“Let me try.”
“Try what?”
Julian pushed the door open just a couple of inches and looked inside.
“Julian,” said Tim. “What the hell are you doing?”
“You guys may want to turn around,” said Julian. “And maybe cover your ears or something.”
“What?” said Dave.
“Oh no!” said Tim. “Julian, don’t!”
“Horse,” said Julian. He pulled the door shut.
Dave, Cooper, and Tim winced. They didn’t need their ears to the door to hear the cacophony of snaps, clicks, thwangs, thuds, clatters, smashes, crashes and tortured equine screams. It all came as a sudden explosion of noise. Thankfully, the horse noises only lasted a few seconds. The crossbows continued snapping and popping like the three-minute mark on a bag of microwave popcorn. Then five or six more residual traps fired off at greater intervals. And then nothing.
“Dude,” said Dave. “What have you got against horses?”
“It had to be done.”
“And that,” said Tim, “is how you disarm a room full of traps.” He cautiously pushed the door open, just an inch at a time, until it was wide enough for everyone to walk through. At one point, a crossbow on the far wall, dangling on a web of strings, fired its payload straight into the floor. The malfunction likely had something to do with the four bolts that were sticking out of it.
“That’s one hell of a security system,” said Dave.
Crossbows covered the walls from floor to ceiling. Nearly half of them were damaged beyond repair, having been struck too many times by their fellows. Their spent bolts lay all over the floor. There was a conspicuously dense concentration of them marking the spot where the horse had been summoned. At least two dozen more bolts stuck out of the back of the door. The only area unaffected was a six inch perimeter around the coffin at the center of the room.
“None of this shit was in here thirty minutes ago,” said Cooper.
“What are you talking about?” asked Tim.
“Well,” said Cooper. “I mean, the coffin was here. And the hooks and braces were mounted on the walls already, but I didn’t know what they were for. All of these crossbows, and all this string and shit. They weren’t here.”
“That’s impossible,” said Tim. “All this shit had to come from somewhere. There aren’t any closets or cupboards in here. You must have been in a different room.”
“I’m telling you, man,” said Cooper. “I was in this room, and it was empty, save for that bag over there, and this coffin. I know, because I pissed in it.”
“You did what?” Tim sighed. “Never mind. Let’s just get this over with. Get the stake ready.”
“I thought we agreed not to kill him,” said Julian.
“Yeah, well he might not be too keen on conversation after recuperating inside a piss-soaked coffin. If he jumps out and starts attacking us, I’d like to be ready for that.
Tim made a good point. Dave picked up the stake and pulled five bolts out of it. It was so slippery that he could barely hold onto it. He forced himself not to speculate as to what the oily substance coating it might be. He stood over the coffin and looked at Cooper.
“Ready?” asked Cooper, his fingers on the edge of the lid, ready to lift.
Dave shook his head. He concentrated on his breathing until he got it under control. His heart was beating so hard he thought it might punch through his breastplate. “On three.”
Cooper nodded.
“One, two… three!”
Cooper lifted the lid, and Dave was knocked back by a waft of putrid-smelling air. It was unlike anything he’d ever smelled before, but if he had to guess, it was probably a combination of rotten corpse and half-orc piss.
He dropped to his knees and vomited on the floor.
“Jesus!” Tim cried. “What is that?”
Dave wiped his mouth with his leopard-furred forearm and got to his feet. Through watery eyes, he looked into the coffin. He only recognized Millard because of the clothes the body was wearing. The flesh was charred and cracked. The withered black arms were twisted over its face in a defensive position, covering everything but the fanged mouth, still wide open from the poor bastard’s final scream.
“For fuck’s sake,” Julian choked out the words. “Close it already!”
Cooper appeared to be unaffected by the odor. He closed the lid. The smell of death and piss remained strong in the stagnant air.
“What happened?” asked Julian.
“Who knows?” said Tim. “Kat’s gonna be pissed.”
“The plan worked,” said Dave.
“What are you talking about?” asked Tim.
