16 Blood Noir ab-16

by Laurell K. Hamilton

  His hand on my jaw was painful, just this side of breaking bones. I kept my eyes closed, but even through closed lids I could feel the press of his gaze.

  Look at me!

  No, I said.

  Jason said, This is the first time youve felt the ardeur yourself, Richard. Youre power-drunk.

  Anita, look at me!

  No!

  He kissed me then, and it didnt matter that I didnt look at him. For the ardeur, a kiss was as good as a glance. Maybe better.

  He kissed me, and all the lies flowed over my anger, cooled the rage, and filled me with a sweet certainty that nothing could ever hurt me while I was in Richards arms.

  51

  O NE MINUTE, I was safe; the fear, the anger, all of it fell away. It was as if Richards arms, his mouth, his body were food, drink, air, and every good thing all rolled into one person.

  The next minute, I was drowning. The kiss that had been like air, sweet and pure, was suffocating me. The arms that had felt so safe were a trap from which I had to break free.

  I went from melting into his body to fighting with everything I had to get away.

  Richard fought to keep kissing me, holding me. But there were other hands on my shoulders, helping me fight. Not by fighting Richard, but helping my mind, me, fight. Richards hand went to my hair and tried to keep my face pressed to the kiss, but another hand was there, another arm, helping pull me away, another body pulling me backward.

  Jasons fear washed over me with his touch. Fear of what Richard was doing. Not just fear of Richards new vampire powers, but fear of how I felt in his kiss. Fear of the drowning, perfect obsession of love.

  Jason felt my emotions, felt what Richard made me feel, and I felt Jasons terror of what he said he wanted. Terror of being consumed by one person. Fear of belonging to just one person. Jason said that his hearts desire was this, but he lied to himself. In one suffocating, drowning, hand-filled moment he and I both knew he did not want it. The thought of only one person forever made his blood run cold.

  I was caught between the two of them. Two men strong enough to rip me apart, literally. It was like being a baseball bat in that childhood ritual where you try to be the hand on top of the wood. Except this bat was helping break free of one set of hands. I pushed at Richard, fought his grip, until more of me was cradled in Jasons arms, and only one hand was left digging into my upper arm.

  Jason and I were on the floor, with his back against the side of the bathroom doorjamb. He held me as close as he could, even his legs wrapped around my waist from behind. I could feel his heart thudding against my back, taste his fear like something metal on my tongue. I didnt have to be able to see his face over my shoulder to know his blue eyes were wide, his lips parted, and his skin pale.

  Richard was on his knees, staring down at us. His eyes had bled back to his normal brown. I can feel how afraid you both are of me.

  You tried to mind-fuck me, Richard. You tried to take my choices away.

  I want you to want only me, Anita. I want it so badly that it drives me mad sometimes. I hate the thought of you with other men.

  I wisely kept my mouth shut, because I knew that he enjoyed watching me with Jean-Claude, sometimes. He liked sharing with Jean-Claude, sometimes. But, as with much of Richards inner life, he didnt want to accept it. If Id asked him, he shared me with Jean-Claude because he had no choice. He did it rarely, because he didnt like it. Right? Not necessarily. I thought he did it so rarely because he was afraid that he did like it.

  Youre hurting my arm, Richard.

  He looked at where his fingers had made imprints in my skin, as if he didnt remember he was doing it. He let go, and sat back on his heels, still kneeling. He looked puzzled.

  I didnt mean to hurt you, he said.

  I know, I said.

  Jason just kept holding me, while his pulse started to slow.

  If Jason hadnt interfered, you would have done anything I wanted. But I believed it, too, Anita. I believed in that happily-ever-after moment again. I thought marriage and kids and

  I felt you think it, I said.

  But you thought it, too. He looked at my face, and he was so sincere, so full of his truth.

  You made me think it, but it was your thought, not mine. I wont apologize for that anymore, Richard. You got your first taste of your own version of the ardeur and you would have used it every bit as ruthlessly as youve ever accused any vampire.

