by A M Russell
‘I just need to be sure that you agree.’
‘Yes.’
‘Marcia has not taken the Team Leader spot. Any Idea why?’
‘She likes me.’ I am starting to wish I hadn’t put those cigarettes away in my personal pack.
'Everyone knows it's much more than that.' Joe is smiling now, then glances outside. Marcia crossing the space in front of us.
'It has been so long.' said Joe.
'For what?' I murmur still following her with my eyes.
'Since this all started.' Joe shifted his attention back to me.
I shivered and started to slip back into my jacket.
'Does it happen a lot?' Joe said and tipped the cards in a chaotic pile just in front of me.
'Stop....please....' I can feel that slippery graceless tumble into oblivion waiting for me somewhere off to one side.
'Very well.' Joe looks at me momentarily as he gathers the cards together; shuffles them; and lays them out neatly again.
I give up and rest my head and arms on the little table. We sit in silence. I hear that snap and whoosh as he fans them out and then in a moment pulls them back into one pile.
'Joe?'
'Yes?'
'I have to go back. I'm too much of a risk.' I can see Joe staring down from that sideways upside down place, as I try to be honest for a change.
'Is that for us? Or for you?' Joe puts the cards down. He leans both elbows on the table near my head and stares into space.
'Both.' I close my eyes. They are stinging. I want to go to my pod straight away.
'It's too late to go back.' Joe taps the edge of the pack, lining them all up.
'I know.' I whispered so the sound was swallowed by the sounds from without.
'The tests at Base....' Joe begins,
'The specific ones being?' I carefully ease myself into an upright sitting position.
'All of them Jared.'
'What of that?'
'Don't be deliberately obtuse.'
'I'm not. Obtuse; is when you don't see what's there in front of you. And then go on to trip right over something small, which is clearly in plain view.'
'So what are you being?'
'Evasive.' somewhere at the back of mind something clicked as if a small light has just illuminated. It's an indicator for that rarely used bit of my mind. The bit that is bizarrely upbeat, completely open, chatty and likes to laugh because I feel happy. Joe is just staring intently. I feel a sudden desire to laugh. But it's like: when you're a kid and you absolutely know you mustn't.
'The tests we all took,' Joe said patiently, 'which of them do you think you would have passed last week?'
I don't feel like laughing now. I really can't think of anything to say. I took the card from the top of the pile. The tests were thorough and quite intrusive in a way. I had been glad of the more trusting approach that the Sandglass group were taking. But I just wasn't sure if they should have trusted me. I don't feel so innocent anymore. This was the beginning of the test for me. I laughed slightly nervously. A test on how to answer a test! I turned the card over. There she was: The Queen of Hearts, smiling like the Mona Lisa. She follows her heart. She's not a spade....
'Jared!'
'What?!' my eyes slide back into focus. Joe has that look that he had when Adam cut his wrist on the sharp edge of one of the core samplers.
'Jared.... You are my main concern at the moment. I'll be honest; as honest as I can be. At this exact moment, the only tests you would pass would be the cognitive functions and reaction time tests. I know that if I asked you to, you could work out the current weight of this transport; and tell me what percentage of it was rescue equipment and food cases.... but that can't cover up the things you can’t pass just for now. I'm sorry....'
'Yes, of course....' I said slowly. The Queen of Hearts. She smiled at me as if to say: let's just keep it all to ourselves. I knew.... well of course I knew objectively what was unravelling my mind. To recognise one's own brokenness; that fracture line that runs through everything, doesn't make it easier - rather it adds to the fear that you will be a spectator of your own destruction, powerless to stop the precious fragment of who you are from slipping from your hand and breaking on the ground. I am numb with weakness - on the inside. I have forgotten how to feel. I made them all angry: Friends, family; fellow students when I was at Uni. They hide it with their embarrassed laughter, and their crass jokes.
Joe hasn’t gone, he’s still here. He has more patience when it is required than almost anyone else. I know that Joe wants to help me; that he cares, so I decide for once to be compliant and see if that does make anything easier.
