by Ruby Dixon
I rub my chest again, frowning in the direction of the women.
Jo-see looks over and sees my scowl and flinches.
Her reaction only makes me scowl harder.
“So that’s why we’re here,” Jo-see says. “If we can remove our khuis, then we can get rid of the resonance. That’s why Haeden was able to resonate to me - his old one that chose his last mate is gone.”
“It is wrong,” Rukh says, looking over at me as if daring me to disagree.
“I will do what Jo-see wants,” I say flatly and am rewarded with a brilliant smile from my mate. My khui hums louder with pleasure, unaware of what we discuss.
“It’s not our decision to make, Rukh,” Har-loh says in a sweet voice. Her wide-eyed gaze flicks between me and Jo-see. “I wish I could help, but the ma-sheen is still broken.”
Jo-see’s face falls with disappointment. “W-what?”
I stagger with relief. My hands clench into fists at my side. Jo-see’s sadness is terrible to see, but my own joy is nearly overwhelming me. She cannot un-choose me.
She will remain mine.
JOSIE
“Look,” Harlow says, pulling out a panel in the medical bay. “I can fix a lot of stuff, but I’ve been working on this particular beast for a long time and I’m not getting anywhere.” She holds a square out to me and then pulls out a second. “These are supposed to be identical.”
I compare the one in my hands to the one in her hand. It’s charred in a few spots and the middle looks a bit like melted frosting. All the tiny, glittering components have melted together and smooshed into a silvery mess. Disappointment flares inside me. “This isn’t an easy fix, is it?”
“Nope. I don’t even know how they made these particular parts, so replacing them - if we can even replace them - is going to be a real bitch.” She slides her square back into the wall and then carefully takes the panel from me and replaces it. “I’m not giving up, but it’s going to take time.”
Time’s something I feel like I don’t have. I fight back tears of frustration. “How long? Weeks? Months?” Just the thought of holding out for a few more months makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
The look Harlow gives me is sympathetic. “Maybe longer, girl. I don’t know. I try to do what I can but this is alien technology. If I can’t plug part A into slot B, I might not be able to do anything. What I can do is pretty basic. And my time to work on things is limited, between Rukh and Rukhar, and day to day chores. There’s not a ton of time to fiddle with machines, no matter how much I want to.”
She’s right. Of course she’s right. There’s so many additional chores to daily living that they eat up a lot of day. You can’t just buy a new shirt from a store - you have to hunt the animal, cure the leather, cut it and sew it before you can wear it. Everything on Not-Hoth takes six steps instead of one, and it eats up the day. I know Harlow’s trying, but the thought of waiting months or longer? I can’t. I don’t have that time.
I put a hand on my forehead, trying to think. I can hear Rukh and Haeden talking quietly in the next room - I know they’re close because my cootie is purring madly. It won’t stop.
There’s only one way to make things stop if I can’t get my cootie out of me. Unease clenches my stomach. Sex with Haeden.
Sex with someone that hates me. Ugh.
I’ve had bad sex in the past. I’ve been abused by foster parents, raped by aliens, and gone on terrible dates where things got out of hand. I’ve made bad choices and I’ve had others’ bad choices thrust on me. I’ve survived it all. I can live if I have awful, unpleasant, unwanted sex again.
But the thought of bringing a child into this? It feels so wrong.
I’m trapped. I don’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry,” Harlow says. Her hand touches mine. “I really do wish I could help.”
“It’s okay. I’ll think of something.” I don’t know what, but there’s got to be a way out of this.
* * *
I retreat to one of the old rooms of the ship, just to get away from the others. Harlow’s busy with the baby and a jigsaw of components, and Rukh and Haeden are preparing food near the fire. I don’t feel like talking or holding the baby - for once - so I hide away where I can have some time to myself to think.
