“Turn your head here,” he instructed softly, his hand hovering in the air by my cheek before he turned it. My head willingly followed the motion, the air between my face and his hand almost humming with the need to touch, “Yeah, definitely your right side.”
I frowned as he moved back toward his board on the table. “W-What’re you talking about?”
“Artistic opinion; your right side is better for photos and portraits.”
I reached up to stroke my right cheek, “Why’s that?”
“It has more character to it, like that little mole by your jawline and that small scar by your eyebrow.”
My hand automatically went to the scar. He’d noticed them? No one really paid such close attention to those things. I let my hand drop. I could feel a headache coming on and I didn’t have my pills on me. I let out a groan. I really did need to see Camilla again. That’s when something else popped into my head. “Camilla? Why do you go to see her?”
He hesitated a moment, the pencil frozen in mid-air, “What do you mean?” he asked, his voice suddenly tight.
“Why do you see Camilla?” I repeated just as tightly, my anger bubbling up at the base of my skull. I drew in a deep breath and ploughed on, “I saw you coming out of the office with bandages on your arms –Why?” Now that I asked, it seemed like a stupid question. Casper clearly seemed to think so.
“You’re not the only one with problems in your life, Fletcher,” he replied in a bored tone of voice, the pencil scratches resuming, filling the tense silence between us.
“I just want to get to know you more, why is that so wrong? Why have you been avoiding me?” I knew I sounded desperate. I just wanted to understand.
Casper had the nerve to roll his eyes before shaking his head, “I’ve been busy, working late nights.”
“Okay,” I replied slowly, “But that doesn’t explain why you’ve been avoiding me.”
“I needed some time away from you. I already explained this to you,” he stated almost as though he were talking to a child. His monotonous tone made me bristle. “I’m not a good influence on you. We both know this. Although you should take my advice and see Camilla.”
I scoffed and looked away from him, “Because she’s been such a big help to you?”
I watched his shoulders tense, but he kept his voice remarkably calm as he replied, “Like I said you’re not the only person with problems.”
Furrowing my brow I looked down at the pale arms exposed under the murky lights. The scars shone like they were painted on his skin with varnish, and I felt some of my anger slip away as I edged closer. I felt hesitant as I drew nearer, my heart drumming in my ears. I reached out, mentally noting how he froze. His eyes watched my hand as I gently traced one of the longer scars over his wrist. “Are these the reason why?”
He yanked his arm away from me and backed away a few paces, looking angry. “I told you not to do that!” he hissed out through barred teeth.
“Why not?”
“You know why,” he spat. His eyes were like ice. My chest suddenly felt cold and tight, like I’d been standing out in the rain for too long.
I shook my head in disbelief, trying to ignore the dizziness that overwhelmed me. “That’s not a good enough reason!” I countered, trying to laugh his words off, “You can’t just alienate yourself just because of something that happened years ago!” My mouth was running away from me and it was strange watching two pale pink blotches stain Casper’s cheeks.
“Why not?” he bit out, “You’ve managed to do just the same thing over something you claim not to care about.”
“W-What’re you talking about?”
“Your family, your ex-boyfriend –all of that you claim not to care about and look at you!” he gestured at me, coming to me so I could see deep into the swirling, burning rage within his eyes, “Only just waking up? Soaked in your own sweat? Don’t you dare tell me about what’d be good for me when you can’t even look after yourself!”
I winced as the spittle hit my cheek but I didn’t move away. I refused to back down first. “That has nothing to do with this! I’m stressed! Aren’t I allowed that small human emotion? Or do you not understand that?”
“We all get stressed!” he snarled, “But that’s not what this is. There is something in that fucked up little brain of yours and you need to talk about it!”
