Katherine and Millard stared at Julian. Tim, Dave, and Stuart stared down at their feet.
“Cooper,” said Katherine. “Go to the bathroom, now.” Cooper ran down the hallway with his hands clapped over the back of his loincloth. “Your new friend’s a fucking weirdo, Tim.”
“I didn’t mean…,” Julian stopped. It didn’t matter. He walked over to where Tim, Dave, and Stuart were standing. “Do you mind if we have a word alone?” he asked Millard.
“Be my guest!” said Millard. “Katherine, dear. Why don’t you help me in the kitchen? We can fetch some snacks for our visitors.”
When Millard and Katherine had gone, Julian made his case. “Do you guys think we still need to go through with this?” he whispered.
“Go through with what?” said Tim.
“Killing Millard.”
“Fuck yes,” said Tim. “He killed my sister.”
“Well he didn’t really,” said Julian. “She doesn’t look very dead to me.”
“He’s right,” said Dave. “The situation has changed.”
“He’s kept her here as a captive since we got into town. It’s fucking Stockholm syndrome.”
“She seemed pretty happy to me,” said Dave.
“You know he’s got her under some kind of vampire mind control. Maybe she was happy enough sleeping in a bed rather than on the floor of a bar, I’ll grant you. But there’s no way she would have chosen to become a vampire.”
“I think I remember her going through a Goth phase at some point.”
“That was ten fucking years ago!”
“Listen,” said Julian. “All I’m saying is that, in light of these new developments, maybe we should give it some more thought. Talk about it some more, you know?”
Tim angrily struggled for a counter-argument. “Damn it, Julian. Did you just use Diplomacy on me?”
Julian lowered his eyes. “Yes.”
“Fuck,” said Tim. “What do you guys think?”
“I agree with Julian,” said Dave. “It can’t hurt to wait and talk about it some more.”
“Stuart?”
“She’s your sister, man,” said Stuart. “It’s your call.”
“Fuck,” said Tim. “Fine. I’ll hold off until after dinner to make a decision.”
“If Cooper comes back in here waving a wooden stake around, there won’t be any decision to make.”
Tim took in a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. He nodded his head in the direction of the hallway.
Julian didn’t need to be told twice. He ran off in search of Cooper. At the end of the hallway, he found the door he was looking for. He knocked. No answer.
“Cooper?” he whispered. No answer. He pushed the door to see if it was locked and found that it opened easily.
The bathroom was a cylindrical room made of cobblestone and mortar. A constant stream of water flowed in from somewhere outside through a hole in the wall up near the ceiling. It kept the floor wet and reasonably clean. It drained out through a hole in the center of the floor.
Julian bent over and looked through the hole. Beneath what he sincerely hoped was a solidly constructed floor, was wide open space. It might be two or three hundred feet to the rocky earth below. He stepped back, though he didn’t expect he’d be in danger of falling through the hole. He might be able to squeeze himself through if he were contemplating the most undignified suicide ever, but only just. He’d warn Tim. Tim could probably fall through if he wasn’t careful. Cooper could never get through there, which begged the question, where the hell was Cooper?
“Hey,” said a voice right behind him.
Julian’s heart just about exploded out of his chest as he whirled around. The wet floor was slippery, and Julian lost his footing. Naturally, he fell straight into the drainage hole. His stomach seemed to stay exactly where it was while the rest of him dropped three feet. It wasn’t as tight a squeeze as he’d imagined, and the tenuous grip he had on the floor with his elbows and forearms wasn’t going to last long.
When Julian’s eyes were able to readjust after the drop, they homed in on the tip of a giant penis aimed at his face.
“Wha!” said Julian.
“Grab it!” said the voice. It was Cooper’s voice. “I’ll pull you up!”
Beyond the penis was an arm. Cooper’s arm. Julian took hold of the dildo-stake, and Cooper pulled him out of the hole.
“What the hell, man?” said Julian.
“Sorry, dude,” said Cooper. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I could have died!”
