Julian picked up the dildo and clubbed Millard over the head with the penis end. Millard hissed in pain.
“Julian!” Tim shouted. “What are you doing? Use the –”
Whatever else Tim said after that was lost to Julian, as Millard backhanded him in the chest, sending him in a full backflip to belly flop on the floor. Damn, that was stupid.
The next couple of seconds were just a blur of vision and noise. The first comprehensible thing Julian heard was –
“I’m… really… angry!”
Julian forced his eyes to focus. The battle seemed to have taken a turn. Cooper had hulked out, and he and Millard slowly circled one another. Julian hadn’t expected to do a whole lot of damage to a vampire by clubbing him in the head, but he’d hit the guy pretty hard, and was sure he’d seen a small splatter of blood and heard the crack of breaking skull. But now, with Millard’s back to him, Julian couldn’t make out that even a follicle of hair was out of place on the vampire’s head.
Dave and Tim stood back helplessly, their eyes darting back and forth between the two combatants and Katherine. Katherine appeared to be suffering from some kind of headache. Her eyes were closed, and she had one hand clapped over her mouth. Chaz stood well back from everyone else and began to strum the first few notes of ‘Holly Holy’. Stuart was… where was Stuart?
The answer came flying in from Julian’s right periphery.
“Yaaaaaaaaa!” Stuart screamed as he ran. That bald bastard could move. He flew through the air, his arms and legs flailing around too fast to keep up with. He might have had six of each from what Julian could tell. He assaulted Millard with a flurry of elbows, knees, and fists.
Katherine dropped to one knee, cradling her head in her hands. Her canine teeth grew sharp and pointed. Her tongue ran down them and across her lips. Julian had seen enough vampire movies to recognize her struggle between loyalties, and her thirst.
He couldn’t do anything about her choosing between her brother or her sire, but he might be able to use her thirst to their advantage. Keep her from having to pick a side.
Julian pointed a finger at Katherine. “Horse!” he shouted over the sounds of Stuart beating the shit out of Millard. A white pony appeared before Katherine. Its coat shimmered like a beacon in the gloom. It offered a friendly whinny as if to say ‘Thank you for calling me into existence. How may I be of service?’. Without the slightest hesitation, Katherine wrapped her arms around its neck and bit deep into its throat.
Stuart actually had Millard on the retreat. The vampire backed away slowly as the monk continued his bare-handed assault. When there was nowhere to back up to, Millard made his move. He grabbed Stuart by the throat, slammed him against the stone wall, and threw his stunned, limp body out the window.
Dave gasped.
“Fuck me,” said Tim. “He just killed Stuart.”
Cooper had taken the opportunity to pick up the dildo-stake. His right hand was wrapped around the penis end, and he brandished the pointy end at Millard.
“Finish this!” Tim shouted at Cooper. “The rules say that a wooden stake through the heart will instantly slay a vampire!”
That would have been a nice piece of information to be privy to a few minutes ago.
Millard spat in Tim’s direction, but didn’t take his eyes off of Cooper. The vampire’s hair was disheveled, and his face was bruised. He was even bleeding from the lip a little. Stuart’s bare-handed assault had apparently done more real damage than Julian clubbing him over the head.
“Fuck you!” Cooper roared as he closed the distance between himself and Millard. He grabbed the vampire by the throat and plunged the stake deep into his gut. Millard hissed and coughed up a gob of dark red blood.
“His heart, stupid!” said Tim.
“Do I look like a fucking doctor to you?” Cooper shouted back.
Millard reached under Cooper’s arms and pulled himself up to his neck. He bit down hard.
“Raaaaauuuurrrrggghh!” Cooper screamed as Millard’s fingernails tore deep gashes into his back. “Look, I’m sorry your dick doesn’t work, but I – Fuck, that hurts!”
Cooper’s skin began to grow paler as sweat poured down his back. His ratty dark hair turned grey. All the while, the cuts and bruises on Millard’s face vanished. The vampire’s own gut seemed to be slowly forcing the stake out.
