shading and then turned the page and tried to imagine those same hands playing the violin.

  I filled page after page with images, not only of Tennyson. I drew Sophie’s face when she’d closed her eyes and spun in a circle.

  I drew Diego, eyes closed, head back after I’d gone down on him.

  I drew Klaus’s arms, head lowered as he rocked out in his isolation booth.

  And I drew Lee when he was uncertain. Hand in his hair, pushing it back from his beautiful, high cheek-boned face.

  And then I drew myself. I had no illusions about my features, so I tried to render them honestly. When I was done, I stared at what I’d done and then flipped back through the pages to the ones I’d done of the guys. How was it possible that creatures this beautiful could settle for someone like me?

  “Can I have that?” Tennyson’s voice was rough. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. Jerking his chin toward the sketch I’d done of myself, he asked, “Do you mind?”

  I tore it out and handed it to him. “If you’d like.” He stared at it and then placed it in his lap.

  He glanced out the window and grimaced. “I’d recognize that desert anywhere. We’re almost there.”

  “The pilot said we’re descending,” I confirmed.

  “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Is it awful that I’m relieved Gregory is dead? I feel like it’d be so much worse if he was somewhere in that house when I arrived.”

  “We’ll be with you the whole time,” he said and then muttered, “In between whatever bullshit Warner has planned.”

  “Will you be doing a lot of promotion?” I asked. “For the song Blanca’s releasing?”

  “I’m sure,” he said and took his phone out of his pocket. He chuckled. “Take a look at this.” He turned it around. There were about fifty text messages from Warner. “We’re booked on about five daytime shows, another five late nights, and he’s got us in a handful of clubs.” Tennyson sighed. “I don’t mind the concerts. But it’d be nice if the music outnumbered the bullshit.”

  “People love your music,” I said. “I love it.” I smiled, thinking about Sophie’s reaction to their session earlier. “Though I don’t know if I’m the most discerning listener.”

  Ten burst out laughing. “That’s a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one.”

  “Each take during your session, I thought I’d never heard anything so perfect. And you kept doing it. I just wondered what it was you heard that I didn’t.”

  “Sometimes we do multiple takes, not because it’s wrong, but because we might want to overlay one track with another, or add another layer of music. What did you think of the song?”

  “I loved the lyrics,” I said. “I loved the back and forth between the characters, the way you had the man’s point of view about the girl, and then hers. They saw each other so differently, but so perfectly. It made me want to cry.”

  “Good,” he said and I lifted my head to look at him.

  “Crying girls are the goal?” I asked.

  “Feeling is the goal,” he replied. “When you listen to my music, and you hear the lyrics I’ve slaved over. Fuck, do you know how long Diego and I went back and forth with that song? He fuckin’… I made him sing the chick’s part, and then I sang it, and then we sang it to the guys. We labored over it. Don’t say you’re not a bloody discerning listener, Jayne, you felt everything I hoped the person who heard the song would feel.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.” He kissed my cheek. “N
ow, what’s one fun thing you want to do in California?”

  “Leave,” I replied automatically, and he laughed.

  “Come on, Jaynie. Your aunt hasn’t ruined the entire state, has she? What’s something you’ve never done and want to do?”

  I thought about it. “You know, for having grown up here, I never really explored. I was in my aunt’s house, and then I was in school.” I let out a breath. “I’d like to go to the beach.”

  “That’s it?”

  In front of us, Lee and Klaus had stopped talking. Lee got on his knees, resting his elbows on the back of his seat. “What’s she want to do?”

  “The beach,” Ten answered.

  “Just go to the beach?” Lee asked.

  “Actually…” I touched my finger to my lip, tapping lightly. “I wouldn’t mind trying to surf.”

  “Done,” Lee answered. “That was easy. So let me tell you how this is going to go.” He launched into a description of dates and places we were going to stay. In the day since I’d made the decision to return to California, they’d figured out how to get me to my aunt’s and do all the things they needed to do.

