Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2)

by Bevan, Robert

  Dave touched him on the head. “I heal thee.”

  Stuart puked up another thick glob of blood, and then finally resumed breathing normally. “Thanks.”

  “How did that one bolt fuck you up so bad?” asked Cooper, wincing as he plucked the bolt out of his ear. “I mean, I know I’m bigger than you, but I got shot like six times.”

  “Critical Hit,” said Stuart. “He must have rolled a natural 20, and then maybe another one on top of that.”

  “Or maybe you’re just a big pussy,” offered Cooper, yanking the bolt out of his chest. “Ow.” Then the one from his leg. “Ow.” He dropped them on the ground. “Dave, do you mind? I’m leaking like a fucking fountain over here.”

  Dave touched Cooper’s arm. “I heal thee.”

  Cooper’s wounds closed up, leaving behind only streams of drying blood to mark where they had once been.

  “I’m all tapped out of healing,” said Dave. “Maybe it’s time to call it a day.”

  The strange bird from before called out again.

  “What is that?” asked Dave.

  “Tony the Elf is nearby,” said Stuart. “He’s checking on our condition.” He cupped his hand around the sides of his mouth and answered the call. “Cooooo! Yup yup!”

  “What the fuck was that supposed to be?” asked Cooper.

  “A bird,” said Stuart. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He started walking away from the pumpkin patch, back the way they had come from.

  “A bird being stepped on?”

  Stuart stopped abruptly and whirled around at Cooper. “You know what? I’m really getting sick of your mouth. I don’t care what Frank says. You’re not brave. You’re stupid and reckless. It’s not the same thing.”

  Cooper pointed a thumb back at the pumpkin patch. “What do you call that stunt you just pulled out there? I just saved your life, dickhead.”

  Stuart turned red in the face. “You wouldn’t have had to if I wasn’t doing your job for you.”

  “Seriously dude. When the sun shines just the right way on your head, it really does kind of look like a dick. When you get all excited like this, I keep expecting semen to squirt out the top.”

  “That’s it!” Stuart threw down his collection of silver-tipped bolts and put his fists up. “You wanna go? Let’s go.”

  “Come on, guys,” said Dave. “Nobody’s fighting anybody. Let’s just get out of here.”

  Cooper cracked his giant knuckles while Stuart danced around like Muhammad Ali.

  “I have to warn you,” said Stuart. “My hands count as magical weapons. I have Ki Strike and Flurry of Blows.”

  Cooper laughed so hard he lost control of his legs and bladder. It was a silent laughter, as he was unable to breathe. Dave laughed as well, but remained in control of his bodily functions.

  Stuart lowered his fists. “What’s so goddamn funny?”

  “Come on, man,” said Dave. “Flurry of Blows? You really kind of walked right into that one.”

  Stuart walked around Cooper’s piss puddle and kicked him in the gut. “How old are you people?” He kicked him again. “I feel like I’m babysitting retarded kids.” Another kick.

  Cooper got control over his laughter just enough to say “Cut it out. That hurts.” He resumed laughing.

  “Everything’s a joke to you, isn’t it?” said Stuart, kicking Cooper one more time.

  Cooper kept right on laughing, even as blood started to spill out of his mouth.

  “Hey!” said Dave. “Stop it. You’re really hurting him!”

  Stuart turned around and pointed a finger at Dave. “You’re next, dwarf. We’ll see how funny you think – WHA!”

  Cooper kicked Stuart’s legs out from under him, sending him face first into the puddle of urine. He sat on Stuart’s head and rubbed his bruised ribs. “That was the worst Flurry of Blows I’ve ever had. I guess I should have bought him dinner first.”

  Stuart’s arms and legs flailed about frantically beneath Cooper’s broad ass.

  “Do you really think drowning him in your piss is going to rectify the situation.”

  “Ha!” said Cooper. “You finally made a good joke, Dave.”

  “What?”

  Cooper wiggled his ass on Stuart. “I’m rectifying the situation.”

  “Jesus, Cooper. Just get off him, will you? You’re going to kill him.”

