His hard gaze lingered on me for a while before he pinched the bridge of his nose, “It’s called ‘Lexapro’. It’s a fairly strong medication for ‘General Anxiety Disorder’, which is apparently what I was diagnosed with. It’s one of the reasons I don’t sleep as much as I should.” He gave me a weak little grin, “So now you know my secret for no sleeping.”
My throat was so dry it almost burned.“A-And the tablets? Why don’t you take those anymore?”
“Camilla was helping to wean me off them before you and I officially met,” he twiddled the pencil between his fingers. “I still have to take them at least twenty-four hours before a stressful situation, for example your mum’s barbeque this Sunday, but otherwise I don’t feel like I need to rely on them as much anymore.”
“Does it freak you out, not being on them anymore?” My palms sweated. Was I dreading his answer? It wasn’t like I wanted him to be on the medication any more.
He took a few moments to answer. He had his voice kept low and level. “Yeah … It does.”
“What about your cousin? You never told me what happened to him.”
He gave me a deadpan look. “He went to prison obviously. You don’t think I’d go home on the holidays if he were still around, do you?” I shook my head. “Good,” he raked a hand through his hair before tossing the pencil down, “Alright that’s it! I can’t concentrate anymore! It’ll have to do.”
“So can I move then?” I asked feeling jolted by the sudden change of topic. He nodded. “Thank God!”
I crouched down and did a couple of squats and stretched my arms back and forth before dragging my jeans up over my hips. Buckling the belt as I walked, I crossed the room and nestled my chin into the crook of Casper’s shoulder. He tensed a little before dropping his head back against me. “Can I see?” I asked, reaching for the book.
He slapped my hand away, “Don’t get cheeky now.”
“Me, cheeky?” I gaped at him, “You’re the one who’s been staring at my cock for two hours!”
His chuckle vibrated through me as I straightened up a little, “Yeah well it’s a pretty impressive cock.”
“Such flattery will only get you so far,” I teased before placing a light, lingering kiss to his lips.
He latched onto my mouth, his tongue hot and eager and his fingers curling tightly in my hair. I groaned at the pressure and grazed my fingernails down his spine, delighting in the shudder that ran through him.
With one final groan his knees quaked and he ducked away from my mouth. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen and red. “What’s wrong?” I panted.
“I heard the front door,” he gasped out, raking his hands through his hair and itching at his wrists awkwardly. He quickly hurried to get back into his own jeans and collared shirt. I did the same and opened the blinds, hissing weakly at the sudden onslaught of light.
I’d just settle down into the wicker chair whilst Casper had stiffly seated himself down on the sofa, when the door to the conservatory clicked open. The relief I felt when Katie poked her head around the door was almost suffocating. She grinned when she saw how flushed we both were. Her grin went from ‘cute’ to ‘mischievous’. “Hey boys, whatcha doing?”
“Nothing,” Casper deadpanned.
“Bullshit nothing!” she came into the room and closed the door swiftly behind her. “So, plans for tonight?”
Shrugging, I glanced over at Casper who didn’t look up from where his gaze was burning a hole through the sketchbook. “Er … Don’t think we have any plans. Why?”
“Dad’s gone out to get us take-away and pick up mum. I figured I’d come and break up whatever you two were doing,” she winked at me and I felt my cheeks burn. “PLUS, Dad really wants this whole family night thing going on before we get our arses dragged to church so … Big smiles!” she flashed me her teeth. She sauntered over and sat down on the arm of my chair. “So kiddies, what were you two up to while I was out?”
“We were fucking,” Casper deadpanned, “Can’t you tell? Avery’s shirt is sticking out of his zipper.”
Like a total loser, I jerked my head down, desperate to quickly tuck my shirt back inside. There was nothing there. “You are such a wanker!” I groaned out as I tossed a pillow at his head. He chuckled low in his throat. Katie was blushing bright red and snickering. “Oh don’t you start!” I whimpered as I buried my head in my hands.
