Questions for a Highlander

by Angeline Fortin

  It had taken MacKintosh to explain to him the special bond the two Preston girls had with their father. Though the man had been raised a second son of minor Irish nobility and was a man of monstrous stature and pure Irish temperament, he had been a hands-on father, taking an active and affectionate role in their upbringing. Preston had allowed his girls a life away from Society and nursemaids, taking them upon his own knee to nurture. Though he had only seen his own father for a few moments daily, Jack had seen behavior of that sort in Francis’ father, Alexander MacKintosh, a man who had treated Jack more as a son than did his own father. He mourned that great man’s passing but not to the extent that Kitty and Eve mourned their father. He hoped someday he might be a man who was loved so dearly.

  After so many minutes of silence, Kitty’s voice almost startled Jack when she spoke again. “Who knows, Jack, perhaps you’ll meet some nice, Knickerbocker heiress while you’re in New York and all your troubles will just fade away.”

  Jack scowled darkly at her jest. He didn’t want some Knick-Knacky heiress, didn’t she know that? Yet her comment was detached, just enough to give the impression that she cared not a whit what he did, one way or the other.

  “Do you think you might come out to the salon for supper tonight?” He bit back a flare of irritation and asked just to make conversation.

  “I am mourning, Jack,” she reminded, with a significant look down at her body.

  She wore black, of course. Eve had resurrected the wardrobe she had thought to be done with for many a year and divided the gowns between herself and Kitty, since the latter had not been in Edinburgh long enough to have anything made that might have been dyed. Despite the dismal color of her gown, Jack thought Kitty still looked lovely, though her cheeks were pale and her eyes dulled of their normal luster. As they were out on deck, she wore a large brimmed hat with a short veil as well.

  He cast about for something, anything, to say that might bring her out of the reverie that engulfed her thoughts. She worried him with this attitude of hers as much as it made him grind his teeth in frustration. He wondered how he might cast away the shadows lingering over Kitty. If she continued with this aloof testiness much longer, he might just pull out his hair, for he didn’t how to cope with it. Friendship with a woman was trial enough without compounding it with the difficulties involved with one so emotionally troubled. Under normal circumstances, he would just wash his hands of the problem but, for reasons he cared not analyze, he found himself unable to walk away from Kitty. Unable to think of anything else, he could only say again sincerely, “I am sorry about your father, Kitty.”

  Kitty turned to him with a sad little smile. “I know you are, Jack.” She sighed and reached over, taking his hand in hers and giving it a little squeeze. “And I am thankful you are here with me, though I know I haven’t shown it. I haven’t been myself at all, have I? But, truly. I can’t tell you how much your presence means to me.”

  “I had got the feeling you might be wishing me back to Scotland.” He meant the words to tease but they emerged with the annoying ring of honesty. “I was nearly ready to jump overboard and swim back.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “Well…” He waved his hand at her, speechless.

  A smile twisted Kitty’s lips. “I apologize if I’ve made you feel unwanted. At this moment in my life, you are strangely my best friend despite our brief association. Odd, isn’t it? That I’ve only known you a couple weeks when I feel like I’ve known you my whole life?”

  Her words reached out, stroking his damaged soul and warming his heart. “Not so strange, since I feel much the same. Friends with a woman!” he laughed, but shot her a more intimate glance. “But surely that is not all?”

  Kitty couldn’t stop the blush that rose to her cheeks. She ducked her head shyly, glancing up at him provocatively through her lashes. “Perhaps not just friends,” she conceded. “I would be bereft if you were to attempt a swim back to Scotland. Will you walk with me for a while instead so I might keep you from jumping overboard? I haven’t seen much of the ship yet, but it certainly looks nicer than the one I took when I came over.”

  Had it only been a month since she fled to Southampton from New York, Kitty wondered. She hadn’t been in Scotland more than a couple weeks and yet her life seemed completely different than it had when she arrived. She felt like a different person, a stronger person; perhaps a better person. She had found that person, she realized, because of the man beside her. His odd confidence in her, his admiration, swept away the Kitty molded by the harsh tutelage of her husband. She certainly liked her current self better than the wispy shadow cowering under Freddie’s thumb these past six years.

  And Jack liked her as well. He had told her so, but even if he hadn’t, she would have known from the spark in his eye when he looked at her.

  She liked him as well. Simply liked him, apart from the lust and desire that clouded her thoughts whenever she touched him. He was such an unlikely mix of rogue and lord. In public, a man of arrogance and disdain. In private, one who took his responsibilities seriously and cared deeply about his friends.

  A man so easy to like might also be a man easy to love…if one were to allow oneself the risk. It would be a risk, she knew. She heard too many stories of his numerous affairs and dismissive attitude toward women to think herself so unique he would sacrifice his bachelor life for love of her.

  “How is Hannah taking all this?” Jack asked as they strolled the first class promenade.

  Kitty was touched he would think to ask about her daughter, for he had only met the toddler once before their hasty departure. “Betsy has been keeping her occupied in our stateroom and bringing her up to play on deck. I think she is a bit afraid of the weeping belle I have become and only seems to cry at my side when we are together.” She offered this with a watery chuckle.

