Your Truth is Out There (Find Your Truth Book 1)

by David Allen Kimmel

  “I promise you, General, we will get her back safely,” he said.

  “Thank you, Gsefx, I appreciate it, but it’s not necessary …”

  “General, there’s no time for discussion. Henry, go and get Qilzar and Theo. We’ll connect the vehicles and make ready to go. Quickly now, we’ve no time to waste.”

  Chapter 63

  I’ve Made a Mess of Things

  In the back of his mind, it had always been one of Alcorn’s greatest fears that someone would endanger his family, and then attempt to use them to compromise his position. His fear of this happening increased proportionately with his climb up through the ranks. His only miscalculation was in assuming the coward behind such an act would actually be from somewhere on planet Earth.

  Janny.

  She had always been his greatest strength. Whenever he needed someone to turn to, to lean on, or more often than not, someone to stand up to him and tell him when he was wrong, she was the one who was always there for him. She was the strength behind the four stars on his shoulders.

  Now, in this critical moment, he would not allow her to become his weakness—for her sake, not for his. She would never be able to bear it, knowing that she caused his downfall, even if it were beyond her control, as it was now. No, for her sake, he couldn’t relent, nor let his guard down, not even for a second. But there was someone else to think about. He and Janny weren’t the only family members involved.

  “General, may I have a word with you?” It was Lhvunsa. He was so deep in his thoughts he hadn’t heard her approach.

  “Of course,” he said, as she took the seat next to him. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Reconciliation, General, reconciliation between you and your son.”

  Alcorn looked at Lhvunsa, then looked away.

  “Yeah, after what you said back at Ricnor’s headquarters, I kinda thought that might be the case. You wanna hear something funny? I’ve been thinking about it too.”

  “That’s wonderful,” said Lhvunsa. “So you’ll talk to Theo, then?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Alcorn sighed. It was the sigh of a man carrying a heavy load, one he’d carried for far too long a time, but couldn’t yet put down. He looked back at Lhvunsa, even though the sight of her expectations pained him even more.

  “There’s too much you don’t understand, Lhvunsa. I’ve caused too much pain and resentment in Theo for one conversation to magically make it all better.”

  “You’re wrong about that General,” said the green-skinned beauty. “I may not understand everything, but I do know that much.”

  Alcorn shook his head.

  “You may be right, but even so, it wouldn’t matter. Janny’s kidnapping is my fault. Whether it was Ricnor or someone on Earth, it was bound to happen at some point and when it did, it was always going to be my fault. But that’s not the worst of it. What I have to do next is something Theo will never forgive me for. It’s better he think badly of me now, then to think well of me, possibly even forgive me, and then have it all ripped away.”

  Lhvunsa nodded her head slowly, then without a word, stood up and started to walk away. Alcorn turned back to his thoughts and didn’t notice when she turned right back around and was now standing right next to him. She bent over and spoke into his ear in a voice as soft as it was scornful.

  “You may be right about some things, General,” she said, “but here’s something you don’t know. Something you can’t know, and that’s what it feels like to have Ricnor squeezing you so tight with one arm that you can barely breathe, while he’s holding that spike of his at your throat with the other. All the while, using you to threaten the people you love into doing things they otherwise wouldn’t even consider. That’s what your Janny is feeling right now, General. That’s what I know.”

  Alcorn turned around to look at the striking female, whose face was inches from his own. Her face a frozen glare, daring him to challenge her. Physically, she looked nothing like the woman he loved, but he clearly recognized his wife in the scolding he’d just received. He also recognized when he was on the wrong side of a losing argument.

  “Oh for love of God,” he said, “sit down before you make a scene and Theo sees you.”

  “If you think that’s making a scene,” said Lhvunsa, “you have no idea what I’m capable of, General.”

  “Of that, I have no doubt,” said Alcorn, his face a full-on frown. He looked away for a moment, then turned back to Lhvunsa, this time examining her much more closely, as if he were trying to analyze her right down to her DNA.

