Conscious Decisions of the Heart

by John Wiltshire

  Ben gave a sigh of relief and began to work his way through from one end of the selection to the other. He pushed a plate across to Nikolas. “You eat something.”

  Nikolas nodded and actually began to eat an apple. “He wants another meeting. Just us—him and me, and he doesn’t want you there. That’s what he said.”

  “That isn’t going to happen. Why wouldn’t he want me there unless he’s got some unpleasant plans for you? I was just sitting there saying fuck all.”

  Nikolas’s eyes came slowly back to him. The expression in them was unbelievably sad. “Benjamin, everything said and done tonight was about you. From the moment he saw us from across the room. Everything.” He cast his gaze down for a moment as if trying to work out what to say then continued, “Imagine in twenty years time we meet again and haven’t seen each other since this moment. I look around for you and…you’re there with…”

  “Me.”

  “Yes. I think it threw him badly. He wasn’t…you didn’t see him at his best.”

  Ben was having a hard time ignoring the clear contradiction between this and Nikolas’s previous claim about the emotional depth of his relationship with Gregory. Rather than challenge Nikolas, which Ben knew was a complete waste of time, he replied testily, “I don’t want to see him at all. I want the fucker dead.”

  Nikolas didn’t reply to this. He put down his half-eaten apple and went to lean against the window, apparently watching the dark sky with total concentration.

  CHAPTER THREE

  The next day, they visited the mews house. Kate had created their fictional absence in France. They reported their return to the police and expressed their surprise at the apparent house invasion. When their story checked out, they were free to proceed in to assess the damage. Neither of them wanted to stay there. The smell hit them as soon as they entered, and the damage needed extensive repairs. They packed a few extra clothes, Nikolas took his laptop, and they headed back to the taxi.

  “Where now? Another hotel?”

  Nikolas shook his head. “We move maybe into another place I have.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “It was an investment.”

  The investment turned out to be back at the restaurant they’d eaten in the night before, but instead of getting the driver to stop at the hotel, Nikolas directed him to a block of glass apartments next door. Ben stared up at the towering mass of reflected light. “Ugly. But I guess they’ve got good views.” Nikolas gave him a strange look but nodded.

  It took some time for them to get through the extensive security. Mainly because as soon as they entered the lobby and Nikolas went over to speak to reception, Ben recognised one of the suited men loitering by the lift doors. He grinned and went up to him, slapping him on the back. “Hello, soldier.” The man grinned too and began to pump Ben’s hand.

  “My God, Diesel. You working here, too?”

  Ben frowned. “You’re working here?”

  “Private security. Best gig in town. We’re all ex-Regiment. What’re you doing here, then?”

  Ben had one of his rare flashes of insight that it might be better not to tell his old mate he was about to move into one of the apartments with his…He shook himself slightly. “Yeah. Bodyguard. Guy over there. How long you been out, Squeezy?”

  “Year. Stuck it longer than you. You been good since you left?” Ben nodded, not sure how good would exactly be defined. All that was good in his life was currently across the other side of the lobby, and Nikolas had been strangely remote since their meeting with the Russian. “Cool dog. He yours?”

  Ben glanced down at Radulf. Would the hired help have a dog? “The boss’s.” He glanced about. “So, what’s it like here? Good pay?”

  The man laughed. “One of the fucking places sold for a hundred and forty million last week—supermodel we’re not allowed to speak to, ’parently. Course, we chat her up every time we fucking see her. She loves it really. So, yeah, pay’s good, perks’re good. Life’s good. What does your guy do?”

  Ben was still processing, very slowly, what his friend had just boasted. He was remembering a conversation with Nikolas…You have four point two million pounds? I have a little more than that…He swallowed, wondering, yet again, if he’d committed his life to a complete stranger. He looked at his friend and for the first time in a long time, Ben wished he too could be a simple, private security guard with an uncomplicated life. “He’s into mergers.”

  “Huh. Anyway, I’d better get back to looking fuckingly cool and hard.”

  Ben smiled. “Yeah. I’m…on duty, too. See ya.”

  “You up for a drink with the boys one night?”

  Ben perked up and nodded with a sly look. “Rat-arsed?”

  “Rat-arsed.” They briefly touched knuckles, and then Nikolas was there. He appeared to pick up on some vibe from Ben. Knowing Nikolas, he’d probably been aware of the whole exchange, so he didn’t look at Ben as they waited for the elevator and then only nodded to his bag for Ben to pick up and carry. They entered the lift.

  Ben glanced over. Nikolas was acting cool and unconcerned. “There’s a swimming pool here. You’ll be able to improve your technique.”

  “Great.”

  “And food is delivered from that odd place we ate last night.”

  “Good.”

  “You’re, as you’d say, pissed at me.”

  “Not exactly. So…four point two? Do you enjoy making me look stupid?”

  “Ah, well.” Nikolas turned to Ben. “I laid you down on the bare floor of our real house and fucked you for free, Ben. That was the real me, remember? This is all illusion. Pleasant, but merely smoke and mirrors.”