  “Does she know?” He tried to pick his wording carefully so as not to upset her once more, now that it seemed she was emerging from her shell a bit.

  “No,” Kitty frowned, “I tried to explain it to her but I don’t think she really understands what is happening. I suppose she will have no memory of him when she grows older and that is a shame. He was such a wonderful man. A true father in every sense of the word and a doting grandfather. He would carry Hannah about on his shoulders much as he did me when I was a girl. I remember feeling so high up when he did that. I wonder if she’ll remember that.”

  “You will remember him to her,” he told her. “I would imagine you can tell a lively tale when you choose. And in the years to come it will become easier to talk about your father and the memories will be a reminder of happy times, without the sadness they hold today.”

  Kitty cast a smile into his eyes. “Why, Jack, what a surprisingly sentimental thought.”

  “Especially coming from me?”

  “Especially.” She smiled more fully. “Did I mention I am terribly glad you decided to come along?”

  “You didn’t mention the ‘terribly’ part before.”

  “Consider it said.”

  “I will.” Jack walked her along the upper decks, pointing out the game rooms and recreational facilities she had missed by hiding out in her room. He felt more relaxed than he had in days, as if the emotional separation between them in the past week had impinged on his own ability to be contented. Their renewed banter was satisfying to them both, it seemed. “How about Evelyn? How is she holding up?”

  “Emotionally probably better than I, but her morning sickness has been aggravated by the motion of the ship and she has been spending the better part of each day abed with that malady.”

  “It’s hard to imagine MacKintosh a father,” Jack said absently as they wandered through the main salon.

  “Oh, he’s been just wonderful with Laurie already. So patient and loving,” she insisted. “I think he will make a wonderful father. How about you, Jack? Don’t you want children?”

  An image flashed through his mind, slipping awa
y before he had a chance to grasp it fully. “Of course, I must have an heir one day.”

  “Of course,” Kitty replied only. “An heir.” It was a shame his thoughts could only follow such a course, she thought. After seeing Jack with Hannah and Abby’s three children, Kitty felt certain Jack would make a wonderful father too. She was sure it would be more a pleasure than a duty for him. Jack would be a father who did not simply dominate his children’s lives but also share them, as her own father had up until the moment he had arranged her marriage to Freddie.

  Shaking off the unwanted turn in conversation, Jack steered back to a more casual topic. “There is a very nice library on board as well as a music room. There is music during and after supper every night. Are you sure you won’t come out tonight? The meal last night was very nice; turtle soup, Scotch salmon with hollandaise for the fish course, filets de boeuf a la Bordelaise, saddle of mutton with jelly. They make a custard with rhubarb that is manna from the gods,” he tempted her.

  “Strange, that’s the exact supper the porter brought to my stateroom last night!” she teased. “What an incredible coincidence!”

  “Indeed, but is it as delicious when experienced alone?”

  “If that’s a not so subtle hint, I will give in gracefully and invite you to join me for dinner,” she offered.

  “In your room?”

  “Yes, I have a separate sitting area where we can dine.” She raised an inquiring brow. “Can I trust you to be a gentleman?”

  “Of course.”

  Chapter 23

  Friendship often ends in love;

  but love in friendship – never.

  - Charles Caleb Colton

  Still aboard the SS Teutonic

  A few days later

  Nearing the port of New York

  “You know,” Jack murmured softly, “MacKintosh has told me again and again how good Eve is at this but I never imagined you would be as well.”

  “I’m very talented.”

  “More than I might have imagined.”

  Kitty sighed and stretched, reading the focus and concentration as he contemplated her thoughtfully. “Your move, Jack. What are you going to do now?”

  “How did you get so good, I wonder?”

  “Practice, Jack. Lots and lots of practice.” She grinned at him, wondering what he would try next.

  “As we’ll make the port of New York tomorrow, this is my last chance. Very well,” he muttered, and slid his piece to the left. “How’s that?”

  Kitty just smiled and shook her head ruefully. “Not good at all, Jack.” She leaned forward. “Check mate.”

  Jack sat back in his chair and stared at the ceiling, running both hands through his hair in consternation. “Ugh! I cannot believe it! I have never seen a woman play chess as well as you!”

  “Just a woman?” she teased, resetting the pieces on the board and toying with his king before tipping it on its side.

  “I stand corrected!” He reached across the table and took both of her hands in his, pressing a kiss of worship to each palm. “I am defeated, master.”

  Kitty couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped her. Jack had been incredibly supportive during the entire journey from Scotland, tolerating her moods with aplomb and standing ready to catch her if she began to sink deeply into her dark mourning again. In this last week of their two week crossing, he had spent his days listening to her stories of her father with patience, holding her when needed and otherwise respecting her grief and privacy as she and Eve mourned together. In the evenings, they would dine together, or with Francis and Eve in their stateroom. She didn’t know how she could have made it without him.

  Each night before he left her alone in her room, Jack would kiss her goodnight to remind her of the nights that would be theirs someday. It had come as a bit of a surprise, that first evening he joined her for dinner, that passion could override her sadness and leave her restless through the night for reasons that had only to do with him. Though he would walk with her and keep her company through the day, he reserved those longing kisses for the evening. She had begun to wish the days away completely, so eager for the nights was she.