  “What in the galaxy are you looking at?” she asked, even more irritation in her voice.

  “I’m trying to figure out whether or not you’re really a non-terrestrial,” said Alcorn, “because you sound an awful lot like a certain Earth woman I’m married to.”

  Lhvunsa didn’t flinch, nor even hesitate.

  “I don’t care what you think of me, General, nor do I care about all that has gone on between you and Theo. What I do care about is what your wife is going to see and feel when we show up to face Ricnor. Will she see a father and son divided or united? As someone who has been where she is now, I promise you, it will make all the difference.” She stood up, as if to leave, but looked at him with eyes that pierced straight into his soul. “Now, go and talk to your son.”

  “Is that an order, ma’am?”

  “General, I’m not sure whether or not you noticed just how good my English is …”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, I have,” said Alcorn. “But what does that have to do with anything?”

  “In order to properly speak a language, one must understand the culture in which it’s spoken. To that end, I’ve studied your culture as well as your language, and in so doing, I found that when a woman gives a man a directive, such as I’ve just given you, there are only two words that are considered to be an acceptable answer.”

  “I’m all ears,” said the General.

  “I believe the response you’re looking for General, is ‘Yes, dear.’”

  Alcorn laughed out loud in spite of himself and the horrific situation he and his family were in.

  He stood up and bowed deeply to the lady with three arms and green skin who, despite their obvious physical differences, still, somehow, reminded him of his beloved Janny.

  “Yes, dear,” he said, with a smile.

  As Lhvunsa made her way back to her husband’s side, Alcorn straightened back up and watched, catching Gsefx watching him. Alcorn could feel the empathy radiating from the gaze of the being he’d given his allegiance to. Gsefx knew what he was going through because he’d experienced it himself. Alcorn silently nodded his acknowledgement, then turned to find his son.

  Theo was as far back in the corner of the ship as you could get, hunched over with his back to everyone. Alcorn didn't acknowledge Henry and Qilzar as he made his way past them, but instead kept his gaze focused straight ahead. He overheard Henry, who was now wearing the translator, tell the Dremin that the General and his son needed some privacy. Apparently the gulf between he and Theo was more obvious than he thought. Even so, he was grateful to Henry for the consideration.

  He stood and looked at Theo for a minute, his heart beating so fast he felt it might explode from his chest at any moment. A part of him hoped it would and save him from what he knew he had to do. Knowing all too well that’s not how life worked, he finally moved forward and sat down next to his son. There was no acknowledgement. No sign that Theo even knew he was there.

  “Theo?” said Alcorn, putting his hand on his son’s shoulder.

  “Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll pull myself together and be the good soldier you want me to be by the time we get there.”

  Dear God, thought Alcorn, what have I done to my child?

  “No, Theo,” he said, pulling his hand back as if he’d been bitten, “that’s not what I came to say.” He took a deep breath and then let it out. “It’s not at all what I came to say.”

/>   “Then say whatever it is you have to say and get it over with.”

  Alcorn looked again at his son, suddenly unable to speak. The words he’d prepared had all left his mind. There was nothing he could say that would make things right. He wished with everything in him that he was somewhere else.

  “Well,” said Theo, “are you going to say anything, or just give me that dumb stare of yours? Because, honestly Dad, if that’s all you’ve got, then I’d just as soon you leave now.”

  Alcorn stood up and started to walk away. It’s better this way, he told himself. It’s what he always told himself.

  “Yep, that’s what I thought,” said Theo, the scorn in his voice unmistakable.

  Alcorn stopped. What am I doing? Right or wrong, good or bad, this boy needs to hear the truth. For his own sake, he needs to know. He turned back to his son.

  “Theo, I’d like to tell you that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. That all of this is my fault. I’d like to ask if there’s any way that you could forgive me. But, true as all of it may be, that’s too simple, too much of a trivialization of everything that’s happened between us, and I won’t insult you by going there.”