  “He was about to kill me,” said Cooper. “You saw him. I’ll just wait until he passes out, and we’ll carry him back to the Whore’s Head. I’ll apologize later.”

  Bad as it was, Dave had to admit that Cooper’s plan was likely the safest course of action. Whether it was or not, the choice soon disappeared when Stuart’s limbs stopped moving.

  Chapter 12

  It was a long walk back to the Whore’s Head, and Cooper didn’t fancy explaining himself to Frank. For a gnome, that little guy was intense. Still, Stuart had attacked first, and Cooper honestly thought he was trying to kill him. It didn’t help matters that Stuart woke up twice during the trip, and Cooper had had to punch him into submission again.

  It was evening when Dave finally knocked on the tavern door. All conversation stopped as Cooper walked in carrying Stuart’s limp body. His head was bruised, filthy, and lumpy. Cooper set him down on a table.

  Rose, Stuart’s wife, shrieked and ran to her husband. Cooper was mesmerized by the bounce of her steel-encased breasts.

  Someone poked him, hard.

  “Huh?” said Cooper.

  “I said, what happened?” said Frank.

  “We got into a fight,” said Dave.

  Frank glared up at Cooper. “What did I tell you about fighting with our people?”

  Cooper lowered his head. “Not to.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Frank, “But you guys are out. Grab your shit and go.”

  “Hold on a second,” said Dave. He pointed at the battered monk on the table. “He started it!”

  Frank crossed his little gnome arms and looked up at Dave incredulously. “So you’re telling me Stuart just up and picked a fight with you two out of the blue?”

  Dave looked down. “Well, Cooper may have provoked it.”

  “I don’t believe it,” said Frank. “Stuart isn’t the sort to strike first. He’s a monk.”

  “He’s a dick,” said Cooper.

  Frank pointed at the door. “You get the hell out of my inn right now. If I have to –”

  “Ask Stuart!” said Dave.

  “What?” said Frank.

  “Ask Stuart what happened.”

  “And what then? Even if what you say is true, he’ll just deny it. Hell, I would. It’ll be his word against yours, and guess whose word I’m gonna trust.”

  “Monks are Lawful,” said Dave. “He’ll be compelled to tell the truth.”

  Frank thought for a moment, a scowl on his face. “Fine,” he said. “You’re a healer. Wake him up. Let’s see what he has to say.”

  “I’m all out of healing,” said Dave. “Werewolf duty was kind of rough.”

  “Jesus H. Christ,” said Frank. “Barney!”

  “Yeah, Frank?” said a fair-haired human at the back of the room.

  “Did you sell all your healing potions today?”

  “Got one left.”

  “Bring it over here.”

  Rose cradled her husband’s head as Barney poured the thick green liquid down his throat. Frank tapped his foot impatiently, arms folded, glaring at Cooper.

  The bumps and bruises melted away from Stuart’s bald head, but the dirt and shit stains did not. He opened his eyes. “I’m alive?” He sat up.

  “Barely,” said Frank. He pointed at Dave and Cooper. “These two had quite a story to tell.”

  Stuart turned around and locked eyes with Cooper. “I’ll bet they did! Did they tell you how they defecated on my head and drowned me in urine?” Rose backed away from her husband and scowled.

  “No,” said Dave. “We sort of skipped some of the finer details.”

&nbs
p; “I didn’t actually take a shit on your head,” said Cooper. “I just have some trouble wiping is all.”

  “Shut up,” said Frank. He looked at Stuart. “They told me you struck the first blow.”

  “It was a flurry of them, actually,” said Cooper.

  Dave snorted.

  “I said shut up!” shouted Frank, glaring at Dave and Cooper. Dave got himself under control. Frank once again turned his attention to Stuart. “Tell me they’re lying, Stuart.”

  Stuart crossed his legs, folded his hands, and bowed his head. “On my honor, I cannot. I admit I temporarily lost control of my senses, and my emotions got the better of me. I struck with anger in my heart, and for that I humbly apologize.”

  “You know the rule,” said Frank. “I was just about to kick these guys out.”

  Stuart’s face remained stoic, betraying no trace of relief or regret. “The rule must apply to everyone. If it is your judgment that I should leave this place, I will do so.”

