Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  “Hungry?” I asked as I fastened my own coat, our feet guiding us back into the frosty weather.

  “Sure,” he mumbled, as we walked along side-by-side.

  “What do you fancy eating? Pizza Hut? Or do you want to walk down to Frankie and Benny’s?”

  He shrugged, “I don’t know. Whatever you want, we can go there, okay?”

  I hummed in thought and then felt an idea spark in my head. I drew out a penny, my hands shaking violently with the cold. “Okay, heads we go to Pizza hut, tails we go to Frankie’s, deal?”

  He stared at me for a moment as though I had grown a second head. I flipped the coin. A shock of ice ran through my veins as it landed. He leaned a little closer so that he could see the result. Tails shone up at us in the gloom of the cinema lights. “Okay then,” I smiled and pocketed the coin once again. “Let’s go!”

  I felt oddly cheerful as I pushed open the glass door to the restaurant and was swathed in the warmth that crashed over us like a wave. I shivered and was grateful when Casper swiftly shut the door, barring the cold from the place.

  “Table for two?” the waiter asked, eyeing me and Casper with raised eyebrows.

  I nodded my head and tried to keep my smile on my face, although it gradually started to strain the longer I held it. Swiping up two menus, the man led us away to a booth off to one side, placed the menu’s down and sorted out the glasses and cutlery before leaving us to decide on our food. I relaxed as I shuffled out of my coat and browsed the menu. Casper seemed to be doing the same as a comfortable silence fell over us. After our food was ordered and the waiter went away, I reclined back in the red leather booth and looked over at him.

  “So I hope this evening hasn’t been too horrible for you,” I smiled to show him that I was joking.

  His lips twitched slightly before he shook his head, “It’s been fine; mostly because we haven’t really needed to speak to each other.”

  I quirked an eyebrow at him, “Any more wittiness from you and I might start to take you not liking my voice personally.”

  He gave a little snort before rolling his eyes, “Yeah well maybe you need to shut up once in a while.”

  I looked up at him quickly enough to see a smile on his lips. He pressed them together in a vain attempt to kill it, but some smiles were simply made to be seen. And his was soft and disarming all at the same time.

  My mouth was suddenly so dry that I drained my entire pint of coke. The laughter bubbled up expectantly at the back of my throat. I couldn’t control it and soon my body was tense as I laughed out loud. I only settled down when the waiter brought our food over. When he asked if there was anything else he could get us, I wiped at my eyes and asked for a refill. I could see the tight lipped smile on Casper’s mouth through my fringe, as he shook his head.

  The waiter walked away. It took another minute or two for my laughter to subside. Casper gave me a pointed look and I almost exploded from laughing again. “Sorry,” I gasped. “I didn’t mean to laugh like that.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s fine. Nice to know you have a weird laugh.”

  “You think my laugh is weird?” I sighed and felt my shoulders slump, “I guess I’ll try and stop.”

  “Oh don’t do that,” he stated in a stiff tone, his gaze darting up to mine. I watched his face for some form of reaction, but all I saw was the faint glimmer of nervousness in his eyes. He shifted awkwardly, “I –like your laugh.” He dropped his gaze away from mine and started to fill his mouth with pasta, as I focused on slicing up my pizza and squirting mayonnaise over my chips.

  The rest of the meal passed by in a comfortable silence, dotted with some meek attempts at conversation before we’d finished, paid, and left. The walk back up to campus was quiet at best and the distance between us remained, but I felt as though we had crossed another line towards friendship –one of the quietest friendships I’d ever had to date, but a friendship nonetheless.

