Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2)

by Bevan, Robert

  Not minding that they hadn’t been invited, the rest of the party shuffled in after them.

  The room was dimly lit with candles. The floor and walls were crowded with runes and symbols, all of them well above Julian’s level of magical comprehension. In the center of the room stood two wooden chairs, each with an identical domed headpiece mounted at the top, like you might find in a beauty salon. The chairs faced one another, and the headpieces were connected by a cord of what looked to be once-living tissue. Maybe it was the intestine of some animal. The only difference between the two chairs was that one of them sat atop a large circular rune drawn on the floor. This is the chair which Professor Goosewaddle climbed into.

  “Have a seat,” the professor told Tim, gesturing to the chair opposite his own.

  “How does it work?” asked Tim, tentatively climbing into the chair. He sat up straight, hugging the Bag of Holding on his lap.

  “Truth be told, it wasn’t as hard as I imagined,” said the professor. “Now mind you, that’s not to say you aren’t getting a fair deal. Years of experience, that’s what you’re paying for.”

  “I understand.”

  Professor Goosewaddle strapped the headpiece onto his head and nodded for Tim to do the same. “These will allow your thoughts to travel to my brain, uninterrupted by the weak anti-magical field emanating from the rune my chair is sitting on.”

  Tim looked at him quizzically.

  “The big circle on the floor,” said the professor. “Do try to keep up. It’s weak enough for my magic to send you on your way, but will provide me an anchor to hold onto. Understand?”

  “Not really,” said Tim. “But that’s okay. I don’t need to understand. If it works, that’s good enough for me.”

  “Apathy,” the professor muttered to himself. “That’s what’s wrong with young people today.” He spoke up. “Fine, then. If that’s the way you want it, it’s your gold.”

  “Let’s go,” said Tim, strapping on his headpiece.

  “Now,” said the professor. “Close your mind and clear your head. Visualize, as specifically as you can, where exactly you want to go.”

  Tim did as he was told, and Professor Goosewaddle closed his eyes as well. Tim’s headpiece began to glow with blue light. It glowed dimly at first, but slowly grew more intense. The light traveled along the cord, creeping along for the first couple of inches.

  Something grabbed hard on Julian’s arm. He jumped, but it was just Dave.

  “It’s working!” Dave whispered excitedly.

  “Shh,” said Julian. He focused his attention back on the… science experiment?

  The magic crept along the cord for another inch, and then suddenly zipped across to the professor’s headpiece, which then flickered on like a fluorescent bulb. The whole room was bathed in soft blue light.

  Professor Goosewaddle opened his eyes, and a wave of energy radiated out from him. Julian’s hair blew back. The candles were all blown out, leaving everything in the room looking that much bluer. The professor’s body went rigid. The chair he sat in now reminded Julian less of a beauty salon, and more of an old-timey electric chair.

  Julian stared at the professor’s eyes. There was something off about them. There was an image inside them. He couldn’t make it out, exactly, as he was too far away. From where he stood, it was like seeing an image refracted through a droplet of water. He dared not move any closer, but he wagered that if he did, he’d see the inside of the Chicken Hut in those eyes.

  “What is this place?” Professor Goosewaddle whispered.

  “It’s home,” said Tim. His eyes were still closed.

  “Fascinating,” said the professor. He then mumbled a few words, waved his hands around, and then the room went dark and silent.

  Cooper farted. “Sorry.”

  A flame flicked on suddenly, and Professor Goosewaddle’s face was illuminated by the tiny ball of fire he held in his hand. He casually tossed the fireball across the room, where it landed atop a candle. He guided the flame from one candle to another until the room was completely lit once again.

  Tim’s chair was empty.

  Julian’s heart skipped a beat. “Did it work?” he asked, assuming that a negative answer would mean Tim had been disintegrated.

  “Of course it worked!” snapped Professor Goosewaddle. He adjusted his headpiece, but did not remove it. “Who’s next?”

  “What do you mean?” asked Dave. “I thought you said we –”

  “I changed my mind. Consider your debt paid in full.”

  “Why?” asked Dave. He sounded suspicious.

  Professor Goosewaddle smiled. “Because, lad. I’m going with you.”