  Ben turned to him, dropped Radulf’s lead, pushed him up against the wall of the elevator and pressed the emergency stop. It was very quiet. Very deliberately, Ben undid the button on Nikolas’s suit trousers. He lowered the zip. Hard and fast, he turned Nikolas to face the wall, and then, scrabbling, urgent, he entered him. Nikolas’s head came back and collided with Ben’s face. Ben kept his nose pressed into the delicious-smelling hair and flexed his muscles, pumping himself into the welcoming hole. With one hand, he thrust into the front of Nikolas’s clothes and released him, working him.

  They came together, a tangle of clothes and flesh and muted exclamations of desire.

  Ben tried to make them decent again, but Nikolas stilled his hands. When he released the emergency stop, the elevator exited into their own exclusive lobby, so no rearrangements were necessary. They fell to the beautifully carpeted floor, ripped off the rest of their clothes and did it all again; this time Nikolas topping and working Ben until Ben’s jaw ached for an hour afterward from the tight clench of pain and pleasure.

  Only when they were totally spent did they bother to rise and explore the apartment. By this time, one expensive place was beginning to merge into another for Ben. It was nice. He wouldn’t have given a hundred and forty million pounds for it, but it was okay. Nikolas seemed highly amused at Ben’s reaction. Apparently, he’d never seen the apartment before, either. He’d bought it on a whim to shelter some of his grandfather’s money and had, up to the previous week, had a tenant in it, a Russian who’d stolen most of his country’s oil, something that clearly amused Nikolas no end.

  Ben had to admit the view was good, and it was across from the park so he could walk the dog easily. Nikolas was laughing openly now. He shook his head despairingly at Ben’s obvious intention not to be impressed and came to stand by him at the window. Ben leant his forehead on the glass. “Why do I lose you every time I think I’ve found you?”

  Nikolas turned to him questioningly.

  “You were a soldier for a while—down and dirty with me. And now this. I can’t keep hold of you.”

  Nikolas turned back to the view. “You do it too. Adapt.”

  It was Ben’s turn to stare at Nikolas, and Nikolas added, “Downstairs, you reverted to the old Ben, the SAS Ben, without a thought. What would you’ve done if I’d come over and kissed you? In front of yo
ur colleague? We both play games and have masks we like to wear.” He put his hand on Ben’s shoulder and idly rubbed his thumb on the short hair at the back of his neck. “Sometimes, I think you are my only reality.” With that, he ruffled Ben’s hair and went to discover the bathroom.

  § § §

  The second meeting with Gregory was to be at the Tate Modern. Again, there’d be a lot of people around, but no one would give them any particular notice. Nikolas had decided, for some reason, they should forgo the urbane, wealthy look, opting this time to wear his scruffy jeans and one of Ben’s T-shirts that had seen better days. He pushed his bare feet into loafers and regarded himself in the floor-length mirror of the bedroom. He ruffled up his hair. He hadn’t shaved, either. Ben was watching these arrangements from the bed, perplexed, but also rather amused at the game Nikolas was playing with his old colleague. “I’ll go shower.”

  Nik turned. “No, don’t. I haven’t.”

  “But I’m covered in you. Much as I like that…”

  “Stay as you are. Just dress. Those jeans I like you in and maybe…” He rummaged through a selection of T-shirts. “This one. Same colour as your eyes.”

  “Huh, I didn’t know you’d ever noticed what colour my eyes are. You’ve never mentioned it.”

  “Hmm. I’ve noticed. Trust me. Get dressed.”

  Ben had never put clothes on without washing before. It was decidedly unpleasant. He ran his palm over his stubble. “So, what’s this all in aid of? You gonna tell me?”

  “It was something you said, playing roles. It got me thinking about Gregory and the games we used to―And I think I’d better say no more.”

  “Yeah, good decision.”

  Nikolas was eyeing Ben, rumpled and lean in his jeans. “So…we have some time before…”

  Ben nodded. “Yeah, sorry, I promised I’d meet Squeezy for a coffee.”

  “Squeezy? That’s a very strange name.”

  Ben shrugged. He debated telling Nikolas the story of Squeezy’s naming but decided, as he had the moral high ground in their relationship at the moment given Nikolas’s dissembling about Gregory, he’d better keep it to himself.

  He hadn’t made any kind of arrangement with his old friend, but Nikolas’s odd desire to dress like an Abercrombie and Fitch model had left him unnerved and annoyed. Nikolas let slip about games? Well he was going to end the whole fucking game. Extinction level event.

  He made his way down to the basement where the security offices were. Squeezy was watching a bank of monitors, drinking coffee. He glanced over at Ben. “Off duty?”

  “I need a favour.”

  The other man stared at him for a long time and then nodded. No more words were needed. Favours were pre-promised and expected. That’s what being in the family meant.

