“Are you okay?” he asked as he strode up the gravel path I’d taken just off to the side of the church.
I half-turned to face him, my hands already fumbling with the cigarette and lighter. “Yeah it’s just … too many memories in that church. I just feel like it’s my mum’s way of taunting me.”
“It probably is,” he agreed as he slipped his tie off and wound it into a ball. He stuffed it into his back pocket before unfastening his cuffs and rolling them up to his elbows.
Blowing smoke out into the air, I felt my mouth run dry; Casper looked so hot in the pale blue shirt with his top two buttons unfastened to flash the black metal cross hanging against his collarbones, his pearly skin look luminous in the sunlight and his dark-rimmed eyes staring straight into my soul. I fought a shiver as I held the cigarette out to him. He took it between his fingers and took a long drag, his eyes never wavering from mine. “Thank you –you didn’t need to come to the church today.”
He gave me a measured look. “I couldn’t very well leave you to do it alone. Besides, I wanted to see another part of your life. What’s wrong with that?”
“No doubt you’ll see a lot more when we have that barbeque later.”
He snorted, a sly smirk on his lips, “Oh I’m looking forward to it.”
“Are you two smoking!” came a scandalized voice behind us. Whipping around and hiding the cigarette behind his leg, we both turned to face Katie gaping at us, her eyes bright with amusement. Her soft blue dress fluttered in the weak breeze. Shaking her head she gestured for us to follow, “Hurry up, mum and dad are waiting.”
As soon as she ducked back out of sight around the church Casper exhaled, the cigarette smoke pluming out into the air. “Fuck that girl is going to kill me.”
“Nah she won’t,” I reached out and grazed my fingers over the his arse, “She likes you too much.”
Grinding the cigarette underfoot, we made our way around the church towards the car park. Mum looked impatient and Dad was leaning out of the window. The shadow of Katie was in the backseat playing about on her phone. Casper slipped into the middle seat in the back of the car and I got in beside him, banging the door closed a little harder than necessary. The car ride home was quiet. I leaned my arm out of the window, my hand floating against the rush of air and I wondered if perhaps there was no real way to tell Casper how I felt. Actions often spoke louder than words so perhaps I just needed to show him exactly how I felt. All too soon we were pulling up outside our house.
Instead of going inside the driveway, my dad turned to my mum and said, “You know what? I think Avery and I need to have some time alone. He needs to brush up on his driving skills.”
Mum’s expression was unreadable as she stared hard at him. “Fine,” she finally said, “Just make sure you’re back by one.”
“We will be,” he assured her as Katie climbed out of the back seat. Casper looked at me firmly and gave my hand a tight reassuring squeeze before following Katie out of the back door and banging it shut.
Dad turned around to face me and patted the headrest of the passenger chair, “Climb up front.”
To be behind the steering wheel for the first time in six months was certainly an alien feeling. I had to keep my eyes focused constantly. My palms were clammy and slipped a little over the wheel. I forgot which foot was the brake; was it the left or the right? My stomach cramped a little every time I felt like I was doing something wrong. “Just relax,” my dad eventually chuckled as I turned off the main high street, “You’re doing fine.”
I could only nod stiffly as a bead of sweat ran down beneath my collar. There was no indication that he was lying but I didn’t believe him all the same. I just needed to get familiar with the car again, that was all. Maybe if I was, I could persuade him to let me drive Katie and Casper down to Brighton for a couple of days to see Uncle Brian. My knuckles were white as I gripped the steering wheel tighter and pressed my back further into the chair. There was another reason why I was so nervous. About four blocks back I had decided to try and psyche myself up to tell my dad that I loved Casper. I needed an adult to understand and support me.
“Hey dad you remember that thing you said to mum this morning?”
“Which bit?”
“The part about me corrupting Casper into being gay,” I hedged.
“Avery,” he sighed. “I’ve told you not to take those things she says to heart. She just does it to aggravate you. It pains her to see her lovely little boy turn out so … different than she expected.”
I resisted the urge to make a biting retort. The indicator clicked loudly as I waited for enough space to pull out onto the main road again. “Yes well about that; Casper is gay. Has been for as long as I’ve known him.”
“I figured as much,” he replied.
Frowning I glanced at him but shifted my gaze back to the road. The last thing I needed was to get us in a car crash, “How’d you figure it out?”
“Come on Avery I wasn’t born yesterday. I have you and Katie as proof,” he grinned a little. “Besides, not even you wear eyeliner.”
My cheek turned red as I drew in deep breaths. “Well he is gay and we have been … sort of dating for a little while now.”
“Right,” he replied slowly, “How would that work though? He doesn’t like being touched.”
Gripping the steering wheel I licked my lips and tried to control my voice. “I … We’re working on that. He’s learning to trust me and he’s been helping me a lot with my issues and vice versa.”
“How’s he done that?”
“He would bring me my pills when I forgot to take them. He would talk to me and get me through tough episodes. He … He read to me to get to sleep and make sure I ate food. He’s really helped me get better, dad, and I’ve been helping him. I …” I choked on my voice as I drew to a stop at a red light. “Dad, I’m in love with him and I’d really like you to give us your blessing!” I gushed out, my heart drumming to a crescendo in my ears. I jumped when dads hand rested on my shoulder.