  Chapter 25

  When Tim opened his eyes, a shiny black rectangle sat before him, bordering an animated picture of fish idly swimming from one side to the other. He never imagined he’d be so happy to see that shitty screen saver. The Bag of Holding was still on his lap. He set the bag on his desk and pushed off the edge of the desk to spin the office chair around once before standing up.

  “Wha!” he said as he fell to the floor.

  What the hell? He stood and looked up… and then up some more. This was the Chicken Hut, alright, but something was wrong about it. It was out of proportion… like a Chicken Hut made for giants. Something was very very wrong.

  Fuck.

  Tim knew in his tiny heart exactly what was wrong, but he had to confirm it with his eyes. He rolled the office chair over to the wall with the cracked mirror and climbed up onto it. The fact that he had to climb all but negated the need to look in the mirror, but he climbed up anyway.

  The cracked fragments of eyes that stared back at him were bright green and wide with panic. He was still a fucking hobbit.

  No! No no no no no no no no no!

  What was he going to do? He couldn’t go through life like this? He’d have to get a new driver’s license. Maybe a whole new identity.

  Calm down, Tim. Get a hold of yourself. We have more immediate concerns.

  Tim hopped down from the chair and hurried to the dining area. The whole place looked like he had traveled here via beanstalk. The lights were still on. That was odd. The sky was pale and overcast. It was either early in the morning or late in the evening.

  Most importantly, Tim noted as he looked out the front window, was the lack of police tape sealing off the building from the public. That could mean one of two things. Either the preliminary investigation had been completed already, or he still had time to get rid of a body.

  How was a three-foot-tall halfling going to move that fat bastard’s body out of the freezer? He wished Cooper was there with him. And where was he going to dump it? He bit his lower lip as he considered typing “How to dump a body” into a search engine. If the shit hit the fan, his internet history log could come back to haunt him.

  No. He had a better idea. He’d re-watch the first season of Breaking Bad to figure out what that chemical shit was that they dissolved the bodies in. Perfect.

  It was time to face the music. Tim walked to the walk-in freezer door like he was walking to his own execution. As he reached up to grab the latch, he heard a crash from the bathroom.

  Shit! Someone else was here!

  There was only one thing to do. Hide himself, and the dead body, behind some boxes of frozen chicken, and hope that it was only a hobo looking for a private place to have a wank. He pulled on the latch, and was assaulted by a cloud of foul-smelling misty air.

  Damn. He thought the low temperature would have kept the body from decomposing so quickly.

  It only took a second or two for the mist to evaporate. There was Mordred, squatting against the back wall, taking a dump on the floor.

  The End.

  Thank you for reading the second book in the Caverns and Creatures series. But don’t stop now. The adventure continues in…

  Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-Words

  And please take a look at these short stories. Tim, Julian, Dave, and Coop
er’s continuing mini-adventures in the world of Caverns and Creatures.

  Cave of the Kobolds

  ZOMBIE ATTACK!!!

  Orcs, Bears, and Assholes

  Shipfaced

  Dungeon Crawl

  The Creep on the Borderlands

  Nymph-O-Maniacs

  Buzzkill

  Cooper’s Christmas Carol

  Sticky White Mess: A Love Story

  Clerical Error

  Cornholed

  House of Madness

  Naga Please

  Elf Inflicted

  The Land Before Tim

  For updates on what I’m currently working on, reviews, or just to come by and say hello, you can find me here on Facebook,here on Twitter, and here at

  www.caverns-and-creatures.com.

  Thank you, No Hyun Jun, for your fantastic cover art.

  Thank you, Joan Reginaldo, for continuing to read through my dreadful first drafts.

  Thank you, No Young Sook, for your love and support.

  And finally, I’d like to send out one more thank you for DeadPixel Publications. Thank you for inviting me to be part of your group.

  If you enjoyed this story, please leave a review. It would mean so much to me.

  Thank you.

  You’ve been enjoying a DeadPixel Publications Book.

  DeadPixel Publications is a group of people with day jobs, writing for the pure love of the craft and hoping for a little success along the way. By joining forces we help promote each other and create a community of sharing and collaboration with one goal in mind: Helping the public find some kick ass books to read (if we do say so ourselves).

  Please visit our website.

  www.deadpixelpublications.com