Dave shook his head and laughed. “The plan was for Cooper to smuggle in a weapon, right?”
“Yeah, so? We kind of botched it with the stake. That’s not what did him in.”
“No,” said Dave. “I’m not talking about the weapon he smuggled in with his ass. I’m talking about the one he smuggled in with his bladder.”
“What?” asked Cooper.
“Holy water,” said Julian. “Remember, you drank half the fountain at the temple of Rapha?”
Tim pursed his lips and nodded his head slowly. “I’m sorry he had to die. But I’ve got to hand it to you, Coop. That was brilliant.”
Cooper scratched his balls under his loincloth. “Um… thanks.”
“Julian,” said Tim. “Why don’t you do a quick Detect Magic scan of the room to see if any of these crossbows and shit are magical?”
“Okay,” said Julian. “Detect Magic,” he mumbled to himself. His eyes glowed white. He scanned the walls, but said nothing. He looked down at the coffin, and then at Cooper’s loincloth. “Ew.”
“What is it?” asked Tim.
“It’s like CSI,” said Julian. “Dave was right about the holy water. Cooper’s piss is glowing blue.”
He looked over at Tim, and then at Dave. His jaw dropped open.
“Shit,” said Dave, brushing his hands over his armor. “Did Cooper piss on me?”
“No, behind you!” said Julian excitedly. “That bag is magical! Or something in it at least.”
“This?” said Dave, picking up the bag. It didn’t look or feel magical. It was made of thick, rough leather. Loosening the drawstring, he looked inside. “There’s nothing in it.”
Julian switched off his Detect Magic spell, and his eyes returned to normal.
“Well I can only tell you what I saw,” said Julian. “It was glowing bright green when I had my spell going.”
“I will admit,” said Dave. “It is kind of heavy for an empty bag.”
“Give it here,” said Tim. “I think I know what this is.”
Dave lowered the bag, and Tim reached an arm inside.
“Gold,” said Tim. When he pulled his hand out of the bag, it was full of shiny gold coins.
“Holy crap!” said Dave. “A Bag of Holding!”
“What’s a Bag of Holding?” asked Julian.
“It’s a bag with extra-dimensional space inside it,” Tim explained.
“Okay,” said Julian. “What the hell does that mean?”
“You can put as much shit as you want in there, and it just disappears into the bag. The bag itself doesn’t get any bigger or heavier.”
“Like Mary Poppins?”
Tim shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much exactly like that.”
“Chim-chiminey!”
“Well,” said Dave. “I guess that explains where all the crossbows and shit came from.”
“Gold!” said Tim, and pulled out another fistful of coins. “Do you guys know what this means? We can buy our way back home!”
“We’ve got to get out of here first,” said Dave. “Horace and Boris are still out there. They’re likely to be suspicious if we try to walk out of here with Katherine and Chaz.”
Tim frowned. “Shit. You’re right.” He looked around. “Any ideas?”
Julian shook his head. Cooper barely seemed to have he
ard the question.
“Let’s go check on the others,” said Tim. “We’ll brainstorm.”
Back in the dining room, Stuart still lay on the floor, groaning in pain. Katherine knelt beside him, licking his spilled blood off the floor.
“Kat!” shouted Tim. “What the fuck?”
Katherine whirled around and hissed, baring fangs and fingernails. She had a bright red circle on the tip of her nose, and her mouth and chin were completely covered in blood. After the initial surprise wore off, she lowered her hands and her head and covered her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said between sobs. “I couldn’t help myself.”
Tim walked up to his sister. “I know, Kat. It’s okay so long as you don’t actually take any out of his body.” He cleared his throat. “Listen. I’ve got some more bad news for you. I’ll just come right out and say it. Millard’s dead.” He hung his head.
Katherine lowered her hands and looked down at Tim through teary eyes. “Millard! Who gives a fuck about Millard? Look at me! I’m a freak! I was just lapping up blood off the floor like a dog, and you’re grieving over the bastard that did this to me?”
“But I thought you –”
“Look at my teeth!” she cried. “I had to wear braces for six years! And for what?”