The back of the ship isn’t in use. Harlow and Rukh stay to the front, and the sa-khui never go exploring deep into the bowels. They don’t trust the ship, especially since the ‘walls’ (doors) started opening and revealing new passages. I head down one of these now, climbing up a pair of metal stairs that have withstood the test of time and moving down a narrow hall. The floor is pitted with holes and weak in some spots, wires and cables hanging from the ceiling. There’s a chilly breeze moving through the air that tells me the hull has been breached somewhere close by. But it’s quiet, and it’s private.
It’s also eerie.
There are traces that people used to live here - a forgotten scrap of clothing that’s nearly rotted away. An old circular canister whose meaning I can’t decipher. Something that looks like it was once a child’s toy. I touch nothing, feeling the need to exist here without disturbing things. I don’t want to dig up the past, I just want to make sense of the chaos in my head.
I sit on the edge of a hard cot that juts from one of the metal walls. If there was ever a mattress here, it’s long rotted away. There is debris and a bit of dirt in the corners of the oversized square, and I run my gloved hand over it before lying down and staring up at the ceiling. There are cracks that let the light in, and a large chunk of black metal looks as if it’s about to fall inward, but I don’t move.
If fate’s going to dick me over, well, it can’t be any worse than it is right now.
Haeden’s my mate. I taste the words on my tongue and find I still can’t reconcile myself to them. I’ve been sick for nearly a month now due to fighting my cootie, and I’m so tired. So exhausted in both mind and body. The cootie won’t let me rest. I’m constantly twitching and aware - even in my sleep - and I can’t relax. My pussy aches, something I’ve never really experienced before. Not the ache of abuse but a deep down, empty, gnawing ache as if I need to be filled.
According to the cootie, I guess I do. I need to be filled first by Haeden, and then by the baby he’s going to leave inside me. Wordless frustration spirals through me, but I force it back.
I’ve already had my night of tears. I won’t let myself have more. I need a solution. So I lie back and think of options.
I…really don’t have any.
I’ve tried denying my cootie. I’ve been doing that for the last month, and it’s gotten me nowhere but exhausted and wrung-out. On some days, I don’t feel strong enough to get out of bed. I can’t go on like this forever. So that’s a big X.
I can’t get my cootie out of my chest safely. Not without the surgery machine, which is currently busted. So that’s not an option.
I could…kill Haeden.
I giggle a little wickedly at the thought. Okay, I totally couldn’t kill Haeden. Not only is he stronger than me, I would never be able to live with myself if I harmed another person. I’m not like that. And I don’t hate him. I just hate being attached to him.
What option does that leave?
Just one, I’m afraid.
I swallow hard, thinking about being mated to Haeden. One night of unpleasant sex with a man that scorns me and makes me feel like less? I could live through it. I don’t want it, of course, but I’ve had worse and I’ve lived through it. It’s what comes next that scares me.
There’s a big plus to giving in. A baby. I hug my arms to my chest and imagine my belly filled with a new life. I imagine a baby of my own to cuddle and love. My heart aches with want. I’d love a child. I’d love one so badly. All my life, there’s never been anyone or anything that’s loved me unconditionally. I was tossed from foster home to foster home for as long as I could remember, and I’ve never had a pet. A child as sweet as Liz’s chubby Raashel would be amazing.
I’d even take a little crankmonster like Harlow’s Rukhar, because when he gives that droopy baby smile, you feel like your entire world brightens.
A baby. My cootie wants me to have a baby. Tears threaten to come to my eyes, and I feel a surge of want and love so strong that my cootie immediately starts purring, no doubt thinking Haeden is in the room.
And that brings me back down to earth.
Haeden.
If I give in to the resonance - and everything in my body is just about to give out, so it’s not looking like I have a choice - I’m going to be considered his mate. His wifey. I’ll be tied to him forever and ever. I’ll be stuck with him looking at me with scorn every day for the rest of my life. His irritated snort of derision every time I speak up. He’ll break me down until I’m nothing.
And that’s the life I’ll bring my baby into.