I hold out my hands in supplication, ‘Help Me Joe…. tell me what you think will help me…. please….’
‘I will give you something to help you sleep tonight for starters….’ He holds out his hand.
‘Oh! Yes…’ I hand back the red queen; Joe tucks her back in the pack again; ‘Anything else?’
‘No excessive physical strain; you always wear yourself out on these jollies…’
‘And?’ I’m trying to sound calm and reasonable as if discussing the weather back at home within the confines of a comfy chair.
‘You eat at least twice a day; breakfast and dinner; no skipping.’ Joe still has a question in his eyes; ‘Do you think you will do that?’ an inoffensive question.
‘I think so. But aren’t you going to tell me to lay off the fags?’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘You are clearly not a social smoker….so that wouldn’t change anything much. It’s better that way.’
‘Oh? How?’
‘A barometer. It’s a “keep away” signal.’
‘Low tech messaging service.’ I find myself giggling in a daft way.
‘And if you want a break when driving, then tell someone.’
‘Yes Mother.’
Joe just smiled then got up to find out how many people had grazed their knuckles; or bruised some other part of their anatomy putting up the main dome and sleeping areas. I saw that a violent yellow-red sunset was spilling through the gap in the trees. Some were evergreen, but mostly it was thick deciduous and tangled bushes and weeds. I just sat there in the back of our vehicle and watched the light shift and change. There was a gradual trickle of equipment, as the team came in to take some of the heavy cases that had been stacked up just outside for the kitchen area.
Since I had been banned by Joe, Marcia and Oliver from helping make camp, I thought it would be a good idea to ask to help do puddings. We always take our puddings seriously. I mean if you can’t dig in to treacle sponge and custard with enthusiasm what else is left?
I walked around the table passing bowls to the assembled company. Adam looked at me with surprise as if he had forgotten the incident with the burnt custard. It had been about the third expedition…the one before Davey and Pete joined us. That day at End Base. Adam winked at me and smirked. Okay; so he hadn’t forgotten after all! I found my place and sat down. It was dark now and we all relaxed into our languid, post dinner chatter. Davey and Oliver were talking about war time aeroplanes; I saw Janey was looking bored. She stared vacantly somewhere above my left shoulder. Marcia and James were talking so quickly and technically about something work related at the restaurant that I really wasn’t able to follow what they were saying. Joe shuffled the cards and Adam, stuffing the last bit of sponge in his mouth said ‘I’ll play!’ Joe pointed the pack at me. ‘No thanks.’ I said, and leaned on one elbow. I was content with the moment. Daydreaming I think. After a few minutes I got up and wandered into the kitchen area. Coffee. Good…. Now where’s the strong stuff…. sachet must be in here somewhere.
I was rummaging in the box when Janey came in.
‘Find it?’ she said.
‘In a minute.’ I said without looking up.
‘Do you have some tea in there?’
‘No…. it’s in the other box….’ I turned. She was kneeling next t
o me; ‘Whoh! Janey! Don’t do that!’
‘Sorry…. I didn’t mean to make you jump.’
‘That’s okay…. I mean, it’s alright.’
‘Jared?’
‘Yes.’ I found the right one and stood up.
‘Would you like to get some air?’
‘Yes…. I guess I would.’ I put the packet down. Janey was already unfastening the exit from the kitchen to outside.
‘Here. Let me help you with that.’ I quickly slipped the knot apart.
‘Thanks Jared.’ She is smiling, ‘Come.’ She took my hand and led me out of the tent.
‘Well…. would you look at that…!’ I gazed above the tree tops. There were constellations I did not remember. Crusted jewels in a black sky. No town or city lights blocking their splendour. Galaxies and planets, stars and the cosmic dust of all worlds sparkling above our heads. I felt then my heart lift. It was not all for nothing. There was a reason. There was something more…. something beyond. Janey too, was looking up entranced; so still, so calm. ‘What must I be Lord?’ I whispered; almost as if it was a thought spoken out loud.
‘It must be very early.’ Janey murmured.
‘Early?’