  At his bedroom door we said goodnight to one another and then we both seemed to hesitate. His lips moved as though he was going to say something, or do something, but before I could focus too much on it, he gave me a tight smile and turned to unlock his door and slip inside before closing it in my face. Despite the abrupt end to our evening, I felt we had both exhausted one another’s tolerance for silences, comfortable or not. I made my way back to my own room and couldn’t help but feel as though my heart was running a marathon in my chest. I tried to take some deep calming breaths as I closed my dorm door and leaned back against it. Rubbing the back of my neck I tried to stop the smile as I thought over the entire evening. It had gone well all things considered, except for the moment when I’d reached out to pay and Casper had done so at the same time. Our fingers had barely grazed one another’s before he jerked his arm away like he’d been burned. I tried not to take it to heart; he had his issues and so did I.

  The bleeping from the alarm on my phone startled me out of my musings as I stripped down into my tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie. I grimaced and looked at the words ‘PILL TIME’ glaring up from my screen. I grabbed some water from the mini-fridge under my desk, downed the offending, chalky pill, and then propelled myself into my bed to sleep the night away.

  Chapter Nine

  “You need to get back out there and date someone,” Isabel said the first thing Monday morning as I grabbed a coffee with her in the student lounge. “You know,” she murmured. “A few guys have been asking for your number. Why don’t you talk to one of them?”

  I shrugged as I stirred more sugar into my coffee. “I don’t care about any of those guys. If I do go on a date with someone, I just want it to be someone I’m genuinely interested in. Or who I think is attractive at the very least.”

  Isabel gave me a teasing smile and reached out to tug on the cuff of my shirt, “Well Prince Charming might not be here, Aves, but you can still do some window shopping at the very least.”

  She poked at my fingers as though searching for a button to turn my libido up a notch or two. Not that I really needed much of that. Since my non-date with Casper, I’d been sleeping properly for what felt like the first time in ages. At the same time, my dreams were becoming so lucid I swear I could feel the imprint of his lips all over my body. Not that I told any of this to Isabel. I didn’t want her to give me a lecture about how continuing on with such a fantasy would only get me hurt. Isabel wouldn’t appreciate that I was daydreaming about him. Every time she belittled his work, it just made her seem bitter; two traits that didn’t suit her at all compared to the sweet girl I knew her to be. She could be ruthless at times, sure, but never conceited.

  I shrugged, “What can I say? Unless any of them actually come up and talk to me, then I’m not going after any of them.” ‘And I don’t want to’, went unsaid.

  Isabel rolled her eyes. “Look I’m not saying you have to shag any of them, but you need to get out of the dorms more. I’m worried about you. Since the Christmas holidays you haven’t seemed … yourself.”

  I bowed my head over my coffee. I didn’t like talking about my medication, not even with Isabel, despite it being a part of my life for the last year or so. “I just need some more time to adjust, that’s all. This project we’re doing is helping me despite what you think, and I reckon it’s going to get us a good grade. I’ll be fine, I promise, I just need time to unwind now and again.”

  “You spend nearly all of your time cooped up in your room, and if you’re not there, I can’t find you. Do you already have someone you’re spending time with? Is that why you’re being so cagey?”

  I couldn’t help but snort with laughter. She looked affronted for about two seconds before she playfully shoved my arm, “Well? Do you have someone?”

  I shook my head, “You’d know before I did if that were true.”

  “True,” she agreed, “Still! You have been distant. I feel like I haven’t spent much time with you.” She pouted sweetly. “Alright, well why don’t you come out with me this weekend? There
’s a party at one of the houses a few blocks from campus. Let’s go together and see if we can get you interested in someone.”

  I wrinkled my nose, “Do I have to? You know I don’t really like those parties.”

  “And that’s why you’re boring,” she tutted with an affectionate smile, “Please come, Aves? We haven’t been out in ages! You need some fresh air and time away from that dusty library.”

  “You know I love the library.” I rolled the idea over in my head and felt my stomach knot. Isabel loved to go to a party every now and then, and sometimes I’d join her when I had nothing else to do on a Friday night. I raked a hand through my hair, and tried not to let my mind cloud over with the images of the lucid dream I’d had the night before. They were getting even more eccentric as well as clearer and longer. It was on the cusp of becoming a virtual reality. I sighed heavily and shrugged, “I guess that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Besides, it’s either that or playing a concerto in ‘A’ minor in the auditorium.” “Is it alright if I bring someone with me too?” she asked, somewhat hesitantly, her eyes darting down to her folded hands.