“Like you know anything about what I’m going through!” I snapped back, anger flaring through my body. When he didn’t say anything, I turned to look at him properly and frowned at what I saw. He was tense and almost shaking with restraint. “What? You have someone who has bipolar disorder too?” I couldn’t help but scoff a little at the idea. That’s when I noticed just how stiff and awkward he suddenly looked, his eyes trailing on the floor. The realisation of what I’d blurted still hadn’t sunk in as I watched him. His skin was drained white and he looked as though he wanted to argue back but didn’t know what to say. “You know someone, don’t you?” I barely paused for breath as I took a step closer towards him, “Do you have a sister? Or a brother with it?”
“Just get out Fletcher,” he shook his head from side-to-side.
“No,” I snapped, feeling braver than I should’ve done, “You have just as much bottled up so why can’t I help? Why can’t we help each other?” I reached out, as though to touch his hoodie, “Please Casper?”
“Just get out!” he yelled. His fingers clenched into tight fists at his sides, his stance ready to pounce. I backed up a step, my hands up in the air in surrender.
The dizziness turned into a white noise drone in my ears, “I’m sorry I shouldn’t judge you –”
“GET THE FUCK OUT, FLETCHER!”
I froze at the aggression in his voice. I sobered up just enough to see he was serious. He was angry and hurt. I’d caused that and it left me feeling so ashamed. The urge to reach out to him was so strong that I almost followed through with it. Almost. I didn’t want him to attack me and judging by his stance, he was trying to restrain himself from doing just that.
“Yeah okay, I’m going.” I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets and edged around the perimeter of the room towards the doorway. When I got to it, I looked over my shoulder at the rigid figure of Casper. I swallowed thickly, “I’m sorry. I really am.” I didn’t wait for a response and in that moment I don’t think I would’ve wanted to hear anything Casper had to say to me. Yet, I didn’t want to leave the room. Casper got me, in a way that Isabel never would and I needed that understanding, even if neither one of us spoke about it. I shuddered. Seeing Casper looking at me with such pain and hostility in his eyes was enough to make me break. I felt so vulnerable at that moment and my brain was screaming inside my head as I quickly left the room.
I could feel it happening again as I hurried through the darkness outside towards my dorm building. My stomach was twisted into so many knots I felt as though I’d vomit. I couldn’t stop moving. I felt hot, cold and sweaty all at the same time and it hurt to breathe.
The pathway and buildings warped in my vision and I had never been happier to see the inside of my room, as dark as it was as I stumbled into my bathroom. I wrenched the tap on and sucked on some water, knocking my head on the cabinet. I choked the water back up moments later along with my dinner and gagged at the acidic burn at the back of my throat. I was coated in sweat and almost collapsed as I sank to the floor, choking on wet sobs as I dragged my heavy body over to my bed. I was shaking and burning from the inside out as I hauled my dead-weight limbs onto my mattress.
I curled myself into the tightest ball I could and choked on my own breathing. With shaking hands I quickly tapped out a message to Casper on my phone before it fell from my trembling fingers. I burrowed my head into my pillow and tried to take deep calming breaths. I prayed for sleep to overcome me.
Thankfully, my wish was granted.
Chapter Twelve
The sensation of cold pressing down on my forehead shocked me into the following day. I choked on ai
r and jerked upright, only to hear a hushing sound and feel something on my shoulder easing me back down. I grunted as I felt the softness of the pillow cradle my head once again. Humming happily as I burrowed down, the covers coming up around my shoulders, I shivered and drew them closer, trying to breathe deeply. The temptation to go back to sleep was still holding strong inside me, but the light had stung my eyes.
I peered out from the mound of my duvet curled around my arm and frowned as I watched Isabel’s pink and cream striped leggings pace back and forth in front of me. That’s when I realised she wasn’t pacing –she was cleaning my room! I frowned even deeper and tried to understand why she was bothering to clean my room at all. It hadn’t been that bad, surely, to warrant her coming into my room and tidying it all up? I rose a little more from my bed; how had she gotten into my room? Hadn’t I locked the door last night? That’s when I realised, with a shudder, that I hadn’t locked my room or done anything other than collapse into bed and burrow under the covers.
