Enlightened

by A. L. Waddington

  “The basement window,” he blushed. “I am afraid your brother William and I know every nook and cranny in this house and how to sneak in and out of it undetected.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” I muttered shaking my head.

  “Jocelyn,” he placed his hands over mine and stared intently at me. “Tell me what is going on.”

  I hated it when he did this, it made it impossible for me to deceive him. “Nothing is going on. You really should leave. We can talk tomorrow. I need to get some sleep and so do you.” I tried to change the subject to give me some time to figure out something to tell him, anything but the truth.

  “I am not going anywhere until I find out what you are hiding. Something has clearly upset you. Something you obviously do not want me to know about.” He raised his eyebrows at me and I felt like a little kid.

  In one swift motion, Jackson reached under my comforter and grabbed the album before I could do anything to stop him.

  “Hey, give me that!” I nearly shouted as the hysterics built inside me. “It’s very old. You’re going to damage it.” But I was too late. He had already turned his back to me and opened the front cover.

  “Oh my God…” he gasped in a low voice that trailed off into nothing. He was stiff and silent for several minutes before he turned to face me with pure horror in his beautiful green eyes. “Where did you get this?”

  I exhaled deeply and explained to him how my dad had found my uncle’s journals.

  Jackson sat silently and listened. He never turned the page of the album to see what came after our wedding picture. He just sat frozen and pale and stared at me in disbelief. Even after I stopped talking, he was silent for some time.

  “Say something, Jackson. Please,” I begged, but his eyes were unfocused. I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me. “Jackson, this wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know what was in the trunk. I had no idea there were photos of us and our family in there. How could I have known that?” The tears returned stronger than ever but he still remained silent.

  Ten minutes of agony passed before Jackson seemed to return back to the present. He gently closed the album and slid it off his lap onto my bed. His eyes never looked up to meet mine. They seemed to be somewhere far off in the distance.

  “I have to go,” he whispered in a soft voice as he slowly stood up. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion and nothing was real.

  “Jackson? No! Wait! Talk to me!” I nearly said in a normal tone reaching out for his arm. But he had managed to pull it away before I had the chance to make contact with it. He silently shook his head and slowly walked to my door.

  I jumped out of bed and leapt between him and my door. I knew he wouldn’t make a scene in the middle of the night with my parents asleep down the hall. I guess he knew I wouldn’t either.

  “Jackson, please talk to me. What’s wrong? Why are you upset with me about this?” I blocked his departure and placed both my hands on each of his arms. His eyes finally focused back on me and locked on mine.

  “Not now, Jocelyn.” His voice was low but firm. I had never heard him take such a tone with me before. “Later. I need to calm down. You will have to drive yourself to school in the morning.”

  His expression told me he was serious and I needed to back off. I let go of his arms and stepped aside giving him space to leave my room. He didn’t frighten me, but I knew I had crossed the line and it was one I really didn’t want to dance along.

  Jackson left my room without uttering another word. I stood there quietly and watched him leave, not having a clue as to what to say to bring him back. I had never seen him behave that way and I didn’t know what to make of it. I slowly walked back over to the bed and crawled under the covers. I picked the album back up and stared at our picture. A part of me half expected it to have changed, like in the Back to the Future movie when future actions had changed the past and the picture Michael J. Fox was carrying of him and his siblings had started to disappear. I laughed at myself, yet I caught myself closely examining the photo making sure a part of it hadn’t begun to fade or change in some way. I felt silly and closed the album and slid it under my bed for safekeeping.

  I flipped off the lights and wandered over to the bay window, pulling the drapes back slightly. I wondered what Jackson was doing at this moment. Was he across the street explaining to his parents what had happened? I couldn’t help but worry what they would think of the photos and the implications of them. I knew they were going to be extremely upset with me. Even though it wasn’t technically my fault, I knew I shouldn’t have looked through that trunk because I had found exactly what I was hoping I would find and that fact alone made me feel much worse.

  CHAPTER 18

  Wednesday, November 20, 1878

  I SHOT UP STRAIGHT IN MY BED with intense feelings of pure panic. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I struggled to calm my breathing as my eyes quickly scanned my room. Everything appeared the same as always. I closed my eyes, drawing my legs up to me and wrapping my arms around them resting my head on my knees. I focused on what I had seen the night before. Something had gone horribly awry, I was positive of it.

  My chest began to ache and I rocked back and forth not even sure why a sudden rush of tears were now falling from my eyes. Jackson, it was Jackson.

  Something had happened to Jackson… No. That wasn’t it. Something had happened between Jackson and I. Something that I was responsible for. Something I had done that he did not approve of. But what?

  I continued rocking back and forth searching my brain for what I had done. Nothing came.

  I jumped out of bed as Mimi came in to wake me. She helped me dress quickly. I knew I had to speak to Emily as soon as possible. Certainly she or Robert would know what had happened. I didn’t even consider the fact that I had classes this morning. I didn’t care. I had no idea what I’d done, but I knew it was something bad.

