Backtracker

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  "It was like I wasn't allowed to change what was coming. I could see the future but I couldn't change it.

  "How's that for a kick in the ass?" Larry growled bitterly. "I could see when people were going to die, or get hurt, or lose everything...but God or fate or whatever wouldn't let me help them.

  "What good is knowing the future if you can't change it?" Larry slung hotly...and then he stopped pacing. Slumping back against a wall, he drew a hand down over his face, rubbed his eyes, his cheeks, his chin. "No good," he said defeatedly. "It's no good at all." Sighing, he let his thick arms fall to his sides.

  "One time," he said softly, and then he stopped. He swallowed, cleared his throat, started again: "One time, there was this...this girl I really liked. I was...I don't know...sixteen, I guess...and she was a little older. We both lived on the same base in Germany.

  "We got to be pretty close. She was tall...and she had the most beautiful long brown hair I've ever seen in my life." The faintest flicker of a smile tweaked the corners of Larry's mouth...and then it was gone.

  "Anyhow, things were perfect for a while. We were very happy together.

  "Then, one night...I had a flash. It was clear as a bell. In this flash...I saw the girl...and she was being raped and...raped and beaten...by three guys." Larry shifted restlessly against the wall, took a deep breath. "She was being beaten to death...and I saw myself, too...trying to save her...but I couldn't.

  "I saw every detail," Larry said in a pained voice. "I knew it would happen in a back alley in Heidelberg. I knew it would happen at exactly eleven-fifteen...and it would be Friday, just two nights away...and this girl I loved would die before it was over.

  "I didn't do anything about it at first. I guess I kept hoping it was a false alarm...that for once, my flashes were wrong.

  "Then, the next day, she called and asked me if I wanted to go to Heidelberg with her. She planned to visit some friends of hers who were going to school there.

  "I tried to talk her out of it. I told her I wanted to take her out for dinner instead, to a fancy restaurant in Frankfurt. I begged her to stay in town...said I'd been planning this night out for weeks.

  "She really wanted to go to Heidelberg, but I kept pleading with her...and she finally broke down. We agreed to meet at her place the next evening.

  "I thought I'd saved her. I really thought I'd saved her." Sighing, Larry sadly shook his head.

  "Friday evening," he said slowly, "I went to meet her. She was gone.

  "Her father told me she'd gone to Heidelberg. He said she was really sorry, but she just had to break our date.

  "I went crazy. I took my parents' car and I drove as fast as I could to Heidelberg.

  "I got right into town, almost to where I knew it would happen...and then this other car broadsided me at an intersection.

  "The police came...and it took a long time to get everything ironed out. The car had to be towed. I kept looking at my watch, trying to get away, but I couldn't leave.

  "Finally, I just ran. The car was being towed away and I just ran. I ran the whole way across town, praying that I wasn't too late...that just this once, I could change things.

  "I couldn't, of course," Larry said gravely. "I found the alley...and she was there...and so were the three guys. I fought them like a son of a bitch...but I couldn't stop them.

  "They raped and killed her...almost killed me...and then they just left us there." Larry stopped; for a long moment, he was silent. He sniffed, drew in a deep, shuddering breath, released it.

  "So, you see," he said finally, his voice low and hoarse, "these flashes of mine don't really do me much good. They show me what's coming, but they don't...I can't change it."

  After another lengthy pause, Larry pushed away from the wall and resumed his pacing. "I guess I should really say that I can't change things," he said, and his voice was steadier. "I can't personally do anything...but for some reason, other people can.

  "It took me a hell of a long time to find this out. I didn't like to tell anybody about the things I saw, so it didn't occur to me for years that other people might be able to help me...that I could use them.

  "It was really just an accident that I ever found out. See, I had this flash that some guy I knew was gonna' die in a fire. Something was gonna' go wrong with the wiring in his house, and the place was gonna' go up in flames.