  Theo remained hunched over and silent. Alcorn stepped back over to the seat next to his son and sat down.

  “So what I will tell you is this, a story I don’t think I’ve ever had the guts to tell you. We all have certain memories burned into our brains, certain events, both good and bad, that we will never, ever forget. My greatest memory, the best moment of my life, is the moment you were born and holding you in my arms, realizing you were my son and just how much I loved you.”

  “I guess it’s pretty much been all downhill from there, hasn’t it, Dad?” Theo emphasized the ‘Dad,’ twisting the dagger just a little deeper.

  He’s not going to make this easy, thought Alcorn. That’s okay, I don’t deserve easy.

  “I’ve been disappointing you ever since,” said Theo.

  “I’ll agree that it’s been downhill with us, all right,” said Alcorn, “but not because of anything you’ve done. Contrary to what I’ve led you to believe, Theo, you’ve never disappointed me. I’m the one who’s been a disappointment.”

  Theo looked up finally.

  “You sure could’ve fooled me.”

  He started to get up.

  “Theo, don’t go. Please? I know I don’t deserve it, but please let me finish before you give up on me completely. After that, if you never speak to me again, I promise I’ll understand and I won’t bother you again.”

  Theo sat back down.

  “I’ll listen,” he said, “but no matter what you say, if anything happens to Mom, we’re through.”

  Alcorn nodded his understanding, but couldn’t speak for the lump in his throat. If anything happened to Janny, he wasn’t sure he could bear losing Theo too. But that would have to wait for now.

  “As I was saying,” he said, when he regained his composure, “as much as I tried in the beginning to make it about you, to get you to be more like me and less like your mother, the more I realized it was my own insecurities rather than anything you’d done. Theo, you were a child for God’s sake, how could it have been your fault?”

  “You sure made me feel like it was my fault. I always seemed to fall short of your expectations somehow.”

  Alcorn’s heart was breaking, because he knew it was true.

  “I know,” he choked out, tears falling down his cheek. “For that I’ll be never stop being ashamed.”

  Theo wasn’t finished, he was on a roll now and wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass him by.

  “But then after a while, as if being disappointed in me wasn’t enough, you decided to simply ignore me, like I wasn’t even worth your time.”

  No! Alcorn wanted to say. No, that’s not why I did what I did! But he couldn’t speak, not even a word, for he was openly crying now, the guilt and shame from the pain he’d inflicted on his son was too much to bear. This wasn’t going at all as he’d planned.

  “Don’t expect any sympathy from me, old man. You don’t know how many times I cried myself to sleep because of you.”

  Theo stood up to walk away, but paused to look down at what Alcorn knew had to be a pathetic sight.

  “You know,” said Theo, “I was telling Lhvunsa just a bit ago that I wasn’t nearly as angry with you as I acted, that it had become more of a habit than anything. But once I heard what had happened to Mom, I realized that I was just kidding myself. She’s the only one who has ever truly loved and accepted me for who I am. You’ve certainly never cared much for me, at least you’ve never shown it, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, it’s how to return the feeling, or in your case, lack of feeling.”

  Alcorn grabbed at Theo’s hand.

  “Wait, Theo, wait.”

  “Why should I? Give me one good reason why I should give a damn whether you live or die or just fade away?”

  “Because you’re right,” said Alcorn standing up to face his son, not bothering to wipe the tears away. “You’re right to hate me. You’re right not to give a damn about whether I live or die, but you’re not right about the why, and that’s important—not to me, it’s important to you. And, it’s important to your mother. So please, just sit down and listen.”

  Theo’s glare seemed to diminish, but only by a degree or two. He was still hot and Alcorn knew he had every right to be, but he also knew that Theo had to understand the why behind the actions. Theo had to understand beyond the intellectual, that what Alcorn had done to him had nothing to do with anything Theo had or hadn’t done. He had to fully grasp that everything Alcorn did, all of the mistakes he had made, were all of his own doing, and not because of any flaws or shortcomings in Theo’s personality.

