"Nah, I'm good."
We played well into the night and I realized it was my brothers' way of taking care of me, keeping me occupied so I didn't wallow in my misery or drink myself into a stupor. Come to think of it I hadn't had a real drink since I came home. I guess that hearth and home shit really worked. Mom and the girls kept me fed, the guys kept me occupied with made up bullshit and my nephew Jonathan kept me on my toes.
I wondered how fucked up it was that the sight of him hurt my heart. I wanted to have kids with Suzette, I'd been ready to start a family and take things a little slow on the work front. Now that shit was out the fucking window. I couldn't even think of starting over with someone else, that was the fuckery of it all. I was washed up and done at the ripe old age of twenty-six. Fuck me.
I slept like a baby for the first time that night; things were looking better, not great but better. Suzette was texting me constantly, I was brave enough to read them now but I still wasn't answering. I wasn't ready yet I mean what the fuck did she expect? I know her; I know how my treatment of her in the last week made her feel. Suzette could never stand for me to be mad at her, it was almost as if she couldn't function unless everything was right in our world. So how the fuck had we come to this? See, this is how I knew that no matter what was said I wasn't ready to face her the anger still lived inside me. I wouldn't be able to keep a cool head if I saw her now and this cluster fuck needed the coolest motherfucking head I could find.
The ringing phone jarred me out of my musings at six in the morning. It wasn't the Jezebel of Babylon, different ringtone. The number looked familiar but I wasn't quite sure, taking a chance I answered on the third ring.
"Yeah."
"Maddox you piece of shit who the fuck do you think you are?
The fuck?
"Who the fuck are you asshole, and how did you get this number?"
"Oh you don't know me now motherfucker? You fuck my sister over and..."
"Joshua?"
"No you fuck it's Jonas."
Should've known! He was always the more hotheaded of the two.
"What the fuck do you mean I fucked your sister over? Are you fucked in the head? Have you been living on the same planet as me? I'm not the one on the front page fucking a married man." Yeah I wasn't bitter or anything, I had my anger totally under control. Fucking liar.
"You watch what the fuck you say about my sister."
"Fuck you, you fuck, why don't you go yell at your precious sister, I repeat I'm not the one who fucked someone else."
"She didn't."
Say what now?
"Did she tell you that?"
"No, but I know her man, and I thought you did too, she would never do something like this."
Okay I had entertained those thoughts myself, but this wasn't shit you speculated about. I understood his need to defend his sister, let's face it if it was Tiffany I would do the same but this shit was all types of fucked up, too many variables.
"You promised man, you told me, my brother and my dad that you would take care of her out there, she was like a fucking lamb to the slaughter, you promised us that you were on the up and up that you loved her and this wasn’t some Hollywood bullshit facade to sell movies and now you do this?"
Was this dude high out of his fucking gourd? Was he really blaming me for his sister’s infidelity?
"She's dying man."
What the fuck did he just say?
"What, who?" my heart was in my fucking throat.
"Suzette man who the fuck do you think? She's dying, I watched my sister fall apart and it was worse than when we were kids and mom left. I thought I would never have to see her like that again, that's why we've always been so protective of her, when she hurts she really hurts, and right now man she's in a real bad place."
I couldn't hear this shit, didn't want to hear this shit; fuck me what was I supposed to do with this? I didn't think it was selfish of me to distance myself from the situation, I'm the motherfucker that got cheated on, I'm the one on the TV and the front page looking like a sap, how was I to blame for her misery? What the fuck was I suppose to do now? Why the fuck should I care that she was in a bad place? Because you do Maddox, man the fuck up and own your feelings. Doctor Phil sounding motherfucker, now even my own sub conscious was fucking with me.
"Look Jonas I appreciate you telling me this, but I don't know what you want from me, I can't do this right now."
"So that's it huh? One little slip in judgment and you fuck her life away."
"Listen asshole I didn't tell your sister to get in a fucking car with a married man, I didn't tell her to let him dry hump her on the side of the fucking street in fucking LA, why don't you ask her about this shit instead of putting it on me?"
"I can't ask her shit don't you understand? She's damn near catatonic."
"I don't see how that can be true seeing as how she's been texting me everyday."
"Yeah in her more lucid moments, but tell me this asshole when is the last time you actually spoke to her?"
Okay he had a point, but she has been texting me regularly. Oh yeah Maddox and what has she been saying? Please forgive me. Fuck, the same thing over and over.
"Listen Jonas I have to think about this let me catch you later." I hung up before he could answer. Looks like my day was starting out with a bang. Fuck my life.
Chapter 15
I spent the rest of my day torturing myself shut away in my room going through the publications Jane had left. There were times I almost snapped but I held my shit together. I had a two-year-old nephew running around, that shit would probably scare him to death if he saw his uncle acting like a caveman. Some of that shit I couldn't even look at.