  "Anyway, I was out drinking with another guy, and I was really plastered...and I started talking about bad wiring. I was upset because the one guy was gonna' be burned to a crisp, and I knew I couldn't do anything about it...so I babbled to this other guy about bad wiring and how you just never know if it's gonna' cause a fire.

  "I really didn't think anything of it at the time. I just went about my business, waiting to hear the bad news when my flash came true over the weekend. The guy was gonna' burn, and I knew there wasn't any use in trying to save him.

  "Well, I was in for a surprise. The day after this guy was supposed to die, I was at the bar, feeling sorry for him...and wouldn't you know it, he walked in and sat down next to me!

  "I thought he was a ghost!" chuckled Larry. "I thought he'd come to haunt me because I hadn't saved his life!

  "He wasn't a ghost, though. You know what he told me?

  "He said 'I just got done rewiring my house'!

  "It turned out the other guy...the one I was drinking with before...really got it in his head that bad wiring was a big problem! After I talked to him about it, he decided to check the wiring in his own house...and then he mentioned it to this friend of his, who was the guy who was supposed to die in the fire!

  "The guy I'd seen dying in my flash went and checked his house...and he fixed the bad wiring that would've killed him!

  "I couldn't believe it!" Larry said excitedly. "One of my flashes didn't come true! It was the first time that'd ever happened!" Newly enthused, Larry began to speak and pace more rapidly.

  "Anyway, I figured that if it worked once, I'd keep trying this trick, see if it would do the job again...and it did. It really worked.

  "Well, it worked some of the time, anyway," shrugged Larry.

  "See, it's a real touch-and-go thing. I've found it all depends on the person I'm dealing with, and what I say to him or her. Some people just don't pick up on stuff you tell them. It goes in one ear and right out the other. There've been plenty of times when I've tried to maneuver someone to help a person who I knew was gonna' die or whatever...and no matter what I did, I couldn't get the one person on the right track.

  "Like I said, what I tell people has a lot to do with it, too. The people I use to try to change what I've seen in my flashes...I have to feed them just the right line. Sometimes, if I tell them too little, if I don't give them a big enough hint, they won't catch on. Sometimes, if I talk about something too much, they'll get tired of listening to me...or it'll be like, they've heard this so many times, it doesn't sound important anymore.

  "It's tough...telling somebody just the right thing to get them to change the future. It's never foolproof, because people are just so damn unpredictable. Lots of times, I've thought I had someone set to save a guy's life...but for one reason or another, my flash came true anyway." Still pacing, hands folded behind his back, Larry shrugged.

  "I do know that it never works if I mention that I can see the future. It's weird, but...the times when I've tried to convince someone to do something, and I've said that I know what's gonna' happen...if the person I'm working on doesn't laugh in my face...if I get him to believe, because I think that's the only way he'll listen to me...the job always falls through.

  "Always," Larry said forcefully, slashing his hand out and down in a sudden, emphatic gesture. "I don't know why, but if I convince someone that I've got this ability, and I send them out to keep one of my flashes from happening, they always fail. It's as if I was going out and trying to change things myself.

  "I really don't understand it, but that's the way it works. The only way I can change the future is by guiding
someone to do the job for me, without their knowing that they're being guided. That's one of the reasons why I cover up what I can do, what I can see.

  "It's also the reason why I never told you." Larry stopped pacing, halted just a few feet from the mesmerized Dave Heinrich.

  "See, I was trying to use you," Larry said soberly. "I used you to save your friend Boris...only things didn't turn out like I'd planned.

  "I did get you to stop him from killing himself like I'd seen in one of my flashes...but I did too much. When I told you to keep an eye on him because he seemed depressed, it wasn't enough. You didn't take it seriously, so I had to do more...too much...to make you save him. I had to lead you out to where he was and throw you at him, then get outta' the way so I didn't ruin things.

  "It worked...but then you guessed that I could see the future. By leading you to Boris, I pretty much gave away my secret. From then on, you were no good to me, because you knew I was psychic.

