I guess dad realized he wasn't going to get anything coherent out of me at this point because he laid me back on the couch, covered me with grandma's old afghan, patted my head a few times before kissing my forehead.
"Sleep Suzette, you look plain tuckered out we'll talk whenever you're ready."
As I dropped off into the sweet abyss my last thoughts were of him, my sweet Gage, my heart. I cried myself to sleep once more, hoping against hope that when I woke up my world would be put back together again.
Chapter 11
I slept for quite a while seeing as how I hadn't slept much in the past week. I had been going on autopilot ever since this shit storm had come down on my head. If only my fans could see me now, I looked like my on screen character at her worst, well maybe not as bad but pretty close. I drew Gages' hoodie that I had filched that last day tighter around me. His scent still lingered faintly and was my only solace in this world of chaos, what had possessed me to grab it on that morning when I was making runs is
beyond me. It was as though some sixth sense had led me to grab it from the chair next to our bed where he had dropped it so carelessly just earlier that day. I had been wearing it for the past eight days for comfort, his scent was slowly fading and I was beginning to panic, when that was gone that would be the last of him I had left. I started to fold myself back into a ball of despair until I heard the gruff rumblings of my two older brothers. My heart squeezed in my chest at the thought of seeing them. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in their eyes, I had spoken to mom briefly that first day but as usual she was no help, her life in New York with her high powered husband kept her too occupied apparently to deal with her daughter's life falling apart at the seams.
Jonas and Joshua were two years older at twenty-four and though I knew the twins loved me I also knew their views on what they called Hollywood's whoredom. They had warned me time and again about falling into a life of debauchery, which seemed to be their biggest fear when I had first gone off to be an actress. No one else from our little town had ever made that trek before as far as I could tell, but when my local theatre director had spouted off about my potential and hooked me up with his contacts in the business I had been sucked in. Imagine my surprise when a year and a half later I met the most amazing boy man who happened to come from a city not too far away from where I’d grown up. For me it was love at first sight his crazy bronze tinged hair, jade green eyes and that smirk grin that melted my insides all came together to knock me off my feet. The fact that he returned those feelings was my one in a million lottery win and we'd been together ever since, until a week ago when I had stupidly thrown it all away. But how had I though? I still didn't understand, my mind wouldn't let me revisit my perfidy, every time I tried I felt darkness overtake me and a panic attack coming on. The last few days have been like Dante's seven levels of hell, and I had visited every last one. The worst part wasn't what the news media and the tabloids were saying, it was calling Gage and being ignored first and then calling and being cussed out and hung up on. He had to know what that would do to me, he knew I could barely stand for him to be a little put out with me farther more to just cut me off. It leveled me is what it did, it ended my whole world. For the past three years no matter what was going on, no matter the ups and downs he was my one constant; in the midst of any turmoil I would remember that I was going home to him and nothing else would matter. Now my security was gone, I was an open festering wound with no salve in sight. Would these tears ever end would I ever be whole again? I haven't felt whole since my publicist Karen called and told me about those pictures, right back stage at the awards show, everything had been going so well that night, in fact that whole day, but with one phone call she had shattered my existence. I remember my limbs going weak, my head spinning and my body breaking out in a cold sweat. I had found Gage right away and told him, what, I'm not quite sure. I just remember pleading with him not to leave me. I remember also the look on his face and in his beautiful eyes; oh will I ever forget the devastation I had seen there? He had stayed still until he uttered those final words that had crushed what was left of the girl I had been. " Don't come home." Those were the words he had spat at me as he looked at me as though he could kill me with his bare hands. Those were the last words he said to me until the last couple days when he would swear at me over the phone. Gage swore a lot but in all the time we'd been together, no matter how angry I had made him, he never once called me names. He was my protector my shield from all those harsh realities that a little small town innocent like me wasn't ready for. Now he was gone and I didn't know where to begin to pick up the pieces, I'd even tried calling his family not for their support obviously, but just for someone to hear my side, but Connie had been so vile I had barely come away with my heart intact.
How did I go from America's darling to this? What kind of cosmic joke was at play here? Maybe I would wake up and this would've all been a dream. I sniffed the last dregs of Gage's scent from the sleeve of his hoodie as I rocked myself back and forth on my dad's old worn couch. With no other recourses left to me I did what I had been doing for the past week, I texted him knowing there would be no reply, but it was somewhat cathartic for me to do it, in some small way it was a connection to him. My heart hurt and the tears flowed as I heard my family heading into the living room where I was hiding. "I love you Bubby, please forgive me." Send.
Chapter 12
The strings of Gotye's somebody that I use to know alerted me to an incoming text. Two guesses as to who that was from. It was amazing what you could come up with at three in the morning when you were feeling pissed off and mean. Bubby. That was her pet name for me, it was derived from some old world endearment that she had learned from her grandmother, or at least that's what she’d told me for all I know it could be Russian for sucker. Angry much Gage? This talking to myself shit was a fucking hoot but I digress, the family was harping at me about talking to her. I had finally broken down and told Brian to give James the go ahead to do an in depth investigation into what the fuck had happened. I knew that fucker would leave no stone unturned.