A yearning ache fills my breast. I was never loved by my parents, given up for adoption at the age of two. I’ve always dreamed of the fantasy of a real family and a happy ever after. That one day, all the bad shit I’ve gone through will be behind me, and it’ll be worth it because I’ll have nothing but happiness for the rest of my life.
It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s just a dream. That I’m giving up on everything I’ve ever hoped for.
My back aches from the hard bed and I shift, trying to get comfortable. As I do, a bit of dust falls onto my face and I cough, sitting up. Not the most comfortable place to relax. I gaze around the room, vaguely irritated that I’ve come to no decision.
As I do, I start to feel guilty. There’s a seat built into one of the walls across from me, and it’s large and obviously sa-khui sized and not human sized. There’s a door off to the side and while it’s mostly collapsed, I imagine it to lead to a private bathroom, again sa-khui sized. What was it the computer called their people?
Sakh. Right.
They didn’t want to come here. From what I remember of the stories Georgie told me, they were going on a nature retreat to another planet - or something along those lines - when they crashed here and couldn’t leave.
They didn’t have a choice in how their lives went from there. They just sucked it up and carried on. They made do. They had children, and they lived their lives, and they did the best they could with what they’d been given.
I smooth one glove over my furry leggings, thinking.
Maybe I need to suck it up, too. Maybe I need to accept that, like the alien ancestors that crashed here, we don’t always get a choice in our future, and we need to make the best of things.
That means taking Haeden to my bed and getting rid of the resonance problem. It means hitching my wagon to his for the rest of my life, and while that doesn’t sound fun…right now I’m not exactly having fun, either.
And there will be a baby. I want that baby. If nothing else, I’ll have a child to love and cuddle, a child of my own.
Hello, silver lining.
I get to my feet, and nearly collapse again. My legs are weak and trembling, another side effect of the stupid resonance. I just want to feel strong again. I want to not want Haeden anymore. All the lust I feel for him? It’s artificial. It’s meaningless, and I hate that it controls me.
But…maybe it won’t be so bad if he is a good kisser. No one ever seems to kiss me, and I’d love for just one really wonderful kiss. I don’t think I’ll get it from Haeden, but I can’t help but hope a little.
Time to get this show on the road, I guess. I suck in a deep breath, hold on to the wall for support, and choose my path.
7
HAEDEN
Jo-see is gone for much of the afternoon, and her absence gnaws at me. I know she is in bowels of the Elders’ Cave, and she is safe, but I want to see her. I need to. Rukh, luckily, is not talkative, and we enjoy a companionable, if surly, silence between us as we sharpen weapons and tend to the fire. I feel as if I should be doing something - hunting, watching over Jo-see, providing for her, taking care of her needs - but I remain by the fire and tend to my things instead, waiting for her. A hunter’s life is such that he must always be repairing his gear. There are always fish hooks to be made out of bone, a spear-head gone blunt with use that must be sharpened, knives that must have their edges honed, nets to be repaired, straps that have grown weak with use, and shoes to be mended. Normally I find comfort in the endless chores, but today it makes me impatient.
I snap a delicate fish hook with my fingers and snarl, casting the shards into the coals of the fire. “Ridiculous.”
Rukh looks over at me with a narrow-eyed gaze.
I glare at him. He says nothing, but I can imagine what he is thinking. That is the third fish hook I have carved - and broken - in a row. My focus is on anything but the tasks before me. Instead, I worry about Jo-see. She has been gone for a long time. Did she hurt herself? Fall? Is she bleeding and in trouble even now? I surge to my feet. “I need to go.”
“Go where?” Rukh pokes at the fire and turns the spit, roasting a quill-beast. His mate likes her meat charred and most of the supplies here are cooked beyond inedible to a sa-khui tongue, but Rukh does not seem to mind. His Har-loh is happy and that is all that matters to him.
I toss aside my carving knife. “Anywhere. I—“
I stop. Jo-see is in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. She’s watching me, her gaze on my face. As our eyes meet, she gives me a tentative smile.