  “No, Frank!” said Rhonda. Rose shot her a wicked glare, but it was lost on her. “You know he was provoked. They admitted that much themselves. Make the half-orc go.”

  “Frank,” said Rose gently, bending down to place her hand on his shoulder. “He’s my husband.” Her tits were right in his face. Nice move, Rose.

  Frank shrugged off her hand and turned away, his face rather more flush than it had been before. “Goddammit, Stuart! You’ve put me in a hell of a position.”

  “Make your choice,” said Dale. “I will honor it.”

  “No,” said Frank. “I’ll leave that decision up to the offended party. Carter?”

  “Cooper,” said Cooper.

  “Whatever,” said Frank. “You make the call. Does Stuart stay or go?”

  Cooper looked at Stuart, who stood straight and expressionless. He looked past Stuart, where Rhonda was seething. He looked at Rose, who was looking uncomfortably away from him with her arms folded over her cleavage. Finally, he looked at Frank, who looked back at him with an expression of nervous expectation. “I don’t give a fuck what he does, so long as he stops trying to murder me.”

  Frank let out a long, relieved exhalation. “You’re a hell of a guy, Cooper. Come on. I owe you fellas an apology… and a drink.”

  Rose wrapped her arms around Stuart and kissed him on his cheek. A flicker of rage flashed across Stuart’s face and then disappeared. He let himself be led away by his wife.

  It wasn’t until Tim, Julian, Gorgonzola, and Tony the Elf came in that Cooper realized how uncommonly quiet the place still was. Still no Katherine or Bard Guy, but no one was crying, so they were probably still alive. Tim was his usual sullen self. He looked like hell. Dark rings were starting to form under his eyes. He might have even lost some weight. He looked less like a child to Cooper now, and more like a tiny old person.

  “What’s going on?” asked Tony the Elf.

  “Nothing,” said Frank. “Just a little misunderstanding.” He stood on a stool and addressed the crowd. “The show’s over, folks. Get back to drinking.” He stood there watching as glasses started clinking and conversation picked back up. When it reached a quiet din, he nodded his head and stepped down from the stool. “Did you find the halfling’s sister?”

  “We got another lead,” said Tony the Elf. “We’ll check it out in the morning.”

  “We’re almost out of pig,” said Frank. “I need you back out on the hunt tomorrow.”

  Tony the Elf looked down at Tim.

  “We’ll be okay,” said Tim. “But I’ll need Cooper and Dave with me tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” said Frank. “I’m gonna go check on Stuart. You boys drink up.”

  “So,” Tim said to Cooper. “How was werewolf duty?”

  “Not bad. Kind of fun, really. What did you find out about Katherine and… and that bard dude? Whatever his name is.”

  Tim took a long pull from his beer. “Looks like they’re holed up in some abandoned fortress on top of a mountain.”

  “And that’s good news?” asked Dave.

  “Who can say?” said Tim. “Thanks to their character sheets, we know they’re alive and healthy. If they’re being held in a dungeon or something, we’ll just rescue them. Serves them right for running off.”

  As the four of them got down to the task of drinking, Dave, Cooper, Julian, and Tim shared versions of what was essentially the same story. About half an hour later, Frank returned to their table.

  “Listen, fellas,” said Frank. “I don’t know how to put this.”

  “What’s up?” said Cooper.

  “It’s not always easy being the leader. I didn’t ask for this. It just kind of happened. It is what it is.”

  Frank seemed to be skirting around some kind of point, but Cooper couldn’t make out what it was. “Do you want a hug or something?”

  Frank shook his head and laughed. “Not from you, big guy. Thanks.” He put on his serious face again. “As a leader, sometimes you have to make difficult decisions. What I mean to say is, it was probably wrong for me to pass the decision about Stuart on to you.”

  “Okay?”

  “I think he would have rather I kicked him out than have you be the one to allow him to stay.”

  “He wants to go?” asked Cooper, not quite sure if he was understanding this correctly. “Well that’s fine with me. Tell him not to let the door hit his ass on the way out.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying,” said Frank.

