“Pizza order for Avery Fletcher?”
“Yeah hold on I’ll be right down.” I groaned. “Have you seen my wallet?” I asked as I patted my jacket down where it hung over my deckchair.
Casper shook his head before shifting to the edge of the bed, “Here I’ll pay.”
He pressed a twenty pound note into my palm and I didn’t have the motor skills to object. I merely offered him a wistful smile before turning and clumsily making my way out of the door towards the lift.
The grinding of gears echoed in my ears as I rode the lift down to the building’s lobby. The delivery guy was waiting outside with two cardboard boxes and a bottle of Pepsi.
After I’d paid, I had to balance the boxes and bottle in my hands as I made my way to my room.
Casper was up and setting up a meagre eating space for the both of us. “Ah my knight in shining armour returns,” he stated sarcastically, “Please, save me from this hungry demon inside my belly.”
I gave him a deadpan look which he smirked at. “Your pizza good sir,” I offered with a flourish.
He snorted to himself. I pried open both pizza boxes –one pizza and one garlic bread –whilst he poured the drinks. As I settled down on the bed and kicked my shoes off, Casper knelt down in front of my TV and rifled through my DVD collection. “You don’t mind watching ‘The Day of the Doctor’ do you?” he asked over my shoulder, despite already popping the disc free and slipping it into the DVD player. I shook my head. “Good,” he smiled, his eyes lingering just that little bit longer before he came back over to drop down on my bed.
We settled into a companionable silence as the title credits for the anniversary special rolled up onto the screen. Casper leaning lightly against my shoulder. His hair tickled my jaw and I couldn’t resist dropping a kiss onto his head. Despite how wonderful the food smelled and tasted, the grease was making my stomach churn. Glancing at me, Casper sighed and waved a piece of garlic bread in front of my face. “Stop thinking and just eat, okay?” his voice was soft but not condescending.
I tried to focus on the DVD and eat at the same time. By the time we’d finished, I had to guzzle down a glass of Pepsi to wash the greasiness out of my mouth. Shuddering, I stood up to clear the few things away as Casper scrutinised me. “You okay?” I asked.
“Hmmm,” he murmured softly before holding up an envelope. I blanched when I saw my dad’s handwriting on the front. “What’s this?” he asked, his expression guarded.
“An envelope,” I couldn’t help but reply.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the big-arse cheque inside the envelope?” His voice was low. It sent a tremor running through me. The angrier he was the quieter his voice got. “I was waiting,” I hedged.
“For?”
“The right time, I guess.”
“When was the right time going to be, Avery?”
Licking my lips, I felt cold dread wash over me. I didn’t want him to punch me or hit out at me. “I … er I …”
His mouth turned up into a gentle smile. My breath hitched as his fingertips brushed over my jaw and down my neck, “You’re adorable when you’re flustered.” He leaned up and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth before frowning, “Are you … Did you think I was going to hit you?” I didn’t do anything. He sucked in a breath and his shoulders slumped, “Sorry … Sometimes I forget how intimidating I can be.”
“It’s okay,” I mumbled. “I just … didn’t want to have another conversation about my family just yet that’s all.”
“I get that. But that’s a pretty huge cheque. You might want to cash it before your mum notices.”
I hadn’t thought of that. “I’ll do that tomorrow.”
Peering through his fringe, Casper frowned again. “Something is bothering you. What is it? Are the pills making you feel rough again?”
Wrapping my arms around my middle I shook my head. “No I just feel a bit tired I guess.”
“Fletcher –”
“Look can we just not talk about it!” I snapped.
Casper grew rigid as though he’d been slapped. His face resumed its blank expression. I felt bile crawl up the back of my throat. My skin was clammy and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not wake up. The hollowness in my stomach was growing inside of me, absorbing all my emotions. “Fine,” he finally shrugged looking away, “Last time I care.”