I took a break to go play with Rex, he seemed to be holding his own pretty good since I was here, we didn't let him sleep with us at home, but he was so damn lost that at night I was sneaking him into my room. Poor lil tyke missed his mama, the bitch. There was some shit in the rags about us fighting over Rex, like that shit would happen, let's face shit, if I can't trust you anymore why the fuck would I trust you with my kid? Okay Rex was a dog, but he was still my responsibility he couldn't fend for himself and I'm sure when I signed those papers to take him home those people expected me to take care of him. If people couldn't use better judgment they shouldn't be trusted, nough said. I could give a fuck who agreed with me, that's my stand fuck off.
When I was through driving myself crazy with this fuckery I joined my family downstairs. Jonathan was running the show as usual, getting into shit.
"Hey son you're looking better." My dad gave me one of his smug looks.
"Yeah dad I'm cool." The rest of them checked me out like I was a mental patient fresh off the meds. The fuck?
"Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes." Mom called from the kitchen. I wasn't sure I could swallow anything but if I wanted to keep the women in this house off my ass I was gonna have to make an effort. We made small talk until dinner was ready my nephew was pulling the fuck out of my hair and laughing. At least he kept the rest of them distracted from my fuckery; I was jittery as fuck not knowing what the hell to do with myself.
I wanted to know what the fuck was going on with Suzette but I didn't want to talk to her brother again, he obviously had a missing link. The only thing I could think of was putting a shadow on her but that didn't feel right to me, I didn't want any other motherfucker near her, plus this was private, fuck if I knew what to do. I played it cool with the family, bullshitting with them around the dinner table, I guess my acting lessons were paying off because not even mom picked up on my shit and she was worse than a hound on a fox hunt.
It's two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep for shit, I'm restless and twitchy I've pretty much been in the same state since receiving that phone call. It's a bitch analyzing yourself when you're all alone in the middle of the night without alcohol to cloud your mind. Who am I right now? I don't know who the fuck I've been since this fuckery started, it's like I left my body
or something and was just going on fumes. I don't think I really stopped to think about what the fuck I was dealing with. I needed to have a one to one alright but not with that fuck Terry Poole, I needed to have one with myself. This was my life, I wanted it back and no douchetard motherfucker was going to control what I did or how I felt, fuck that shit. What's mine I keep, I wish a motherfucker would fuck with my shit ever again. Balls to the wall Maddox.
It was time to go General Hannibal on these fucks.
I had keys in hand and was in my Aston Martin in lest than ten minutes.
I made the trip in half the time; what the fuck was the point in having a sports car if you weren't going to utilize it? I parked a little ways down the street from my destination and walked. The street was deathly quiet as was to be expected at fuck me o'clock in the damn night. I reached the tree that would get me into the house and took a deep breath. My heart was like a runaway train in my fucking chest and my hands were sweating. Punk ass. I worked the kinks out of my neck and started climbing, this wasn't my first time at the rodeo, I'd pulled this stunt before, only then I was sure of my reception, this time I had no fucking clue what awaited me at the end of this fuckery. I hoisted myself through the window and the scent hit me. Fuck me, sensory overload, fucking strawberries and vanilla. I was literally stopped in my tracks; how the fuck did I forget that? That was one of the things that first drew me to her; her fucking scent drove me insane. Hands in the front pockets of my jeans I stood in the corner out of the view of the window, you never know what nosy ass neighbor had insomnia and was watching shit out their window, that's the last damn thing I needed.
There was more than enough light coming in through the window so I could see, and the first thing I noticed was the gauntness of her features, the second was the tear tracks on her cheeks. I bit my fist to keep the groan from escaping. She looked so small and helpless, nothing like the vibrant vivacious girl of my dreams. I slid down the wall hands clasped on my forehead, nose burning from holding back tears. I wanted so much to go to her but I couldn’t, not yet, not without answers.
"Gage."
Fuck did she see me? My body tensed as I prepared to flee, but looking towards the bed I saw that she was asleep still, and tears were once again rolling down her cheeks. Well just fuck. She was calling for me in her dreams that ought to mean something right? I felt my own tears seeping from the corners of my eyes as I watched her beloved face, so ravaged, so pale. No wonder Jonas had lost his shit she looked at deaths' door.
I spent the night sitting in that corner thinking and planning, going over and over in my head what was the best course of action. Everything was spinning out of control. Sitting here gazing at her it all seemed so simple, so easy. I knew what dad was talking about that first day, the Maddox male legacy to love only once and love hard. As often as I had heard the stories I don't remember once hearing about the woman cheating. Don't think about that shit now, you can't lose your fucking mind in her bedroom in the middle of the night, that'll just fuck shit up even worse. So I sat and I watched and I planned, and in that time she called out for me three times, and each time I had to fight to stay in my corner. Soon little butterfly, man I hope soon.
When the first rays of morning light filtered through I got up to leave. I tried not to do it but I couldn't help myself, so with the lightest touch I kissed her brow, drawing in her warm scent before making my escape.
The ride home was long and tedious, I had so much on my fucking mind it was a wonder I could concentrate on driving. It was still too early for much traffic so I had the roads to myself. Nothing but open road and cluttered thoughts to keep me company. One thing was for sure James was going to have to step his shit up; I didn't have the time I thought I did. If she was this fucked up now I can't imagine what another couple weeks would do to her. I tried to hold on to the anger I felt in the beginning but the fire wasn't there, it hadn't been extinguished completely but it was now tempered with reason and the look of desolation on a sleeping girls' face. She was breaking my fucking heart.