‘In history.’ said Janey turning to me. She is still holding my hand. Suddenly, I become intensely aware of her attention, if only when incidentally focused on me. She seems wistful.
‘Janey?’
‘Yes.’
‘Would you like to walk a little way?’
Her brows draw together in puzzlement; ‘Okay....’ she said after a moment.
We cross the little area in front of the tent and follow the path back to the area above the steep slope. She breaks her hand out of mine and goes to inspect the big rock that I didn’t crunch into.
‘Good driving.’ She said.
‘Thanks.’ I step closer to her. Her hair is shining by the light of a moon just rising. She glances up and me and seems surprized by my proximity.
‘What is it?’ she’s worried.
‘It’s alright.’ I say softly, reaching out and touching her cheek. She flinches for and moment and blinks. She stares at me as if to work out what is my intention. I’m wildly screaming somewhere inside my head; but calm on the outside. Some fire. Some burning like the stars above. Cold fire.
She steps back; ‘I think we should go in now.’ she said.
‘I’ll be here.’ I turn from her then. She can go back if she wants. I like the stars and the burning light that boils the humanity of the cloud fields into little fragments like cold glass. The whole forest has a certain dark green smell to it. I was dissolving into the night again. A night breeze brushes through the leaves and passes me by.
‘Jared?’
‘Janey?’
‘I am still here.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I want to be…. I love you Jared.’
‘Don’t Janey…. please, don’t say that.’
‘Why? It’s true. What do you mean?’
‘I can’t…. I can’t bear it. Not right now.’ I find a rock and sit on it.
‘What is the matter?’ she comes to sit with me, hesitant but curious.
‘I love you too.’ I said in a flat tone.
‘Oh.’ She looks out across the landscape. ‘Oh….’ She turns back to me.
‘I wish,’ I said roughly, ‘I wish I wasn’t….’
‘What?’ Janey squeezes my arm.
A suddenly turn and grip both her arms firmly. She is so startled she doesn’t fight me; ‘Don’t you see? You silly little girl! Don’t you understand? I wish…. I wish I….’ I can’t speak. I am choked by this fate that condemns me to the worst kind of love.
I let go of her; ‘I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry,’ I am crying, for the first time in front of Janey since that little boy I used to be. She hasn’t seen me like this. I have been so cold. No wonder it twists out of shape. I am a dark hole in her existence; the negative; to her positive. She is daylight and I am night; Darkness.
‘Jared!’ Janey hugs me tightly, ‘I am here. I won’t reject you…. I promise.’ She sounded scared and desperate. I don’t want to hurt her. I realise I am hurting her. It floods out of me. I want to be normal. I want to be the sane sweet person that can be the twin brother of such a sweet lovely girl. She is so much better than me. She is at least expressive. You see her rant and rave, and then you can see her concentrating and authoritative, bossy and forthright. She is best when she is joyful; when her eyes sparkle and she walks with a spring in her step.
‘Janey…. don’t come near me.’ I can feel a stone weighting my chest as I speak, ‘keep your distance. We are bad for each other…. or rather; I am bad for you.’
‘Jared….no…’
‘Go Janey. Go back inside. You go to our friends. Say I’ll be in in ten minutes.’
‘You are only like this because you’re stressed.’ Her voice is soft, reasonable and kind.
‘No. Go inside Janey. Go inside.’
‘I’ll fetch someone.’ She hands me a hanky.
‘Don’t do that. Please.’
‘Okay…’ she stands up but doesn’t move away.
There is a silence like a knife scoring a line between us.
‘It’s time to grow up, little sister.’ I said thickly, ‘we are not children anymore. No more games…. please Janey. No more teasing. You don’t remember anything now. But you will. Yes. You will. And this is the truth of us. You knew, back then, and I had forgotten. But it is always the way of it.’
‘I…. I am trapped.’ She said, ‘You are too…. I think? It’s the same as before… a little the same. Isn’t it? But it’s different. Do we choose who forgets this time?’
‘What do you mean?’ I look directly at her, my eyes still swimming. I blink twice. She’s sort of in focus.
