Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  I glanced down saw the paperclip bundle that had grown in my pocket throughout the day, gleaming in the dim light. I bit down on the inside of my cheek and curled my fingers into tight fists. My mouth tasted sour and I could feel the hairs on my prickling skin stand up on end. ‘That’s it!’ I slammed my hands on my desk.

  “I need a fag,” I mumbled as I yanked my bedside table so far open it almost fell out to the floor. I knew I shouldn’t be smoking, but I could feel my anxiety spiking through the roof and I really needed a quick fix to the problem. I needed to feel the nicotine rushing through me and dulling the erratic emotions spiralling through my mind. I raked my hand through my hair as I rummaged around for my lighter. Finally I felt the cold plastic under my palm and I felt my heart leap. “Finally!”

  I swiped my key-card off my counter and slipped out into the florescent-lighted corridor. I blinked in irritation at the sudden onslaught of light but tried not to let it bother me as I ducked my head and followed the hallway down towards the stairwell.

  *

  The loose gravel crunched under my trainers as I moved around the outskirts of the dorm buildings and over towards the Music Department. I didn’t mind the walk; it helped to clear my head and the constant ache in my limbs from the cold kept me awake and alert. I just needed to be up in that freezing air for a little while; to feel both isolated and on top of the world at the same time left me feeling exhilarated. I could practically taste the nicotine on my tongue already and the anticipation of it would only make the real thing that much sweeter.

  As I came to a stop at the base of the building I craned my neck back to take in the sheer size of it all; the metal of the ladder gleamed down at me through the gloom and I felt cold dread inside my stomach. I shook my head and focused on where I placed my feet, not wanting to skid on the damp bricks. Grinding my teeth together I finally managed to pull myself up onto the first rung of the metal ladder. Trying my best to ignore the icy bite beneath my palms, I began my climb.

  As I neared the top I mentally congratulated myself once again about never telling Isabel about my rooftop getaway. She would scold me for climbing to dangerous heights in the dark as well as for the secret smoking. I didn’t need another lecture; so I knocked off a few years off my life? Who would care?

  I sighed heavily, watching the vapour rise in front of my mouth. Grunting, I hauled myself over the precipice of the building. The brick bit through my jeans. I felt my lungs sting with the cold and it hurt to breathe properly. I should have been surprised when I finally caught the scent of cigarette smoke floating into the air; as soon as I caught the familiar whiff, I frowned heavily and whipped around on the ledge and almost choked at what I saw.

  “What are you doing here?” I called out against the whistling wind and found how withdrawn and hollow my voice sounded.

  Casper turned lazily on his heel to look over at me, his usual mask of cold indifference on his face. His right arm drooped down at the elbow, his fingers holding his cigarette limply. He let out a plume of smoke that drifted and swirled in front of his face, the smoky wisps dancing around his hard, grey eyes. His lips looked pale as they blew the smoke out and I was sure the bags under his eyes were darker than I remembered. My heart was hard and heavy in my chest; I felt as though the weight of it was going to crush my insides. I drew in a sharp breath, almost relishing in the sting it left behind in my lungs. I watched as he drew the cigarette back to his lips before taking a slow draw. Smoke blew out of his lips as he said, “It’s a free country, isn’t it? I can smoke wherever I like –so long as the professors don’t find out.”

  I let his words wash over me and felt a tremor wrangle my heartstrings. I had missed his voice and wanted to stand a little closer to him. However, somehow I knew that the several meters between us were the safest distance. I suddenly felt cold and more isolated then I’d thought possible. I just needed to get to my hidden stash of cigarettes and then I’d be fine. I could stand at the other end of the roof if he didn’t want my company. I was dying for a smoke and I wasn’t about to turn with my tail between my legs and slink off back to my room without a hit of nicotine. I slid off the ledge, my trainers crunching over the thin layer of grit over to where I had my cigarettes hidden away.

  As I reached under the metal grille, I winced as my fingers closed around something that felt like soaked card. “No,” I groaned, “No, no, no, no, No!” I stood up to kick the vent a couple of times. “Fuck!” I clawed my hands through my hair.