  “Look, man,” said Cooper. “You’re going to have to spell this out for me. “I’m stupid, remember? And I’m a little drunk as well.”

  “You hurt his pride.”

  “His pride can suck my balls.”

  “Anyway,” said Frank. “He’s all butt-hurt about this, and I think it’d be a big help if you and your buddies cleared out of here for a night. Let him simmer down a bit, you know?”

  “You’re kicking us out?” said Tim.

  “I’m asking you to spend one day and night away from here. Let some water pass under the bridge. Go camping or something.”

  Dave held up his leopard skinned arm. “This is what happened the last time we went camping.”

  “Then go spend a night in a nicer inn. Sleep in a bed. I’ll front you a couple of gold pieces. Go find your sister and take her out somewhere nice. When you come back, everything will be hunky-dory.”

  Chapter 13

  Tim, Cooper, Dave, and Julian followed Butterbean along a small trail through an ever darkening forest. The trees themselves were thin and spindly pines. They grew out of rocky soil and their pitiful needles looked more grey than green. The lack of other life was conspicuous. No birds flying around or squirrels chasing one another up tree trunks. The silence was disquieting, all the more so because Julian had the sneaking suspicion that it was a false silence. Something was out there, watching them, maybe even following them.

  “Do you guys notice anything strange about this place?” asked Julian.

  “Other than that it’s creepy as fuck?” offered Cooper.

  “The elevation seems to be rising,” said Dave. “I’ll bet you that this leads up to that big cliff overlooking the city.”

  “I wasn’t talking about the topography,” said Julian. “I feel like we’re being watched.”

  “I’ll grant you it’s a creepy forest,” said Tim. “But don’t let your imagination run wild. Just stay close together and we’ll be okay. Butterbean looks like he’s still hot on some trail.”

  Indeed, the wolf sniffed eagerly at the ground ahead of them, wagging its tail and barking, seemingly impatient for them to catch up. The party could only move as fast as Dave, who was trudging along slowly due to his short legs and the encumbrance of his armor.

  It wasn’t long before the burning in Julian’s thighs told him that Dave was right. They were definitely traveling uphill. Every now and again, he’d catch a shadow flicker by in the corner of his vision, but turning quickly revealed nothing. He could feel that Ravenus share
d his unease, and he’d sent the bird out a few times to fly in circles around the party, but he never brought back news of having seen anything.

  Cooper stepped off the trail to pee. The steady trickle of urine on bark was the only sound for miles it seemed, until the ground gave way beneath him. On his way down, his dick must have hit a tree root or a rock or something.

  “Fuck,” he said as he sprayed piss all over his face. He was standing upright, but he was only visible above the shoulder. The rest of him was submerged underground.

  When he got his dick under control and spat the urine out of his mouth, he began to climb out of the hole. He had both arms and one leg out when he sank suddenly back into the hole.

  “Yeeoooww!” he shouted. “Something’s got my foot!”

  Tim and Dave grabbed his arms and pulled. Whatever it was that had a hold of his foot from below wasn’t letting go of its catch without a fight. Julian wanted to help, but couldn’t find a convenient place to take hold of Cooper. He considered grabbing him by the ears, but didn’t think that would be very helpful. Though Tim and Dave pulled as hard as they could, they were slowly losing the struggle. Cooper was sinking deeper into the hole.

  If Julian could only get a line of sight on the creature, he could at least blast it with a Magic Missile. He leaned around every way that he could think of, but could catch sight of nothing between Cooper’s huge body and the dust everyone was kicking up in the air.

  Butterbean growled and barked. Ravenus flapped around in a panic. Tim’s feet and Dave’s boots scraped along the rocky ground. All of that was drowned out with one long wet fart.

  Whatever had a hold of Cooper’s foot let go. Cooper flew out of the hole, propelled by Tim, Dave, and possibly his own flatulence.

  Dave immediately crawled over and laid a healing hand on Cooper’s shredded foot. “I heal thee.”

  Julian wanted to watch the skin on Cooper’s foot mend itself. It was a gruesome, yet fantastic sight that he had been witness to in the past. But there was no time. The creature, having braved its way through Cooper’s fart, finally showed its face.