It was only after a long talk with my sister, where she pointed out the incongruity of Suzette's actions to me that I relented a little. She raised some doubts that I had had fleetingly but was too pissed to examine. I was waiting for word from James before I made a move; already I knew she was home in the next town over with her father a short one-hour drive away. Knowing she was that close brought me comfort and that pissed me the fuck off too, why should I care that she was here where I could get to her without the specter of the asshole paparazzi lingering behind every bush waiting to ambush us? Because if there was one thing I knew it was that Captain Steve Sorenson would never allow those fucks in his town, especially not if they were there to hound his beloved daughter.
Bubby, I was her Bubby and she was my butterfly. Suzette had convinced herself that she wasn't the beauty that me and the rest of the world perceived. She'd told me about her life growing up in the small town where she had been the shy book nerd who didn't shine until she was on a stage. She was the clumsiest person I knew, the girl could trip over her own feet, but put her up on a stage or in front of a camera and she broke out of her cocoon and shone like the brightest star. "Please forgive me."
I think those words were what drove me over the edge, why would she need forgiveness if nothing happened? This wasn't wild speculation from the tabs, these were her own words sent to me privately again and again.
My stomach rolled again as I envisioned the pictures of him standing behind her, her small frame enclosed in his arms. As long as I live I will never be able to erase that shit from my mind. I felt anger building once again as I fought to hold onto my sanity once more. Being here was helping though I could already feel it. With my family hammering away at me and having other people's opinions circulating in my head instead of just my own fuckery went a long way to easing some of the pain that had had a choke hold on me for the last little while.
I looked at her text one last time before deleting I wasn't ready yet. I happened to hear a snippet of an entertainment news broadcast as I was heading downstairs, of course yours truly was the topic of conversation, who the fuck was on this time of day? Fuck my life.
Jonas and Joshua sat on either side of me on the couch. Neither said anything just stared as though waiting for something. I turned to Joshua the oldest by all of three minutes but who played the big brother to the hilt.
"Joshua..." I broke.
"Sssssh, baby sis it's gonna be okay, hush now." When he enfolded me in his strong arms I felt the first real relief I'd felt in a long long time. They weren't the arms I needed but I would take this little bit of comfort for myself.
I wondered fleetingly how anyone overcame this pain, it felt as though it consumed every part of me, my very pores felt saturated with pain, I breathed in pain and kept it inside.
"Dad says you're not ready to talk but we just wanted you to know we're here for you."
I felt the comfort of Jonas's hand as he rubbed my lower back. The feeling of love and acceptance helped to keep the storm at bay.
"That's right sis, we're here if you need us."
I could hear the anger in Jonas's voice always the more volatile of the two I didn't know if that anger was directed at me or the situation in general, and quite honestly I was in no frame of mind to find out.
"Have you spoken to Gage?"
Oh dad; my chest concaved as I bawled even louder.
"I guess not." That was his cryptic answer.
"Breathe Suzette, come on now, breathe for me."
I was a ball of agony in my brother's lap. The pain of my heart too overpowering for my five two frame to bear.
"Enough of this shit, I'm calling Maddox and straightening this shit out."
"Jonas..."
" To hell with that dad, they were together for almost four years and he just tossed her aside like garbage because of this? He of all people should know how shit like this can be manufactured, everyone knows all about how shit can be doctored to look like something it's not."
"Son we don't know that it's not real Suzette hasn't said anything yet."
"I don't care, that's not my little sister my sister would never do such a fucked up thing."
"Language boy..."
I wailed so loud I thought the rafters would fall on us. I knew I didn't deserve his faith in me one more person betrayed by me.
How had I become this person? When did I lose myself and not even know it? Please let me die, I want to die, I can't do this anymore, no more, please no more. There was a flurry of movement all around me as the men in my family fought to calm my severe panic attack.
"Suzie please calm down please." My father held me in his arms having snatched me from Joshua's in fear. He rocked me back and forth like a child; I don't remember him doing that since I was about five. He alternated playing with my hair and rubbing my back to soothe me. Too bad only one thing could do that and he was cut off from me, maybe forever.
Chapter 13
I was laying around having a lazy day thinking about all the shit I had been avoiding since my life went to crapdom. In the beginning just the thought of facing people made me sick, things weren't much better but at least I was entertaining the notion of going to my premier. The first one was about three weeks away, maybe by then someone would've found my balls and returned them to me. I wasn't afraid to face the public, I just didn't want to answer any stupid fucking questions about how the fuck I was feeling. What the fuck? How do you think I feel? You have pictures all over the world of my girl in a car getting hot and heavy with some fucktard, not to mention the speculation about whether or not they fucked. I promise, the first motherfucker that asked me this shit was getting run the fuck over. Bloodsucking fucks had had enough of me to last me a lifetime.