“Fucking vampire mind control,” Tim muttered.
“And my skin!” Katherine went on. “Do you know how much time I’ve spent on the beach, trying to get the perfect tan? Now I’m white as a –”
The room was suddenly silent as Cooper brought the Bag of Holding down over Katherine’s head.
“Sorry dude,” said Cooper. “I’ve got a big fucking headache.” He held out the bag to Tim. “Here’s your sister.”
“Dude,” said Tim. “She can’t breathe in there!”
“The rules say you can breathe for up to ten minutes,” said Cooper.
“She’s a vampire,” said Dave. “She doesn’t need to breathe.”
“Oh yeah,” said Tim. He set the bag down. “We need to think.”
“I’m really tired,” said Cooper.
“You’re dumber than a bag of shit,” said Tim. “Go get some rest.”
“Thanks, man.” Cooper patted Tim on the shoulder and lumbered to the corner. He curled up on the floor and started snoring almost immediately.
Tim rubbed his chin and stared out at nothing. “We’ve got Katherine taken care of. She can stay in there indefinitely. If we can get all our shit from the guards and get out of sight within ten minutes, we can get Chaz and Stuart out of here as well, without raising any suspicion.”
“And if we can’t?” said Dave.
“Then they’ll suffocate.”
“I say we give it some more thought,” said Chaz, lazily strumming his lute.
“If you’ve got any ideas,” said Tim, “I’d love to hear them.”
“I may have an idea,” said Julian, walking over to the window. He poked his head out and looked down. “What if we could just bypass the guards altogether?”
“That would be lovely,” said Tim. “Do you have something in mind?”
“Maybe,” said Julian. “No, never mind. It’s stupid.”
“Name a single idea we’ve had since we’ve been here that wasn’t stupid.”
“Yeah,” Julian conceded. “But I don’t –”
“Spit it out,” said Tim.
Julian pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the window.
“What?” said Dave. “Climb down the cliff? Look at me!” He waved his thick, stubby arms and pointed down at his thick, stubby legs. “I won’t make it ten feet before I fall.”
“It’s okay,” said Tim. “We’re brainstorming. I’ll listen to any ideas, but Dave’s got a point. I don’t see how we could possibly –”
“I wasn’t talking about climbing,” said Julian.
“Flying?” asked Tim eagerly.
“Falling,” said Julian.
“Brilliant,” said Dave. “What’s your Intelligence score?”
“Imagination is more important than intelligence,” said Julian. “Einstein said that.”
“He also had some things to say about physics that you might be interested in,” said Dave. “A body in motion tends to stay in motion until it smashes into the ground in a huge pulpy dead mess. Sound familiar?”
“I think that was Newton,” said Tim.
“How about we quit screwing around and think of a real plan?” said Dave.
“Hold on a minute,” said Tim. “I’m sure there was more to Julian’s idea than us merely leaping to our deaths. Right, Julian?”
“As a matter of fact, there was,” said Julian. He looked at Dave.
Dave sighed. “Carry on.”
“We’ll get in the Bag of Holding,” said Julian.
“Interesting,” said Tim.
Dave shook his head. “Come on, guys,” he pleaded. “Don’t tell me you’re really considering this.”
“Calm down, Dave,” said Tim. “Let’s at least think it through.”
“What’s there to think through? He’s talking about shoving us all in a bag and chucking us out the goddamn window! That’s exactly why I wanted to move the conversation along. I knew he was going to suggest something crazy, and you were going to think it was brilliant.”
“Dude, relax,” said Tim. “No final decisions have been made yet. We’re exploring our options.”
“How is this even an option?” cried Dave. “If you fall three hundred feet and hit solid earth, you’re going to die, whether or not you’re in a fucking bag!”
“But there’s that extra-dimensional space, or whatever, inside the bag,” said Julian.
“You’ve got some extra-dimensional space between your stupid giant ears,” said Dave.
“Hey now,” said Tim. “This isn’t productive. Why not do a trial run?”
