Just Jayne

by Ripley Proserpina

  “She does,” Diego said. “Grace is a doctor. Hired especially to take care of Bree.”

  “When she’s gone, we have other caretakers,” Ten said. “But Grace is our live-in doctor.”

  “How?” Bree’s guardian asked. “Why?”

  “We pay well.” Ten shrugged.

  “Very well,” Lee added, a little bitterly. “You can see, though, Bree Henry is clean. She’s safe. And she’s under the care of a doctor.”

  This whole time. This whole time, I’d thought Grace was a drunk. An out-of-control house cleaner. They lied to me.

  They lied about everything.

  “I married Bree,” Klaus said, staring at me like he could read my thoughts, “after her first psychotic episode. She attacked our manager and the band photographer. Fucked her way through our opening bands on two tours. It wasn’t until she tried to run over a cop that her family intervened. Not that they cared. They put her in a home. Locked her away.”

  “That’s not true!” Mason argued.

  “Isn’t it?” Lee asked. “When we found her, she was skeletal, and so drugged she was catatonic. Of course, she was in the same ward as her mother, so at least she had family.”

  I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand there, listening to them tell me about their wife. I took a step back, and my back touched the doorframe. It gave me some support to continue.

  “We excused her behavior because she was sick. So we got her out, and she was better for a while. I married her,” Klaus said. “And then it happened again. And again. And again. And we realized this would be our life. It would be my life.”

  “Our life,” Tennyson corrected. “We all loved her.”

  “But not like we love you,” Klaus said. “Look at you. Even now, at the mouth of hell, you stand there silent and steady and brave. Jayne. Can you blame us for falling in love with you and wanting to keep you? You’re everything pure and true. We’d spent so long living selfishly, feeling like the world had wronged us, and then you came.”

  “You don’t take our shit,” Ten said.

  “You give us what we never knew we needed,” Diego added.

  Lee left Bree’s side and came to mine. “You’re a partner. Someone who only adds to our family, and you make us better. Can you blame us, Jayne? We love you. We’ll love you forever.”

  Grace cleared her throat. “You should go. She’s groggy and disoriented when she wakes up, and she’ll need to settle.”

  Lee moved to touch my arm to guide me downstairs but I quickly slipped away from him. He stared at me sadly, but he didn’t touch me again.

  We made a strange sort of parade down the stairs and hall. “We will see you out,” Lee said as we came to the main staircase.

  I ignored them and continued on past the stairs to my room.

  No footsteps followed me. No one walked by me silently.

  It wasn’t until I got inside, shutting the door behind me, that I allowed my tears to fall.

  43

  Tennyson

  Charles Forrester. Bree’s guardian, and the man who had made everything so much more complicated, gave us his contact information. He was satisfied Bree was fine. We’d send the lawyers to his office tomorrow, and give him a hefty incentive to keep his mouth shut about what he’d seen today.

  Mason was beside himself. Convinced that we’d divorce his sister and end the lifestyle we kept him in. He wanted us to get rid of Jayne.

  He didn’t want Klaus to divorce Bree. God, no. If he did, then not only would Mason be responsible for her care, but he wouldn’t get the check we sent to his penthouse every month.

  We wouldn’t do that. Leave Bree at Mason’s mercy. Since the moment we’d met her, panting after her like dogs as Klaus led her across a club floor to meet us, we’d been responsible for her.

  We were responsible for her when she fucked her way through every manager and roadie we hired. And when she trashed hotel rooms, and clubs, and boutiques.

  We were responsible for her when she stole a car and nearly killed herself drinking and driving.

  We could have divorced her. Set her up for life. It was the twenty-first century after all, and no one would expect us to stay with a woman who had paranoid schizophrenia and a coke addiction.

  Then we hired Warner.

  At first, he was a godsend. He was devoted to remaking our image and getting us out of our self-made clusterfuck.

  It was better, he said, if people believed Bree disappeared the way most B-list celebrities did. She’d be relegated to our past, just a girl who used to hang on our arm.