‘We choose….’ She said slowly, ‘who forgets…. Huh? Where did that come from?’
‘This is the point where it crosses,’ I said, ‘This is the point….’ Suddenly I know why what happened; did happen. Janey worked out how to beat the system. She saw how we could jump the tracks on our reality. We; Us; here are people with a connection that could not be erased. The only way out was to die. But was it?
I look at her…. suddenly still; an eerie calm descends on me. What can I tell her? But I find I don’t need to.’
‘What kind of man are you Jared?’ she says.
Key. Trigger. I hear it. And I know what they have done. What they have done to Janey; and to Me. The subject must be compliant. The subject must relax and take a deep breath…. The subject will listen to the voice. The words. The same words. You know her voice. You know…. Her…. Voice.
I go slack and slump on the rock. I look at her; the dominoes tumbling. There is no way of stopping it. We can destroy the others. We can end the experiment. We can win! No, no, no! I can hear my mind screaming on and on. We are the ones…. a suggestion planted so deep; ….so deep; so very deep. It was planted by the one person who you would never suspect: Yourself.
It works like this. They record all the things that you say. And words can be carefully picked out of the track and edited together. Then you have the perfect way to brainwash someone. And you wouldn’t even know it was being done. Because there is nothing alien about one’s own voice. But what if you tried the same thing on two siblings? How would that work? What about siblings who had a special connection. People who by their very nature make it very difficult to resist anything that each other are saying. They have confounded us and tricked us. Yet somehow we are still who we are, even deeper down beyond the layers of meaning. There is a deeper magic that makes our elegant solution to the problem of the conditioning; a certain provocation to anyone else: If they knew. But they don’t. We have returned one deception with another. It was the only way to defeat the conditioning. You have to do something that is so shocking that it literally derails the train of thought you are on.
Janey sat cross legged on the ground then; her hands over he
r face. I slide down of the rock onto this little patch of still damp grass. A moonlit scene that is stark and ominous.
‘We perhaps could walk a little.’ she said.
‘Yes.’ I took her hand and led her away from the tent, from the friends who we both love so well. We are the traitors in our midst. And tomorrow we will have forgotten completely. One of us will recall a lingering trace of tonight and then we will carry on being strange and awkward. Janey and My Bad Moods will take turns around the central point of this experiment’s circle. We are dodging the bullet of something that is morally irreducible; by means of another thing that is not quite, but almost as wrong.
*****
Eight
No one told me that I would want to do the right thing so badly.... I'm in a dream, and I'm running away. There is someone speaking and I want to get away. I don't want to listen. This time I want to keep some grasp on my reality. I’d rather know. "Forget; forget.... Those voices blended tell me. But I remember this, a small thing, like Cinderella’s shoe. It is a scent of something resinous. It is like old orchestras and big halls. An old smell, aged into the dusty corridors of the place they took us. The conditioning was so complete I am blind to the place, wiped clean: what little I did see. But this I cannot erase. I smell it in my dream and I'm running through constructed corridors that my imagination joins to the outside world. And that is a real place. Then I'm waiting in a queue at a café to buy a drink and sit down. My mouth tastes strange too, like.... Then I'm drinking the tea, and I see....
'Tea! Jared!'
'Huh?' I crack open an eye to see Oliver disappear from the sleeping pod. Steam curls in the morning light that is penetrating our high-tech canvas type material. For once I actually wish I was in one of the shared sleeping pods. A bit of daft banter might help. But then again; I hear a loud clatter and raucous laughter from the main area. Somewhere out there people are happy. It's a bright morning. I resolve to face the day cheerfully. So I slip from the cocoon and start to dress myself.
Half an hour later, I'm standing on a big flat topped boulder, with a pair of binoculars. It's just over three days since the scary encounter with the vertical road. I'm feeling a lot better. It really freaked me out. Not at the time but the next day I felt all wobbly and weird. That dissolved into what for us could be described as "normal"; the rhythm of the days that balanced comfort with strenuous activity. It is day seven; and we are about to enter a narrow valley. There is another road, but it looks dangerous. Oliver comes to join me on the boulder.