Cooper pulled the stake all the way out. A heart shot wasn’t going to be possible, as the two were practically hugging one another. He shoved the stake up through the vampire’s left armpit. The tip poked out of Millard’s shoulder and carved a gash from cheek to temple.
Millard screamed and lost his hold on Cooper’s neck. The gash on his face closed itself up, but his left arm went limp.
Cooper broke away from the vampire’s right arm as well and stumbled backward. When Julian got a look at Cooper’s face, he appeared to have aged ten years. His eyes were sunken, his cheeks hollow, his sweaty brow stretched taught against his half-orc skull.
“What happened to you?” asked Julian..
“I’m all right,” said Cooper. “I just…” He panted. “I just need a minute.”
Millard hadn’t appeared to be in any better shape than Cooper. But in the brief moment Julian had taken his eyes off of him, he had recuperated far better. The vampire still leaned against the stone window sill on his good arm, and looked as though it was an effort for him to remain standing. The bottom half of his otherwise pale face was covered in a thick layer of Cooper’s blood. It dripped all over his fine clothes. He bared his fangs at Julian in a wicked grin that sent shivers down his slender elven spine.
Julian’s eyes traveled down the length of the vampire’s crippled arm down to the hand. The fingers started to wiggle.
“Shit!” said Julian. “Cooper! He’s getting his strength back! Hurry and finish him off!”
Cooper shambled forward, looking as if it was all he could do to keep upright and keep the stake in his hand.
Millard smiled as Cooper approached him. His left arm still hung limply at his side, but he opened and closed his left hand a couple of times, as if just to demonstrate that he was able to. Each time he did it, he winced a little less.
Cooper wasn’t in any shape for this. He’d be dead before he even got an attack in. But still he shuffled forward.
“Come on,” taunted Millard. His voice was like a wounded bear shouting through an electric fan. “You filthy pathetic beast! I’ll rip your – Yaaahhh!”
Millard’s head jerked back as he screamed. He had something around his neck. It looked like… It was an elbow. Quick as a wink, the vampire’s left arm disappeared behind him. Millard’s howl of agony wasn’t quite enough to drown out the sound of his shoulder re-snapping.
Stuart poked his head out from behind the writhing vampire. “Come on man!” he shouted. “Finish this bastard!”
Cooper mustered up what little strength he had left and sped up his shuffle. He held the stake up and prepared to strike.
“Make it count!” shouted Tim.
As Cooper shoved the stake at him, Millard’s body exploded into a cloud of red mist. Stuart fell forward into Cooper, catching the stake in his gut. Cooper fell backward, landing hard on the stone floor with Stuart on top of him. Six inches of sharpened wood protruded from Stuart’s back.
“Oh my god!” said Dave. “You killed Stuart!”
Cooper groaned in response. The groan grew louder, as if he were trying to awaken from a bad dream, until it was cut short by a quick gush of vomit.
“He’s not dead,” said Tim.
“How can you be sure?” asked Dave.
“I can’t, but you can. Go fix him.”
Julian, Dave, and Tim pulled Stuart’s body off of Cooper. Julian wrapped the corner of his serape around his hand before gripping the penis end of the stake. With one swift motion, he pulled it out of Stuart. Stuart’s body shuddered, and blood spilled out of his mouth.
“Make it quick,” said Tim.
Da
ve licked his lips and put his hand on Stuart’s head. “I heal thee.”
For a moment, nothing happened. Then Stuart’s body started to convulse, and he coughed up the remaining blood in his mouth. When his eyes opened, everyone exhaled at once and stood up to let him writhe around on the floor alone.
“He’ll be fine,” said Dave.
Julian helped Cooper to his feet. He was far easier to pull up than he should have been. “You all right?”
“C-c-cold,” said Cooper, hugging himself.
“You look like shit,” said Tim.
“F-f-fuck you,” said Cooper, though there was little spirit in his voice.
Dave laid a hand on Cooper’s unusually bony shoulder. “I heal thee.”
The gaping bite wound on Cooper’s neck closed up, and his shoulders hunched with the ecstasy of being healed, but even all patched up, he appeared far from whole. A tiny mouse fart squeaked out of him.