  "Really, it was all my own fault. I gave you too many clues. When I first met you and the gang, I was a little too careless. I really liked you guys, so when I had a flash that you were going to be turned in for taking chocolate milk, I gave you a little warning about it. Normally, I wouldn't try to clue someone in to something like that, because for one thing, it's pretty trivial, and for another, I know direct warnings from me can't change things...but I was feeling good and I figured I'd do it for the hell of it.

  "My warning didn't do you any good...like usual...but I guess you put two and two together, or started to. Then, at the party, I screwed up again. I had a flash that a cop was gonna' show up, and I went and hinted around about it. I'd already told you to watch Boris, so I thought he was taken care of and it wouldn't matter if I took another chance.

  "I got sloppy," shrugged Larry. "The chocolate milk...the cop...I never should've mentioned them. They got you thinking, and then I had to take you straight to Boris, and I guess that finally did it. You caught on to what I can do, and I couldn't use you anymore.

  "That turned out to be a major problem," said Larry, and then he sighed. "See, there were more flashes. I still needed help.

  "I had two flashes...one clear, one blurry. In the clear one, I saw Ernie Dumbrowski's parents die in a car wreck. I knew exactly when and where it would happen...but I knew that I couldn't save them myself, and you couldn't help anymore.

  "I knew I had to work on somebody else, so I dropped hints to different people at the party the night before the wreck. I did everything except come right out and say that I knew Ernie's parents were gonna' die, and I prayed that someone would get the right idea.

  "I even tried to get Ernie thinking about it. That was why I asked him all those questions about his parents' trip. I didn't think it would work, because for some reason, family of the people I see in my flashes usually can't change things...but I tried anyway.

  "Well...you know what happened next," Larry said slowly, and he cleared his throat. "Nobody got the hint." Pausing for a moment, Larry sighed and stared at the floor, looked melancholy and regretful.

  "My other flash, the blurry one, had to do with Tom Martin," he finally continued.

  "It really wasn't a clear flash at all. I could see that Tom was going to commit suicide, and that he had do it at his house...but I couldn't see when he would do it. For all I knew, it might happen in a few days, or it might not happen for weeks or months.

  "I didn't know what to do," frowned Larry, resuming his restless pacing. "I knew I couldn't do anything directly, and you couldn't help anymore...and I just didn't know where to turn.

  "The problem with Tom was that he didn't have any friends, people I could get to worry about him and watch over him. The people who worked under him at the steakhouse hated his guts. The other manager, Mr. Wyland, barely put up with him...and Tom just didn't have a social life outside of work.

  "That left his wife. Now, like I said before, I usually don't have much luck using family of the people I'm trying to help, and that includes wives...maybe they're just too close, I don't know...but she was my only chance. I knew nobody else cared enough about Tom to get worried if I hinted that he was in trouble.

  "Anyway, I hoped for the best, and I went over to Tom's house. I borrowed a car from the bartender downstairs...my landlord...since he's got two, and he told me once I could use one if I needed.

  "I figured I could drop in to see Tom, and then I could talk to his wife on the sly, tell her she oughtta' keep an eye on him.

  "Unfortunately," sighed Larry, "his wife wasn't there. She was out of town, at her mother's, and she wouldn't be back for two days." Larry shook his head defeatedly.

  "Since Tom's wife wasn't there, all I could think to do was stick around and see how Tom was doing. I figured maybe I could get a handle on whatever might've been pushing him to suicide, and then I'd be better prepared to get someone to stop him.

  "For a while, it seemed like Tom was feeling all right. He and I did some drinking and bullshittin', and he seemed okay. He was laughing, telling jokes, telling stories...seemed to be having a good time. I thought that maybe my flash wasn't meant to come true for a while, for a few more days at least.

  "Then, after a couple hours, he got quiet. He turned on the TV, and we sat there and watched it, but he wouldn't say a word. Every time I tried to get him talking, he'd just ignore me.

  "I started to think maybe he wasn't so okay after all. I started to think maybe what I'd seen in my flash was gonna' happen real soon." Pacing to one corner of the room, Larry paused briefly with his back to Dave.