“You don’t have to do that,” I mumbled out over the thrumming inside my skull. I pushed myself upright against the wall, letting my head lull onto one shoulder.
Isabel huffed as she straightened up before looking over her shoulder at me. Her face was clean and fresh and her hair hung in extra fluffy waves down her back. “I know I don’t have to, but someone needs to take care of you,” she tutted gently before expertly dodging over the hoover on the floor. She bent down over the bed and pressed the back of her hand against my forehead. Her skin was soft and cool and soothed the ache I was feeling. Humming, I closed my eyes as I leaned into her touch.
“You’re temperatures gone down,” she murmured softly before cupping my cheek in her palm, “I still think you might need to take a cool bath though.”
I shook my head from side-to-side despite how horrid and heavy it made my head feel. “I don’t wanna,” I groaned out, my throat still thick with sleep.
Isabel shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t care what you have to say, Avery. It’s bath, food and then paracetamol, okay? I’ve already called you in sick. I only had a lecture this morning so I’m completely free now. You’re so lucky none of your stuff was stolen.”
“Forgot to lock my door.”
“I know,” she glanced around the semi-clean room, “Although, how they would’ve found anything to steal is anyone’s guess.”
“I get it,” I groused, “I’m a slob.”
She laughed gently before bending back over the hoover, “I don’t care. It’s almost clean now except for your dirty clothes. That’s something you can help me with.” She smiled over at me. The whir of the hoover came back to life as she ran it over my carpet. As I watched her work, her striped leggings moving back and forth and her long knit jumper rode up and down as she crouched under my desk, I couldn’t help but feel physically sick. The memory of last night was like a foggy haze but all I knew was how awful it had made me feel.
‘And what about how you made Casper feel?’ sneered the voice at the back of my head.
Guilt punched through me as I burrowed under my duvet. I knew I’d been awful to him and I couldn’t help what I’d done. My mouth had run away from me, almost like I’d been drunk. I had wanted to touch him and I had wanted his company, but I hadn’t meant to hurt him. I shouldn’t have pushed. His buttons were too sensitive and I knew I’d gone too far and set the progress of our friendship all the way back to square one. The thought of him hating me made my heart burn. I wanted to cry but knew I couldn’t in front of Isabel. It wasn’t easy, trying to stop my nose from dampening and my eyes from stinging.
When a sob escaped my lips I knew I was lost. Isabel instantly frowned, kicking the hoovers ‘OFF’ button and coming over to standing in front of the bed. She didn’t even need to ask. Words started tumbling out of my mouth, but I was surprised when I realised they had nothing to do with Casper. Despite how desperately I wanted to speak of him, I knew it would only lead to a lecture. One I didn’t want to get into.
“My mum called,” I managed to choke out as hot, thick tears streamed down my face, soaking into the collar of my shirt. I cuffed my nose on the back of my sleeve as I felt the mattress dip under Isabel’s weight.
She looped her arm around my shoulder and hugged me gently. “What did she say?” she murmured softly.
I sniffed and felt my body shudder as I swallowed, “S-She asked if I wanted to come home for the Easter holidays.”
“So soon?” she pulled a face. “What did you say?”
“I told her I’d need to think about it, but she wants to know by tomorrow night.” Isabel handed me a tissue to blow my nose.
“Well do you want to go back home?” she asked. She slipped her fingers through mine and squeezed softly. I squeezed back a little too tightly but she didn’t complain.
“I don’t know. I think the only reason I’d go back home is to see if they’d let me see Katelyn. Other than that, I don’t think I want to go it alone.”
I peered up at her though my greasy hair and she offered me a sympathetic smile, “I’m sorry, Aves, but I’ve got to go back home.” She leaned in and rested her head in the crook of my neck. She squeezed my hand; “I wish there was something I could do. Normally I’d come with you but it’s my mum’s birthday, so I want to be there for it.”