  “How long do you think you’ll need?” Klaus asked. “An hour? Two?”

  “I guess it depends on how alert she is,” I said. “But I don’t have much to say to her. This is her show, I’m just in the audience.”

  “Don’t let her dictate your life,” Diego said. “She’s not the one in control.”

  Except I never really felt in control… I’d gotten pretty good at rolling with life’s punches. “I know,” I said. “This is on my terms. My cousin said she needed to see me, and I… I can do this.”

  “You’re strong,” Klaus said. “You’ve got this.”

  I hoped I did. I would remind myself that I was a woman who took care of herself. I wasn’t anyone’s punching bag.

  My ears popped, reminding me we were descending, and Tennyson leaned over to dig in his bag. “Here.” He handed me a lollipop. “Try this.”

  Next to us, Sophie started to stir and Ten handed a pop to Diego, who’d returned to his seat without me noticing. With a huge yawn, Sophie settled herself in her now upright seat and accepted the lollipop.

  She leaned over, staring out the window and rubbing her eyes every so often. It was so strange to fly into the daylight.

  The plane landed, and we disembarked before piling into SUVs.

  The sun was different in California. I was used to the bright, overly lit pavements and concrete of southern California. In the north, everything was a little warmer.

  The sky was blue, but it didn’t hurt to look at it. The hills rolled gently, covered in dry brown grass or gnarled grapevines.

  “It’s pretty here,” I said as we headed west. Diego’s family lived on the coast, and after a little while, I could make out the ocean. “Did you grow up here?” I asked.

  “No,” he replied. He was playing with Sophie’s hair. The little girl had been quiet since we’d landed, staring intently out the window. She didn’t seem upset or excited, just subdued. “I bought this house for them a few years ago. It’s private, but convenient.”

  “They have a pool,” Sophie said. “Will you go swimming tonight?”

  I didn’t know if we were dropping her off and leaving, or if we would spend the night and see her settled.

  “Abuela has plans for you,” Diego said. “And the cousins are arriving.”

  Sophie startled. She turned slowly, dark eyes as round as saucers. “The cousins?”

  “Oh,” Diego said, feigning casualness, “Did I not tell you?”

  “No!” she squealed. She rocked in her seat. “A sleepover? I can’t wait!”

  I laughed. My stomach settled a little, some of the anxiety leaving me when I saw how happy she was. Not a small part of me was rolling in guilt. She was the reason I met the guys, and she was supposed to be my responsibility.

  Now I was blowing it off.

  No. I had to cut myself some slack. I wasn’t blowing her off. Visiting my aunt on her deathbed was necessary. It was putting a period at the end of a very fucked up sentence in my life.

  “So we’re going to get you settled, and then we’re bringing Jayne to her aunt’s.”

  Sophie nodded, but she wasn’t really paying attention. She was rocking back and forth with anticipation. I hoped for all of our sakes there wasn’t traffic.

  But wishing for no traffic in California was pointless, because the fifteen mile drive from the private airstrip to Sausalito took well over an hour. Poor Soph was crawling out of her skin by the time the car rolled into the cobblestoned driveway.

  Two people, so clearly older versions of Diego, ran out of the house seconds later. Soph jumped out, and Diego did, too. Sophie’s abuelo lifted her into his arms and spun around while his mother held her arms open for Diego.

  Klaus, Tennyson and Lee all got out, and were greeted with open arms and smiling faces.

  Even Flora, who had been traveling in a car behind us, received an enthusiastic welcome.

  Was this what a happy family was like? Was I part of it?

  I sat in the car, feeling awkward and out of place and wondering if I should scootch down in the seat. A second later, however, Diego glanced over his shoulder at the car and left his mom to open my door. “Are you coming?”

  “Do you want me?” I asked quietly, meeting his mom’s curious gaze. “I’m just—”

  “Don’t,” he warned me. “If you’re going to put yourself down or say you’re no one important, don’t.”