  “Problems, Fletcher?” Casper’s voice caught my ear and I felt the blood rush to my cheek.

  I was torn between being sarcastic, but found that I honestly didn’t have the energy. “Cigarettes got wet. They’re fucked.”

  He didn’t respond for a while. I couldn’t look at him –my temples were still throbbing with the effort to not start screaming out in frustration.

  The tip of a cigarette appeared in my view. I jumped away from it. Frowning, I turned to look at Casper as he stood there, an eyebrow raised at me. When had he moved closer to me? How had he managed to do it so quietly? The wind hadn’t been that loud. I glanced from his eyes, to the cigarette and back again, my breath hitching as I reached out to grab the offering. His hand dropped away and time resumed as before. I felt my stomach flip as I felt for my lighter in my pocket, but didn’t take my eyes away from Casper’s. The tip sizzled as I lit it and drew in a long, slow breath before letting the smoke plume out. Finally I closed my eyes as ecstasy washed through me and the jittery feeling I’d felt the entire walk up there, eased a little bit.

  I took another draw from the cigarette. I watched the smoke as it trailed through my lips and the smell caught sharp and heavy in my nose. I tried to move all of my body parts to have something else to focus on other than Casper leaning a few paces away from me and smoking lazily, the ash flicking away in the harsh breeze. “I’m sorry about those things that I said,” I spoke before realizing what I was doing. “I …I shouldn’t have pushed you. Is … Is there anything I can do to make you …Want to be friends again?”

  He didn’t respond. At this point I wasn’t expecting him to even breathe in my direction. I felt my heart stutter as barely ten seconds passed before his voice replaced the wind in my ears. “I told you this sort of thing wouldn’t work between us, Fletcher, but you didn’t want to listen to me,” he sighed in a resigned manner. He turned his head to look at me from under heavily-lidded eyes.

  “I know you did and even though I don’t know as to why that would be,” I fixed him with a pointed look. “I still know that … Whatever we had –I don’t want to let it go. I’ve let so many things slip me by and –” I drew in a deep breath and growl, “Oh fuck this! I like you okay?”

  To his credit, Casper’s eyes only widened a fraction as he brought his cigarette up to his lips before taking a slow, deliberate drag of it. It was pathetic how much I envied that cigarette. He blew out the smoke and hummed softly to himself before dropping his gaze to the floor. “I know you do,” was all he said.

  I glared at him incredulously, “That’s it?” I snapped, “That’s all you have to say? No snarky comebacks, no thinly-veiled contempt to shoot my way?”

  “Please,” he scoffed, “I save the good stuff for your little friend.”

  I felt my lips curl up in a sneer. “You can’t even look at me, can you?” I hated the desperate tone in my voice, but it was true; he kept his eyes deftly on the floor whilst smoking his cigarette down to a stub.

  Casper sighed before flicking the butt away. I watched as the embers fizzled out on the cold, damp roof. He ran his fingers through his fringe in a long, slow sweep. “Do we really have to get into this now? It’s freezing up here.” As if for emphasis, his body trembled with the cold.

  “I don’t see you offering to talk anywhere else.”

  He rolled his eyes but still refused to turn and look at me. “What do you want me to say, Fletcher? I barely do friendships and you’re just … You’re …”

&n
bsp; I edged closer, my shoulders tense as his features grew sharper. “I’m –what?” I snapped, exasperated.

  No sooner had the words left my mouth that the sky was alive and crackling with forks of lightning. The deep, core-shaking roar of the thunder blared in my eardrums. The thick heavy raindrops started racing down to explode on our skin and I gasped at how much colder I became as it splattered against my scalp.

