A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  I looked at the waiter as he approached our table and set our salads in front of us. He also put down a basket of dinner rolls.

  “Look, Anise. I know you probably feel like I’m coming on too strong, but it’s hard not to. Being here with you is the highlight of my week. Hell, my year if you want to know the truth.”

  I was still speechless.

  He continued.

  “But if you don’t like me speaking to you this way, just tell me.”

  “It’s not that. It’s just that it’s hard for me to believe that you feel so strongly about us being together. I’m attracted to you too, but this is all a little scary for me. I’ve got a lot going on in my life right now, and I don’t want either of us to get hurt. I still have to deal with my divorce, and now this new problem at work.”

  “What new problem?” he asked.

  “This thing with Kelli getting that position.”

  “I know, but why do you say it’s a new problem.”

  “Because I’ve decided that I’m not going to let them get away with it. I found out that Kelli’s job is a level higher than mine, even though she’s not more qualified than I am. I’ve taken enough from Jim and Lyle, and I’m not going to do that anymore.”

  “I don’t blame you. I didn’t realize that there was a difference in the pay grade. So what exactly are you planning to do?”

  “First I want to gather as much information as I can about all Reed Meyers employees, so I can make comparisons of salaries, raises and promotions for women and minorities versus those of white employees,” I said, wondering if he was offended.

  “Are you able to get that from the system?”

  “No. That’s part of my problem. I have access to the manufacturing side of the system, but not corporate. So all I’m able to pull up is information on factory employees.”

  Frank didn’t say anything, but I knew he was best friends with the director of management information systems and could get me whatever I needed. I didn’t know if he’d be willing to put his job on the line for me or not, but that’s what I was counting on. There was a ton of other items and documents I needed to pull together, and access to the corporate system would help me more than anything else.

  “If you can get the information, what are you planning to do after that?” he asked.

  “I haven’t figured everything out, but I’m thinking I’ll compile a report with my findings and make certain demands. And if they don’t do what they’re supposed to, then I’m driving over to Chicago to file a complaint with EEOC. Then, if nothing happens with that, I’m going all the way with hiring an attorney to file a lawsuit.”

  “It’s too bad that you’re going to have to resort to all of this, but they deserve whatever they get, because they never should have discriminated against you. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that some white people believe it’s okay to act this way. The thing is, I know you were the most qualified person for that job they gave Kelli, and that your skin color is the only thing that prevented you from getting it. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but my gut feeling tells me that you were passed over twice on purpose.”

  “I know this isn’t going to be easy, but you do understand why I can’t just let them get away with what they’ve done to me?”

  “I understand clearly.”

  The waiter brought out our dinner and told us to enjoy. I scooped out a helping of potatoes and placed it on a small plate, then lifted some asparagus onto it.

  “So that’s where I stand with Reed Meyers,” I said.

  “And what about David? Do you really think it’s over for good?”

  “Actually, I do. It’s been over for longer than I care to remember.”

  “And you don’t think there’s any chance that you might reconcile?”

  “No, it’s definitely over, but I’m hoping the legal part of this won’t take forever because of property.”

  “Hopefully it won’t.”

  Our conversation turned to his position at Reed Meyers and how Lyle and Jim were no longer discussing the idea of Frank being promoted to VP. I wondered why, the same as he, but there was no telling what the reason was. There was no way to tell why Lyle and Jim did any of the things they did on any day of the week. They basically did what was convenient for them, and everyone else had to live with it.

  After dinner, Frank drove back to Marengo in record time, because the traffic had returned to normal. This time the parking lot at the truck stop wasn’t too full, so he pulled next to my SUV and shut his off. I opened the door, but he told me to wait. He came around to open the door the rest of the way and helped me step out.

  “So did you have a good time?” he asked, facing me as we stood between cars.

  “I really did. It was wonderful, and I’m glad we were finally able to do it.”

  “So am I, and I hope we can do this again.”

  “I’m sure we will.”

  “You’re not just saying that?” he asked.

  “No. I’m serious. I don’t know when, but soon.”

  “What about tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know about that. We’ll see,” I said, but I knew I really wanted to. At the beginning of the evening I’d thought my main reason for going out with him was so he could help me obtain the confidential information I needed, but now I knew it didn’t matter whether he did or not. There was something very real going on between us, and it was time for me to admit that I hadn’t felt this strongly about any man, not even David.

  “Just let me know tomorrow. That is, unless you want to call me tonight when you get home.”

  “I think I’d better go before it gets too late,” I said, ignoring his suggestion about phoning him.

  “So is it okay for me to kiss you good night?”

  I felt awkward again. It was like we were sharing illegal chemistry. No matter how I tried to forget about David, I couldn’t forget about the vows we’d taken before God six years ago.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t think so,” I said regretfully. I wanted to oblige his request, but I couldn’t will myself to do it.