Cooper frowned. “I said I was sorry.” He looked pitiful with his missing teeth and his cheek bruised and beginning to swell. Disgusting as he was, it was hard to stay mad at him.
“Where were you anyway?” asked Julian. “Did you get lost again?”
“I was –”
“It doesn’t matter. We don’t have time. We’ve got to get that dildo back up your ass.”
“What!” said Cooper. “Are you fucking kidding me? It’s been up there all day. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? I only just took it out!”
“We’re aborting the plan,” said Julian. “At least for now.”
“Um…” Cooper lowered his head. “That may be a problem.”
“Why?”
“I just pissed in Millard’s coffin.”
“You did what!” Julian pulled on the ends of his giant elf ears. “Why would you do that? What the fuck were you thinking?”
“I thought if the fight didn’t go our way, I’d give him something to remember us by.”
“Shit!” said Julian. “What are we going to do? I can’t talk our way out of this. What kind of Diplomacy roll do I have to make to apologize for my friend pissing in a guy’s coffin?”
“Maybe tell him it’s a sign of respect in orcish culture?”
“He’ll never buy that.”
“He might.”
“He’s not fucking retarded!”
“That’s it,” said Cooper. “Tell him I’m retarded.”
“I don’t think anyone fucking questions that!”
“Hey, man. I have feelings, you know.”
Julian wanted nothing more than to take that dildo out of Cooper’s hand and club him with it. Cooper looked back at him with pouty, bleeding lips and watery eyes. Snot trickled out of his nostrils. Julian gave up.
“I’m sorry, Cooper.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’ve got to think, and we’ve got to get this stake back up your ass.”
“I’m really tender down there.”
Julian sighed. “Hey, I think I’ve got something that might help. Did you wash that?”
“I rinsed it in the bathroom.”
Julian had to admit, it looked a lot cleaner than he thought it would, considering where it had spent most of the day. “Give it here.”
Cooper handed Julian the stake. Julian held it by the pointy end. It really was remarkable that something this big could fit all the way up a person’s ass.
“Grease,” said Julian. He felt the familiar pins and needles of magic coursing through his free arm as he concentrated. He waved his hand slowly over the shaft. As his hand passed, he left a coating of thick yellow liquid on the weapon. When the tip of the penis end was coated, the magic left his arm.
“Lube,” said Cooper. “Good idea.”
“Bend over.”
“Be gentle.” Cooper got down on his hands and knees. Supporting himself with one hand, he used the other to lift the back of his loincloth.
Julian shuddered. It wasn’t all that long ago that sexually assaulting a half-orc was well beyond the boundaries of his imagination. He held his breath, stabilized himself with his free hand on Cooper’s back, and placed the tip of the dildo on Cooper’s hole.
“Pardon me, sir.” The familiar British voice was accompanied by the flapping of wings. “Your absence has gone noticed, and – oh, I’m terribly sorry.”
“This isn’t what it looks l
ike,” said Julian.
“I’m sure it looks like nothing I’m familiar with, sir,” said Ravenus.
“Dude,” said Cooper. “I need a certain amount of concentration for this. I can’t loosen up with your fucking bird squawking in my ear.”
“Tell them we’ll be out in just a minute, Ravenus.”
“Of course, sir,” said the bird. “Right away.” He flew off.
In the end, the deed proved much easier than Julian had anticipated. That Grease spell was amazing.
Cooper and Julian stood up and brushed themselves off.
“I trust this is a secret we’ll both carry with us to the grave,” said Julian. Cooper nodded.
“What happened to you two?” said Katherine as they entered the dining room. “You fall in?”
Cooper snorted. “Funny you should mention that, because Julian –”
“Shut up, Cooper,” said Julian. His nearly dying in a toilet was one more secret he’d like them both to take to the grave.
“Gentlemen,” said Millard, standing at the head of the table. “Come, you must be hungry. Eat your soup before it cools. I trust everyone likes lamb?”
Tim sat down and started immediately. Whatever his feelings toward his host, they were apparently set aside for hunger at the moment. Julian would have to wait a while for his appetite to return after having just stared into Cooper’s dark abyss, but a chair to sit in was well appreciated. Cooper walked over to where Dave was sitting.