I could give fuckall about the public's right to know. No one needed to know how much this shit was making me bleed but me.
If I didn't calm down I was going to give myself a coronary. Wouldn't that just be fucking A perfect?
I rubbed my face in frustration not sure what the fuck should be my next move when my mom came through the door to my sitting room.
Each of us kids had our own private suite in this monstrosity. My floor held a studio where I kept the baby grand I'd had since childhood. A kickass master suite complete with a walk in closet fit for a Prima Dona, just saying. The whole thing was done in blues and greens in varying shades.
" Hello son."
She patted my leg as she sat next to me on my lounger.
"Hey mom what's up?" Who knows what fuckery she was up to now.
"Jane's here."
"The fuck...?"
"She kept calling son and I just thought it would be better if we had her come out so you guys could hash out a plan of action. You have responsibilities yes?"
"Yeaaaah...Mom...but."
"This is the life you chose no?"
I just looked at her no reply needed.
"Tell me this Gage, are you giving up acting? Do you plan on retiring or are you going back to work?"
"Of course I'm not giving up acting, you know I love that shit." What the hell?
"Well then, you treat this situation like a band aid and tear it off fast one time. The longer you put it off the harder it's going to become. Just get out there and get it out of the way once and for all. And son please remember you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There's no reason for you to hide yourself away like this any longer.
Jane says your next premier is three weeks away, that's plenty of time to come up with a strategy. No more hiding away and licking your wounds my boy is made of sturdier stuff than that." She ruffled my hair like a toddler, Hitler's little henchman. I wanted to argue with her but what was the point? She would just end up getting her way in the end anyway. For someone who was so tiny compared to the men in the family she sure knew how to get her way. In fact that was pretty much true for all the women, they ruled the roost.
"Okay mom I'll talk to her; but I'm not making any promises." What? I could always try right.
"That's all I ask son." She gave me that I'm so proud of you look that was guaranteed to have me doing exactly what she wanted.
Fuck me six ways from Sunday.
I met with Jane for two hours before she headed back to LA. As things stood I hadn't agreed to anything major as yet. There had been a bit of a rough moment there in the beginning when I wondered how the fuck she could let me get blindsided like that, but she convinced me that from what her people could gather so far the whole thing had been pretty much on lockdown until the shit exploded. Go figure, the first time in the history of the Wood someone was able to keep something under wraps and it just happened to bring about the destruction of my life. Fuck my life. I guess I couldn't blame her this time but there better not be a next time.
She had printouts from every newspaper and rag on the market; we were the headlines and front page on all of them. The fuck? Weren't people getting slaughtered in Syria, how about that Darfur situation fixed that shit yet? No, but these fucks had all kinds of ideas of how I could fix my shit, suck a dick bitches. When she showed me the one of that fuck Terry Poole strolling down the street wearing his wedding ring without a care in the world I lost my shit. Oh no you don't motherfucker, you fucked my life and you get to walk down the street with not a care in the world like cock of the block while I hid away in bumfuck U.S.A? I don't think so. I'm gonna fuck that old douche up, just saying. James was already making noises about putting something together but he didn't want to jump the gun until he got all his facts straight so I would wait. But either way no matter what he found I’m going after that fuck.
After she left I spent the rest of the day in the exercise room working off some steam. I only thought of Suzette about fifty times on the treadmill. I thought about that sweet little ass of hers that I liked to slap every chance I got, or the way we used to laugh in bed at n
ight, or playing tug of war with Rex, shit like that. The happy times we shared with friends and family.
Was it worth hanging onto? I don't know could I live with what she'd done? Fuck no could I give her up? Not in this lifetime.
Fuck me sideways.
Chapter 14
"Rack ‘em Derrick." the guys and I were shooting pool in the game room. Convo was light thank fuck. We were all about my nephew and his two year old antics, things in the family bizz, some money talk. If I wanted I could walk the fuck away from the Wood and live the life of Riley. I had money before I went there and I would still have it when I left. Let's face it they would never be able to pay me my net worth to make a movie. By the time I was eighteen I was halfway to being a billionaire and that was before I'd ever worked a day in my life. Last year when I turned twenty-five let's just say I could buy a few small nations and still be set for life, so Hollywood could go fuck itself.
Except I loved the fuck out of acting, it was as if that shit was in my blood or some shit I just ate that shit up.
My phone rang in the middle of a shot, after sinking the eight ball I looked at the display screen and didn't recognize the number. I let it go to voicemail. It would be just my luck to answer to the tabs, fucking chicken shit bastards. I hit the replay button for kicks and was surprised as fuck.
"Hello Gage, this is Karen O’Reilly I would really appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience." The fuck. Why was Suzette's publicist calling me? Fuck if I was calling her back. Bitch could wait till the cows come home I wasn't calling her for shit.
"Need to make a call bro?"
I knew who he thought that was; Brian could rant all he wanted but I knew he had a soft spot for Suzette in fact we all did.
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