  “I understand, but you can’t blame me for trying.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, and sat inside my vehicle.

  He closed the door. I started my engine, threw my gear in reverse and drove away.

  I watched him through my rearview mirror and saw him still standing there in the dark. My heart ached, because I’d passed up the opportunity of being held by a man who wanted me.

  I drove all the way back to Mitchell imagining how his lips would have felt against my own.

  CHAPTER 18

  OF ALL THE APPOINTMENTS in the world, I don’t know how I could have forgotten my annual pap smear. I hadn’t remembered until I woke up this morning, and although I wanted to cancel, I knew it would take three months to get in if I rescheduled. My gynecologist was always booked three to four months out for yearly exams, and the only way a patient could see her sooner was if they had an urgent situation that needed immediate attention.

  I arrived at her office just before 9:15 A.M. and made it to work by 10:30. Now it was 11:00, and I’d decided to go see if I could find Lorna in one of the training rooms.

  I walked toward the corporate HR section and saw Jim and Kelli laughing with each other in a way that implied intimacy. They stopped when they saw me passing, but I didn’t bother speaking to either one of them. I didn’t even offer them the phony smile I would have given them before today. I wasn’t in the mood for any insincere conversations, so I kept the pep in my step and pretended I didn’t see them.

  I entered the training room and saw the class participants gathering their belongings and making preparations to leave. I was glad the class was over, because I needed to speak with Lorna in private. I’d thought about waiting until later, but there was something I needed to know before I came straight out and asked Frank to help me with what I was planning to do. I needed to know if Lorna had any additional information that could he
lp prove that Reed Meyers had practically made discrimination part of the company’s mission statement. We’d had conversations regarding this in the past, but now I needed her to tell me everything she knew to increase my ammunition.

  “Looks like I caught you just in time,” I said.

  “Yeah, I guess,” she said, but didn’t stop what she was writing to look at me.

  “How many more classes do you have to teach today?”

  “I have no idea. I haven’t even looked at my afternoon schedule.”

  I started replaying the last few days in my mind, trying quickly to figure out why Lorna was treating me so coldly. She’d never done this before, and for the life of me, I couldn’t guess what was going on now.

  I looked around the room and saw the last employee walking toward the door.

  “Excuse me, Clifford. Would you please close the door on your way out?”

  “Sure,” he agreed.

  “Thanks,” I said, and turned back toward the person who was my only true female friend here at the company.

  “Lorna, what’s wrong with you?”

  “What’s wrong with me? No, the question is, what’s wrong with you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about the fact that you’ve been keeping things from me.”

  “Keeping things from you like what?”

  “You know what I’m talking about, Anise.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  My defense mechanisms were kicking in, and I was growing angrier by the minute.

  “Yeah, I think you do,” she said.

  “If I had something to tell you, then I would.”

  “Then why didn’t you tell me that you’ve been fucking my boss?”

  I was mortified.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, although I knew I’d heard her loud and clear.

  “Where did you get an idea like that?”

  “If you’re going to meet Frank undercover, I suggest you do it somewhere a lot farther away than the Marengo truck stop.”

  My heart must have stopped for a few seconds because I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “I left right after work driving over to Spring Hill Mall in Dundee and stopped at the truck stop to get some gas and cigarettes on the way,” she continued. “And who did I see pulling up? Frank. And then I saw you step out of your truck and get into his.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Lorna. It wasn’t planned before yesterday morning. And all we did was go to dinner in Schaumburg. But under no circumstances did we sleep together.”

  “Well, actually, it’s none of my business if you did or didn’t, is it?”

  “You know what, Lorna? You’re right. It’s not your business. And I resent your attitude, because my personal life doesn’t have a damn thing to do with you.”

  I left the table where Lorna was sitting and headed toward the door.

  “My feelings were hurt, Anise,” she blurted out.

  “Hurt why?” I asked, turning to look at her.

  “Because I thought you and I were such close friends. I thought we told each other everything. I’ve told you things about my life that I’ve never told another living soul, and I guess I expected the same from you.”

  She was right in one respect. She did tell me everything except what color panties she had on. She’d probably even tell me that too, if I wanted to know, but that’s just how open she was. I, on the other hand, wasn’t. Even Monica and my mother didn’t know about my dinner with Frank. Sometimes certain things needed to be kept private, and I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

  “We are good friends, Lorna, but given my marital situation and the fact that Frank is a director here at the company, I thought it was best to keep our relationship between the two of us. Because you know most people around here wouldn’t be too thrilled if they found out that he’s interested in me.”

  “That doesn’t bother me, and you know it. But what hurt is that you’ve been so busy with your new job, we haven’t really been able to talk hardly at all.”