  § § §

  The gallery was packed with people examining the exhibits, chins in hands, thoughtful expressions on their faces. Ben refused to be intimidated. He loathed art and thought it was all pretentious. Nikolas had clearly been here many times before and led Ben around, attempting, without any success, to persuade him condoms and solidified sperm were art. Gregory was where they’d arranged to meet, in front of an exhibit of used plastic shopping bags and dead flies. He seemed to sense Nikolas’s presence and turned. His eyebrows rose. Then he frowned. Then he smiled and came forward with a far more genuine look of pleasure than he had at the restaurant. He embraced Nikolas in a warm hug, which, Ben observed, was returned. For one moment, Gregory pressed his face into Nikolas’s hair and breathed in, then he held him off and murmured in far less accented English than he’d used during the previous meeting, “You are my little Aleksey again. Not now so much the big man, hey?”

  Nikolas put a hand lightly on Gregory’s arm. “I’m sorry, Grisha. It wasn’t a good start. It’s been a long time for me, too. I’ve not changed so much, but I wanted you to think I had. I didn’t do what I did lightly, leaving you, leaving everything. I wanted you to see I’d made the right decision—for me, at least. Come, walk with me?” Gregory nodded, and they drifted off together, speaking Russian, laughing occasionally, and completely ignoring Ben.

  Ben pursed his lips, watching them walk away. There didn’t seem much point in following them, as he couldn’t understand what they were saying, and he appeared to have been totally forgotten. He wondered whether the three bullet holes in Nikolas’s leg had been forgotten quite so easily. He wandered back to the entrance, and as it was a nice day, decided to sit by the river and pass the time topping up his tan.

  Nikolas appeared half an hour later. Ben was eating an ice cream, sitting on a bench, watching the river. Nikolas sat down and handed Ben a postcard. “I bought you a present.” It appeared to be a picture of a used condom.

  Ben didn’t reply.

  Nikolas sighed. “Gregory isn’t so bad, Benjamin. You’ve not seen him at his best. He was put out the other night.”

  “So you keep telling me. What does he want, Nik? Besides killing you. Just tell me that.”

  “He never wanted to kill me.” He brushed his leg. “These weren’t killing shots. He wants the new identity, the house, the income. And he wants me on my own. Not with you.”

  Ben turned to him. “Are you still speaking Russian? I don’t understand a word you’ve fucking said! Why is this man dictating anything to you? To me? Fucking hell, Nik, just end this, yeah?”

  Nikolas stared out at the river. “I owe him, Benjamin. I’d forgot until I saw him. He isn’t to be so easily dismissed.”

  “Bollocks.” Ben got up and walked away.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Squeezy was in the pub at lunchtime, as agreed. He’d followed Gregory from the Tate, just as Ben had asked him to, and had discovered the Russian was staying in a large house just outside London. He appeared to have a couple of security men with him, and the house was alarmed. Ben nodded. “Can you do it?”

  Squeezy just gave him a derisive look.

  Ben bought them another round.

  “You want them all dead or just the main man?”

  Ben didn’t hesitate. “All of them. And I’m coming with you.”

  Squeezy shrugged. “More the merrier. Give us the nod and it goes down.”

  § § §

  There seemed to be no point delaying his plan, but he wanted to check the place out for himself before he committed his old friends to such action. Nikolas was back at the mews house for the rest of the day, arranging some of the repairs and alterations, so it seemed like an ideal opportunity. He took a taxi to the corner of the street address Squeezy had given him and waited until he saw the two security men by the car on the driveway. He checked out the perimeter wall, and at a suitable point levered himself over and went silently to the side of some patio doors. He could see a security camera, but it was pointed down the driveway and not at the windows where he was standing. He took a breath and leant around to peer in. He snatched back and let out his breath very slowly.

  Gregory and Nikolas were sitting with their feet up at the table, smoking, playing cards, and drinking vodka.

  § § §

  Ben made his way back to the new apartment and took Radulf out for a run in the park. The park wasn’t big enough to run as far as he needed to, but the familiar pounding helped him calm down just enough not to do anything stupid.

  Nikolas didn’t return until just before first light the next day. He was very drunk and stank of cigarette smoke. He crawled into bed fully dressed and lay on Ben, who hadn’t been asleep.

  “Hello, Benjamin.”

  Ben let a long silence fall between them. Pain put a hitch in his voice when he finally spoke. “Did you sleep with him? And not just in the way I mean—in any fucking way. Did you fuck him?”

  Nikolas jerked back then lost his balance when one elbow seemed to collapse, and he fell heavily onto Ben’s chest. He rolled off and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. “I’m spinning around. How odd. Are you spinning?”

  “Did you fuck him? It’s
a simple question.”

  “Ack, these things are never simple.” Ben turned on his side to look at him. Nikolas did the same then sighed. “Of course not. You need a heart to want someone, and I gave mine to you, Benjamin. Or did you forget?”

  Ben closed his eyes, smiling; the world—his world—was back on its correct orbit. “You’re going to regret saying that if you remember any of this in the morning. But, trust me, I’m going to remind you. You’re so drunk.”

  “I am. I was Russian for the night, and I’m very out of practice.”

  “Why did you lie about where you were? Why not just tell me you were going to see him?”

  “Would you’ve let me?”