  Better that than a martyr, he argued.

  I could still hear Warner’s voice in my head, screaming about what it would do to our future if we divorced her.

  By then, Mason was ready to go to the press. He didn’t want to take care of Bree. All we had to do was promise to take care of him as well as his sister, and he’d keep his mouth shut.

  It was a decision that had come back to haunt us, and maybe it made us too stupid, but at the time, it seemed like the only way out.

  Mason and Charles needed to leave. The sooner they did, the sooner we could go to Jayne and explain everything. She’d understand.

  No one was more understanding than Jayne.

  She’d see that we could continue to care for Bree and that it wouldn’t impact our relationship at all. We hadn’t loved Bree for a very, very long time.

  We could still be a family.

  We could.

  44

  Jayne

  My reflection stared back at me. I sat in front of my mirror, I didn’t know why. Maybe it was to force myself to believe that I was awake. This wasn’t a nightmare.

  All of this had truly happened.

  Klaus was married. They’d married Bree the same way they wanted to marry me.

  They already had a wife.

  Detached, I pulled the tiara out of my hair. Fine strands caught in the silver, glowing like golden thread in the sunlight as I untangled it.

  My fingers were numb, and clumsy, but I somehow managed to unbutton the pearl buttons of the dress and peel it off. It pooled at my feet, and I stared at it.

  I wasn’t getting married today. I wasn’t ever getting married.

  Gasping, I clutched my chest. I knew people said their heart could be broken, but I didn’t think it was a physical thing.

  Old Jayne would have laughed at me, mooning about a broken heart. But this Jayne was different, because I’d decided that I deserved good things.

  Stepping out of my dress, I blindly reached for the outfit I had on earlier. Back on went my simple bra and underwear, my jeans and sweater.

  Then I stood in place. What now?

  My bed had been made, and the sheets and blankets looked so inviting. I went to it, lay down, and pulled a blanket over me.

  The next time I opened my eyes it was dark outside. My head pounded, and my mouth was dry. I needed water and ibuprofen or something, and I didn’t have it in my room.

  I opened the door to the hall and almost tripped over Diego.

  “Finally,” he said. He wasn’t alone. Lee, Klaus and Ten stood quickly. All of them had been camped in front of my door.

  “I need some water,” I said, my voice hoarse. I took a step and my knees gave out, like I was some kind of Victorian maiden. Diego caught me and swept me into his arms.

  “I can walk,” I said.

  “Let me,” he replied. His face was drawn with dark circles beneath his eyes. He was still in his wedding suit, though the tie was undone and the buttons at his throat were open.

  Over his shoulder, I saw Lee, Ten, and Klaus following us. In the kitchen, Diego sat in a chair, holding me on his lap. Lee got me water, and Klaus found a bottle of ibuprofen.

  But Ten went right to the liquor cabinet and poured me a finger of whiskey. “Here.” He pushed it into my hand, and I took it and swallowed it in one gulp. It burned all the way down my throat, causing me to cough.

  Lee handed me a
glass of water, and I drank it quickly, the cool water soothing the trail of fire left by the whiskey. “Thank you,” I said, wiping away the dribble that escaped from my glass. “Where’s Sophie?”

  “She and Flora left for London. Like we planned. She’ll be with my parents in an hour or so.”

  She must have been so scared, and I was sure she hadn’t understood anything that was happening. I was glad she was with her grandparents. They’d take care of her.

  “Jayne.” Klaus knelt in front of me. “Jayne. Are you okay?”

  Was I okay? “No,” I answered, and then I shook my head because I had no other words. Everything was ruined. My heart. My life. I couldn’t stay here, couldn’t work for them. I couldn’t love them when they had a wife.

  When they lied to me like it was nothing.

  “We’re going to fix this,” Lee said. “We’ll go away, just like we had planned. We’ll spend a year on the Amalfi Coast, and then we’ll travel the world. We’ll disappear, doing whatever we want.”