“You two are too cute. You didn’t … really er …” she gestured between the two of us and Casper cackled as I blushed even brighter.
“Of course we did,” he stated seriously, “We fucked in that chair.”
“EW!” she jumped up from my chair and hastily wiping her butt and legs down of imaginary germs. “Gross, gross, gross, gross, GROSS!” she squealed, flapping around in a childish dance.
I burst out laughing. Casper smirked as she finally stopped dancing about and mock-glared at the both of us. “You two suck!” with a flick of her hair she straightened up and smiled, “Alright I’m going to change into my jammies and chill out, are you going to be in here all afternoon or what?”
Shaking my head, I stretched my arms and double-checked that my buttons were still fastened properly. “Nah we’ll probably be in the living room once we’ve gotten these shirts ready for Sunday.”
She wrinkled her nose, “Sex shirts, really guys? I don’t think even Jesus could forgive that.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Sunday; the day I’d been dreading was finally upon us. I’d had to set my alarm the night before and waking up at eight o’clock was never a good thing. My eyes felt dry and raw as I blindly brushed my teeth and teased my hair into a decent style. By the time I was in the process of dragging my dark slacks over my hips and slipped my collared shirt on, I was starving and desperate for a tall, cold drink.
Casper had shuffled about in much the same fashion as me, having slept in his own bed last night there were more than a few kinks in his muscles that he struggled to work out. As I watched his pale back gleam in the early morning light, I almost reached and touched him but didn’t want to risk a fist in the jaw. He fiddled with his buttons as I adjusted my tie. Mum insisted that I dress accordingly. It wasn’t like we were American or anything, even though I’m sure she would have loved that. Rolling my eyes at the thought, I was jolted out of my daydreaming as Casper bumped into me, swaying on his feet as though he were sleep-walking. He grunted as I grasped his shoulders and steadied him a little before he groaned and turned his head away from the window.
“Can you … um …” he gestured lamely at his tie that was hanging limply down his chest.
Through my sleep-fogged brain I managed to thread his tie and adjusted it under his collar. “There you go,” I smiled drowsily, “Perfect.”
He made a sound at the back of his throat, swayed a little more, “Breakfast?”
“Yeah downstairs,” I nodded towards the bedroom door.
It took us a little while for us to make it downstairs. The steps kept warping under my feet as I steadily maneuvered my way down to get to the kitchen. Casper followed close behind. I couldn’t hear Katie’s voice so I doubted she was awake yet, probably cutting it rather fine according to my mum. The thought of facing my mum was daunting. Since the first evening we’d spent together as a family, we’d pretty much stayed out of one another’s way as much as possible. We might as well have been strangers.
Casper grunted sleepily beside me, the sluggishness in his movement was enough to worry me. He needed to take another one of his anxiety tablets and I was worried about how he’d be whilst on them. We walked down into the kitchen. The bright lights stung at my eyes and the smell of coffee was almost toxic. I felt sick as the aroma clung to the back of my throat. The chatter died away a little. I made a bit of a show of dragging myself stiffly over to the medicine drawer and taking out one of my pills and another one of Casper’s. He eyed the thing with such distaste that I swore the pill would disintegrate in my palm. We downed the chalky tablets, my gag refl
ex kicking in and almost making me gag around my water. Casper turned away from my parents, cast me one last glance from under his fringe before turning and heading upstairs. I watched him go, making no secret of the fact that I was watching his arse in those slacks, before turning my disgruntled expression on my parents. The look my mum was giving me could have made milk curdle whilst my dad had a pinched, resigned expression as if silently begging me not to start anything. At least not so early in the morning.
“So when are people coming this afternoon?” I asked as I poured another glass of water. My dad raised his eyebrows.
“People should be arriving here a little after one, I should think.”
“That’s a long time after Church,” I commented dryly.