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Julian.
“Constitution damage,” said Chaz. “I’d bet anything.”
Having left their equipment outside, there was no way to confirm Chaz’s diagnosis, but it seemed reasonable enough. If anyone would know, it would be him.
Julian noticed that everything he was looking at was tainted pink. The mist from the vampire’s exploding body still hung stagnantly in the air. It neither dissipated nor coalesced into droplets. It merely hung in the air, as if waiting. It made Julian feel uneasy.
“I’m sorry about Millard,” Tim said to his sister.
Katherine smiled at him. Her fangs, while not as pronounced as Millard’s had been, were still unnerving. “Don’t be,” she said. She shifted her gaze from Tim to… well, to nothing in particular. She just stared into the heart of the mist cloud. Her irises flashed yellow. “Millard, honey. Don’t be gone long. I can’t eat all of this by myself.”
A cavernous laugh echoed all around them. It seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Julian could feel the laugh inside his ears, in his nose, even in his eyes.
“You miserable little worms,” said Millard’s disembodied voice. “You didn’t think you could come into my house and destroy me so easily, did you?” The pink mist swirled around them.
Cooper staggered, and Julian put an arm around his waist to support him.
“When I return, I’ll be completely restored, unlike your orc friend here.” A higher concentration of mist formed a pink whirlwind around Cooper. He feebly attempted to wave it away.
“Don’t worry, though,” the mist laughed as it spoke. “He won’t be nearly so weak once he is reborn.”
A wave of pink mist rushed toward Dave. “And you, my good holy man,” The mist swirled around Dave’s beard. Dave waved his arms around like he was being attacked by bees, but it made no difference to the mist. “How much more healing will your god grant you before the well runs dry?”
The densest part of the mist abandoned Dave’s beard and flew over to Chaz. “Did I tell you to stop playing?”
Chaz nervously gripped his lute and picked up where he’d left off on the song.
The air cleared as all the mist in the room concentrated itself before Katherine. Pink darkened to red as it took on a vague human form, but was still nothing close to solid. “Sweet Katherine.” The cloud form looked down at her. “Wait for me. I shan’t be long.”
Katherine opened her mouth to kiss the head of the cloud. Just as the tip of her tongue made contact, the form exploded back into a pink vapor.
The mist then took the shape of an arrow, or a rocket, or some kind of pointed missile, and flew down the hall and out of sight.
“He’s going back to his coffin!” said Dave. “He’ll be back to full strength in a matter of minutes if we don’t get to him. We have to destroy it.”
Katherine moved like a striking cobra. One stride off the floor, the next off the wall, a back flip through the air, and landed on her feet between Dave and the hallway. She hissed at Dave and bared her fangs.
Dave stepped back. “Katherine,” he said. “I’m sorry we have to do this. I know you’re confused, but –”
“No!” said Katherine. “I won’t let you kill him. He’s been nothing but gentle to me this whole time and…” She took a moment to glare at everyone in the room. “You are the ones who have been acting like assholes. It’s no wonder he wants to kill you all.”
“She’s right,” said Cooper in a raspy voice.
“She’s what?” said Dave.
Cooper lowered the giant dildo in his hand. “It was an unfortunate misunderstanding.”
Julian looked at Cooper quizzically. The big guy didn’t have the brainpower to be plotting a ruse.
“Cooper,” said Dave. “Look at what he’s done to you. You look like somebody’s deformed grandfather.”
“The guy’s sensitive about his limp dick, and we attacked him with a dildo,” said Cooper. “I’d have attacked us, too, if I were in his place.”
“Cooper’s right,” said Tim. “We should just leave before he… um… recharges or whatever.”
“I don’t believe I’m hearing this!” said Dave. “We’re so close! Tim, this guy killed your sister. Cooper, you were so intent on killing him that you concealed a two foot wooden dick in your ass all day. Think of the Experience Points we could get. Think of the treasure he must have hidden around here somewhere. We could have the money to pay off a wizard and get back home. Isn’t that what we wanted? What about the plan?”
