by A M Russell
‘Jared? Stand up…please. Then will you step back?’
I think it was George’s voice…. Could be Jules… no. He has a deeper sound, much like the cat his eyes emulate. A soft deep sound. Soothing. A voice to listen to. This one is not so well inflected. It’s not George. I hear some distinct whispers of discussion. They are trying to work out how to get me out of this one. I bow my head down to my knees now. I don’t want to go. I haven’t felt this calm since…. Well I don’t know when. Peace…. that is the realest gift.
I simultaneously realise that my family are here. I want them to go away. So that they don’t have to be concerned at me. I want to be free of that obligation to be happy and sweet for others sake. It is irrational I know. I want them to be happy. But I know that at this moment they are definitely not. So I simply stand up, turn round and walk back out of the taped off area.
Immediately two of the heavies grab me by each arm. I know that is what they are trained to do. I don’t resist.
‘This will have to be dealt with by our department.’ I hear one of them say to someone else to my immediate right.
‘Like hell!’ definitely Marcia.
‘Look,’ says Jules, ‘I will take responsibility for this. I will check the readings and I will report them back to your boss. We are on equal terms after all.’
‘Huh…. alright.’ they let go of me. I stand there waiting to be collected. I am it seems, project property all over again.
‘Ladies…. if you please.’ says Jules. They take me by the arms and escort me back up to the big tent. I’m sat down rather firmly in a chair. I don’t move, I don’t resist. And I keep looking down, not meeting anyone’s eye. I’m drifting now. And want to sleep. Dieter comes in.
‘Jay?’ He says.
I look up at him.
‘You work it out. You understand. Yes?’
I just nod. Marcia and Janey have their serious faces on. Davey who has just come in looks puzzled. Karis and Morel are talking to Dieter now. I switch off.
‘Come on Jared,’ says George, ‘Time to go home.’ He pulls me up and we walk back along that track towards the lane. It’s about a mile. There are lamps strung along the path, like mini street lights. Eventually we get to the car. I am sandwiched between Marcia and Janey. Davey is in the front passenger seat. And Sam is driving. No one speaks.
I sit in the big chair. The lamps are lit in pools of light. I want to sleep but something won’t let me. I heard a whisper. But I felt too dazed to take in what is happening around me. I’m back in my parents’ house in the main room. No one except Marcia is here with me. But the others are through in the other room and I catch snatches of whispered conversation.
“He’s not said anything….”; “Why is Jared doing this?”; “Are you sure he hadn’t done that?”
Done what? I supposed they meant caused it to stop like that.
Karis comes in and sits down in front of me. She glances and Marcia who moves her head slightly in acknowledgement.
‘Well little brother. I will need to get you something to help you tonight.’ She holds out her hands.
I touch her fingers lightly and look up. She is neutral but serious in a way. Concentrating and then she slips her fingers round mine.
It is not like our Father. She is more subtle. You wouldn’t know someone was riffling through you mind unless you were actually concentrating. I moan slightly then. That barrier comes up that secret… the one I don’t want to tell.
‘Jay…. Jay. Look at me!’
I look into my sister’s eyes. Then I feel there a pain that makes me shrink. That not knowing…being alone….and she is looking and looking. And then she goes on a journey. And I see her holding a baby in her arms. At first I think it is hers. But then I see the scene. She visits another woman. Someone else. A face I have seen. This is the younger version of her. The baby is…. She is….
I look at Karis. I tear gathers and rolls itself down her cheek as her face shows nothing. But beneath the surface I can feel this terrible passion, like a raging storm. It could eclipse the sun. She has been to the strangest place. And she knows there is something that cannot be undone. And in my mind’s eye I hear her weeping. I see our mother Laura rocking herself and crying as well. What could have hurt them both? Karis! I cry out in my mind. She lets goes of my hand.
‘It’s fine.’ She says.
‘It’s not though, is it?’ I say to her.
‘Not really.’ Karis looks startled.
