“Do you have anything in that house you need tonight?” I ask, shuffling her toward my car.
“I want a painting that’s in my car trunk. If I leave it here, I’m worried he may do something to it. He always hated it,” she says, doing a quick inventory of all her belongings.
“Then grab it and let’s go.”
Rebecca pulls a painting from her trunk and shakes her head as though trying to wake from a dream. “Devin, Adeline’s going to need her car seat. The buckle sticks, I can’t get it out by myself.”
“I have one.”
“You have one what?”
“A car seat. Top of the line, as safe as it gets. No sticking buckles.”
“When did you get that?”
“This morning. I picked up a few things.”
I watch her search my face, that mental lie detector she’s so good at using. “You know how I feel about your plans for Clover. You know how I feel about who you are now. What changed?”
I know I should tell her the truth—I really don’t know where the deal stands. I should have heard from the mayor by now. Something went wrong. There is a fifty-fifty chance it’s off the table anyway. I’m standing here, looking at her, thinking of what it used to feel like to hold her, remembering who I used to be all those years ago, and I just want to feel that way again. “The deal is dead,” I say as I lower Adeline into her new car seat.
“Why are you doing this? You feel bad for me?”
I taught myself over the years not to show weakness, to block questions like this with my bravado. But I’m afraid to lose her, to scare her off like a skittish deer. So, I consider breaking my own rules. I want to promise her the world and apologize for every minute she’s suffered. Why am I doing this? How do I answer that question, when I don’t even know myself.
Do I feel bad for her? I feel bad that she was stomped on by the world. I feel bad for how much she gave to me, and how little I gave back. “No, it’s not because I feel bad for you. I didn’t expect to see you here in Clover. I didn’t expect to ever have a chance to be with you again. I’m not willing to drive out of this town without knowing if there is still anything between us.”
“And what does this mean for us? What are you saying?”
I wish she’d stop asking me questions. I have no answers. A day ago I was completely focused on ridding Clover of Sheriff Hoyle. It’s all I thought about for years. I convinced myself that Rebecca was a completely unattainable dream.
Like a car careening in one direction, it’s not easy to hit the brakes and start heading the other way. It doesn’t mean I don’t want her, it just means I need time to shift gears. “I have no idea,” I admit. “The people we became are strangers to each other. Even if I want to, I can’t be that boy you fell in love with, but maybe there’s something here.”
I watch as she slides the painting into the back seat of my car. I lean in and skillfully buckle the safety straps on Adeline’s seat, grinning over at her astonished face.
“I practiced with a teddy bear for nearly an hour this morning.” I reach into a bag by Adeline’s feet and pull out a large stuffed bear. “Speaking of which,” I hand it over to her and brush her curls back affectionately. When she hugs it so tight it looks like the head may pop off, I laugh.
“Are you the painted man?” Adeline scrunches up her nose and scrutinizes the features of my face.
“Am I?” I ask, reaching across to flip the painting over. The sight of it startles me. A captivating and sensual oil painting sends me back to the night Rebecca and I made love. The night before it all went wrong. I see myself—half boy, half man—holding Rebecca in my arms. It’s not gratuitous or offensive. It’s sweet. It’s real. She captured me perfectly, my face full of awe and bewilderment, excitement and passion. The strokes of color, splattering and streaking in all directions, embody how I felt that night.
“I started painting it the moment I got home. I didn’t want to forget a single thing about that night. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I finished it just an hour before I heard Brent was dead and you were arrested. I take it with me every time I move. I look at it and sometimes I hate what it represents, everything I lost. And, other times I look at it and love it because I had one night, a night I’ll never forget, and I know some people live a lifetime and never experience what we did.”
I stare at it another moment, astonished by her talent and the emotion the painting evokes in me. It’s like looking at two strangers, naïve children about to be demolished by an oncoming crash of life speeding toward them. I want to warn them. Tell them to watch out for what’s coming when the passion is over. I want to tell them not to let go of each other, because the moment they do, life will never be the same. My only hope is she never paints a picture of this moment. My face must be twisted with sadness for the beautiful girl who lost so much, for the boy who never saw it coming. I’m positive if she captures the remorse and anger filling me right now, it will be the most dismal piece she ever creates.
But if she can see under all the sorrow on my face right now, she’ll understand. I agree the night we spent together surpassed everything I imagined, and I’ve chased it ever since. The problem is, I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. All my efforts and attention have been focused on taking charge of my heart, my life. I don’t want anyone to ever be in a position to control me again. Yet, right now, I feel about as out of control as I ever have.
Rebecca speaks over the roof of my car as we both hesitate to get in. “Am I just supposed to get in the car with you and run off, with no idea where we stand?”
“Rebecca, for the first time in a long time, I don’t have the answers. I can’t tell you I know what that means for us, but tonight is Christmas Eve, and I want to get in the car and get the hell out of here with you. I hate this holiday. Everything about it makes me think of the worst time in my life. But then, I think about Christmas with you. All the ones we never had. I can be angry about everything I don’t have, or I can try to find a way to not lose any more. Things can change, if we let them. I’m trying to let them.”