He grabbed his book and trainers from the bed and went for the door. “Wait!” I tried to reach him but he’d already stepped into the hall. I hurried after him as he turned to glare at me in the doorway.
“No, you want to be left alone so I’m leaving you alone.” He gave me one last look of disappointment before marching back down the hall. The slam of his door made me flinch and yet, I didn’t retreat into my own room for a while. I just wanted to be sure he didn’t open it again.
That night I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. It was impossible for me to sleep when my thoughts were chasing each other like a swarm of mosquitos. With a heavy sigh I rolled onto my side to face the empty side of the bed. It was cool and tidy, a clear indication that it hadn’t been slept in. The absence of Casper’s body made my stomach coil tightly. I needed him.
I stroked my palm across the cool sheets. It was my fault, I knew that. I’d been the reason he’d retreated back to his room. He was disappointed in me and I shared his sentiments. The pills were making my head fuzzy and it was hard to keep myself focused. He had only been trying to help. I punched my pillow.
‘Actions speak louder than words …’
Swallowing, I tried to control my breathing. Was I still insecure about his feelings towards me? Had I been feeling vulnerable after prolonged exposure to his sarcasm and genuine concern? How on earth did he feel in that case? It took another half an hour before I bolted upright, my hair a mess and my head pounding with lack of sleep. My eyes strayed to the door and I felt the pull. I needed to see him, to know he was there. Even if he told me to ‘fuck off’ just to hear his voice would help ease my mind. If he didn’t answer his door it simply meant it was one of those rare days when he actually slept.
Kicking my covers off, I sluggishly padded over to my door. Squinting heavily I made my way down to Casper’s door and hesitated. My palms were clammy and my head was starting to spin. Tiny black spots started to prick my vision. Did I knock on the door and wake him? A tremor ran down my spine as I reached out and brushed my fingers along the door.
I jumped when the door eased inwards. Did I go in? Holding my breath, I pushed the door open and peaked inside. The room was dark, a small reading light in the corner. Swallowing, I edged around the door. Casper was on his side in bed, reading, with his back to me. I eased the door closed behind me and tiptoed over, fear burning away inside me as I drew closer. He knew I was there, how could he not? Yet, he didn’t flinch or move away when I lifted the cover and slipped into the bed behind him. I hesitated as I touched his waist but when he didn’t react, I bravely wrapped my arms around him and burrowed my face in the crook of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, revelling in his warmth.
He hummed again before peering over his shoulder. “Are you going to tell me the truth now?”
I hesitated. If I didn’t tell him he’d be disappointed. “You’re right. My pills are making me feel … off.”
“You know I’m only trying to help you, right?” he asked, an edge to his voice. “This is hard for me too. I’ve never … felt this way about anyone before and I’m trying, okay?” his voice was harsh. I couldn’t help but flinch. “I’m trying so hard for you and all I want is for some common courtesy in return.”
“I know,” I hid my face into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
He tensed. “Yeah well sometimes sorry just doesn’t cut it.”
He shifted and I clung to his shirt. “Look, I didn’t mean to push you away, especially after everything you’ve done for me. I’m just … scared.” The word hissed out through my teeth. “I’m so scared I’m going to lose y
ou.”
“That’s pretty contradictory,” he muttered darkly.
“I know, I know!” I gripped his shirt tighter. “I’m scared I’ll hurt you. After everything that’s happened with Katie over Christmas I’m scared you’ll get hurt and hate me for it!”
A sob choked out. The silence hung over our heads like a hot, thick blanket and made my skin prickle. His presence was so comforting that it took a while to realise that he wasn’t reciprocating. I felt fear prick my heart. “You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
“Hmm,” the sound vibrated through his chest. “Sure didn’t feel that way.”
“What do you want me to say?”
This time Casper shifted, bumping against my cheek. “We’ve not even been back half a day and you’re digressing,” he stated in a disappointed tone. “You need to get a grip on yourself because one day I’m not going to be there to pick up the pieces and fit you back together.”