‘Help me sister!’ I manage to say, ‘I really need to learn something from you.’
‘You are fine dear brother. You have controlled a time stop. In a controlled area. You touched the skin of this. You let go and you are seemingly unhurt.’
‘Am I crazy?’ I ask her.
‘No more than usual.’ Karis is still sad. What I saw was the single most difficult thing for her, Leo and Laura. There was nothing they could do. She looked down at that baby. She knew that she could not take it back to its mother. She had to leave and tell her dear friend that baby Rose was not coming home.
Karis was already there. She could not destroy her own future. The paradox made the action impossible by anyone. Karis knew. Therefore, the knowledge is what prevented the action that had been taken from being undone. Karis was that baby. She was stolen. And another family had brought her up. Laura had already met her. The circle was already closed. And the deal was sealed when Karis went to find that lost child. Then it was over. They could not take her back. Karis’ information was the only thing that makes it possible. We let it be. And Janey and I were then the product of an overprotective mother. So terrified of her children being taken from her again. The culprit was apprehended by Leo…. So I had heard. But that was not something I could now know anything further about today.
'Jared?' Karis brings me back, 'Do you see?'
'Yes.' I said, 'There are some things that you cannot change....and some things that you can.'
'The person who is wise; understands the difference,' she said, 'and now you see why I understand it so well.'
'Karis....I'm sorry for being so stupid....' I try to see some acknowledgement in her face, but see a question instead.
'I cannot tell,' she says, 'but you are already casting a wide net over several people....'
'What does that mean?'
'I think there is only one way to know.' Karis turns to Marcia who has been waiting patiently all this time, 'Will you let me into your mind?' she asks her.
Marcia tilts her head to one side, 'I don't want to be seen like that...' she says, then: 'I'll only consent if there really is no other way.'
'I can only tell with the strong connection that is obviously yours;' Karis seems hesitant but continues, 'if a relationship is erm.... More, well.... Connected.' she seems to be lost and looks at me with an appeal for rescue in her eyes. I just shrug, puzzled. What Karis means by that is not for me to speculate. I’m guessing that sense of attachment.
‘What do you actually mean, when you say you want me to let you into your mind?’ Marcia is sitting up now, a defensive gesture.
‘I never do anything like that without permission.’ Says Karis, ‘and I couldn’t with you anyway. There is a very strong resistance…. You seem very protective of Jared in a way that means that if any one tried to invade his mind, you would know.’
‘You mean some kind of psychic connection?’ Marcia has that bright interested look. She wants to know everything. I sit back in the chair trying to hide from them both. They both turn and look at me at the same time. There is a fraction of a second when I sense Karis and Marcia moving towards me….and then I can feel them both just inside my mind….in the front hall as it were.
‘Please stop!’ I sound breathless. But they are there, just at the edge of all my secrets. I know that I cannot hide anything from Karis, not really. But how is Marcia doing this? This ability is one that I have not seen Marcia exercise. She communicates a lot very strongly in the normal sense of the word.
‘Stop that now!’ another voice cracks like a glass shattering. All at once the pressure lifts.
‘Mother!’ says Karis.
‘Yes,’ Laura comes round to me and brushes her hand lightly over my head. The tension totally dissipates, ‘I won’t have this Karis. There is no need. I know what has happened here.’
‘You do?’ Karis sounds unstrung and contrite, ‘sorry Jared; sorry Mother.’
I look at her. I have never heard Karis address Laura as “Mother” before. I clearly have to play catch up.
‘As we are all here,’ Laura relaxes into the seat next to mine, ‘I will tell you. This is my area remember? I know much more about all of this, than even Leo can instinctively. You both are dangerously powerful, and Marcia is the one who can stop you both.’
‘What?’ Marcia is for once startled and speechless. I daren’t say anything to our Mother. She has us on her territory, and she is in certain ways more potent than even Karis. Mother…. Laura has “Earth Blood” as we call it. And because she is a traveller it makes her completely unstoppable. But even Laura cannot change others.