“Your visit couldn’t have come at a better time,” Millard continued. “I just want you all to know that we both put a lot of thought into this. Sweet Katherine and I finally decided that we wanted to spend the rest of eternity together.”
Tim set his spoon down a notch harder than what proper decorum dictated was appropriate. “You mean you decided.”
“I beg your pardon?” said Millard.
“Cut the shit,” said Tim. “We all know you’ve got Katherine under your vampire mind control or whatever.”
Julian forced some soup down his throat. It might yet come to a fight after all. At least that would solve his coffin piss problem. Cooper and Dave had stopped their discussion. All eyes in the room were either on Millard or Tim.
“I assure you, young sir,” said Millard. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“I can think for myself, Tim,” said Katherine.
“I know that!” said Tim, slapping a hand down on the table. “But right now –”
“Please,” said Millard. He stood up. “It’s clear you have a special relationship to my Katherine. I owe you the truth.”
Tim raised his eyebrows and relaxed his posture. “I’m listening.”
Millard folded his hands and lowered his head. “It shames me to admit this, but there is some truth in what the Halfling says. On the night I met Katherine, I used my vampiric power of Glamour to seduce her.”
“I told you!” said Tim. It was unclear whom he was addressing. “I’ve been saying that the whole time!”
“But you must understand,” said Millard. “That is only a temporary effect. It wore off after a few days. Beyond that, the choice to remain here was her own.”
“He’s right, Tim,” said Katherine. “I chose to stay here. And I chose to become a vampire. Think about it. Wealth, eternal youth, no more worries.”
“No,” said Tim. “I can’t –”
“You can’t do anything about it,” said Katherine. “I think that’s what’s really bothering you. You’re a control freak. You always have been. Even here, in this imaginary world we’re stuck in, you’ve been trying to take responsibility for everyone. You need to let the people you care about make choices for themselves. Even if you think they’re making a mistake, you need to just let go.”
“But he…” Tim stopped. “Shit. I don’t know. Maybe you’re right.” He leaned back in his chair. “You know what? Fuck it. I’m done. What’s done is done, right?” He looked around the room.
Everyone responded uncertainly with shrugs, confused nods, and a general sense of relief. They might not have to fight to the death after all.
“If this makes you happy,” said Tim. “then who am I to tell you what to do? Congratulations, and I’m happy for you both.”
Katherine smiled. “Do you really mean that?”
Tim smiled back. “You know what, Kat. I really think I do.”
“For a half-elf and a halfling,” said Millard, “you two have a most peculiar relationship. You must tell me more about it.”
“You wouldn’t believe us if we did,” said Tim.
“There you go, you stingy bastard,” Cooper said to Dave. “Everybody is happy as pigs in shit. Can you spare a fucking Heal spell now?”
Dave looked over at Tim. Tim nodded.
“I heal thee,” said Dave, touching Cooper on the arm.
Cooper leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He groaned as his teeth worked their way back to their proper positions and his swollen lips returned to normal. When it was over, he sighed.
The sound that followed was a clatter of wood on stone. And a fart. Julian’s heart skipped a beat.
Millard stood up. “What was that?” He was smiling.
Julian scanned the table. Millard was the only one smiling. Katherine looked annoyed and disgusted. Chaz just looked exhausted. Everyone else – everyone who knew – looked crestfallen and terrified.
“Sorry,” said Cooper. He looked at Julian. “It was the Grease. It just fell out.” He bent over to pick it up.
“Cooper!” Julian shouted. He sprang up out of his chair and darted to where Cooper had been standing and dropped to his knees. They were out of Millard’s field of vision, but they couldn’t stay that way for long. Julian grabbed the dildo-stake to keep Cooper from standing up with it.
“Is everything okay down there?” asked Millard.
“Whatever you do,” whispered Julian, “keep the pointy end hidden.” Cooper looked confused, so Julian explained further. “He mustn’t know that we came here to kill him. We can still get out of this alive if he thinks we’re just a couple of homosexuals.” Cooper nodded. The two of them slowly rose to their feet.