This time I was the one who pulled away. His words had struck me like a cold slap. I felt sick. “I’m not asking you to,” I said with a bit more conviction than I felt. I was fine. “You know, I came in here because I wanted to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have treated you that way and I wish I hadn’t. But if you’re just going to lie there and be an up-tight bastard, I’m not even going to bother!” I pushed myself off the bed and was about to stand, despite how much my head was swimming, when he snatched my wrist.
“Don’t go,” he sighed in an exasperated manner. I didn’t pull away but I didn’t obediently climb back into bed either. Casper gave a gentle tug on my arm. “Come on lie back down.” Through the gloom I watched as he rolled over onto his back and smoothed a hand over his chest. “Come on, Avery, lie back down. You need to relax.”
The sudden softness of his voice made my resolve break; I inched back onto the bed. I let him wrap the blanket over my shoulders. My fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt. I flinched when I felt Casper’s fingers threading through my hair but I couldn’t pull away from him. Not when he was being so attentive. A trembling breath escaped me as I relaxed within his protective embrace.
“You feeling better now?” he asked after a long while of silence. I’d been lazily playing piano chords on his chest, my fingers slowing down the more tired I became.
“Mhm.”
“Good. You’ve got nothing to worry about. We’ll take it all one day at a time, okay?”
“Sounds good.”
“Tomorrow’s a new day, right?” he urged gently as he squeezed my shoulder.
“Mhm.”
“Then let’s start it on a good note, eh?” He pressed a tender kiss against my head. At least … I think he did.
Chapter Thirty-One
As I settled down into the music room I was shocked at the over-whelming sense of déjà vu I experienced. It was the same classroom, the same professor, yet something had shifted. The same décor and the same swarm of faces were familiar but at the same time so much had changed. It was also the first time I was seeing Isabel in over a month and suffice to say my stomach had decided to eat itself out of worry. We had to do a brief presentation explaining our idea and show our final production. When it came to our turn, after pointedly ignoring Isabel’s glances, we stood up in front of the class. Casper set up his USB into our professor’s laptop and flicked the lights off. He didn’t get a chance to speak as I’d hoped. Instead, Isabel decided to take center-stand and start reeling off what we’d done. I slipped my hand into my pocket and fingered the note Casper had tucked in there this morning.
‘You don’t need to reach the high notes to be heard, and I’ll always see you when you’re hitting the low ones. Just keep playing; the music will sound better than the silence.’
The words were both chilling and reassuring as I felt the paper crinkle between my fingers. Unfortunately, Isabel’s voice was starting to drown the feeling out altogether. I’d never realised before just how arrogant that girl was; she was talking as though she contributed more than the meagre percent that she did. I don’t even think she even realised the subtle message within the storyline.
She soon would.
Casper was impatiently waiting for her to finish prattling on. He’d even had a very sore throat he’d needed to clear several times. It earned him a glare from her, but after being on the receiving end of Casper’s –and Martin’s –hers were like someone throwing cotton wool at you. Harmless.
However, as soon as Casper played the production her words fell flat and useless as the graphic tale unravelled before our eyes. Isabel hadn’t seen the final version of the piece and I had to admit I took some pleasure in watching her grow angrier by the second. Casper looked at me, the glow of the laptop screen making him look ethereal as he frowned and mouthed, ‘Are you okay?’
I nodded my head and tried to focus on the whiteboard.
The time the screen went blank. Our professor hummed and. “I have to say I’m impressed. The animated graphics are definitely more developed than I would have expected.” He turned his head to me and cocked an eyebrow, “And your piano playing is flawless, Mr. Fletcher. A marked improvement from last year. Expect to see your grade on the school website this evening.”
With a final nod of his head, we took our seats –I settled off to the side with Casper –and Isabel a couple of chairs away. She was seething. By the time the lesson ended I couldn’t wait to get out. We barely had the chance to even get to the door of the building before Isabel caught up to us and grabbed my elbow. I stumbled backwards. Casper turned on his heel, his face a white-cold mask of anger.