  His dark eyes blazed as he took my hands and waited for me to stand next to him. “Okay,” I answered, and took a deep breath.

  His mother walked to us, her gaze raking me from head to toe, but I didn’t sense any hostility. “Jayne?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I replied. “Mrs. Martin. It’s nice to meet you.” I held out my hand, but she ignored me and gave me a hard, sweet smelling hug.

  My eyes closed, and for a second, I let myself be held.

  “Sophie’s told us all about you. I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, a little shell shocked. I hadn’t expected her to know who I was, let alone the circumstances that brought me to California.

  “This is my mother, Marisol, and my father, Daniel.” Diego wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. “Mom, Dad. This is our Jayne.”

  Gulp. I was certain my eyes bugged out of my head, because his mother’s certainly did. Her face flushed, but she merely nodded. “Does Sophie have homework while she’s with us?”

  “No,” I answered, and then realized I didn’t know if her books had been packed. “But she needs to read every night before bed. Or be read to.”

  “I brought my book,” she yelled on her way inside the house. “And an extra, just in case I finish.”

  “She’s reading?” Marisol asked. “It was such a struggle.”

  “This book is the right level,” I said. “Just hard enough. And she likes the story, and that’s really the key.”

  “We need to get going,” Diego said, hugging me against his side a little tighter. “We’re hopping back into the plane and flying to LA. I’ll call you when we get there.”

  I didn’t know that. I’d assumed we’d unload all the bags and drive down the coast. It was a trip that was hours long, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that they chose to jump back on the plane. It was another reminder of how easy it was for me to be lulled into complacency by the guys.

  But the facts didn’t change. They were millionaire rock stars with the world at their fingertips. And I was the girl who shocked their mom.

  We said goodbye to Sophie, who forgot all about us as soon as she saw her cousins, and piled back into the car.

  Klaus pulled his phone out of his pocket as we got back on the road. “Warner is waiting for us at the plane.”

  I’d forgotten about their manager. “Did he just arrive?�
�

  “He flew out before us,” Klaus said, typing something into his phone. “But he’ll come with us to LA.” His phone pinged again, and he sighed as he read the message.

  “What is it?” Lee asked.

  “He’s just being an asshole,” he answered. “I’m getting pretty sick of it.”

  He didn’t say so, but I had a feeling this was about me. I was throwing quite the wrench in the system Warner had going. The band was a well-oiled machine, and while they’d had moments, like with the rumors about Klaus’s drinking, overall they were pretty drama-free.

  That wasn’t going to be the case when the world found out about me. And I had no misconceptions about what people would think.

  “You know,” I said. “You don’t have to come with me to my aunt’s. I can hop a bus and be there by tomorrow morning. You can do whatever it is Warner needs you to do. There’s no reason for you to put this before your work.”

  Klaus slowly lowered his phone, staring at me. “Are you serious?”

  “Well.” Yeah. “Yes.”

  Lee touched my knee, and I faced him. “You’re a bit dense for a smart woman, you know. Warner will get used to this. Or he won’t. He works for us. It’s not the other way around. So just relax and let us take care of things.”

  “That’s not exactly how I operate,” I replied.

  “We know, Brainy Jaynie,” Tennyson said. “But how about you let us try?”

  “How about I try?” I smiled to soften the words. “It’s new for me.”

  “That’s all we ask,” Lee said. “Give us a shot.”

  Tennyson started humming. I recognized the song of a popular Swedish band from the 70s and had to laugh.

  It took us less time to reach the airport than it had for us to reach the coast. The plane was fueled and ready, and a black SUV sat in front of it. When we drove up, four huge guys and Warner got out.

  “This is your security detail,” Warner said and introduced us. The guys shook our hands and then stepped back, creating a wall of muscle between us and the plane. “You’re sure about this?” he asked the guys and glanced toward me.