Laura speaks very softly now; like the purr of a cat: ‘There are some who cannot be changed. They cannot be erased. And have a strong “signature” as we call it. It opposes all other forms of this talent; it can neutralise any sort of person who possesses such ability as Karis, or Jared do; or Mr Morel.’
I look at Marcia. She is unperturbed by all of this.
‘Yes…. I know.’ Marcia says, ‘I have felt the same as when it is quiet at home. I can feel it in the ground. Inside me…. Everything is flying around, but it cannot change me, or move me. According to the scientists, I was supposed to be immune to paradox; in to the Sandglass experiment. I am not affected by consequences, different realities…. or anything else the governing body could throw into the mix.’
‘Ah!’ Karis’ eyes widen as if she had answered an unspoken question.
‘The thing is…’ Marcia continued, ‘I am now clear that these magical things are like a kind of science…. some people can juggle; or do complex maths questions in five seconds, or understand the parameters of the theory so that they can build a time machine. Or even bend space-time by the power of their own minds…like this family seem to do. It’s part of a whole universe of weirdness that could throw up anything at all. I’ve seen so much that I am fully convinced that you are all gifted with this…. the question is; what can this do to help us stop the Bank Collective? But the question that bothers me the most is a practical one: When are we going to kit up and investigate this anomaly?’
‘It a trap.’ I say.
‘Of course it is.’ says Marcia without looking at me.
‘I will call the rest of you team,’ Laura is matter of fact, ‘and we will know more tomorrow,’
‘And tell me,’ Marcia says, ‘why are you looking for that net that has been cast out in Jared? It’s not there. There are two of us that are immune to all the effects.’
‘What do you mean?’ says Laura carefully.
‘Davey of course. Your son brought him back; and Davey brought your son back. It was Davey who elected to stay with Jared and Janey in that place where all times meets. We are the ones you’re looking for. And no need to go in the spare room of anyone’s mind.’
‘Oh! Well…. A boy? He is an anchor. And you are….’ Laura addressed Karis exclusively then, ‘You and I need to have a little talk.’ She got up, and Karis obediently followed her out of the room. Kitchen I guessed.
Marcia came and sat next to me, ‘This isn’t chess.’ She touched my arm lightly, ‘It’s alright now. No one else will be fiddling with the files today,’
‘I…. I don’t know what happened in the mountain.’ I said to her.
‘I went to find Jules and the others. We were clever. We switched the end points.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘I would think you would know.’
‘Not a clue. I’m an artist remember. No point in talking technical; unless it’s about cars.’
‘We changed the destination and the start point on the map of events. The story has already ended.’
So where does the whole things begin?’
‘Ah!’ Marcia started to smile, ‘that is the fun part, are you ready for a little adventure?’
‘Yes?’ I’m really not sure what just happened.
‘Jared….my dear. I get it. All of it. Even your mother. Just don’t tell anyone I said so.’
‘Get what?’
‘Who’s who in your family. I had already found out more before we starting seeing each other. Even before Sandglass. I did my homework. And that’s why I’m sure that I am the best woman for the job.’
‘What job?’
‘Taking you on permanently of course idiot!’
‘I’m not.’ I said sounding irritated.
‘No, just occasionally you need reminding that all we have is because of more than just the things that cannot be changed. It a choice Jared.’ She took my hand, ‘I choose you. I never realised how strongly that choice affects everything else. I’m not afraid of this Rimmington, of anything he, or his little gang can do. And you need to realise who is watching your back.’
I said nothing then. The edge of this was the province for the women in my life. They all formidable, somewhat scary, forthright, and independent. I guess I’m rather dithery and flimsy compared to them.
‘Jared?’ Marcia tries to catch my eye. I look down. She is scary….in a good way. I’m really beginning to appreciate Adam’s take on Marcia as a warrior woman with a big sword,
‘I think you’d look good in leather.’ I said quite randomly.