  Thats not fair, he said.

  I felt what you were doing to her, Richard. You took away her free will, and filled her up with this false happiness, Jason said.

  Its not false.

  Its not her version of happiness, Richard, its yours.

  You have no business interfering between your Ulfric and his lupa.

  Maybe not, but I couldnt stand there and feel what you were doing to her. Anita asked me to help her, and I had to do it.

  I touched his arms where they were still wrapped around me. What do you mean, had to, Jason?

  Youre my friend, and the main squeeze of my best friend. I couldnt let him rape you like that.

  That is not what I was doing, Richard said.

  By definition of the law, using magic or psychic ability that takes away someones choice is rape. Jason said it, but Id thought it.

  I felt Jason go quiet around me, and I think I did the same thing in his arms. Did you just say out loud what I was thinking? I asked.

  Did I?

  I think you did, Richard said. He leaned in toward us, sniffing the air. I still found it a little unsettling when my lycanthrope friends did very animal things in human form.

  Jason drew us back, as if his back could push through the wall and gain us distance. What are you trying to smell? he asked.

  Richard was on all fours now, sort of looming over us, with his hair falling in thick waves around his face, so I really couldnt see his expression. I think Jason could. Jean-Claude could have broken her free of me. Maybe even Micah or Nathaniel, because they have their metaphysical tie to her. Damian could have shared his coldness, his control, and drowned me out. He is her vampire servant. Richard leaned past me, nearly pressing his chest against my face, so he could sniff Jasons face over my shoulder. But youre just food. Youre Jean-Claudes pomme de sang, but youre nothing special to Anita.

  It was a little hard to speak firmly while being wrapped arm and leg by one man, and nearly kissing the chest of another, but I did my best. Hes my friend.

  I heard Richard take in a huge, noisy breath. He jerked back, as if something had hurt. Hes more than that now, he whispered.

  What are you talking about? I asked.

  Cant you feel it, Anita? Hes your wolf to call.

  Jason tensed against me, and I said, What?

  Before, he smelled of pack; now he also smells of you. The same way that Nathaniel does, or Micah.

  I live with them; of course, we start to have a family smell.

  Richard shook his head. No, Anita, never try to argue sense of smell with a werewolf. Its as if a little piece of you rides around in their skin. Micah always smelled that way, but Nathanielhis scent changed. Damians scent changed. Now, Jason smells like he has your touch like a perfume against his skin.

  Im holding her, Richard, thats what youre smelling, Jason said.

  Richard shook his head again. No, Jason, I know the difference between proximity smells and changed smells.

  I couldnt have made him my wolf to call, Richard. Id remember doing it.

  You dont remember most of the last two days, Anita.

  I thought about it, tried to argue it wasnt so, but a hard, cold lump started forming in my stomach. The moment my stomach started reacting, I knew the truth. I tried to push past the fear and use my own abilities to test the theory, but I was too panicked. Had I bound Jason to me like that and didnt even remember doing it? And if Id done that without remembering, what else had I done? What else had all of us done? Shit, shit, shit.

  I remember it was dark, Jason said, a
nd you called me. I remember trotting through these tall trees that Id never seen. I thought it was a dream.

  Thats what I see inside my head now, since Marmee Noir fucked me over. Tall trees and shadows and darkness.

  You called me, not this me, but my wolf. You called me.

  I hugged his arms. Im sorry, Jason, Im so sorry. I did to you what you just saved me from.

  Being able to call him as your wolf is probably what broke you free of Marmee, Richard said.

  I looked up at him. What do you mean?

  She controls cats, including tigers, but not wolves. Why didnt she just keep you, if shed mind-rolled you that completely, Anita? Maybe because when you called a wolf to you, she couldnt fight you both.

  Shes the night made flesh, Richard; trust me, Jason and I arent powerful enough together to kick her out of anything.

  Thanks a lot, Jason said.

  I patted his arm. You know what I mean, I said.

