The Art of Going Home (The Art of Living series Book 1)

by Nicole Sorrell

  I waited patiently without complaining. He cried until it grew too dark to see the mound of raw earth that marked the place where Angeline would spend eternity...

  The noise grew annoying. I groped for the remote, trying to click off the television that wasn’t on. I came awake and to my senses barely in time to grab my phone from the nightstand. Uncle José was calling to ask me to come over for an early dinner tomorrow with the whole family. I excitedly agreed when I heard that Aunt Marie was fixing chiles rellenos. Stuffed peppers were still my favorite.

  “Okay,” he said. “We’ll see you then. I’ll be sure to get a few bottles of wine for you.” I was too surprised to respond. After a second, he busted up laughing.

  Oooh, you’re going to make Zac pay for that. “I guess you already heard about last night?”

  “Yes, we heard you had quite a… uh… celebration.” He said. “You doing okay?”

  “After taking some painkillers, I’ve decided I’ll pull through,” I said in fake seriousness. He was snickering at me when I hung up.

  ~~~

  The knock on the door came at exactly six thirty. I’d hurried to get ready on time, not taking any chances I might be late. I had to salvage what was left of my dignity by proving my drunkenness of the previous night had had no lasting ill effects.

  Zac’s eyes crinkled in a smile when I opened the door, and my heart did a flip. I got lost for a while in him and nearly fainted when he gave me a quick kiss hello. Tabs was right. He knew exactly how handsome he was, and how to use it to his advantage. Oh well, it wasn’t like anyone could deny the fact that he’s one of the most gorgeous men on the planet.

  As we drove, he explained that our friends Jacob and Jennifer, along with Katie, were going to do a tailgate barbecue at the lake. They’d gone to the park earlier in the afternoon to stake out a good place to watch the fireworks, which would start right after it was fully dark. We’d join them at Jacob’s truck after dinner, along with Tabs and Randy.

  “We can stop to get you some wine on the way to the lake,” Zac teased.

  “Ha ha, very funny,” I said sarcastically. “Did you take out an advertisement in the paper, or was Uncle José the only one who got the scoop about last night.”

  “I’ve taken out a full page ad in this coming Sunday edition. You’ll be famous.”

  “And here I was afraid my fifteen minutes of infamy would never come.” I laughed.

  “Oh, I think someone as smart and sexy as you will get more than fifteen minutes.” His eyes smiled.

  “Maybe I’ll hire an agent to handle all the demands from my adoring public,” I said.

  “I’ll apply for the job of personal security. To maintain your privacy, I’ll need to do a lot of guarding of that cute little body of yours. I’ll serve all your needs. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.” He winked at me. I blushed, and my nipples stood at attention.

  “Sounds like I’d better hire your dad, too. I may need someone who’s licensed to carry a deadly weapon to control my security guard.”

  “Aw, baby, now you’ve hurt my feelings,” he said, pretending to pout. “I’m a black belt. My whole body is a deadly weapon.”

  In more ways than you know.

  He smiled with a keen light in his beautiful eyes as if he’d read my mind.

  ~~~

  Weaving through the maze of parked vehicles, Zac led me by the hand. We found our friends without too much difficulty. Tabs and Randy were already there. We all exchanged hugs, and I found that, under his T-shirt, Jacob was as skinny as he always had been growing up. His old nickname, Beanpole, was apt; he’d gotten it both for his physique and his proficiency at the pole vault on the track team.

  I grabbed a beer from the cooler and joined the girls. Jacob and Jennifer were engaged, and Katie was gushing about the wedding plans.

  “So, fill me in,” I said.

  Jennifer‘s thin freckled face broke into a grin that made her blue eyes squint. “The wedding is September nineteenth in the park,” Jennifer explained. “The groomsmen will wear tux jackets, not the kind with tails, with white western shirts, black cowboy hats, and black jeans and boots. Jacob’s hat will be white. I picked a floral fabric for the bridesmaids’ and flower girl dresses. They’ll be ankle length, and today I found lilac cowboy boots online that match perfectly! I’ll wear white boots, of course.”