  Casper cursed under his breath as he pressed his back against the brick wall behind us, the faint shelter keeping the worst of the rain from his head. I mirrored his movements, flicking my cigarette out into the forming puddles before wrapping my arms around my waist, clinging desperately to the drying warmth of my jacket. My teeth started to chatter and the rain leaked into my trainers through the small hole I’d forgotten about until that moment. The cold water and sent shivers racking up my legs. I hugged my body tighter and tucked my chin against my chest as my body shook. Next to me, Casper was in much the same predicament, however, he had come without a jumper or a coat. I was reminded of that wet night when we’d both gotten stuck outside in the rain. His body was shaking violently and his jaw was clenched against the chattering of his teeth. I was just about to open my mouth and make a snarky comeback when a huge gust of wind whipped a curtain of rain onto us, soaking right through our jeans.

  “Fuck!” he cursed. He breathed into his wet hands. I felt sorry for him.

  “We should get back to the dorms!” I called out through the harsh whistle of the wind. Casper didn’t object. He merely nodded before turning and leading the way down off of the roof.

  Within twenty minutes we’d made it back to the small alcove outside our dorm building only to find that the door was locked and our keys weren’t working. I grunted as I pressed the intercom, alerting the night security team that we were locked out. I hadn’t realised just how late it had gotten since I’d left. I was cold, wet and miserable and just wanted to get back inside to the warmth of my room. I didn’t want to be outside with Casper any longer, ironic really considering just how much I’d wanted to be near him over the last couple of weeks. His silence was irritating and when he did speak, he’d blow any illusion I had of us repairing what weak friendship we’d had, to smoke.

  “If it makes you feel any better,” Casper began, his dry voice wavering as his teeth chattered, “I’ve been having a pretty shit week myself.”

  “Yeah,” I replied stiffly, “I’m sure it’s been dreadful.”

  Casper gave me a side-ways glance before he shook his head slowly, “Well it has. No sleep, no coffee and now I’m stuck outside with a narrow-minded classmate who would rather be anywhere else right now.”

  “Of course I would be!” I snapped out, “It’s fucking freezing out here!”

  “You’re telling me,” he grumbled as he held his hands out in front of him. I couldn’t help but look too; his skin was almost as white as marble and his nails were blue. His entire body was racking with jolts and every muscle was stiff. Finally, he turned to me with a somewhat pleading look in his pale grey eyes, and I was struck by just how human he looked in that moment.

  “A-Avery …” his voice quivered. I swear I had never heard my name sound so beautiful then it did in that moment. My breath hitched and all I could do was look down at those wet, trembling hands to his pleading eyes. His lip quivered as he held his hands towards me, “P-P-Please?”

  I swallowed thickly but could find no words to object. Not this time. I reached out my numbing fingers towards his, the distance between us seeming too vast to properly touch him. As soon as my fingers slipped along his own and wrapped around them, I felt my heart drum painfully against my chest at the same time that the world seemed to stop. His skin was icy to the touch –how on earth was I warmer than him? And that’s when it hit me; he was letting me touch him!

  My eyes snapped up to his.

  He held my gaze for a moment with heavily-lidded eyes. The muscle in his jaw ticked and I knew that he was trying so hard to allow this moment to remain untainted. I felt a wave of affection run through every vein, filling me up and wiping away the anger that had bubbled at the base of my skull for weeks. I smoothed my fingertips over his cold, wet skin. Over and over, I rubbed his hands in circles, steadily getting faster as I tried to get warmth to ebb back into him. He flinched once or twice, and continued to tremble. I pretended not to notice how his lean body braved another few inches towards mine. He was so beautiful. Handsome, yes, and arrogantly charming in a very sarcastic way, of course, but in this watered-down light with the sheen of rain still glistening on his cheek, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

  “Are your hands feeling any better?”

  Casper gave a stiff little nod, “I c-can feel my fingers a l-little more now.”

  “Well, I’m glad one of us can.”

  He frowned at me then, his dark brows knitting together, his red rimmed eyes glancing back down to our entwined hands. I suddenly felt his fingers move in mine, and ever-so-gently they started to lace together, his thumb rubbing against my own fingers. Not only was I touching him, but he was touching me back!

  “T-This feels nice,” he muttered, more to himself than to me.

  I quirked an eyebrow at him. “You sure about that?”