  "I didn't know what to do," said Larry, turning then to retrace his course yet again. "I knew that if it was gonna' happen, it was gonna' happen, and I wouldn't be able to stop it. All I could do was try to stay in the house, hope this wasn't the night for him to kill himself.

  "Eventually, he asked me to leave...said he was really tired and had to get some sleep. I told him I'd rather stay, because I was too drunk to drive.

  "Well, he didn't want me to stay. We got into a big argument over it, a real shouting match.

  "Finally, he seemed like he was giving in. He was still pissed, but he said he didn't care whether I stayed or not, as long as I stayed outta' his way. I laid down on the couch and he turned all the lights off and went upstairs. I thought everything was okay.

  "I should've known better.

  "Just when I was starting to relax, Tom came back downstairs. He just walked over to me, right to the couch, not saying anything. I asked him what he wanted...and he pulled a big knife out from behind his back.

  "He started waving the knife at me, and he told me to get out. He was...he was just crazy. He said if I didn't get outta' there, he'd kill me.

  "What was I gonna' do?" Larry swept his arms wide, threw Dave a querulous, apologetic look. "I mean, I thought about trying to take the knife away from him, but he wouldn't let me get close. Every time I went toward him, he backed off and stuck that knife at me.

  "If I tried to fight him, maybe he'd cut me. Just because I didn't see it in my flash, that didn't mean he couldn't kill me.

  "I really didn't know what to do," shrugged Larry. "I couldn't think of anything.

  "I tried talking to him, but that didn't do any good. He just kept waving the knife, telling me to get out of his house.

  "He finally started coming at me, and he had a crazy look in his eyes...and I just gave up. God help me, I gave up and left." Larry's voice trailed off, and he stopped pacing; standing at the opposite side of the room from Dave, he bowed his head and remained silent for a moment.

  "I really tried, you know," he said at last. "I just...like always, I couldn't change things myself. I tried, but I couldn't.

  "When I walked out of the house, I thought about trying to get help somehow...but there just wasn't any way to do it in time. It was too late at night to get somebody...and even if I could, they'd be too late to stop Tom. He probably...went upstairs with his knife the minute I walked out the door." Once more, Larry fell silen
t; when he finally looked up, his expression was bleak and slack, his eyes haunted and hopeless.

  "That's what happened," he said slowly, sounding as if he were depleted of all energy, every last bit of vitality. "I couldn't save Tom. I couldn't save Ernie's mom and dad. I couldn't save anyone.

  "Now you know what I can do," said Larry. "Absolutely nothing." With a heavy, dejected sigh, he walked to the cot and sat on the edge of the thin mattress.

  "Damn," he said quietly. "Maybe I should've told you sooner. Maybe you could've helped somehow...talked somebody else into trying to save Ernie's folks, or Tom. You couldn't've done anything on your own, but maybe you could've found someone who could help.

  "I don't know," said Larry, shrugging dispiritedly. "I guess I just wasn't sure what you'd do if I told you the truth. I didn't know if I could trust you or if you'd go and tell everybody about what I can do.

  "If I'd told you the truth, and you'd told everyone you knew, all those people would've been ruined for me. If they'd known about my flashes, I wouldn't've been able to use any of them to try to change the future.

  "Of course, they didn't do me any good, anyway," mumbled Larry. "Maybe I should've just told you. Maybe things would be different now." Frowning, he massaged one temple, kneaded it as if he were suffering from an intense headache.

  "Y'know," he said after a long pause. "I really wish I didn't have this...this power. I really wish I couldn't see the future.

  "It's nothing but a curse. All it does is make my life hell." Closing his eyes, Larry lifted his free hand and began to massage his other temple.

  "Every time I have a flash...see that something awful's gonna' happen to somebody...I feel responsible for that person. I know there's always a chance I can help, that if I work it just right, I might be able to get someone to change things...so it's like it's all up to me, it's all on my shoulders. If my flash comes true anyway...I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like...it's all because of me that this person died, or that one was crippled.