  “It sounds beautiful!” Katie clasped her hands with enthusiasm. She hadn’t married the unreliable father of her two-year-old son, Ty, and dreamed of meeting and marrying a good man someday. The sooner the better.

  “You’ve got to come, Dash! It’s on a Saturday afternoon. If you can’t get time off work, you could fly in that morning and leave on Sunday,” Jennifer said. “It would be better if you could come on Friday and go to the bachelorette party.”

  “Thank you, I’d love to! I’ll check on getting vacation time when I get back to work.”

  Zac patted my shoulder. “I’m going back to my truck to get another blanket. Be right back.” When he turned, I heard a shrill voice that instantly made my toenails want to curl.

  “Why, hello, sweetheart! Imagine running into you here.” Elaine walked up to Zac, and Macy, her loyal sycophant since kindergarten, followed to stand by her side. Elaine’s hands locked onto his arm like a homing missile to a target. I could’ve sworn I saw honey dripping from her fangs. “Where are you headed?”

  “Did we ask you into our cool-ade? Mind your own business,” Tabs said caustically.

  Elaine bristled. “I thought Zac might enjoy spending some time in the company of someone who’s not a homicidal maniac,” she sneered.

  “Because he wants to be with you instead? That idea is as worthless as tits on a boar hog,” Tabs fired back.

  For the first time in my life, I didn’t shrink in shame at Elaine’s insinuations about my responsibility in Angeline’s death. I stepped up and looked her in the eye with newfound confidence.

  “I see you won’t talk to me directly about what’s on your mind, Elaine.” My voice was calm and low. “I want you to understand your hateful comments don’t upset me anymore. My family’s history isn’t a secret. My sister died. My mother’s grief loosened her grip on reality. I am not responsible for any of it. I don’t think you’ll convince anyone that I am. So, if you have anything to say, you can say it directly to me.” Elaine gaped at me, for once at a loss for words. “Go ahead. I’m waiting,” I purred, filled with an unfamiliar assurance that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

  Elaine whipped around to Zac, aghast. “Sweetheart, are you going to let her talk to me this way?”

  “Yes. And stop calling me sweetheart.” He brushed her hands off his arm.

  Elaine stiffened in indignation, crossed her arms, and tossed me a look of contempt. “I’m worried for you, Zac. I know you’re seeing her. I guarantee it will end badly if you get involved with Madisen Chandler.” Not satisfied with leaving any hurtful remark unspoken, she attacked me where I was most vulnerable. “She’ll turn out to be as insane as her mother. It’s true what they say, you know. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