  The connection between a vampire and their animal to call is more than just the strength of the two. It doesnt just double your power, it makes both of them more than just the sum of their parts, Anita. Its like He seemed to grope for the right word, and finally settled for, Trust me, Anita, both the vampire and the wereanimal gain a lot more than just combined powers.

  Is that how it is with you and Jean-Claude? I asked.

  He nodded.

  So if Anita hadnt bound me to her, then we might still be trapped by the Mother of All Darkness? Jason asked.

  One of the reasons Jean-Claude sent me was to use wolf to break Anita free, but youd already done it.

  But Im compelled to touch Micah and Nathaniel, and you. Jason and I like each other, but it hasnt changed since we woke up. I turned in Jasons grip and tried to see his face as I asked, Has it changed for you?

  No, he said. I might have been disappointed before I felt Richards version of the ardeur. Now Im just grateful.

  You have a lot more control over your powers now, Anita. A lot more than when the ardeur first rose, or when you marked Damian and Nathaniel. I mean, we didnt even know you could do that, then.

  I nodded. It made sense, sort of. So I can make people my beast to call, without being compelled to move in with them?

  I think so.

  That actually made me feel better. Good that something did.

  He stood up. Im going to get Jamil and Shang-Da, and fly back to St. Louis.

  Anita needs you here, Jason said, its why Jean-Claude sent you.

  She has a wolf that shes metaphysically tied to in you. He held up a hand. Im not jealous; okay, I am, but not like your face says, Anita. The ardeur has risen for me for the first time. I need to get home to Jean-Claude before it happens again. Were just lucky that my version is narrowly focused.

  You mean just on Anita, Jason said.

  Richard frowned at him.

  I patted Jasons leg, trying to tell him not to help too much. It may not be that narrow a focus, Richard. Id be careful around any woman youve had serious thoughts about. Not just sex, but marriage.

  Im not

  Please, Richard, you want to be married. Its been my experience that when someone wants to be married that badly, they find someone.

  I want it to be you, he said.

  I sighed. I know, but thats not what I want.

  Are you really serious that youll never marry?

  I looked up at him. If you mean monogamy and till death do you part, then no.

  Someone will come along, Anita. Hell sweep you off your feet, and youll want what I want, just not with me.

  I think Anita is like me, Richard, Jason said. I think she likes to keep her options open.

  Richard shook his head. Ive got to get out of here.

  Richard, I said.

  No, Anita, if Jason hadnt interfered I would have done exactly what you accused me of. Hell, if wed been in Vegas, I could have talked you into marriage. I can still taste how compliant you were. Ive never felt you so willing, soweak. He shook his head, and took a step back from us. I dont trust myself not to try again. Thats the truth, and I need to get farther away from you until its not the truth.

  Id have liked to argue, but couldnt. He went to the door, then paused with his hand on the knob. I love you, Anita.

  In that moment, still wrapped in Jasons body, I said the only truth I was sure of. I know.

  He nodded, opened the door, and went out. Jamil and Shang-Da would do what their Ulfric told them to do. It was back to being just us again, but now it was just us and the most powerful vampire on the planet hunting me. Somehow I wanted more help.

  Again, it was as if Jason read my mind. We need more help.

  I cuddled in against his body, and he hugged me with arms and legs, and for once it wasnt sexual in the least; it was more like two scared kids huddling in the dark when they knew the monster under the bed wasnt just real, but was holding a grudge.

  52

  W E SAT THERE for a few minutes after the door closed. Jason was still wrapped around me, and I leaned back against him. He leaned his head against the side of my face. It was as if both of us let out a long breath wed been holding. I should have felt worse that Richard had left, but after that momentary fear, I felt bettercalmer, at least.

  Why do I feel calmer? I said.

  Because Im not afraid of getting my ass kicked by my Ulfric for being another wolf whos metaphysically tied to his lupa. He could have taken it like you were cheating on him with me. He outweighs me by more than fifty pounds, Anita. Most of thats muscle.

