by S. E. Lund
"You thought hiring Lexxi911 would accomplish the same thing?"
I nodded. "Yep. I didn’t trust myself alone with him. Honestly, I get angry just seeing his smug face."
"Violence is never the answer. Seriously. I know."
I examined her face. An expression of dismay crossed it. She'd only spoken briefly about her bad relationship. Her last boyfriend had been a control freak and that she felt she had to leave Portland because he was stalking her.
"Tell me more about Blaine."
She forced a smile. "I'd rather not. You know all you need to know about him. Let’s say I escaped with my life and leave it at that, okay?"
"Sounds serious. Did he hurt you?"
She lifted her shoulder. "Not really badly but he would have." She sighed audibly so I knew it would be better to drop it.
"Sorry to pry. Let's move on to more happy matters. Like how do you like your steak cooked? And please, don't tell me well done with ketchup."
I grinned at her and she smiled back. Her smile was so infectious that I couldn’t resist kissing her, and so I pulled her against me, my arms around her waist. She seemed a bit startled but leaned into my embrace, her arms slipping around my neck.
We kissed, our mouths meeting, the kiss tender at first, both of us smiling.
Soon, the kiss turned more intense and my smile faded. I was surprised at the intensity of my emotions when I kissed her. Arousal, yes. Desire, yes. But there was more.
It felt right.
Kissing Alexa, having her there in my apartment, fixing her dinner, felt right.
Once upon a time, I had been ready to be a married man, and had been planning for the day when Jenna and I would move in together and start our life as a married couple. I wanted someone in my bed every night and I wanted to wake up with that person every morning. I wanted to become comfortable with someone, passing time together, doing everything with her.
Doing nothing with her.
Then Jenna betrayed me and all those plans were gone in a heartbeat.
Every woman I'd been with afterwards was merely a means to an end – an orgasm.
I wanted that from Alexa, but part of me – a part I thought was gone for good – wanted more. I wanted everything else for a change and that surprised me to the center of my very being.
But I couldn't have her that way…
As much as I knew that I shouldn't allow myself to get any closer to her, I couldn't resist. For the first time since Jenna, I felt at home with a woman.
Instead of shutting things down – shutting myself down – I went full steam ahead, pulling her with me down the hallway to my bedroom, smiling the entire time, enjoying her playful resistance. When I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder, she squealed in delight, giggling as I laid her down across my bed.
I laid on top of her, my arms on either side of her face, and just stared down at her for a moment, both of us smiling like idiots.
"Why is this so easy?"
Her smile faded. "It's too easy. I know I'm going to have a broken heart out of the deal."
"Should we stop? End it now and say goodbye?"
I watched her, wondering how she'd respond. A range of expression crossed her face, from surprise that I said it, to concern, and finally, what I thought was a fuck-it face.
"To hell with it," she said and placed her hand behind my head, pulling me down for a kiss.
When she rolled me over and got on top, riding me like I was a bucking bronco, I didn't fight.
Chapter 19
Alexa
* * *
I woke early when the sun was still just a warm glow on the horizon. Beside me, Luke lay on his stomach, a pillow over his head. His long arms were thrown up beside his head, and his body was naked, his glorious butt and legs on display for me to appreciate.
Appreciate them I did.
He clearly worked out to keep in such great shape. Plus, it looked like he'd spent time at the beach house in Westhampton because he had a decent tan everywhere except his ass and down to his mid-thigh where his swimming trunks would end.
I slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom for a quick pee, seeing everything again in the early morning light.
He was so wealthy. I felt somewhat in awe of the luxury in which he lived and part of me resented it. He was born wealthy, and had lived like this his entire life. It wasn't his fault, and I didn’t blame him for it. He'd had his share of sadness and pain. Money really didn’t solve all problems, but I couldn’t help but think money made the pain of life more bearable.
I finished up in the bathroom and slipped on my bra and panties, then tiptoed to the main living area to get a drink of water. I wanted to turn on the television and watch some local news, but couldn't find the remote. I searched through the drawers in the wall unit, looking for it, but it was nowhere to be found.
I did find a few DVDs and was curious about what he watched. Some of them were recordings, and I glanced at the hallway in case he was watching, but seeing that he wasn't, I checked out the label.
Various playlists for driving – sixties music, nineties music, and some metal. Then I found one DVD that had a hand-written cover with the simple name JENNA.
He'd made a DVD of his ex. I imagined it was a video recording of one of their happier days before they split. Once more, I wondered what happened and how it all went down. How did he find out that she cheated on him? Did someone tell him? Did he walk in on them after coming home early from work one day?
I held the disc in my hand and chewed my bottom lip thoughtfully, imagining it in my mind's eye. I searched through the drawer and found a photo album. At that point, I knew I should just stop and not snoop, but I was just too damned curious.
I opened the cover carefully, glancing quickly down the hallway, but there was no sign of Luke. He must have still been asleep. Unable to resist, I flipped through the first few pages of pictures from Luke's youth – snapshots of him on a surfboard, him skateboarding with a few friends, his hair longer, his body with that leanness of youth. Some of him working on a car engine, his hands greasy.