  “Elaine, you are living proof of that,” Jacob said.

  ~~~

  Zac wedged my body under his, pinning me to the hotel room wall as he pushed the door closed with his foot. The suppressed desire between us had finally erupted. He pressed his mouth to mine, his tongue hungrily exploring. I almost burst from the euphoria of his drugging kisses. It aroused me more than anything or anyone else ever had.

  I moaned when he kissed down my neck to the edge of my blouse. When he started licking lower, I arched my back and gasped. My nipples were so swollen, they ached. I put my hands in his hair to encourage him to keep moving down.

  “My God, Maddie,” he sighed. “What you do to me.” With one hand on my rear, he pressed my hips tight against his stiff cock and, with the other hand, unbuttoned my shirt. He fumbled with the front clasp of my bra. I quickly unfastened it for him and arched more
, to encourage him to put his lips to my flesh again. He stopped to focus a reverent gaze on my breasts. I was relieved he seemed to appreciate their round fullness and small red tips.

  He stroked his fingers lightly from the top of my jeans to the delicate skin over my ribs, making me shiver. He barely touched his lips to a rosy nub, leisurely circling it with his tongue. When moist warmth finally massaged my swollen peak, I nearly came undone with the jolts of pleasure shooting between my thighs.

  “My God,” I groaned. “Zac.” The jolts turned into a throb that demanded attention.

  He stopped and looked at me with blatant desire. "Please, Maddie. Make love with me."

  Chapter 12

  MY AROUSAL IMMEDIATELY turned cold, and I jerked back. Love? Damn the arrogant bastard! My eyes narrowed in fury.

  “Oh, so you’ve decided that the time is right?” I said. “That we can make love now? Well, listen up, Zac. Every female in the entire county, or even the whole state of Missouri, might be willing to make love with you, but I'll be the one to decide if and when we're going to fuck.”

  He snatched his hands away from me as if I’d burned him. His jaw tightened, and he almost stumbled in his haste to back away. “Is that what you think I want from you? Just a fuck?” He was yelling now. “Are you that insecure? For God’s sake, Maddie! You better pull down those walls, because if you don’t let someone in soon, you’ll never be able to trust anyone. Is that the kind of life you want?"

  “I'm fine relying only on myself,” I seethed while hastily fastening my clothes. Diamonds could’ve been cut by the stare I lasered at him. Seeing my expression, he seemed to realize he’d gone too far. “Not one person in my life has been trustworthy, ” I said.

  His shoulders relaxed, and I saw it in his eyes. I knew it would happen. Eventually, he would see how damaged I was. I quickly averted my gaze to avoid seeing the pity or, worse than that, disgust. I didn’t anticipate how much it would sting. That made me incredibly angry, and my vision misted.

  “Not even Aunt Ceci?” he asked. “She couldn’t have loved you more if you were her own child. She was always there for you.” I deflated, helplessly turning my head to the side. "Hey," he whispered. He stepped forward and lifted up my chin, brushing a thumb across my cheek to wipe away the tear. He wrapped his fingers around the back of my neck and eased my forehead up to his. "You know you can trust me, don’t you?"

  “I’m afraid I can’t…” My whisper faded away as if the words refused to pass my lips. I saw the pain etched on his face as he abruptly spun toward the door.

  ...learn to trust. I took a breath. Zac stopped with his back to me. I couldn't force out the rest. Couldn't say it was me, not him. I kept my silence and let him walk away.

  ~~~

  I paced. For hours, alone in the hotel room, I strode back and forth. Zac deserves more than you can give him. I’d have to let him misinterpret what I’d intended to say. That was better than seeing him hurt later, after fighting to save a relationship that was doomed from the start because I was incapable of love. And what if Angeline’s voice drove me over the edge like it did Mother? I would never let him find out I might end up mentally ill. Though I could barely admit that to myself, I’d do anything to protect Zac from that heartache.

  I’d have to let him go no matter how starved I was for the unique comfort he seemed to be able to give me. We could stay friends. Maybe. Shit! Shit! Shit! Why did relationships have to be complicated?

  The silence in the room kept growing. I marched around, refusing to give in to the tears that were leaking out. With nothing else to do, I finally decided to go to bed. Once there, I couldn’t get comfortable. The pillow was too flat. The bed was hard. The room, stuffy. My nerves prickled. I felt like I needed to crawl out of my own skin.

  Finally, I took a cool shower to soothe my overheated body and overworked mind and climbed back into bed. I forced my eyes closed and breathed deeply. It was a long time before I fell into a light sleep. In it, I traveled back through the years to another night that made me similarly distraught…

  It was a Wednesday evening. I’d been crying for hours. Cried for so long that no tears were left. Even with Angeline’s reassuring hugs, I was unable to stop my dry sobs.

  Father got more and more angry, finally yelling, “Shut up. Shut the fuck up! There’s nothing to cry about. You’re fine.” When I couldn’t suppress my heaving, he propelled me outside and into the car.

  I woke up in a strange room filled with such bright sunlight it was blinding. Dr. Clark sat by my bed, rubbing my hand. I was tired. With grandfatherly kindness, the doctor asked me to wake up and talk to him. I did my best.

  “Why were you crying, Madisen? Were you hurt?” I shook my head. “Can you tell me what happened?” I kept shaking my head no… no… no, to all his questions. I’d wanted to go, to be home with my sister, and sleep.

  Right then, Mother bustled into the hospital room with Angeline. She was talking in that cajoling way she had, telling everyone that I was fine. Mother always pretended everything was fine.

  “Oh, she must have fallen,” she said. “It happens all the time. Madisen is so clumsy and difficult. I’ll take her home now, no need to bother anymore.”