  “Are you telling me, you’re dragging me along as part of a third-wheel sort of scenario?”

  “You see this is the awkward part,” she murmured, a jittery smile catching on her lips. My stomach flooded with dread as I stared at her. “It’s this guy, Callum, I’ve been talking to. I get the studio after him most times and we got to talking about a week ago and he invited me out. It’s just –I don’t want to be left alone if it all fucks up, so I said I’d only go if he could bring someone for my friend.”

  At the rushed tone of her voice I felt my muscles turn to stone. She peeked up through her dip-dyed blue fringe and bit down on her bottom lip, trying to gauge my reaction. My mouth unlatched and simply hung there for a little while as I let my brain soak up her words. “Er … Okay, so it’s a double-date?” She nodded her head, still looking unsure of my reaction. Eventually I sighed. The truth was Isabel hadn’t had a decent relationship since before mine had ended. “Fine. Do I even know the guy?” She dipped her gaze again and this time I felt the anger swell at the base of my skull. “What? It is a guy, right?” She hesitated a moment before shaking her head back and forth.

  “What!” Several heads turned to look over at us and I quickly lowered my voice to a hiss as I leaned over the table to her, “It’s a girl? What the fuck? Doesn’t he know I’m gay?”

  “I don’t know but he just assumed you were straight and well … I didn’t correct him.”

  “Why not?”

  She threw her hands up in the air, “Jesus Christ, Aves, who cares? At the very least you’ll have another friend to talk to! Why is that such a bad thing?”

  “Do ‘false pretenses’ mean nothing to you, after what Dylan did?” I bit out through clenched teeth, referring to her moron of an ex-boyfriend who’d dated about three other girls at the same time.

  “It’s nothing like Dylan!” she hissed angrily. “I just want to go and see what he’s like and if nothing else I can come and hang out with you and Jenny afterwards if he turns out to be an arsehole.”

  I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, “Fine, whatever. I’ll go, just make sure that you tell her I am gay. I don’t want her to get drunk and start dry-humping me.”

  “Fine I’ll let her know.”

  I studied her for a few moments before I threw down a tenner and stood up. “I’ll text you later. I need to get some practice in before dinner tonight.”

  “Is Casper going to be there?” her lips curled upwards slightly in a disdainful sneer.

  “Don’t know, maybe. It’s a free country.” I left before she could reply.

  *

  I couldn’t think; the rage was too great for me to control it as I hammered away at the slippery keys under my fingers. They wet with sweat as I pounding them down, over and over, forcing the tempo to my limits. I was trying to make it as loud as I could to fend off the screaming in my head, all of it directed at Isabel. I bashed my fingers down so hard I was sure they’d break. My whole body was like a burning ball of anger and there was no way it was simmering down. I could feel hot, ugly tears brimming and soon spilling down my cheeks. Every part of my body was on fire as I kicked at the pedal, slammed my fists on the over and over and over until all the sounds blurred together in my head drowning out the hollowness of my burning body. I battered everything within arm’s length until I stood up and kicked the stool away. It screeched across the floor.

  I didn’t care.

  I slammed my fists into the walls, the anger throbbing deep in my bones. I needed air –I wanted to get outside –but the walls were starting to warp through my tears. I slipped on the stage. The wind was punched from my lungs as the floor came up to meet my body. I was left reeling with a heavy buzzing in my ears as I rolled over to stare up at the ceiling, the anger dribbling away to leave nothing but a gaping emptiness in its wake.

  As the red mist shrank away, I felt a single hot tear run down my cheek before I released a heavy breath, my heart lurching. My arms started to tremble. I clamped my mouth shut as sobs tried to break free. I wouldn’t sob like a stupid child over Isabel’s idiocy of all things.