  “We’ve seen each other every day,” I said, trying to figure out where all this was coming from.

  “Yeah, but it’s not the same. I’ve come into your office a couple of times, but you always get a phone call while I’m in there, and I end up having to leave while you’re still talking. And I don’t think you spoke to me yesterday at all, so when I saw you with Frank, it really hurt me.”

  “But why?”

  “Because I felt excluded. I’m the one who’s been here for you through all of this Jim-and-Lyle bullshit, and now you’re ditching me to be with Frank.”

  “My friendship with you hasn’t changed, and it’s completely different from my relationship with Frank, anyway. And I guess I’m a little confused too, because I’m not understanding why this is bothering you so much.”

  “Did you ever once stop to think that maybe I might be interested in Frank?”

  “No, because you’ve never told me anything like that before.”

  “You’ve heard me talk about how good he looks.”

  “Yeah, but you say that about a lot of men, so how was I supposed to know that you were interested in Frank? And even when we’ve discussed him casually, you’ve never said one word.”

  “I know. Shoot me for not telling you. But I’ve always been interested in him, and I guess I’m a little envious because he wants you.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, Lorna. I didn’t know.”

  “I know you didn’t, but it just seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t have a serious relationship with anyone. Because here you are married, and still you’ve got someone else who wants to be with you.”

  I didn’t know whether I should tell her that David and I were getting a divorce or not. Maybe it would make her feel better. But I couldn’t be sure. She seemed so irrational, and while we were supposed to be friends, I was terrified that she might blab this thing between Frank and me to someone else. Maybe if I told her, she would find some confidence in our friendship again.

  “David and I are separated, and we’re getting divorced.”

  “Oh no.”

  “I didn’t tell you because this has been too hard for me to talk about with anyone.”

  I was only being partly truthful, but I hoped the reason I gave her would suffice.

  “I didn’t know, and I’m really sorry to hear that. And I’m sorry for saying what I said about you and Frank earlier. I was completely out of line.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” I added.

  I didn’t know why I was apologizing, but something told me I’d better handle Lorna like expensive crystal. She seemed like a time bomb waiting to explode and the funny thing was, I didn’t know why. She seemed different, twisted even, but maybe it really was because she’d wanted Frank for herself. Now, though, I knew our friendship was never going to be the same, and that I had to make sure to tell Frank that she’d seen us in Marengo. She was the last person I would have ever worried about, but now she had the potential of being the top whistle-blower. She’d told me why she was so upset, but it didn’t make any sense. It was almost as if she’d turned into someone I didn’t know in a matter of minutes, and I didn’t understand it.

  “So what are you going to do about this Kelli situation?” she asked, changing the subject.

  “I haven’t quite decided, but I will very soon.”

  The whole reason I’d come in there was to ask her about some of the things that had happened with certain employees before I came to work at Reed Meyers. But now I wasn’t going to question her about anything. I just didn’t trust her, so it was better to leave well enough alone.

  “I still say you should go to EEOC first thing next week.”

  “We’ll see. I want to think everything through before going forward with anything.”

  “It’s your call, but if it were me, I wouldn’t let them get away with it.”

  She kept saying that, but she’d allowed Jim to
get away with sexually harassing her. I wasn’t going to dare contradict what she was suggesting, though.

  “Hey, I hate to run,” I said, “but I’ve got to get back to work.”

  “Maybe I’ll see you later?”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  I made it back to my office and closed the door behind me. I saw my message-waiting light blinking and dialed into the voice-mail system to listen to my messages. The first was from Monica, wanting to know where I was last night and why I hadn’t called her when I got in. The second was from Mom, saying she was planning to call me last night but didn’t get home from summer revival until after ten.

  I was happy she hadn’t called, because I would have felt guilty about not telling her where I’d been. I wasn’t going to call Monica either, because it was better to tell her about Frank in person. I’d tell her and Mom both face-to-face, but on different days because I knew they didn’t agree on the subject. Mom wouldn’t care that Frank was white, but she would care about the fact that I wasn’t divorced from David.

  So when I listened to my third message and heard that it was from Frank, I decided to call him instead.

  “Good morning, Frank Colletti’s office,” his secretary answered.

  “Good morning. Is he in?”

  “Sure, may I tell him who’s calling?”

  “Yes, this is Anise Miller.”

  “Oh, hi, Anise. I’ll put you right through.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Hi, beautiful,” he said.

  “Why is your secretary answering your phone? Not that a director shouldn’t have someone answering his phone, but you’ve always answered your own calls in the past.”

  “I know. I hate that formal garbage these other managers try to pull, but today I’m working on an important project and don’t want to be disturbed unless I have to.”

  “Well, then how did I get through?”

  “Because I told her that I was waiting on you to call me about some new training ideas you had for some of the factory employees.”