Mom was in the kitchen bustling around when I got home, the rest of the house seemed to be still asleep. I knew my loved ones would need to get back to their lives soon, they were only here to support me, dad had been going in for only a few hours a day, which for him was a monumental sacrifice the man ate slept and drank medicine. Tiffany had left a buying trip in Europe to come home, Derrick could work from anywhere as long as he had Internet connection and Brian had been conferencing with the office over Face Time or Skype or some such shit. I appreciated them all so much, but I had to get my shit together so everyone could get back to their lives.
"Morning son, you're out and about early."
I sighed as I dropped onto a stool at the kitchen island. I pulled the fuck out of my hair much as Jonathan had been doing the night before. I wish I was six years old again so I could let my mother handle all my shit, but then again if I was six I wouldn't be having this problem. No paparazzi, no dirty old douche trying to steal my girl, and no Suzette.
"I went for a drive." I was so not ready to share my nocturnal excursion with anyone. I watched absently as my mom prepared breakfast, usually she had help, but with my fuckery and the need for privacy she didn't want to risk it, not that we couldn't trust the staff, they'd been with us since before I was born, but sometimes it paid to be cautious. Mom droned on about some shit in the background as my mind wandered to where it had been for the past week and a half. Suzette. Fuck Suzette what am I gonna do with you? As if in answer Gotye rang out in the morning stillness of the kitchen. Fuck it.
Chapter 16
I awakened this morning feeling Gage's presence with me, for the first few seconds I smiled thinking he was here, that it had all been a very bad dream but when I opened my eyes he wasn't there and the agony was almost unbearable. I think I'm losing my mind because I can smell him, that clean scent of the outdoors and Burberry mixed with his own personal scent, I could've sworn he touched me while I slept, I could still feel his phantom lips against my brow.
I didn't have the strength to face another day without him, this was the longest we had ever gone without each other and I wondered how he could go on without me for so long when he never could before. That more than anything convinced me that it was over, Gage hated to spend even one night apart, in fact since the first night we made love and slept in each others' arms it had been damn near impossible for either of us to sleep without the other.
So how could he bear it now? Where was he who was he with was there someone else comforting him? The thought was like a knife to the heart, I couldn't bear it. And with that my mind flashed to the upheaval that I had caused, me all on my own. I rushed to the bathroom to throw up...nothing, I dry heaved for what felt like hours but could only have been a minute or two. My stomach was raw and my body hurt, I hadn't eaten in so long I'd lost track. I hadn't read a newspaper since that first day when all the headlines screamed at me. And those pictures, just the thought of my Gage seeing me like that made me sick, and this is where I shut down, I never allowed myself to go there, I couldn't, I don't think I ever would. I hated me, hated my stupid guts for what I had done to him to us. I didn't deserve him, his love and devotion, all the care and adoration he had showered me with for the past three years, especially behind closed doors, away from the public eye, in the privacy of our home. He had treated my like the rarest of gifts and I had squandered it all away.
The cold tiles of the bathroom floor felt good against my flushed skin, so I decided to rest my eyes just for a little while. I would be sure to get up before dad woke up. Reaching into the pocket of his hoodie I removed my cell phone and made the only connection I could with him now, an unanswered telephone. I listened to the ringing on the other end as tears poured down my face. "Bubby I need you please." I had no idea what I sounded like in that moment all I knew was that I had to go away from the pain again. Into the sweet abyss of sleep, maybe this time I wouldn't awaken to this nightmare. Maybe I could ju
st drift away in my sleep from a broken heart. Anything would be preferable to living without him.
I knew it was her calling of course, but still I hesitated to answer. By the time I got my nerve up the call was headed to voicemail. I could barely make out the whispery content of her plea, but the tinny sound of her voice left me cold.
"Butterfly." I flew off the stool and headed for the door.
" Gage...?" I think I scared the fuck out of my mother.
"Suzette..." that's all I got out before I was running to my car, no thought and no direction, I just knew everything inside of me told me to get to her before it was too late.
I drove like a bat out of hell with no thought to the speed limit, if there was a high-speed chase they would have to shoot me down because I wasn't stopping. I drove with a broken heart the tinny repeal of her plea playing on a loop in my head. When I pulled up to her house the sight of an ambulance almost gave me a heart attack. I pushed my way past the EMTs and entered in time to see her dad bringing her downstairs bundled in a blanket. I barely held myself up by my will.
"What are you doing here Gage?"
"Please Steve I know you're pissed off but we can't do this now, you can't take her to the hospital, the media would be all over this."
"You think I give a shit about that boy? This is my little girl."
"I know that and you know my dad's a doctor, let me take her to him please."
He looked at me as though measuring my sincerity. "Why should I trust you with her? You're the one who brought her to this, you threw her away like garbage." His voice broke on the last word.
"You have every right to be mad and after we get her taken care of you can deal with me any way you wish just please let me take her now"
"Why should I trust you?"
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