“Okay,” she whispers, and we both settle into the car. “I can live with that for right now.” Rebecca laughs a bit. “But we don’t have clothes. We left all our things. Maybe we should go back and get some.”
“We can buy new clothes when we get where we’re going,” I say, as I caress her cheek and she leans into my touch.
As I pull onto the road, I focus on the trip ahead of me and try not to think about anything past tonight. That’s all I planned so far. I’m going to give her Christmas. I’m going to ignore my disdain for all things festive and get lost in the joy of seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes. The rest will have to be sorted out later.
Chapter Ten
The two-hour drive seems to fly by as we listen to endless versions of different Christmas music. At Adeline’s request, of course. I realize it’s a damn good thing there are no children in the corporate world. They are impossible to say no to. I listen, begrudgingly at first, to the cartoon characters, crooners, and country singers, all making the holidays their own. It’s been so long since I felt the excitement of Christmas, but slowly, it’s all coming back to me, as I hear Adeline sing her own version of Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
We stop and split up to do some shopping at the mall. I load up on more presents for the two of them, spending almost forty-five minutes getting them all wrapped with festive bows. When the girl behind the counter asks me if the wrapping is cheerful enough, I tell her to add more bows. I want them to be perfect.
After loading the boxes in the car, I go back in, searching for the girls. Rebecca has picked out some discounted clothes. She has one outfit for her and one for Adeline as well as a set of pajamas. It takes nearly an hour to convince her that money is no object. I tell her I’m not leaving until the bill hits at least a thousand dollars.
She reluctantly agrees, finally seeing I’m clearly not going to budge. I walk out, my arms loaded with
bags and boxes, smiling, company in tow. Finally, we are back on course and head up the mountain to our destination.
I pull the car up a long dirt driveway and park. Before I can step out, Rebecca catches my arm. “Thank you so much for the clothes and for bringing us up here. It’s been so long since I celebrated Christmas. I try to do what I can for Adeline, but she never really has anything special.”
“She has you, that’s special.” I cover her hand with mine, and though I know I’m sounding like a sap, I don’t care. I’m treating this night like an escape, not just from Clover but from myself. This person I became—I’m trying to get away from that guy.
We’re sitting outside a house tucked in the woods. I’m relieved to see it’s exactly what I was hoping for. With any luck, the property manager came through with the rest of my requests. We pile out of the car and walk up the cobblestoned path, past the barn toward the house. So far, so good. The outside of the house is decorated for Christmas. It’s trimmed with beautiful evergreen wreaths and small candlestick lights at every window. The recently fallen snow is cleared from the steps and gives the place an even more romantic feel. I didn’t order the snow; that is just a nice coincidence.
At the store, Rebecca and Adeline changed into matching outfits. As she stands now in front of this house wearing a stunning red peacoat and tan woolen trousers, I ache to touch her. “You two look beautiful,” I say sheepishly. Compliments are like a foreign language to me now. I still don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish here.
I had vengeance in my heart for so long, I’m not sure I left room for anything else. I dance between the idea of wanting her and wanting to run.
When we step through front door, I hear Adeline squeal with excitement and Rebecca coo with joy. “The house is gorgeous, Devin. It’s like a winter wonderland in here.”
I watch with a victorious smile as Rebecca runs her fingertips across the beautifully beveled chair rail that lines the room. She peeks inside the windows of the miniature winter town set up on a bed of fake snow. She flicks the handles of the nutcrackers, making their mouths open and shut, again and again.
The fire burning in the fireplace adds a quintessential feel to this house. The wood crackles, filling the room with the earthy scent of burnt cedar. Mistletoe hangs in the doorway; stuffed snowmen are tucked in the corner of the room. Twinkling lights and garland wrap around the banister of the long curved staircase. A nauseous wave of disgust should be rolling over me right now, but all I can do is stare at Rebecca and Adeline as they take it all in.
The tree is exactly what I requested. It’s taller than I am, and there isn’t a single flaw. It’s full of life, and the scent of the pine brings me back to simpler times in my life. It has bright white lights strung all the way around, perfectly symmetrical as they weave through the branches. Red and gold ornaments are nestled artfully among the greens, shining against the glistening lights. At the top is a star that’s so big it looks like it was plucked from the sky and propped on top. Under the tree is a lush red blanket, ready and waiting for presents. This is what Christmas looks like in a magazine. It’s better than I imagined, and judging by Rebecca’s expression, I hit the mark.
“You outdid yourself, Devin.” She is still searching the room, finding more things that make her smile grow.
“I thought it would probably take a lot to make me enjoy Christmas, so I pulled out all the stops.”
“Is it working?” Rebecca asks, searching my face for a sign that I’m happy.
“I’m glad I did all this, but I’m seeing it’s probably unnecessary. I don’t need all this stuff to help me remember why Christmas is magical, I just need to watch her.”
Rebecca’s attention turns to her daughter, who takes up residence under one of the end tables by the couch. Her teddy bear, a nutcracker, and a stuffed snowman huddle together listening to her sing Jingle Bells, or really, Jiggle Bells. Close enough.