“Woah calm down,” he gave a stiff little smile and pointed out of the windscreen. “Light’s green.”
Reluctantly, I shifted gears and added pressure to the gas pedal. We didn’t talk for three blocks and another crossroads. When he did speak, it was in a calm voice that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end. “Look Avery, I’m not going to pretend that this is what I wanted for you since you were a little boy. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t have my misgivings, but I do. Just not for the reasons you’re probably thinking.”
I gripped the wheel tighter, not trusting myself to speak.
Dad sighed softly, “If I’m going to be honest with you, despite how troubled you both are, I think Casper is a really nice guy. If he makes you happy then I’m happy for the both of you.”
“Really?” I asked disbelievingly as I glanced over at him.
“Of course. I made my peace with your sexuality a long time ago.”
“Pity you couldn’t impart wisdom on mum,” I grumbled bitterly.
“Regardless of what your mother thinks, I’ve seen the way you two are together. It’s clear that he cares for you too. He does things for you no one else does. It’s sweet. Just make sure that you are getting better.”
“I will,” I murmured. As I pulled into the drive I felt like rocks were filling my stomach. “I don’t have the energy to “And I do?” he gave me a genuine smile as I parked up. “Don’t worry. Just throw on a fresh shirt and keep the touching to a minimum.”
He gave me a wink before closing the passenger side door and heading up to the front of the house. I sat in the driver’s seat for a little while before I turned the engine off and climbed out.
*
I hated church-goers.
The fact that most of my mums friends were avid ones was just a little too on the nose. The smell of meat grilling over the fire filled the air and dad was having a nice time with his own friends who were all stood around the
barbeque, cans of beer in their hands and chuckling as men do. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever get to have that; the casual Sunday afternoon with friends and family in my back garden and chatting about nothing in particular. Glancing down at my lemonade I couldn’t help but feel bitterness swirl in my stomach for the third time that day. A part of me wanted it to be over, and another part of me couldn’t resist smirking as Casper was caroled into chatting with my aunts. Thankfully, most people seemed to get the idea that they shouldn’t touch him.
“So how’s it going?” Katie grinned. She’d changed out of her blue dress and was wearing her hair in pigtails shoulders and was now wearing an orange lace vest, blue jeans and sandals.
I shrugged, “It’s going alright. Casper’s disappeared somewhere. I hope they haven’t crucified him.”
She snickered, “So what’s the deal with going to the beach? You still up for it?”
“Of course, I think I might even be able to persuade dad to let me drive us down.”
“That’d be cool,” she grinned before taking a lick of her ice cream. “You realise mum’s glaring daggers at you, right?”
Glancing over her shoulder I did, in fact, glimpse my mum shooting glares over at me between the heads of her friends. “Great,” I muttered, “This day just keeps getting better and better.”
“Oh, stop being bitter,” she swatted me upside my head, “Now be a good boy and follow me.” She turned on her heel and headed back for the conservatory.
“Where’re you taking me?” I asked as I turned to follow her.
“Just wait.”
I followed her to the doorway of the living room where a lot of my cousins and my dad’s sister were perched on the sofas with poor Casper nestled between them, at least seven inches between him and anyone else. He must have spoken to them about that. Katie leaned against the doorframe and I cast my gaze over the living room. I blanched when I realised what was in Casper’s lap and the hands of most of my relatives. Photos.
“Are you kidding?” I hissed in disbelief to Katie and her grin only grew bigger. I ran a hand down my face, “Oh God this is a whole new level of embarrassment!”
Katie giggled. “Oh come on, how could he not love how cute and pudgy you were?”
“I wasn’t pudgy, it was just some puppy fat!” I grumbled.
She rolled her eyes at me, “Yeah right, either way he’s probably seen your little winky a lot more than you’ve shown the … well … final product.”
Closing my eyes I grimaced, “Oh God! You’re traumatizing me!”
“Not as much as Casper’s traumatized right now. Look at the poor boy, he’s being virtually smothered.”
Glancing over at Casper again, he looked up and caught my eye. He didn’t look traumatized but there was definitely something in his eyes. However, the smirk he gave me still made my stomach flip. “Hey Fletcher,” he winked at me before waving the few loose photos in his hand, “You were one adorable little kid.”
Feeling numerous eyes on me, I flushed a little, “Yeah but I reckon I got better as I grew up.”
“Everyone does,” he grinned before standing up from the squishy sofa and dusting imaginary dirt off his jeans. “Sorry ladies, but I need to go to the bathroom. Please excuse me.” He crossed the room in a couple of strides, my relatives practically cooing for his speedy return. Out of sight, he grabbed my hand and tugged me up the stairs behind him.
As soon as we were in my room he kicked the door shut and leaned back against it. I stood in the middle of my room, looking confused at his stance as he stared down at the floor and picked at his nails. The varnish was starting to wear off a little. My chest ached. I felt dread burning up inside me and I felt my voice latch in my throat. He clearly had something he wanted to say. Most likely a reprimand for actually ditching him and leaving him alone with my relatives.