“What the hell is going –” Katherine paused briefly when she saw the giant wooden penis in Cooper’s hand. “WHAT THE FUCK?”
“I’m sorry,” said Julian as diplomatically as he could. “This is –”
“What is the meaning of this?” roared Millard.
Julian found it odd that Millard wasn’t shouting at him and Cooper. His anger seemed to be directed at Katherine. The look on Katherine’s face suggested that she found it just as odd.
Millard’s voice dropped down to a whimper. “You told them, didn’t you?”
It took Katherine a moment to work out Millard’s accusation, but finally the light of understanding shone in her eyes. “Is that what this is about?” She turned on Tim. “Real fucking mature, Tim!” she said. “I told you that in confidence, so that you wouldn’t worry about me!”
Tim looked as confused as his sister had until the implications finally clicked for him as well. “Hang on a second!” said Tim, standing up. “This didn’t have anything to do with your erectile dysfunction! If you must know, we were going to –”
“It’s ours!” Julian said. “Cooper and I are gay for each other. There, I’ve said it.”
All eyes in the room shifted from Julian to Cooper.
“It’s true,” said Cooper. “We’re total queers.” Julian elbowed him in the leg, but it seemed to have no effect. “Nothing I love more than elf man-ass. Isn’t that right, um… Honey?”
Julian buried his face in his hands, too embarrassed to be scared.
Millard fell back into his chair. “I’ve never been so humiliated.”
“Millard, sweety,” Katherine said in as comforting a tone as Julian had ever heard her speak. “These guys are insensitive jerks, but –”
“Silence!” Millard pointed at Katherine. “I’ll deal with you once I’v
e dealt with your friends.”
His voice was changing. Something between human and the growl of a bear. His eyes turned red, and his upper and lower canine teeth grew long and sharp. He turned his head slowly toward Julian and Cooper, all the while dragging his elongated fingernails across the tabletop, leaving deep grooves in the wood.
“You think it’s funny?” Millard growled at them. “You come into a man’s house. The man feeds you.” He stepped out from his place at the head of the table, counter-clockwise, toward the other end, where Julian and Cooper stood. “Gives you drink.” He grabbed Stuart’s goblet, still half full of wine, and threw it against the wall. “Extends you every courtesy!”
Snot shot out of Cooper’s nostrils as he failed to suppress a giggle. Everyone looked at him.
“What?” Cooper said defensively. “Come on. Considering the circumstances, it was a poor choice of –”
“Shut up, damn you!” shouted Millard, grabbing a hefty iron candlestick. “For once, I wish you would just… shut… up!” He hurled the candlestick at Cooper’s head. Cooper raised his arms to block it, but it flew right between them and hit him in the face. The dildo clattered to the floor.
“Ow,” said Cooper, rubbing his cheek. “Not cool, man. That could have gone in my eye.”
The candlestick had left a nasty mark on Cooper’s face. Julian guessed that it might have amounted to at least six or seven Hit Points’ worth of damage.
Millard stepped back and gasped. He wrapped his cape tightly around his chest. His eyes were focused on the dildo on the floor, but no longer at the penis end.
“You sneaking little cowards,” he said. “It’s not enough you come into my house and mock me. But you sought to murder me in my sleep as well.”
“In his sleep!” Julian said to himself. “Why didn’t that occur to any of us?
The horror on Millard’s face slowly changed into an evil grin as he turned his head to Katherine. “Oh, sweet Katherine. We shall feast well tonight.” He lunged forward at Cooper.
“Millard!” Katherine cried. “No!”
Millard hit Cooper like a truck, and the two of them flew about six feet through the air before tumbling to the stone floor together. When they stopped rolling, Millard straddled Cooper’s chest, pinning his massive arms to the floor. Vampires must be stronger than they look, because Cooper appeared to be losing the struggle against what appeared to be a relatively weak-looking man. Millard’s irises flashed yellow as he moved his mouth toward the pulsing arteries in Cooper’s neck.
Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) Page 16