“What do you want?” he asked coolly as he stood beside me. His grip on my other elbow was tight.
Jaw set tight, she glared at Casper, “I want to talk to Avery alone.”
“Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of Casper,” I ground out.
She frowned for a moment before tossing her dip-dyed hair over her shoulder. “Fine,” she snapped, “I want to know why the only text you send me the entire Easter holiday was that snotty little speech you made about what you ‘feel’ for him.” She sneered, glancing at Casper for a second.
I bristled at her words. “What’re you saying? That my feelings are trivial?”
“Well aren’t they?” she hissed, “You’ve known each other –what? –three months?”
“Four, actually,” Casper stated in a bored voice.
“Oh, sorry,” she snapped. “Do you even care, Avery? Do you even care that we haven’t spoken properly in weeks?”
I could see a few stragglers from class frowning at us. “Can we not do this here?” I asked fidgeting a little as the weight of my bag dug into my shoulder.
Isabel rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, “What? You’re finally ashamed of how you’ve been ignoring me?”
I cocked my head at her, “Don’t be stupid. I purposefully ignored you.”
That shut her up for all of two seconds before she scoffed. “Oh okay and did Casper here deal with your parents well enough, or did your mum spend the entire time throwing Holy water on him to see if he’d burn?”
Casper snorted. “You really just are a pathetic little girl aren’t you?”
“What?”
Straightening a little to show just how much he towered over her, Casper leaned closer. His voice was so quiet it sent tremors down my spine. “You’re a pathetic, attention-seeking little girl. Grow up; he’s not interested in you. He will never be interested in you. Fucking deal with it and leave him alone otherwise you may find yourself facing harassment charges.”
The threat was enough to make her mouth hang open. She didn’t know whether to frown or shout at him. I wanted to slink away and drag Casper with me. The energy inside me was burning up in my veins. I felt the need to be in darkness, to have his skin flush against me, his teeth and nails forcing me to mould against his body. I flinched as Isabel’s voice snapped me out of my daze.
“I’m pathetic! Look at you, pining over hi
m when it’s pointless! He hasn’t had a boyfriend in practically a year!”
“So, what? That makes him unlovable?”
“No that’s not what I –”
“If I felt nothing for this man do you think I’d do this?”
The next thing I knew I was winded as Casper forced his tongue down my throat. The brick wall I was pressed against bit into my back. His hands were on me, burning into my skin, his mouth hard and aggressive. His teeth pulled at my bottom lip before moving to my throat whilst his hands worked over my shirt. There was no room to move, no room to breathe; every part of my being was fixated on his touch. God, I needed him.
The kiss must have only lasted moments but it felt like a lot longer by the time I was finally allowed to breathe again. Casper jerked away, his mouth swollen and his hair messed. Turning back to Isabel, Casper gave a cocky little smirk, “Go on, I dare you to tell me he hated that.”
He didn’t wait for an answer.
Instead he snatched my wrist and started stalking in the direction of our dorm building. Even though Isabel could easily follow us something told me that she wouldn’t dare. Not at that moment anyway.
As soon as my door was open I dragged him inside, my mouth crushing against his as he kicked the door shut, the denim burning as he ground his crotch against my own. “Is it wrong how sexy I find you when you get all scary like that?” I moaned against his neck.
“You must’ve gotten hard every time I glared at you?” he whispered as he nipped at my ear. Oh, how right he was! My heart rate was thrumming through my body as he dragged my jeans down over my hips. I was just getting my head around the fact that Casper had sucked my face off in public and now he was greedily nibbling at my hipbones as though it was the most natural thing in the world. My hand jerked to his shoulder. “Wait –Oh God! W-what’re you doing?”
“I thought it was rather obvious,” he ground out as he ran his teeth over my jeans.
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