  It was just so unfair! She was asking me to change who I was for a guy she barely knew. Why did it matter anyway? She said so herself, if things didn’t look good, she’d ditch him. My leg jerked out in a random kick on the floor. The anger threatened to rear up again.

  I flinched at the sound of shoes crossing to the raised platform I was lying on. A new heat spread through me, humiliation at being caught in such a pathetic position. I didn’t bother to turn my head as the rustling of jeans brushing together came closer and then stopped about a foot away from me. The aroma that made my stomach curl up inside me wasn’t Isabel’s flowery perfume, so I didn’t immediately snap for her to ‘fuck off’.

  I shuddered. I didn’t turn my head to look up as Casper settled down on the floor, his legs crossed beneath him and his arms hanging limply in his lap. I breathed heavily through my nose, my fists still clenched at my sides. He seemed unfazed by all of this. It was a sharp contrast to how Isabel would have been screaming and panicking everywhere. He was a remarkably calming change of pace.

  “Can you just –not say anything remotely sarcastic right now?” I asked in a strained voice.

  “I could try,” Casper murmured, “But where would the fun be in that?”

  I could tell he was trying his hardest to be distracting and deep down, I appreciated the effort. I was just too frustrated with Isabel to let such niceties get the better of me. I simply lie there on the rough wooden floor and listened to my heart beating in my ears. Casper’s voice drew me back to reality, his words rushing over me like a cold wave. “So what exactly do you have?” he asked, his voice crystal clear through the muddiness of my mind. I tensed at the question. “I mean, I know you have something; I’ve been with you at the nurses’ station and seen those pill bottles dotted around your room.”

  “You looked around my room?” I murmured tonelessly.

  He gave a dry little snort, “Of course I did. Wouldn’t you?”

  I couldn’t deny that he had me stumped there. I’d be just as curious in his position, although recent events would have me shitting myself publically before touching Casper’s personal belongings. If his skin and body were off-limits I doubted he’d react well to his possessions being touched. I felt a shiver pass through me as he tapped what I assumed was a pencil or a pen against the floorboards. “Well?” he reached out and poked my knee. It jerked out of reach of the offending object.

  I sighed heavily. “I’m not going to say.”

  “Why not?” he countered, a vague trace of offense tinging his words. “I know you know what I have.” At my frown he continued; “Browser history.”

  “What did you do when I had that shower? Go through my room with a black-light?” I ground out through clenched teeth.

  “No, I left t
hat in my room,” he countered without pause. I ground my teeth harder. He prodded me again with the pencil. “Look you might as well just tell me. Especially if I walk in here for some alone time and watch you trying to torture information from the piano,” he turned his head away from me to look up at the battered old thing before humming, “Judging from appearances the interrogation didn’t go well.”

  “Just piss off will you!” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn’t regret them. I’d gone to the auditorium to be alone and get away from everyone else. His presence was finally starting to annoy me with his cold eyes, rough voice and inability to even put a soothing hand on my chest. At the very least, Isabel would have done that. I just couldn’t be near him –or anyone –right now.

  I tried my best to ignore Casper as he stood and made his way off the platform. I felt relieved. It was quickly shattered, though, when Casper came back into view, looming over me. I winced as he lay down on the floorboards, stretching out alongside me yet keeping a very firm distance of about a foot between us. Every hair on my body stood up on end at the energy humming between our bodies. He was so close I could touch him and yet he felt so far away. I was suddenly flooded with calm, as though Casper was absorbing all the ugly energy from inside my head.

  I visibly trembled and let out a shaky breath as I turned my head to look at him. “I have bipolar disorder,” I rushed in a wet breath. My bottom lip trembled. “I went undiagnosed for too long and by the time I was, it was too far gone to understand it properly. It made me depressed; ironically that was what the doctors caught on to. I –it took me too long to convince anyone it wasn’t just the depression that was wrong with me. They still can’t get my medication right and sometimes I –I forget them. The pills,” I added at his faint frown. “Sometimes I forget them. And then this happens,” I gestured at the piano.