  He also needed Theo to know that no matter how badly he’d screwed up, it was out of incompetency, not indifference. He had to know, but not for Alcorn’s sake. He wasn’t seeking redemption, nor was he attempting to salvage a relationship that was broken beyond repair. He knew that ship had long since sailed. This was for Theo’s sake. His son had to truly understand his own value and worth or, successful as he may be, he would never escape the demons that haunted him. And Theo could never do that as long as he held on to his destructive bitterness toward dear ol’ Dad.

  “Okay Dad, tell me why that’s so damn important.”

  Alcorn noticed that Theo hadn’t sat back down. He nodded his head up and down slowly, trying to gather his thoughts.

  “Theo, do you remember when you were eight and I tried to take you and your friends to the zoo?”

  “When something leaves that deep of a scar, it’s kind of hard to forget,” said Theo.

  “Do you remember other events that went similarly?”

  Theo looked at Alcorn.

  “That’s kinda the central theme of what we’re talking about here, isn’t it?” Anger and resentment dripping from every word.

  “Yes, but think about it, Theo. You said a minute ago, that when you stopped disappointing me, I simply ignored you and walked away. But, if you think about that trip to the zoo and the other disasters, you might remember that I tried. You may not have been able to see it at the time, but I was trying to figure out how to be in your life without hurting you.”

  “Don’t try and justify yourself to me, now, after all these years. You don’t get to do that.”

  “I’m not justifying myself, Theo. I know you and I are broken. I get that, but just stop and listen to me for a minute. I didn’t just turn my back on you. I tried to be a part of your life, but I didn’t know how. Theo, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine. At first, I tried to change you, and it was wrong. When I realized what I was doing and how wrong it was, I tried to figure out how to be in your life, without trying to change you, but all I did was make things worse. In the end, I couldn’t bear seeing how much I was hurting you, so I stepped back and just let your mother take over, hoping that she could fix what I’d broken. But, as we both kn
ow, that only made things worse.”

  Alcorn looked down at the floor and let out a deep sigh.

  “Son, I’ve made a mess of things, I know I have, but you have to know, for your own sake, that none of this was your fault; none of this was about you. It was about me being completely incompetent and not having the first clue what to do about it.”

  Theo didn't respond, but sat down silently, head bowed, next to his dad. Alcorn waited, giving his son as much time as he needed.

  “The great General Theodore Eustace Alcorn, incompetent,” said Theo, head still down. “I like the sound of that.”

  Theo looked over at him, the beginnings of a smile on his face, and Alcorn knew that, even though not everything was resolved between them, the bridge was not completely destroyed. There was hope, which was more than he had expected, and more than he deserved.

  “Yeah,” said Alcorn, “me too.”

  “So, now what?” said Theo. “You’re not gonna hug me or something corny like that are you?”

  “I don’t know, I’m the incompetent one, remember? Am I supposed to hug you?”

  “Let’s pass on that for now,” said Theo, “and figure out what we’re going to do about Mom.”

  “Works for me,” said Alcorn. He took a deep breath and looked away.

  Now we really come to it, he thought.

  “How much has your mother told you about her and me, and our working relationship?”

  “Not that much, just that sometimes she offers you advice on some of your missions.”

  Alcorn shook his head. “Yeah, she undersold that one, by quite a bit,” he said.

  Theo looked confused. “What’s that mean?”

  “The truth is, your mother actually holds the same security level I do, and has almost my entire career. She’s the reason I’ve been as successful as I have been. I doubt I would have made it past Captain if it weren’t for her. Your mother and I are partners and have been in everything we’ve ever done.”

  “Except in raising me,” said Theo.

  “Even partners have disagreements, Theo. Your mother has never stopped trying to get us together; trying to get me to overcome my incompetence, among other things. So, don’t blame her for any of the problems between us.”