  “Yeah … I w-wouldn’t mind doing this again.”

  “Which part?” I asked, “The getting stuck on the roof part, the two week ignoring of one another part, or … Well, this?”

  Casper laughed –he actually laughed, a random burst of joyful sound between us. I was so caught off-guard that I barely realised that by that point we were just holding hands, no rubbing required. He looked up at me and gave me the most beautiful smile that completely transformed his face, “This … Made the two weeks, worth it.”

  I smiled and looked up at him, “Maybe next time, we won’t have to wait two weeks.”

  “Sounds good to me,” he murmured, his body still leaning close to mind. My chest felt tight as I studied his wet jawline, the water trickling down his throat.

  “Are you the two boys who called us?” called a voice from behind us, making us jump as though an electrical charge shot us apart.

  It was one of the Night Security guards, brandishing a key to the building along with a large umbrella over his head. I nodded my head mutely, before I shuffled aside and glanced at Casper over his shoulder as he punched in a code, slid the key into the lock and opened the door. “Have a good night then you two,” he stated gruffly. We thanked him, slipped inside and were mounting the stairs before the door clicked shut.

  At the end of the corridor, just outside Casper’s dorm door, we both came to a stop. “So … Do you think we could meet up in the auditorium Monday night?”

  Casper hummed and gave me a short, twitching smile as he opened his door. “If you like. I can show you something I’ve been working on.”

  I felt a little awkward, “Sounds good. I’d love it if you could hear what I’ve been doing.” I shifted. “So … friends?”

  He looked me up and down, water still dripping from his jaw, before nodding. “Sure … Friends.”

  I tried to ignore the leap my heart gave as he closed the door in my face, leaving me to wander back to my room, feeling a million pounds lighter for the first time in months.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Valentine’s Day landed on a Saturday this year, much to my chagrin as it meant whatever weekend plans I had would be scarpered by the couples swarming everywhere. Normally, this would have made me scowl all week. However, my late night meeting with Casper on the roof had forced my mouth into a permanent smile. I seemed to drift from lesson to lesson, and my daily paperclip chains were almost non-existent. I intended to tell Camilla in my Friday appointment. However on the Wednesday afternoon, after two straight days of smiling, Isabel finally dug her elbow into my side as we made our way for our morning coffee.

  “What’s gotten you so chirpy, eh?” she asked as we ducked into the coffee shop, out of the wind.

  �
��Just feeling good this week. Why? Jealous of my good mood?” I grinned as nudged her forward in the queue.

  She scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Oh yes I am so jealous!”

  I smiled as we shuffled along towards the counter. “So what do you have planned for Valentines weekend?”

  She shrugged, “A few of us girls from my literature class were going to see that ‘Fifty Shades’ film.”

  I grimaced down at her, “Ironically?”

  She nodded. “For me at least. Some of those girls wouldn’t know good literature if it came up and cracked their skulls open.”

  I couldn’t help but snicker at the mental imagery as Isabel leaned over the counter to order her drink. I went up to the counter after and ordered my usual. The girl behind the counter smiled at me, “So where’s your friend today?” she asked with a teasing smile.

  I frowned, my head automatically turning to where Isabel was bent over the sandwiches in the cabinet. “She’s right there,” I said.

  She smiled and shook her head, “No, your other friend. The guy with the dark hair.”

  “Oh!” realisation dawned on me that she was the friendlier girl who often served Casper. “He’s in a lecture at the moment.” It felt almost alien talking about Casper so casually when he wasn’t around.

  “Ah that’s too bad,” she tilted her head as she mixed the milk into my drink; “You two look sweet together.”

  I felt my jaw drop as she placed my cup on the counter and slid it over towards me, making sure that our hands didn’t touch. When I cocked an eyebrow in question at her, she grinned at me, winked and then handed me my change. No touching required. I couldn’t help but grin as she gave me one last smile before turning her attention to her next customer. I drifted away from the counter, coffee in hand, and fell in step alongside Isabel as we made our way outside.