“Okay,” said Dave. “I’ll throw one of you out the window, and we’ll observe the results. Any volunteers?”
“I was thinking on a smaller scale,” said Tim. “Julian, why don’t you get in the bag? And Dave, you climb up on the table and throw the bag down on the floor.”
“I don’t know,” said Julian.
“You know what?” said Dave. “Nothing would give me greater pleasure right now than stuffing Julian in a bag and throwing him onto the floor. Let’s do this.” He struggled to climb up onto a chair, and then hefted himself onto the table.
“Fine,” Julian said. “Let’s get it over with.”
*
Dave stood on the table, a wide grin dividing his bearded face. He held the Bag of Holding out in front of him. Just for good measure, he gave it a vigorous shake.
Tim looked up at him with his hands on his hips. “What are you doing?”
“Science,” said Dave. “We want to have as much data as possible, right?”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
“Okay,” said Dave. “On three.” He swung the bag around over his head as he counted.
“Dave!” Tim protested.
“Ha ha!” said Dave. “One! Two! Three!” He released the bag, sending it soaring across the room. His heart skipped a beat as it flew toward the window. He hadn’t meant to throw it that way. But it just hit the wall about a foot away from the window, and dropped to the floor.
“Damn it, Dave!” said Tim. “Be careful!”
Tim hurried over to the bag and put his hand inside. “Julian.”
Julian spilled out of the bag headfirst, tackling Tim in the process. “Holy crap,” he said.
Tim wiggled out from under him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” said Julian. He remained on his hands and knees. “I think so. I just wasn’t ready for –”
He threw up.
“See there!” shouted Dave triumphantly. “I told you! This was a stupid idea from the beginning!”
“Are you hurt?” Tim asked Julian.
“No,” Julian said, wiping his ever filthier sleeve across his mouth. “I
just wasn’t expecting the whole zero-gravity thing.”
“So you didn’t feel shaken, or like you were smashing into a wall or a floor or anything?”
“No,” said Julian. “Nothing like that. It was actually really peaceful in there, except for your sister.”
“You saw Katherine?”
“Yeah. She said to tell you guys to go fuck yourselves for putting her in a bag, and that she does not consent to being thrown out of a window.”
“I don’t know,” said Tim. “I’m convinced. Care to weigh in, Chaz?”
Chaz stopped strumming his lute. “Anything to get out of here.”
“This is insane!” said Dave. “Hold on,” he paused for a relieved sigh. “If we’re all in the bag, who’s going to throw it out the window?”
“Shit,” said Tim. “Julian?”
“I don’t know,” said Julian. “I hadn’t worked out all the details. If we got Stuart back up to full strength, he could probably scale the cliff face and meet us at the bottom.”
Dave searched his brain for a counter argument. “But he won’t be able to get down there in ten minutes. Who’s going to let us out of the bag?”
Game. Set. Match. Time to start thinking of a new plan.
“Ravenus!” said Julian.
Fuck.
“Sir?” said the bird.
“Do you think you could pull me out of a bag?”
“I would make what small effort I could, sir. But you are much larger than me.”
“Let’s give it a try.” Julian picked up the Bag of Holding and pulled it over his head. It engulfed him, and fell to the floor.
“I say,” said Ravenus. “That was rather impressive. Um… now what do I do?”
Dave sighed. “You have to go put your beak, or talon, or whatever, in the bag and say his name.”
Ravenus cocked his head sideways and looked at Dave. “I beg your pardon?”
“Oh for Christ’s sake.” Dave took a moment to warm up his British accent. “Blimey, guvnor,” he mumbled to himself. “You ‘ave to put your ‘ead in the bag, and say ‘is name… bloke.”
“Ah,” said Ravenus. “Very well.” He hopped up to the bag and tucked his head inside. “Master Julian, sir?”
Ravenus flew up just in time to avoid being crushed by Julian spilling out of the bag.
Julian lay on his back and grinned. “It’s not so bad once you get used to it. Give me a second to orientate myself.”
Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) Page 18