I scoop her up, settle her down on the plush couch, and she wiggles into it happily. I still can’t believe how willingly she allows me to hold her. I don’t think I give off a very warm and fuzzy feeling, but apparently she sees something in me that I can’t see in myself. Rebecca changes her into her new, perfect-fitting pajamas, and I wait for my next surprise to arrive.
With a thumping clatter above us, I know it’s time.
“Devin, I think something’s on the roof.” Rebecca steps closer to me and her fingers on my bicep send shivers up my body. “Do you think it’s an animal? There are bears out here, you know.”
“Adeline,” I say, as I crouch down in front of her, “who do you think is up on our roof making all that clattering noise on Christmas Eve?” Before she can answer, the jingling of bells comes alive outside the window.
“Santa?” Adeline whispers, and the angelic wonder-filled look on her face forces me to swallow back a lump in my throat, tears nearly forming in my eyes.
“It must be,” I say, scooping her up into my arms and heading for the door. I pull it open, and standing before us is the most convincing Santa Claus I’ve ever seen. Hell, he should be convincing considering how much I paid to get him here on such short notice.
“Mommy,” Adeline squeals as she wraps her arms around my neck and buries her face. She looks torn between excitement and nerves, and squeezing me tighter seems to help ground her in this moment.
Santa, with his rosy red cheeks and small round wire-rim glasses, pats Adeline on her back. “Excuse me young lady, I’m looking for Adeline.”
She turns to look at him; her eyes go wide then blink quickly, focusing on the sheer awesomeness of this moment. “Dat’s me,” she whispers, pointing her tiny finger at herself.
“Come on in, Santa,” I say, stepping aside so he can join us in the living room. “What brings you here on such a busy night?” I hope to make this special. I want this to be perfect for her. Flawless. It reminds me of Rebecca and myself before we were torn apart. Ignorance and bliss go hand in hand, making me yearn for my younger years and reminding me how precious this time is. Her innocence, looking up at this jolly miracle, is all I can hope for.
Rebecca is in the corner with tears streaming down her face, trying desperately to wipe them away before Adeline can notice.
“Well, I do have a very busy night tonight delivering presents to all the good girls and boys around the world, but I had to stop here first. Adeline, I hear you have been so very good this year, and I want to give you something special.”
“A pwesent?” She lights up and claps her hands together.
“Yes, a very special present.” He pulls a book with glittery binding and scrawling gold letters from under his arm. “I’d like to read you this very special story. It’s called ’Twas the Night Before Christmas. Will you sit here with me and read it?”
“Yes,” she exclaims, shimmying out of my arms and hopping onto his lap before he even has a chance to settle himself.
I sidle up to Rebecca and lean into her slightly. I’m watching her watch her daughter. Her face shows a mixture of awe and sadness, yet also, there seems to be hope. This is better than I ever imagined.
“You didn’t have to do all this,” she whispers through her tears.
“I know. But do you think she likes it?”
“I think she’ll remember this her entire life. Two days ago, I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain that Santa couldn’t bring us any presents this year. Now, here he is, delivering in person.”
When Santa closes the book, Adeline is tucked so tightly beneath his arm it looks like she’ll never let go. “Adeline, honey, I have one more thing for you,” Santa says, affectionately tapping her nose. She slides off his lap and jitters with excitement, her little curls bouncing with each shake of her head.
Santa pulls a small locket from his pocket and dangles the shiny silver in front of Adeline. Rebecca looks at me and smiles even wider.
Santa reaches into his other pocket and takes out a second locket. “This one is for your mommy.
Will you give it to her?” Adeline nods eagerly, snatches the locket, and runs as fast as her little legs will take her, straight into Rebecca’s arms.
“Wead it to me, Mommy.” Adeline points to the inscription on the back of each locket and I feel a wave of heat rush over me. This seemed like such a good idea when I planned it, but now I’m second-guessing myself.
Rebecca holds Adeline’s locket in her hands and hiccups a little cry as she reads it. “This says all my love,” Rebecca lifts the other locket to her face, but I can tell she already knows what it will say, “and mine says, half my heart.” She can’t fight her tears any longer and pulls Adeline into a tight hug.
The last line of every single letter Rebecca wrote to me was always signed the same way: You have all my love and half my heart. I want her to know how much that meant to me, how it saved my life many times.
“Mommy, you cwying?” Adeline asks, scrunching her nose and furrowing her brows.
“Yes, baby. I’m crying, but they are happy tears. Now, go say thank you to Santa and give him a hug.” She releases her daughter and wipes her face, trying to compose herself.
She leans to me, hanging the locket between us, and asks in a low voice, “How exactly am I supposed to interpret a gift like this?”
“Your letters were a gift to me all those years. I just want you to know how special they were.”
“You don’t need to get us any gifts. This night is gift enough.”
I step behind her and drape the locket around her neck, lingering a moment after I clasp it. The soft bare skin just above the collar of her shirt is so enticing. “I wish you would have told me that earlier. I have a trunkful of presents for both of you.”
“Debin,” Adeline calls, and I spin quickly to catch her as she runs into my arms. “Debin, Santa is coming back when I’m sleeping to bring more pwesents.”
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