“We’ll find another way,” said Tim. “Katherine is right. Millard’s been a decent guy. Katherine’s decision to let him turn her was hers to make. We’ve acted like dicks.”
Dave sighed in resignation.
“We’ll just go back to the Whore’s Head for now,” Tim continued. “Give it some time, send an apology, and –”
A howl of pain exploded out from the hallway and echoed off the stone walls of the dining room. A second later it was joined by Katherine, also howling in pain. She cupped her hands over her temples and dropped to her knees. As quickly as it had started, the howl stopped, and Katherine fell into a catatonic trance.
Chapter 20
Dave’s armor rattled as he trembled inside it. He wasn’t sure if he was more unnerved by the howls or by Katherine’s dead, glassy-eyed gaze.
“The fuck was that?” said Cooper. He stepped past Katherine into the hallway.
“Wait,” said Dave. Cooper, as usual, ignored him.
“Shit,” said Tim. He leaned Katherine’s dazed body against the wall. He looked up at Chaz. “Keep an eye on them, would you?” he said, gesturing to Katherine and Stuart.
Tim and Julian hurried after Cooper. Dave, against his better judgment, stomped off after them.
“It’s locked,” said Cooper, standing before a solid wooden door.
“I don’t have my lock picks on me,” said Tim. “Does anyone have a toothpick or a paper clip or something?”
Cooper coughed. It was a wet cough that sounded as though it had come from the very bottom of his lungs. “Fuck it,” he said. He punched the door, and it swung open.
Pop! Pop! Click! Thwang! Snap! Clatter. The final sound was the dildo falling out of Cooper’s hand onto the floor. Cooper soon followed, collapsing backward. He had three crossbow bolts sticking out of his torso, and one more in his thigh.
“Shit!” said Tim. “Booby traps! Everybody back up!” Dave and Julian took a step back from the doorway.
Tim moved cautiously to the door frame and scanned it closely from top to bottom. He licked his lips and slowly nodded his head. Then he reached inside, grabbed the doorknob, and quickly pulled the door shut. Two more bolts thunked into the wood from the other side.
“Dave,” said Tim. “Heal Cooper.” He dropped to his knees and plucked the bolts out of Cooper’s chest and leg.
“It’s my last one for the day,” said Dave.
“Good.” Tim glared up at Dave. “Well fucking use it already.”
Dave knelt n
ext to Cooper. “I heal thee,” he said without much enthusiasm.
The holes in Cooper’s body closed up, but he barely twitched at all. He opened his eyes.
“How you doing, big guy?” asked Tim.
“I’m having a rotten fucking day,” Cooper groaned.
Tim and Julian helped Cooper to his feet.
“Nudge the door open a bit, would you?” Tim asked Julian.
Julian pressed his back against the wall as flat as he could and reached out sideways to push the door open. The hinges whined as the door inched into the room.
“That’s enough,” said Tim when there was a four inch gap to look through. “Jesus Christ!” Tim whispered.
Dave stepped behind Tim. Being a good foot taller, he had a good view over Tim’s head. Through the gap in the doorway, he could see crossbows mounted all over the wall, attached to a series of strings, wires, and pulleys.
“Can you disarm them?” asked Dave.
“Sure,” said Tim. “If you feel like waiting around a few weeks. I’ve got a better idea.” He stopped the door where it was with his foot and looked at Julian. “Can I borrow your serape?”
“Sure.” Julian pulled the garment over his head and handed it to Tim.
“Thanks,” Tim said, wrapping one end of the serape around his hand. He picked up the dildo.
“Hey, man!” said Julian. “I have to wear that.”
“Sorry,” said Tim. He threw the dildo deep into the room and pulled the door shut.
Julian and Tim put their ears to the door and listened. The expressions on their faces gradually morphed from hopeful anticipation to disappointment.
“Did it work?” asked Dave.
“I sprang a few traps,” said Tim. “But not enough to make all that big a difference.”
Julian patted Tim on the shoulder. “It was a good idea.”
Tim shrugged. “Thanks.” He gave Julian his serape.
Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) Page 17