“You realise most of your relative’s think that I’m here to date Katie?” he glanced up at me through his thick fringe. His face was expressionless as he watched for my reaction. When I gave him nothing, he straightened up a little. “I heard what you said about how you felt about me. To your dad.”
Blindsided, I frowned and took a step back. “W –er –What are you talking about?”
He dug his phone out from his pocket and wiggled it. “You pocket-dialed me when you were out driving. I heard most of the conversation.”
Sweat broke out all over my body. I felt like my skin was too tight for my skeleton. My lungs were burning and my stomach was knotted so tightly I felt like I was cramping. My mind was a blank as I fumbled for words. “You … heard?”
He nodded, “Yep, I heard pretty much every word you said about me and how you felt.”
Nodding, I tried to calm down. I clenched and unclenched my fists at my sides. “And this is the part where we break up and you tell me that you could never possible feel the same way about me in about a million years even if you tried?” The pitch of my voice was growing higher by the moment and my eyes burned a little.
Snorting, Casper grabbed my face between his hands and attacked my mouth until it felt like an inferno. As he nipped and licked my mouth, and slid his hot, wet tongue between my lips my knees buckles. We groaned into the kiss, my hands gripping the front of his shirt as he fisted my hair. I gasped out as he broke away and pressed his mouth to my ear.
“I may not be able to feel those words, or say those words but goddamnit Fletcher, if I was going to break up with you then I wouldn’t have come here in the first place!”
Panting against his shoulder I nodded, “You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know. I –I tried to tell you but the words … they wouldn’t –”
“I know,” he breathed lightly, hesitated, and then pressed a more tender kiss to my jaw, “I know.”
Backing away from me, he ran his hands through his hair and then turned towards the door. He grasped the doorknob and stopped, glancing back over at me, his fringe flopping in front of his eyes. “I wish I could, you know,” he murmured, “If there was anyone I wish I could with, it would be you.”
The smile I gave him, though small, must have been blinding. The adoration I felt for him in that moment melted the fear and doubt away for that small moment of hope. “I know,” I breathed.
He nodded and disappeared through the door.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The days that followed the almost-confession of my feelings were off-kilter for me. On the one hand Casper would be affectionate to me around my parents; even when it was just Katie he’d casually brush his hand against my leg or run his fingers up my arm which would cause butterflies to explode in my stomach. However, on the other hand we hadn’t shared a bed since ‘That Day’ and it was leaving me feeling exceptionally uncomfortable. He needed time to adjust and deal with the information, I understood that, but what I didn’t understand was his need for distance when it was just the two of us alone together. Admittedly, the longer I stayed awake at night watching him sleep mere foot from my bed, I couldn’t help but give into the dark fear looming in my mind. I questioned every breath he took, every flutter of his eyelashes making a mockery of my feelings for him.
A week later I woke up to the sound of a text on my phone. With bleary eyes I read the message from Isabel;
‘I know I promised to leave you alone for the holidays but it’d be awful of me to forget your big day. Happy 21st birthday sweetie, I hope you have a memorable day! Izzie xox’
I debated for a moment about texting her back, but there was really no question. Tossing the covers back I stretched my muscles and went downstairs to be greeted by a full English breakfast and everyone sitting around the table waiting for me to begin celebrating my twenty-first birthday. It hadn’t started off brilliantly, especially as I think I lost my ‘smile’ in the washing machine along with my good underwear. I had to force down each bite of my breakfast and nodded along to the cheerful conversation humming around me. The thought of opening presents and feigning inte
rest in them was almost as nauseating as the breakfast itself; however I couldn’t disappoint Katie especially when she looked so excited.
Opening the small wrapped box placed in front of me, I was surprised to see a leather cord necklace with a Chinese character dangling from the front. Quirking an eyebrow up at her I drew the necklace out and twirled it around, letting the silver pendant catch the light. It was beautiful.
“It’s the Chinese character for ‘Brother’,” she smiled at me, “So you don’t forget you are one.”
“Like I could forget,” I teased as I undid the clasp and wound the cord around my neck. The cool weight of the pendant felt soothing as it hovered just below my collarbone.
As I opened the other presents I felt a sickly knot swell in my chest. Mum had given me a new white-gold crucifix –it would come in handy if I ever needed to quickly pawn it for ready money –and Dad had gotten me a couple of CD’s and some new shirts. He also gave me some cold hard cash to enjoy a couple of days at Brighton with Katie and Casper, along with his car-keys. I could tell by my mum’s expression that she wasn’t pleased about it, but that they’d argued enough on the matter and –oddly enough –Dad had triumphed.
Casper for his part didn’t produce any present from under the table like the others. When I frowned at him, he merely kept his face blank and didn’t break eye contact as he drank from his mug of coffee. It shouldn’t have made me feel so hollow that he hadn’t gotten me anything, but after our recent conversation –or lack thereof–I couldn’t help but wish he had.
Forcing a smile, I said, “Thanks for the gifts. They’re great. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to shower before the long drive down to Uncle Brian’s.”
I avoided everyone’s eyes as I drained my mug, stood up and left. I didn’t breathe properly again until I was locked in the bathroom.
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