There were a few of him when he was much younger — maybe seven or eight — standing with a dark-haired woman. His mother, no doubt. It certainly wasn't his adoptive mother. This woman had a pleasant face, pretty, actually, with a gentle smile. She had one arm around his shoulder, and the two were smiling at the camera. I felt a pang of sadness for Luke that he'd lost both parents too early. No wonder he was so close with Dana…
Then, at the back of the photo album, some loose pictures slipped out and fell onto the floor. I bent down to pick them up, examining each one to see what was the subject.
Jenna.
Long dark hair and the face of an angel. Smiling at the camera, a scarf tied around her head. She was in a convertible, her hands on the wheel.
On the back was one word. Jenna.
The woman who broke Luke's heart…
There were nearly a dozen similar pictures of Jenna, in various locations, but in all of them she was smiling at the camera like she was perfectly happy. One showed Luke and Jenna together. He pulled her closer, his arms around her and she kissed his cheek.
They seemed so happy. Why would she cheat on him?
I felt incredibly guilty snooping through his personal possessions so I hastily slipped the pictures back into the photo album and replaced it on the bottom of the drawer.
He still kept them – memories of his relationship – the woman he almost married. I knew he was still not over her. He couldn't get close to a woman, even now – almost a year later. He kept them all at arm's length and focused on his business and his plans to sail the world and then leave it for good.
A part of me wanted to cry after seeing those pictures of Luke. He seemed so easy going and carefree, but I knew that deep down, he had a lot of scars from the various pains in his childhood and youth – his father and mother dying, leaving him an orphan cared for by adoptive parents, then his fiancée che
ating on him with her ex…
I went to the bedroom, giving up on the idea of watching the news, and quickly dressed. I gathered up my bag and went to the kitchen. I scrawled a hasty note on a sheet of paper from my bag.
Thanks for the great night. This has been fun, but we both know it’s going nowhere and that’s not good enough for me. Have a great life and thanks for the memories.
Then I left the apartment while the sun began to rise and walked to the nearest subway station to take a train back home.
* * *
When I got back home, Candace was gone, so I changed into some jeans and a hoodie and went for a walk through the streets around the apartment, picking up a coffee on my way. I still felt sad and wanted to think through everything that happened between Luke and me. I decided to walk to the Hudson to watch the seagulls fly. The sky gradually brightened and I breathed in deep the cool morning air before it warmed up.
My cell dinged and I pulled it out of my hoodie pocket to see who was texting me, wondering if it would be Luke.
To my surprise, it was Dana, his sister.
DANA: Hey, Alexa, I hope you don't mind that I'm texting you. I got your number from Luke's phone. Ha ha. I pretended I wanted to google something. Hey, I'm his twin. I consider myself partially responsible for his happiness. Speaking of which, Luke told me you left suddenly this morning and pretty much broke off your relationship. Are you okay? I know Luke really likes you and I wanted you to know there is nothing between him and Jenna anymore in case you were worried about it. Sorry to butt into your life but I know my brother. He was really upset that you left and weren't going to see him again. I hope you two can work it out. He seems to really like you.
I read her text over, surprised that she felt a need to contact me. I mused whether I should text her back, but I decided I should, just to be polite.
ALEXA: I'm fine. Luke and I aren't serious. In fact, we're pretty casual. A relationship of convenience really, and so it's not a big deal if we stop seeing each other. Seriously – I'm fine. Luke is a free man, and he has plans for the future that don't involve me. I understand that, and we had some fun together, but he's not in my future and I'm not in his. Thanks for being concerned about me but really, I'm fine.
I read over my text and then sent it, figuring that would end the whole business and I wouldn’t hear from her or Luke again.
I continued to walk along the river, feeling sad that nothing could happen between us, trying to harden my resolve. I felt so bad that I wanted to go back home and see my family, but I couldn't go back, because of Blaine. He'd find me if I showed up. In the small town where I had lived before moving to Manhattan, everyone knew everyone else's business. As soon as I drove into town, gossip would spread that I was home, and Blaine would know it. A court ordered restraining order couldn't keep him away – that much I knew for sure.
My parents often rented a vacation home on South Padre Island on the gulf coast of Texas. That was the only place I could go to meet with them and connect, given the problems that I faced when Blaine and I broke up before I came to Manhattan.
It was a time in my life I did not want to think about or revisit.
I sent my mom and dad a text, hoping I could visit them sometime in the fall during my break.
ALEXA: Hey, are you and Dad planning on going to Texas this fall for Thanksgiving? I need a break away from my studies and would love to see you.
She didn’t respond right away, so I continued to walk along the river and drink my coffee.
When my cell dinged again, I expected it was her answering, but instead, it was Dana once more.
DANA: That's strange. I know Luke really regrets that you left early. I didn't get the sense from him that the relationship was one of convenience. He contacted me to talk, so I think he really likes you. So if it was a relationship of convenience, it was on your part, not his. I know my brother. I guess it's a good thing that you left after all, if that's the way you felt about him.