“Yeah it’s alright. I understand. If I do go, I can just go alone. I need to face them all sooner or later, right?” My tears had stopped by that point, and my stomach curled in on itself as I heaved a deep sigh and looked out toward the window; the sky was a soft pale blue and the vaguest hint of sunlight sparkled against the window panes. A new day. Feeling my muscles seize up, I leaned forward and stretched my arms and legs out in front of me before crawling over to the end of the bed. “You know what; I think I will have that bath, if you don’t mind?” I asked gently.
Isabel smiled affectionately, “Alright, sweetie. You can help strip your bed down whilst I run that bath.”
“Strip my bed? Why?”
She shot me an ‘are you serious?’ look before rolling her eyes, “You can’t get clean and then sleep in those sweaty sheets again. It’s gross. You have a spare set in your wardrobe that’s not even opened yet. Put those on, and toss those dirty ones in the wash with your clothes.”
“Your face is gross,” I grumbled as I reached under the covers for a pair of worn, thick socks and pulled them on. That bath really did sound like heaven at that moment.
It didn’t take long to strip the bed down and put the new, fresh sheets on. They were dark blue and thicker, made for winter, and I shivered in anticipation of sleeping in them as soon as I could. As I shoved the sheets into the linen bag with the rest of my dirty clothes, I couldn’t help but smile as I heard Isabel humming to herself alongside the running of bathwater. The aroma of something flowery filled the air and made my stomach growl for food. I pouted in annoyance; I was incredibly hungry but the sheer thought of having to chew and work my jaw filled me with dread. I grabbed a pillowcase and shook it out into its proper shape and stopped mid-action as a small folded piece of paper fluttered out and landed on the soft, clean carpet.
One of Casper’s notes.
My heart throbbed painfully in my chest as I stood, staring at it. I didn’t want to read it, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away with the rest of the rubbish. Straining my ears to make sure that Isabel was still preoccupied in the bathroom, I unfolded the note and held it close as I read the familiar words and handwriting.
‘Fire burns bright in the darkest hour, but it’s the oxygen in the wind that keeps him alive, burning and beautiful.’
That had been the last note he’d sent me. It had been passed underneath my door at the strangest hour of the morning, the day after he’d sent me the video and the unannounced hug I’d given him. I hadn’t expected any other contact from him and I didn’t get any. I knew I’d scared him into a stupor, so the note was a bittersweet shock start to the fortnight I then spent without his comp
any. It was like a cruel little joke he was playing. Those beautiful words haunted me like a dark shadow following me. I shook my head clear of those thoughts and turned to head into the bathroom.
I stared down at the bath full of warm, bubbly water and felt contentment wash through me at how attentive Isabel was being. It had been the same since we were in sixth form together; if I came down ill and stayed off school for the day, she’d stop by afterwards and help take care of me until my parents came home. I often missed those days, and now I was practically reliving one.
I dragged the tracksuit bottoms off my hips, along with my underwear, and tugged my shirt off over my greasy hair before dumping it in the corner behind the door. The water was warm and soothing as I stepped into the tub and let my skin soak down into the clean bubbles. I closed my eyes and hummed as I felt my body wake up a little more. The bubbles tickled and fizzed against my earlobes as I leaned my head against the edge and let my eyes close for a moment.
I didn’t mean to let my thoughts wander to Casper, but apparently my brain had other ideas. It couldn’t let go of how smooth and beautiful his eyes and skin were and how wonderful he’d smelled that night when I’d hugged him. His beautiful handwriting and his dry, sarcastic tone of voice seemed a long way out of my reach. I ached to get them back. I missed the little notes he’d press into my hand as we walked down opposite lengths of the corridors. I missed the small tweak of a smile he’d offer me. I missed the looks he’d give me when he thought I wasn’t looking, and the way he’d duck his eyes away from mine when I faced him. I missed the way he’d torment Isabel with his dry wit, and a small smile came to my mouth as I remembered some of his quips.
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