  “You’re married,” I whispered. I stared at each of them. “It may be Klaus’s name on the marriage license, but all of you committed yourselves to her. Didn’t you?”

  Klaus looked up from his place on the floor toward his friends. “I’ll divorce her.” He choked and continued. “Jayne, I’ll do whatever you want.”

  “All right,” I replied, and his shoulders slumped.

  “Ja?” he asked. He wiped a hand over his cheeks, his skin rasping against his stubble. Unlike the other guys, he’d ditched his suit coat at some point and rolled the sleeves of his shirt up. His forearms rippled as he squeezed my thighs. “Thank God.”

  “I’m leaving,” I said. “I can’t stay with you while you’re married.” And lying. My mind kept whispering the word to me. I couldn’t trust them, because I didn’t know what was real and what was a lie.

  Klaus stood fast. “No!”

  The others echoed him. “You can’t!”

  Diego wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “I can feel you shaking. Give us a chance to fix this.”

  “How?” I asked. Lee raked a hand through his hair and paced behind Klaus. “How could you fix this? You divorce her, and then what? Mason ruins your life.”

  “Forget her,” Lee said, a little wildly. “Who cares if Klaus stays married to her? We love you, Jayne. We’re promising ourselves to you! We’ll live a happy life and no one will know about Bree.”

  “I care,” I replied. “I care that you’re married, Klaus. How can you be my husband if you’re already hers?”

  “So I’ll get a divorce. I should have done it before. It’s only because I was too afraid of losing everything—”

  “You could still lose everything,” I said.

  “You’re already gone,” Lee said. He stopped his pacing and pushed Ten and Klaus out of the way, the latter almost falling over. Lee knelt in front of me and pulled me from Diego. As he stood, he wrapped his arms around me until I was tight against him. “I can feel your heart, like a bird’s, racing in your chest.” His breath teased my ear. “You’re going to leave us.”

  “Don’t,” Diego said. “Don’t leave. Just give us a chance. Come with us. We’ll leave tomorrow. When we’re all together, just the five of us, you’ll see, we’re good. We can forget this. It doesn’t matter.”

  They didn’t get it. It mattered because she was their wife while they were marrying me. It mattered because if Klaus divorced her, Mason would drag their name through the mud. They wouldn’t just be the band who shared a girl, they’d be the band who shared a girl while married to another one. It would ruin them.

  And then what would it do to us?

  Lee held onto me so tight and the others watched me like their lives hinged on my decision. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. “God help me,” I whispered and pushed his arms away. I raced upstairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me.

  I put my back to the door and seconds later, I heard their footsteps. They didn’t knock, and they didn’t speak.

  But they didn’t move.

  I was trapped.

  Hours passed by and the guys stayed. Every so often, one of them would mumble something too low for me to hear. I felt frozen, paralyzed by indecision.

  I wanted so so badly to accept their offer. We could run away together and live a life completely unencumbered by responsibilities. Bree would stay here, cared for by Grace, until she died.

  And I’d feel like a fraud. Our commitment to each other would just be lip service. Because they lied. And if they’d lied about Bree… what if they’d lied about how they felt about me?

  What do I do?

  I didn’t know! My head was pounding and my body ached, and I couldn’t think! I had to get out of here, put some distance between me and the people I wanted so badly that I was willing to risk everything to have them.

  In the hall, their voices lifted, getting so loud I couldn’t concentrate.

  If the risk was only to me, maybe I’d have done it. Maybe I would have closed my eyes and jumped, but their lies were in my head now. And I didn’t know if they’d be there to catch me.

  I could go with them, but what could be lost wasn’t mine to lose. It was everything the guys as Rochester’s Pathos had worked for.

  Flesh hit flesh, and the wall shook as someone slammed against it. “Fuck you, Klaus!” Diego yelled.