“Well we want to give everybody time to go home, change into something more casual and decompress before coming over here to stuff their faces.” He tried to grin but it looked too strained. In the bleak light he looked a lot older than he was, the few silvery threads in his hair shining in the brightness.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. My mum’s eyes burned through my skull as though she was trying to cleanse my mind. There was no way that was even possible, especially not after yesterday. Spending all that time almost naked and hard, but not allowed to touch or be touched properly, was so arousing it made my teeth hurt. Biting down on my tongue to control my thoughts, I reached inside my collar and fingered the St. Christopher’s coin at my neck. I only ever wore it for church and mostly just to appease my mum. Somehow she seemed to think that wearing it would absolve me of my sins. Unfortunately, there were some things that weren’t even in God’s power –not whilst I was alive at the very least.
Mum shook her head as she sipped her tea before glancing up at the clock, “Is your sister up yet?”
I looked around myself in mock bewilderment, “Why no. No she isn’t.”
“Don’t start today, Avery. I do not need this before we go to church. We are going to go as a family and repent, and then we will come home and socialize with our friends and you are to keep your inappropriate attraction to yourself.” She glared over at me as she set her mug down harder than necessary.
“Inappropriate attraction?” I snapped, “What on earth are you talking about?”
My dad sighed to himself but we both ignored him. Mum narrowed her eyes at me and lowered her voice. “You don’t think we’ve noticed, do you?” she hissed, “You don’t think that it’s not obvious how you look at him and how uncomfortable he is around you?”
I snorted. “In case you didn’t notice –which you clearly didn’t because your arse doesn’t have eyeholes –Casper has a condition. He is uncomfortable around everybody. That includes you, me, dad and Katie.”
Rolling her eyes at me she gave a bitter little laugh. “Regardless, you should be grateful that you even have a friend willing to stay over. I know I wouldn’t be comfortable if I had a lesbian friend who shared my room. I’d be too worried that she’d try something when I was sleeping.”
My jaw dropped. Dad choked on his tea. Had she really just said those words? I was incredulous for a few moments, just trying to wrap my head around her bigotry before forcing my voice to work. “Are … Are you serious?”
“Mildred that’s a bit excessive isn’t it?” dad hedged warily.
She cut her glare to him, “Well don’t you think it’s inappropriate for him to have some sordid crush on a poor boy who is clearly uncomfortable?”
“If that were the case then yes it would be.”
“What are you trying to say?” she snapped.
“That if Casper was truly uncomfortable with Avery’s sexuality, then I highly doubt he would’ve agreed to come here for the holidays.”
“Unless he was coerced-”
“Mum!” I yelled, effectively silencing her. “I can’t even convince you that it’s okay that I’m gay, what the bloody hell makes you think I can convince a homophobe to come and spend the holidays with me?”
Despite her obvious speechlessness, she still managed to look thoroughly enraged. She opened her mouth as though to say something. Thankfully she didn’t get the chance.
“We’re not interrupting anything, are we?” Katie asked timidly from the kitchen doorway, Casper looming just over her shoulder. He frowned out at me and mouthed, ‘Are you okay?’ I nodded, despite how obvious the lie was.
“No, sweetie, you’re not,” Dad assured her, shifting his sleeve up to check the time despite the clock looming on the wall. He needed a physical distraction. I needed a smoke. “Alright I want everyone in the car in the next ten minutes otherwise I’ll leave you behind!” He walked out of the kitchen, being careful to side-step Casper, before hurrying out of the front door. I desperately wanted to follow him but I was rarely one to run away from bigots, even if they were my own mum.
My blood boiled but as soon as Casper’s grey eyes fixed on mine, it simmered down. I tried to stop myself from getting too angry. We still had at least two hours of church to get through. There was no reason to make it anymore awkward than it already was.
It wasn’t until we got out of the car at the church that I noticed what Casper had disappeared upstairs for, and why my mum was giving him an especially cold shoulder. The fog in my head had cleared just enough for me to make out the subtle details; black nail varnish, eyeliner and the impression of something hanging under his shirt. Of course thanks to the tie he was wearing I couldn’t see anything other than the flash of a silver clasp at the nape of his neck. I felt my stomach knot pleasurably as Dad parked the car.