  It was bitter cold and the frosted grass crunched under my feet as I quickly ran across the lawns. A low light beamed from the front window and I was sure that at least someone was awake. I tapped nervously on the front door waiting for someone to let me in. I shifted my weight from one foot to the next shivering in the cold before Barnaby finally came to the door.

  “Good mornin’, Miss Jocelyn,” he greeted me with a startled look.

  I quickly stepped into the foyer still shivering. “Has Mrs. Chandler arose?” I asked through my still chattering teeth.

  “No ma’am, but Mr. Chandler’s in da dining room havin’ his mornin’ coffee,” he nodded towards the opposite direction.

  I rushed into the dining room not even considering how inappropriate my actions were. “I am sorry to intrude, Mr. Chandler,” I said as I entered the room.

  Robert was sipping on his coffee buried behind the morning newspaper when I approached. He looked up at the sound of my voice, obviously startled by my behavior. “Miss Jocelyn, what’s wrong?”

  He knew something had to be wrong. I had never behaved so informally before in my life. “I am not sure, but something is. I am not sure what happened, but I think I did something to really upset Jackson.”

  He gently guided me over to a chair and pulled it out for me. I sat down and he kneeled beside me offering me his handkerchief. Susan came in with a confused look on her face and quietly poured me a cup of coffee before exiting quickly without a sound.

  “Jackson is at school. You could not have done anything to upset him.” The confusion on his face was plain to read. I shook my head at him.

  “No, there. I did something there last night, but I have no idea what it was. I can’t remember.” Tears welled up in my eyes. “I know he is really upset with me. I woke up with this pain in my chest and for some reason I feel like he is close to calling off our wedding.”

  I could hardly get the words out. I was close to hysterics. I could not imagine living in a world where Jackson was not by my side.

  “Oh, I see.” He sat down in the chair next to mine
and leaned his elbow on the table, rubbing his chin like he was lost in his own thoughts. I stared at him as he contemplated his next words.

  What had I done? What horrible thing could I have possibly done to cause such a reaction in the man I loved, and why was his father struggling to tell me about it? It had to be absolutely wretched.

  “Jocelyn, I am sorry.” Robert stopped rubbing his chin and placed his hand over mine. “I am afraid I cannot tell you what happened because it can greatly affect your life here.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I demanded in a tone I immediately regretted using.

  Robert looked stunned by my bluntness then slowly laughed. “Yes, your traits from there are starting to come through as well, I see.”

  “I apologize, Mr. Chandler. I sincerely do. I feel like I have so little control over my actions and behaviors. Some of the things I am doing are so out of character for me,” I cried, but he only smiled gently.

  “I know, Miss Jocelyn. It is to be expected.”

  “Please. You must tell me what I did. I have to know. I have to correct it.” The tears fell steadily down my face, but I made no effort to wipe them away. “I have to speak with him,” I pleaded.

  “I am truly sorry, my dear. I wish there was some way I could help you.” Robert got up and walked over to the window and stared out at the veranda.

  “Please,” I begged. “Can’t you call him?”

  I knew they had a telephone installed in their home the same time we did. Although I could never recall them ever calling upon Jackson while he was away at school. I also knew they had a phone in his residence building since Olivia had called William there before they were married. Jackson had told me so himself.

  “I do not believe that would be a good idea. My son is fully aware of what transpired between you two there and if he felt it necessary, I am sure he would contact you. I think it may be best for you to give him some time and space right now.” He continued to stare out the window so he wouldn’t have to face me.

  “But what did I do that was so horrible?” I begged.

  “I am sorry, but it is not my place to discuss what transpired between the two of you.” He walked back over and sat beside me again. “I know this is difficult for you and I do wish I could do or say something to make this all easier.” He inhaled deeply and sighed, placing his hands over mine. “All I can say is that what you discovered can greatly affect your life here and therefore, I cannot say anything about it. I really am sorry, Miss Jocelyn.”

  I nodded slowly with no words or fight left in me. I sat numbly for several minutes, holding his hand, searching my brain for any sort of glimpse into what I had done to cause such a state. But my mind was blank and I found no answers, only more questions.

  I smiled softly at the man whom I was no longer sure would be my father-in-law and walked hesitantly to the front door. “Please, forgive my intrusion,” I whispered softly before turning to leave.

  Robert surprised me by wrapping his arms around me in a fatherly manner and kissing the top of my head. “Try not to worry, my dear. I am sure you two will work this out. All couples have disagreements from time to time. It does not mean that he has stopped loving you. I am positive he has not. Give him some time and things will work out fine.”

  ***

  I undressed numbly with my head in a fog. Nothing felt real anymore. I crawled back into my bed and informed Mimi that I did not feel well and would not be attending my classes that day. She brushed my sweat-matted hair away from my face, gave me a slight nod and departed, closing the door softly behind her.

  I watched the flames dance across the wall in various shapes and forms. I tried to imagine what was going on in this bizarre new world that was finally becoming clear. My eyes became more unfocused as my mind drifted away to the unusual things in my other world. I pictured the clothes, moving photo boxes, and my friends, those three amazing young women who always seemed to be by my side. Their faces had become ingrained in my mind, their smiles and the sound of their laughter gave me great comfort.