My khui flares to life, thrumming hard in my chest. Its song is wildly desperate, and my blood pounds in my ears, my weakened body unable to cope with my khui’s excitement. My cock stiffens in my breechcloth and I adjust myself with one quick hand, my tail flicking.
“Can we…can we talk?” Jo-see takes a step forward, her hair spilling over her shoulder. She looks vulnerable and beautiful all at once and my body hungers with the need to touch her. She’s looking at me as she speaks, and it feels as if the first time in almost a moon, she is seeing me.
I feel a surge of triumph deep in my bones.
She has come to accept the resonance.
Rukh grunts and gets to his feet, though I am barely aware of his presence. “I go check on my mate.” He tosses aside the fire-stick, glances at us, and then leaves the room, hitting a panel on the wall. The wall seems to close together and slides shut behind him.
We are alone, and I inhale deeply, filling my nostrils with her sweet scent.
My mate is coming to me.
My mate.
My khui hums even louder as she takes a few tiny steps in my direction. She looks fragile and hesitant, yet she is moving toward me. This is good. I force myself to remain still as she approaches. If I grab at her, I will lose her. I clench my fists at my side, determined to remain motionless, even though my khui is all but frantic in my breast. It senses her nearness and grows wild.
She moves forward and then stops, brushing a lock of her long hair back behind an ear. “I…” she pauses and licks her lips. I stare at the pink flash of tongue, my cock aching unbearably at the sight. Humans have smooth tongues, I have been told. At first I was repulsed by the thought, but now I imagine Jo-see’s small tongue on my skin and nearly spend in my loincloth.
“Yes?” I growl the word.
Jo-see blinks, a little startled, and then rubs her arms. “So…remember when we talked? And I said I would never give in?” Her gaze drops and she gives a small little sigh. “I can’t hold out any longer. This is me…giving in. You win.”
I frown at her words, not entirely certain I understand. She is speaking the human tongue, and there are some words I do not grasp. “Win?” The image that comes to mind is of conquest, not of matings. “How do I win?”
“I’m crawling to you.” She spreads her hands. “I give up. I can’t fight this thing any longer.” Her eyes are curiously shiny, but she puts a tight smile on her face.
This…is not how I imagined her coming to me. In my dreams - and there have been many - her eyes are heavy-lidded with lust and she runs her hands on my
chest, as if unable to stop from touching me. In my dreams, she is eager to give in to the khui’s song. The woman before me seems…defeated.
But my khui is singing a powerful song, and my body is excited. I reach out, hesitant at first, to see if she will shy away. When she does not, I touch a lock of her long, smooth mane and let it move through my fingers, soft like water. “You wish to be my mate, Jo-see?” My voice is husky with need, and my cock strains against my loincloth. If she moves any closer, she will feel it for herself. The thought makes me absurdly aroused.
“Honestly? No. I don’t want it. I don’t want you.” She gives a small shake of her head. “But…” her hands go over her chest, where her own khui is humming frantically. “I can’t…I can’t do this anymore. I feel like we’re stuck treading water and just getting weaker and weaker. The sur-jree ma-sheen is no longer an option, so…this will have to do.”
She speaks a lot of human words, and I vaguely hear them, but I’m focused on her soft hair instead, dragging my fingers through it again and watching it ripple.
Finally, she will let me touch her.
“So, um, should we find someplace private to do this?” Her voice sounds choked.
I nod. I would take her on the floor, right here, right now - but I understand that humans value quiet places where they can be alone to mate. I try to think of all of the things the other human-mated males have said around the fire - how they like to be held, what pleases them - but all I can think of is the steady throbbing hum of my khui in my breast, Jo-see’s nearness, and the ache in my body that is about to be slaked at last.
She moves away, and I walk behind her. She could lead me off a cliff and in this moment? I would follow gladly. Jo-see heads into the depths of the cave, turning down a passage I have never been in, and then stops in front of the wall. She pushes a button and the wall slides back, revealing a chamber. I twitch, uneasy at the sight of the moving wall, but when she moves in, I follow anyhow. If it is not safe, better that I am with her.