  I snuggled against him, stroking his bare legs where they were still wrapped around my waist. Yeah, neither of us would win if it came to a fair fight with Richard.

  I felt him smile just by the movement of his lips against my temple. You think like a guy, Anita. Richard would never fight you the way he would fight me. Enjoy that part of being a girl.

  I ran my hands over the surprising smoothness of his legs, and realized that there were tiny, fine hairs on his legs. So blond, so delicate, that you couldnt really see them unless you touched them. I played my hands along those fine hairs, a gentle back-and-forth. Id found that touching helped me think lately. Micah said it was the beast in me. Maybe, or maybe I would have always been like this if Id let myself. It was a chicken/egg kind of question. I let it go, and just enjoyed that it helped me be calm.

  Ive spent most of my career having to fight bad guys who didnt give a shit that I was a girl, Jason. It changes how you look at things.

  If you say so, but if Richard hurts you physically, its by accident. If he hurts me, its on purpose.

  A lot of his anger was from me, literally. I think hell be a lot more reasonable now.

  Jason nuzzled his face against my hair. If that was your anger, then Im with Richard, you have amazing self-control.

  I laughed, an abrupt, not exactly happy sound. I know people who would argue I have no self-control at all.

  Theyre just jealous, he whispered.

  Hadnt I thought something like that earlier? I did not want or need another man tied to me metaphysically. I just seemed to keep collecting them. I didnt mean to.

  Lets get dressed, he said, kissing the side of my face and beginning to untangle himself from me.

  I laughed, and this time it was real. You suggesting we get dressed? Usually, having someone be my animal to call makes the physical stuff more compelling, not less. I turned in time to catch his grin, as he stood fastening the towel more securely around his waist.

  I promised my dad that wed see him yesterday. I dont know what excuse I can give him, but I want to see him.

  You seem I didnt know what word to use.

  I feeland he seemed to search for a word, toomore solid. He grinned down at me. You are one of the most certain people I know; maybe thats what Im getting from you. Oh, God, me with actual ambition and goals. Too weird.

  You have goals, I said, kneeling.

  He shook his head. No, Anita, I float. I went to college because youre supp
osed to. Once my folks wouldnt let me major in drama, college didnt really matter to me. Then I met Raina, and she showed me the kinkiest sex Id ever imagined, and she made me a werewolf. I said yes, because she was beautiful and insatiable. Not because I wanted to be a werewolf. I worked at Guilty Pleasures because it pissed my family off and helped me have some money of my own. I didnt say as a little boy, I want to grow up to be an exotic dancer. His face fell into serious lines, so rare for Jason. I let Jean-Claude feed on me the first time because Raina gave me to him. Giving him donors from the pack was part of the bargain between Jean-Claude and the wolves.

  That I had known, because it was how Richard ended up with Jean-Claude, though he had refused him blood. You can give a vampire a werewolf, but you cant make the werewolf cooperative. I knew that part, I said.

  I think part of the appeal to being Jean-Claudes pomme de sang was that it would bother my dad so much. He smiled, quick and so him. Besides, Jean-Claude is sooo hot.

  I frowned at him. You are not as bisexual as you pretend to be.

  He grinned at me. And how do you know?

  I frowned harder. I think Jean-Claude is an exception to your rule, just like Belle Morte is And then I stopped. I hadnt meant to say that.

  Jason gave me a look. Are you telling me that you did Belle Morte?

  I started concentrating on picking up the trash that wed knocked onto the floor when the trash can fell over. It was a vision. She shared enough energy with me to keep Jean-Claude and Richard from dying when theand I had to stop myself from saying Harlequin, and finished withthe scary guys with no name came to town.

  Jason knelt with me and helped me pick things up and drop them in the small container. The bedside trash cans are always too small in hotels.

  But, that you mentioned it out loud means something.

  I shook my head. I know that Jean-Claude loves her still. I know that to once love Belle Morte is to always love her. Its like an addiction; you can stop taking your drug of choice, but youll always crave it.