Outside small groups of people shuffled along in light jackets and formal looking trousers and shirts as they drifted up the paved path to the church. The sky was a bright blue and the sun gently warmed us. The back of my neck was on fire but I tried to ignore it as we made our way up to the open doors that led into the cool, shaded building. I stepped into the shadows and dipped my fingers into the Holy water, making the sign of the cross and kissing my fingers before stepping over the hearth. Casper followed my lead with such grace I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been to church before. Mum and Dad walked ahead of us and the three of us followed close behind. Slipping along the pews was a challenge as well as trying not to choke on the cloying scent of dried palm leaves and scented oil. I ached to itch at my skin or to duck back out into the sunshine and have one of the smokes I’d secreted in the pockets of my slacks.
As the congregation stood to face the altar, Casper held out his hand and leaned over to whisper, “See? I’m in a church and haven’t burst into flames.”
“Yeah,” I murmured back, “but there’s still time.”
My mum’s sharp hiss brought me back to reality.
“In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit-” I obediently made the sign of the cross over my body, “-Peace be with you.”
“And also with you.”
I suddenly felt like a filthy little sinner, standing there when I should have thrown myself down on the cold marble floor and begged the Almighty for forgiveness of my sins. At least, that was what my mum wanted me to do. Instead, I simply bowed my head in silence and waited for permission to be seated before the sermon began.
The priest’s voice was low and echoed out across the hall, filling every dark shadow with the sound of how our Lord had risen from his tomb. As familiar as it all was, I couldn’t help but feel a little on edge; I could feel the weight of several eyes on the back of my head and the hairs at my nape stood up on end. The stained glass windows glimmered with the heat of the sun and the cool air brought in the scent of warm grass and flowers to mix with the scented oil. Katie shifted in her seat stuck between Casper and a wiry woman with cropped reddish hair. To his credit, Casper wasn’t fidgeting or hyperventilating just yet, and we were already ten minutes into the service. I suppose that only in churches there are small miracles to take pleasure in.
Casper shifted in his seat; his thigh was hot and strong through our slacks and it stirred so
mething within my belly. I cast my eyes up at the ceiling and silently pleaded, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ It was a sick joke. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Casper shift again. Glancing at him, I saw that he was watching me and tugging awkwardly at his tie.
‘Are you okay?’ he mouthed.
I shrugged, ‘I guess.’
He reached down between us and discreetly took my hand in his own. He gave a light squeeze and I held on like he was my life-line.
“And now we shall sing Hymn 208,” declared the priest.
I stood up from the pew and snatched a small hymn book from the shelf in front of me. As I shuffled to the correct page I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. A shiver ran through me as the mass of people started to sing, the high ceiling echoing with their blended voices. Beside me Casper sang, his voice unusually clear despite his usual light rasp. I could only wonder what he thought of my own singing. Katie’s voice was soft and shy as the song drew to a close and we were asked to be seated once again.
For the rest of the service I felt my mind wander back and forth as prayers were chanted, hymns were sung and my neck got a twinge in it from how often I’d bow my head in prayer. By the time we filed out to walk up to the altar and accept the wafer along with the customary sip of red wine my knees were creaking like an old man’s and my bones were aching dully. Casper followed my lead, thankfully, and as far as I could tell my mum didn’t have anything to hiss on the matter. How could she complain? He dressed decently –despite the eyeliner and nail varnish –and hadn’t spent the entire service making sarcastic remarks. It was as close to ‘saintly’ as Casper was going to get.
By the time the service let out and I hurried to the large oak doors, I was gagging for fresh air and practically on the verge of ripping out of my skin. All of this was dulled down in comparison to how Casper must have been feeling. He followed me, one hand tucked into his pocket, the other swinging limply at his side.
Caspers Ghosts Page 29