  Klaus yelled something, I couldn’t understand it. Half of it was German, half in English. He roared, and the wall shook again. It was too much. Too much.

  I had to leave.

  There was no way to sneak out the door. I’d never heard them fight, and it was like wild animals ripping and tearing at each other’s throats. Something broke, and my door shook under the impact of a body hitting it.

  Moving quickly, I packed a bag with the essentials: toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, passport, wallet.

  I had some cash, not a lot, but enough to get me on a bus or train.

  Opening the window to the outside, I stared down at the courtyard. It was too far to jump, but maybe not to climb.

  The fight in the hall went on and on, like it would never end. It was only a matter of time before someone broke down my door. I was running out of time.

  The part of my brain that was still logical warned me against climbing like Rapunzel out my window. Cool wind blew from the moors, and I shut the window. It would sneak beneath my door and the guys would know I was planning something.

  I stripped my bed, tied the fitted and flat sheet together and wrapped it around the post of my bed. I gave it a yank, to see if it would hold my weight, and the ancient thing didn’t even creak.

  The only thing I had to worry about were the knots holding.

  Or the door breaking down.

  “Goddammit, Diego! I told you before, just fucking do it!” Lee’s voice was so loud it hurt my ears.

  The moon came out from behind a cloud, and the light caught one of the diamonds on my ring.

  I couldn’t take this.

  It wasn’t mine.

  With trembling fingers, I slid it from my finger and placed it on my desk next to the note I’d written. “I love you. Please don’t follow me.” I couldn’t say goodbye to Sophie. She was gone.

  Time was running out. Pushing open the window, I shut my eyes. Then, I threw the blankets out and proceeded to rappel down the side of the manor.

  The knots held, but my arms almost didn’t. And my hand. I’d barely noticed it before, but now it felt as if I was ripping the skin off my palm. By the time I reached the ground, I was sweating and shaking with fatigue. Even from out here, I could hear them yelling. It seemed to reach a crescendo of accusation and blame.

  Certain they hadn’t heard me, I tried to plan my next move. My journey wasn’t over. That had just been the first, small part.

  When the guys noticed I was gone, they’d come looking for me, which meant I couldn’t take the main drive away from Fairfax Manor.

  Taking off at a jog
, I went in the direction I’d gone on my first lone walk. I knew I’d find a dirt road if I just kept going in the right direction.

  Of course, I didn’t know if where I was headed was right. Decision made, I set out. I wasn’t in great shape, being more a reader than a runner, and I wasn’t familiar with the grounds. Many times I tripped, skinning my palms and knees, but I kept going.

  The sun had been out the last two days, and the ground was dry, thank god. The warning about being sucked into a bog kept ringing in my ears. I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t suicidal.

  And I could think of no worse way to go than drowning in mud after having my heart broken.

  The full moon gave me some light by which to travel. I walked for what must have been hours, becoming so tired I was stumbling on rocks and small bumps in landscape.

  My feet swished through the dried grass. I’d long since given up jogging, but I stumbled when my feet shuffled through gravel.

  The sound reached my brain slowly. Cold and heartbreak had sort of numbed me to what was going on, but I stopped.

  The road.

  I’d found it.

  If I turned right, it would lead me to a town, eventually, while turning left led me home. Home. It wasn’t my home anymore.

  I went right. I didn’t know how long I walked, but the sun came out, and the wind picked up. My mouth was dry and my head pounding from lack of sleep. It was stupid of me not to bring water.

  Or your phone. Though the truth was, I didn’t even know where my phone was. I didn’t need it when I was with the guys. No one other than them needed to get in touch with me, and we were always together, so there was no reason to carry it.

  I hadn’t anticipated leaving them, so I hadn’t anticipated needing it.

  Engines rumbled in the distance along with the familiar sound of cars traveling on pavement. I’d done it. I’d reached somewhere.

  My hair blew around my face as I approached the main thoroughfare. It wasn’t a highway, but the traffic was steady, and there was space on the side of the road for me to walk.