  Once there, I snuggled in my bed with Angeline’s arms around me until slumber again carried me away.

  ~~~

  I forced myself to dress in my running gear. I was weary because I’d awakened early, and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I warmed up with stretches, preparing to do the same route as last time. I certainly needed it to sort through the confused jumble that had taken over my brain.

  Since I was tired, I was bombarded by all sorts of emotions. I felt overwhelmed once more. There was Aunt Ceci’s death; the stress of seeing Father again; Angeline’s murder; and all the memories and dreams from the past that had sprung up since my return. All of them eroded my ability to cope like a driving wind. In addition, there was Zac. He had me reeling in a psychological sandstorm.

  Disregarding the protests of my body, I started at a brisk pace. The air was heavy, and dark clouds were approaching from the west. As I was on the last mile, the air began to stir, and fat drops sprinkled while lightning flashed. Right after I stepped into my room, the rain started coming down in earnest.

  It had taken more effort than usual to finish the run; it had drained me. At least I had the satisfaction of accomplishing what I’d set out to do.

  I’d determined I could do nothing to diminish the pain of losing Aunt Ceci, and I tried not to dwell on the aching emptiness inside. It would take the passage of time to dull the bite of it.

  As far as my father was concerned, the best strategy was to stop reacting like a frightened child. After all, I hadn’t let him bully me at the restaurant. Of course, that had earned a violent response. Realistically, avoidance was the best way to deal with him. It had worked pretty well for the last ten years.

  What about all the unpleasant memories brought on by being back home? Shoving them out of my mind quickly, so I wasn’t dragged into emotional quicksand, seemed to be the one action I could take.

  And Zac? My decision to push him away was eating at me more than I thought possible. As much as I wanted to let myself take advantage of the passionate refuge he offered, I knew it was unfair to him. He’d inevitably end up getting hurt.

  When I got back to the room, my cell phone showed three missed calls. Zac had left two messages, and I deleted them without listening. The third was from Porsche, a friend from San Antonio who knew I was attending a funeral. She said hello and wanted to check in to see if I was okay. I texted her back instead of calling, saying I was touched that she’d thought of me and that I was doing fine. At that point, I wanted to pretend everything was going well, and I wouldn’t be able to keep up that lie if I spoke with her. I headed to the shower.

  To avoid the guilt of ignoring another call from Zac, I left my phone in the room when I darted through the rain to get coffee and a late breakfast. Despite the fact
that so many things were left unsaid between us, I convinced myself to leave things as they’d ended. That decision brought an incredible sadness.

  With wet hair, I sat alone and picked at my ham and egg sandwich with little appetite. I wished I could’ve had sushi. For some reason, I craved the punishing burn of wasabi. Around here, eating raw fish was about as desirable as contracting leprosy. It was believed that God made fish to be battered and fried. It should be served with coleslaw and hush puppies, not more than twice a month. Homegrown common sense dictated beef was the preferred source of protein, and it should generally be eaten with potatoes.

  At least drinking coffee was acceptable. Picking mine up, I jogged back to the room, dodging the sprinkles. Thankfully, there were no more messages or missed calls waiting for me.

  My unhappy frame of mind seemed to lead my memories to other gloomy things. I found myself thinking about the time Elaine had tied a dead cat to the inside of my locker door at school. When I’d yanked it open, she was noticeably disappointed that I hadn’t screamed when the bloody carcass flew at me. Wiping gore off my forehead, I’d quietly closed the locker and strolled as nonchalantly as I could to find the janitor so he could take it away. I’d been too proud to give her the satisfaction of seeing how much it had upset me.

  Chapter 13

  SNAP OUT OF IT, MADISEN. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. To break the morose mood, I treated myself to a nice bubble bath to soak my tired muscles. I turned off my phone and cranked up the volume of my favorite upbeat tunes.

  The bath was exactly what I needed. In a much better frame of mind, I got ready for dinner at three. Linda Marie picked me up after her shift at Casey’s; she knocked on my door twenty minutes late. We hurried over to Uncle José’s house under thin clouds that were parting to let the sun peek through.