‘Kinky…I didn’t know you were that way inclined?’
‘I’m not…. well I could be….it was something Adam said.’
‘You boys should form a knitting Bee. When you all get together it’s like the WI annual jolly.’
‘What?’
‘Knitting? You do know what that is?’
‘Of course I do…. are you reading my mind now?’
‘No.’ Marcia eyed me strangely, ‘what makes you think that?’
‘Karis…. she was….’ I couldn’t say what, because I didn’t know; so I just looked down.
‘Why did you run off like that?’
‘When?’
‘Today. The anomaly….’
‘I can’t stand conferences,’ I know I’m being sulky and closed off, ‘they talk endlessly…. I needed some air.’
‘Don’t fob me off.’
‘Alright!’ I look her in the eye, ‘I was at the end of the Cloud Field with Davey….and I thought I wasn’t coming back. I believed for a while I wasn’t actually supposed to….and I….and I wanted to…to…’ I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. I felt angry, because conventional thinking was telling everything and everyone that I needed to be brought back to heel. I tried again: ‘You were right. We must take this challenge and go through the doorway.’
‘That isn’t at all what you wanted to say.’ Marcia isn’t fooled for one second.
‘I’m sorry for being so transparent.’
‘Sarcasm is only useful if you have the talent for it.’ Marcia leans closer, ‘you don’t, you know.’
‘But bitter and jealous, angry and moody…that’s more my style?’
‘Why do you torture yourself?’
‘I don’t know. Why do you care Marcia?’
‘I’m going to get to the bottom of this mystery!’ Marcia grabs me by both shoulders and shakes me a little, ‘you are the most perplexing part of it.’
‘Yeah; right. Hanson thought I was in the way.’
‘Why are you talking about him?’
‘Because you went with him.’
‘Yes…’ she let’s go of me then. I’m pushing her away again. I can feel the gravity of all that weight inside. I can see the light going outside, and I’ve lost my perspective again. I hate them all for being so clever, and togeth
er. I’m falling apart. I’m falling into little pieces. I want to go through the door. I want an excuse to be in mortal peril…. because I’m not afraid to die. I fact I would welcome it. It’s better than being alive in this amount of pain. Something oily and snake-like is swimming inside my mind. I don’t want to contaminate this beautiful woman with that dark horrible side of me. I had forgotten how strongly it pained me. Being on the expedition had erased this. But now, after several months of relative calm, it has come back with vicious suddenness. I can’t see clearly; I’m afraid to feel; afraid to let go. I would rather be alone…half a life; but at least I can live with some dignity. I haven’t even the claim to be original. An artist…. And a tormented soul…. Oh God! Help Me! I am ashamed of the cliché…. But this is no affectation.
I look towards her again, but she has gone. I am choked with an emptiness so deep and hollow that I just curl up in the chair and shut everything out….
A long while later I’m lying on my bed staring into nothingness. That attack of blackness…. that thing that happens sometimes has passed. I feel empty and listless. There is nothing there. Not happy or sad, or anything. Just a blank stillness. I can’t live like this. I have to do something about it. It hasn’t got better; it’s just sometimes easier to control. When I’m working I feel fine…mostly. When I’m here it intensifies. I think it’s because I can’t escape then. But facing what you fear…. I do it every time. That demonic presence that I feel; I’ve been told it is just a part of how I am; and that it will go if I do get some treatment. But they don’t know what it really is…. the conventional perspective on one’s mental health is that such things are all in the mind. Some are; I concede that, but what else is here? If dear Violette is just ready to admit more that the things at the limits of her scientific knowledge; what chance would one of her profession have, who didn’t know about this secret scientific cutting edge work that we all took part in?
In the world of many of the people I know, where the science stops, something else begins: Time bends around us, it ripples through us. We are visited by forces of nature and messengers from beyond. This house: is a house of many things wonderful and marvellous. And I know I must make my peace with one of these.