  I pictured my room there. The unique differences between the two of them were astounding. My picturesque ivory, violet, and sage pristine room was all class and delicate. Her room was stuffed with vibrant colors and photos of things I had only read about in fairytales. She had brilliant lights and fabrics that felt elaborate to the touch. Everything about her was all that I wanted yet failed to have the strength to be here.

  I got up and walked over to my vanity and sat down in front of the chair. The reflection that stared back at me appeared tired and weak, lost and alone. I envied the strength that dwelled deep within my other self. She was strong, independent and willful. Those small little personality traits of hers that were bleeding over into my life here felt amazing to me. I loved the fire that burned within me when I acted spontaneously and spoke my true feelings.

  I picked up my brush and ran long strokes through my hair and wondered if I should call Jackson directly myself. Olivia had called William numerous times at their dorm and I knew the number was written on the chalkboard downstairs by the phone. Would Jackson be terribly upset with me if I called? He had never told me not to call him at school. I placed the brush back on the table and went over to my nightstand. I picked up my copy of Sense & Sensibility and sat down in the rocker next to the hearth.

  Unfortunately, I was on the part of the story where Marianne discovers that her Mr. Willoughby is going to marry another woman. I read about half a page of her heartache and grief then tossed the book over on my bed. It was only making me feel worse plus confirmed that happily ever after never happens for anyone no matter where or what time period they reside.

  I walked over to my bookcase and glanced over the titles of every book I owned. Nothing remotely appealed to me. It seemed every one of them was a love story of some sort or another and each with its own version of happily ever after. I wished I had something different to read, something to distract my mind off this heartache. My sewing basket sat beside the rocker but also held no appeal to me. I had nothing to do to occupy the countless hours ahead of me. I took a deep breath and crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up over my head.

  CHAPTER 19

  Wednesday, November 18, 2009

  I EXPLAINED JACKSON’S ABSENCE by saying he was sick to justify why I was driving Ethan and myself to school. I hated the thought of admitting to anyone, especially my brother, that we’d had an argument and were not speaking. I knew he would fully enjoy it and hope that I would call off the wedding and things would return back to the way they were before Jackson ever entered our lives.

  I continued about my day, moving from one classroom to the next, trying not to think at all about the damage I had done. I sat numbly and listened to one lecture after the next without hearing anything my teachers said. It was like running on autopilot, functioning without consciously being aware or feeling anything.

  After basketball practice I considered going over to his house and demanding to know what his problem was or calling him up and begging for forgiveness. However, the stubbornness deep inside me wouldn’t allow me to give in, either. I kept telling myself over and over again that if he wanted to speak with me, he knew where to find me. But even that didn’t stop me from keeping my cell phone beside me all evening in hopes that he would give in and call. And of course, he didn’t.

  CHAPTER 20

  Thursday, November 21, 1878

  I COULDN’T MOVE. My chest ached with pain and my head throbbed from the nonstop crying for the last two days. Tears no longer fell from my eyes, I had none left. But the dry sobs still returned every time Jackson entered my thoughts.

  The morning sun glared through my windows making my head throb. It was painful to even open my eyes. My vision was blurred and I swear my eyeballs hurt. I made no effort to get out of bed. There was no life in me.

  Mimi was the only one I would allow to enter my room. I didn’t want to see anyone else. She never questioned my haggard s
tate, but spoke comforting words when she tried throughout the day to get me to eat something. Food was the furthest thing from my mind. I had no appetite or desire for anything but Jackson.

  The hours passed slowly as I sat lifelessly in my bay window. The coolness of the window felt comforting on my aching head while I stared off into nothingness. The sun shifted gently in the sky as I witnessed it glide gracefully with the passing hours until it finally set on my torment and darkness took over once more.

  CHAPTER 21

  Thursday, November 19, 2009

  FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW I drove Ethan and I to school. I was hoping that Jackson would make an appearance, but by the time the first bell rang I realized that he wasn’t coming. I slammed my locker shut in frustration and stomped off to class. I was so angry with him for behaving so childishly. Yet, in the back of my mind, the photo of my future family kept reappearing and my heart would break all over again, making the anger disappear.

  By the time lunch rolled around and we were all gathered in the cafeteria, I felt like the smallest little thing was going to cause me to burst into tears.

  “Where’s Jackson?” Hilary asked innocently. “I hope he’s not sick. What about the movie tonight?”

  “He’s not sick,” I answered flatly. “We just had a fight, and he’s acting like a baby and avoiding me!” Every eyebrow in the vicinity rose with curiosity.

  “Must have been some fight!” Zak tried his best to hide his smirk from me. I thought briefly about kicking him under the table but decided he wasn’t worth the effort. Luckily, Caitlyn elbowed him in the stomach for me with a smile in my direction.

  “Does that mean the wedding is off?” Ethan asked with hopefulness in his voice.

  I flashed him the most evil look I could muster and the smile quickly faded from his lips.

  “Sorry,” he responded in a weak voice.