  Their kisses and embraces became more passionate and intense with each passing night. Their intimacies grew more daring as she urged him on and tempted him farther and farther, relying on his strength to leave before they went too far.

  She yearned for the day when they could finish what they started, when he could take her fully and show her the something she was sure she had been missing. The something that would put an end to the tension and frustration plaguing her.

  Someday soon, when their love affair ended, he would continue on to other women and eventually, perhaps, a wife. She hoped by that point he would be back in Scotland, because Kitty wasn’t sure how she would bear watching him go to another. What she would do then, she had no idea, but she was determined to enjoy him as long as she could until that day came.

  It would certainly come, she knew. Jack might have shown a side to her these past days he rarely revealed – the man of depth and caring, nurturing – but that would not change the essence of who he was, and Jack Merrill was a man who would never settle down to one woman. She knew it, had been lectured on that point again and again. Kitty might not like it, but she accepted it.

  When the time came, her heart might ache with pain and loss but it could not be broken when no promises had been made. No expectations shattered.

  “It’s getting late.” Jack looked at the clock mounted on a table under the window. Kitty’s stateroom suite consisted of two small bedchambers connected by the small sitting room where they took their evening meals and entertainments afterward. Kitty, of course, had one chamber. Hannah and her nursemaid occupied the other though, Kitty confessed, Hannah shared her bed most nights.

  Francis and Eve had been assigned one of the largest suites available in first class, a benefit of the Glenrothes title, while Jack, under those same auspices, had been given a large single cabin with appointments better than his own home. Sung Li had insisted on taking a steerage berth initially, but Kitty rejected that summarily. He was below in second class, coming above frequently to assure himself that his mistress’s needs were being met.

  When Kitty said nothing further, Jack turned to discover she had been watching him through lazy eyes. Bedroom eyes, he thought, taking a deep, controlling breath. These last nights had been a test of that control. Kitty’s passionate kisses and responses to his roaming hands had put him on the edge of undeniable temptation. That she was clearly relying on him to bring a halt to their encounters made him feel unworthy of that trust. His control was waning. The enticement was growing. The unsatisfied lust eating at him. If she knew he wanted nothing more than to throw her down on the bed and ravish her for days on end, she might ban him from her cabin for the remainder of their journey.

  “I should leave,” he said. While I still can.

  Still she only stared at him from across the table, silently assessing, until the tension stretched between them so unbearably Jack actually jumped when the connecting door opened. Hannah’s nursemaid stuck her head in.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, mum, but Hannah woke and is calling for you to tuck her up.”

  “Of course.” Kitty cast an unreadable glance at Jack as she stood.

  Hannah appeared in the doorway, looking delightfully soft and rumpled as only a sleepy child could. She was rubbing her eyes with one hand while the other kept a ragdoll tucked next to her. “No! I want Uncle Jack to do it!”

  Kitty rolled her eyes when Jack’s brows shot up in surprise. “It’s your own fault.”

  Sure and it was, Jack thought with a reluctant smile. Frequently, over the past days, he had taken to playing for a bit with Hannah when he arrived to escort Kitty on deck, and just today had tucked her up for her nap before they left. Strangely, he didn’t mind at all. He held his arms open to the wee lass and she dashed into them, flinging her arms around his neck. Cuddling the tod
dler’s sleepy, warm body to his with a kiss to the top of her head, Jack caught Kitty’s intense, wide-eyed look. He certainly wasn’t sure what it meant.

  They hadn’t talked about it at all, but now he wondered if she might be dismayed by her daughter’s new found attachment to him. Perhaps she feared that Hannah might miss him when he left one day, when Kitty decided their romance was done. Over the course of the past week, he had begun to wonder if he would ever get enough of Kitty after he finally had her. Jack knew without a doubt that Kitty would have to be the one to end their bargain, as he intended to keep her for as long as she allowed.

  It was as if her own particular fantasy were playing itself right before her very eyes, Kitty thought as she watched Jack carry her daughter back to bed. A pang of yearning rang through her heart. He was the picture of a loving father, tossing his child into the air before he swung her down into the trundle bed that tucked up under the nurse’s during the day. A father figure much as her own loving Da, though she doubted he would appreciate the comparison.

  When he rubbed his nose and cheek against Hannah’s, Kitty thought she might swoon.

  Pressing a hand to her heart, Kitty turned away, unable to bear the sight as her throat tightened and her eyes burned. Longing welled within her, stronger than any she had ever felt in her life. She wanted him in her life so badly! She wanted to watch this scene take place a thousand times and revel in each one. She wanted Jack. Wanted him to be a father to her children. In that moment, she realized there was no chance to halt the downward slide she had been on for weeks. She loved Jack, and wanted nothing more than to have that love returned. Their lives could be so very good together. She wished he could see it that way! His love could give her the family she always wanted. That magical unit she had seen in Eve’s home and in Abby’s.

  “Mama, kisses!” Hannah demanded, and Kitty swallowed back the welling emotion to move to the bed and press tender kisses to her daughter’s cheeks and forehead.