She got the wrong idea entirely, of course. She was too close to Luke, and was concerned for him, but of course, it was totally a relationship of convenience. I couldn’t explain to her why and how we really met, so I was at a loss how I could explain it. I couldn't tell her the truth.
Your brother hired me thinking I was an escort that your cheating husband fucked while you were pregnant. He wanted to send a clear message to Eric that he better stop his cheating ways…
No, that most definitely wouldn't work.
I decided to text her back so she wouldn't push it any farther.
ALEXA: What I mean by convenience is that we both are really busy with our lives – Luke with with his business and me with my MA. We both understood that we would enjoy each other when we had the chance, but that there was no longer-term relationship possible because of both our plans. I'm going to move to Europe after I’ve finished my PhD and hope to join the diplomatic corps. He wants to go away for a year on his catamaran and then maybe take part in the Mars mission and eventually even leave on a one-way mission. So, we knew there was no chance that the two of us would stay together long-term. I care about him and he cares about me, but that's the extent of it. Sorry if I wasn't clear.
I put my phone in my pocket and started back to the apartment, wanting to get breakfast and try to put everything behind me. Before I reached the apartment building where Candace and I lived, my cell dinged once more.
DANA: Meet me for breakfast? I live just down the street from your apartment building.
I didn’t know what to say. She seemed to be really invested in the idea of Luke and me being together.
ALEXA: Okay. Where do you want to meet?
DANA: At The Old Mill. It has a great English breakfast. See you in ten.
I was completely surprised that she wanted to meet me, but was willing to go and talk to her. She was really sweet and I knew she had Luke's best interest at heart. I had to convince her that it really was no problem that Luke and I weren't going to see each other.
So I went to meet her.
* * *
The Old Mill was one of those hole in the wall restaurants that had a busy breakfast and lunch crowd and then became a local watering hole for people after work. I entered and searched around, finally seeing Dana sitting at a booth in the back. I went to her and smiled when I saw her. She seemed really pleased to see me and so honest and open about everything. I felt sick that I knew about her cheating husband and couldn’t tell her.
"Hi," she said and patted the booth beside her. "Come and sit down. They have a great British fry-up on the menu for breakfast. Eggs, beans, tomatoes, bacon, and toast. Plus, real hot tea. Usually, Eric and I come here, but I told him it was a girl's breakfast for me this week."
I slipped in beside her and picked up a menu, deciding on the same thing she ordered when the waitress came to our table.
I felt Dana's gaze on me as I stirred my tea.
"So, I heard from Luke that you left his apartment early this morning without saying goodbye. I know you must think it's strange that I contacted you, but I liked you right away as soon as we met. I feel like we could be friends. Real friends."
I smiled back at her, feeling the same way about Dana.
"I do, too."
"So, tell me why you broke it off with my brother? You're the first woman he's brought to any family function since he and Jenna split last year. That has to mean something."
I shrugged, unable to tell her the truth. "Like I said, we're both really busy and agreed to only see each other when it was convenient for us both. There were never any long-range plans for us."
"He was really upset when she showed up at the beach house. Nothing happened between them."
I shrugged. "When I saw him with Jenna, I realized that he wasn't over her yet. This morning, I found a photo album in his bottom drawer in the living room wall unit and I had this sense he's still hurt and not ready to commit again. I figured I should break it off now before we get too far in. Even i
f he doesn't feel something for her, he's not ready for another serious relationship and that's all I'm good at."
She shook her head. "Look, I love my brother, but between you and me, all this sail around the world and Mars mission stuff is a way to distract himself from being lonely."
"That may be, but he's not ready to become involved in a serious way again, and frankly, I'm not interested in anything less."
"I know. I don't blame you. Look," she said and leaned closer to me. "Luke was hurt by what happened, devastated for a while, but the fact that Jenna had been cheating on him for months destroyed anything he felt for her before. Seriously. He feels nothing for her any longer. He told me you must have seen her touching him, but believe me, he did not touch her. He hates her at this point."
"Honestly, it's not that. Really. It's that I realized there was no future for us and I didn't want to get hurt when he leaves for his trip."
She frowned. "You could still see each other. He told me he'd fly you to meet him any time you had a break from your classes. He's going to be even more ridiculously wealthy once the deal goes through."
I felt frustrated, unable to tell her that it was all a sham. That we were pretending and that it was because of her bastard of a husband that we met at all.
Instead, I had to make up excuses.
She told me all about Luke and Jenna, going over everything I already knew.
I shrugged, never having heard of the Marshall family before or Jenna's family. "I didn’t read the gossip pages in the paper. I had no idea who Luke was when I first met him."
"He liked that about you. He's proud of our family business, and of his own business, but he was never about the celebrity. He always wanted to do something bigger than himself." She sighed. "It was Jenna's betrayal that convinced him that he could never trust a woman to be faithful. Especially considering the one woman he thought loved him had been secretly fucking her ex for months…" She raised her eyebrows. "He was devastated, and then he was really reclusive for a couple of months, keeping his head down, working hard on the startup."